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She's All I Wanna Be | Kim Seokjin

a/n: This is the first part of the Bring On The Night series, it will be divided into two chapters and an epilogue and will be approximately 15k in total. I hope you like it as much as I enjoyed it ^^. All dividers are from @saradika-graphics she's the best doing dividers 🥹. Summary: You were Jin's childhood friend, the one who always went to all his bass practices, the one who went to all his mini concerts, the one who tested the songs before he played them live, you were even the first person he ran to tell the news that his band had been dominated to his first award. The problem with this? You were always just that to Jin, the typical childhood friend he wouldn't give up for anything in the world, but would never see as anything more. A few months ago Jin started dating yet another girl, a certain Yeji, whom he had met in college. You were starting to feel how awful it was to be just another friend, and you wanted to give it your last try before giving up forever with Jin and moving on with your life. wc: 5.4k Taglist: @thunderg @minjianhyung @queenv1997 @yoongtism @lizzymizzy-blogg @superbbananananana @drpepperobsessed @themwordsblog @taekritimin123

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"What did you say?" you muttered with your eyes fixed on Jin and the blonde girl next to him. You were so surprised that you weren't even sure you heard her name when she introduced herself a few seconds ago.

"I told you she's my girlfriend, Yeji" Jin turned to look at the girl next to him, smiling in such a sweet and loving way that probably made his girlfriend feel like she was in heaven itself. You, on the other hand, felt like you were in hell itself, you could even feel the flames burning your skin at that moment. 

"Your... girlfriend" you looked 'Yeji' up and down, mostly because you still couldn't digest the news. To your bad luck, the girl was stupidly beautiful, on a level that even you didn't know it was possible to be, and you had spent more than twenty years together with Jin.

Yeji was barely one meter sixty, she was thin, but not excessively so, she had small and extremely soft hands, not to mention her face. It was round and pale, her cheeks had a light pink tone and matched her skin perfectly; her eyes were big and brown, her nose was thin and upturned, and her lips were pink and fluffy, just like Jin and Jimin's. Shit, even you would have noticed her if you liked girls, she looked like a fucking angel.

"It's a pleasure, Y/N" Yeji offered you her hand, giving you a smile just like the commercials on TV. You were curious to know if she did commercials or something like that, she had every chance of winning in that market, you had no doubt. "I was so looking forward to meeting you, Jin has told me so many things about you."

You almost cringed in place as you heard her laugh. It should be illegal to look good even laughing, this wasn't fair anymore. 

"I'd like to say the same, but I've never heard of you before, Jin seemed pretty determined to hide your relationship" you took her hand and shook it carefully. Her whole appearance looked like it was going to break just by touching it roughly. "I hope from now on that will change".

"I wish it would" she nodded smiling, taking Jin's hand on the table. Your heart stopped for a second as you watched Jin intertwine his fingers with hers. Her cheeks turned a slightly darker shade of pink than the one she already had before and, for the first time in your whole life, you wished you were in that girl's place.

In the past things weren't like that, in the past Jin never looked at his girlfriends the way he was looking at Yeji right now, damn, he didn't even bother to hide his past relationships with you, he even told you in a very detailed way how those girls had proposed to him, so why? Why is it different? Why her? What did she have that you didn't?

Well, to be honest, she was quite pretty, she had a very beautiful voice and, so far, she seemed to be a pretty sweet girl. Just Jin's type.

"Surely it will be" you tried to give them your best smile as you grabbed your cup of coffee and drank it in one gulp. You wished it was alcohol. "Jin seems to be serious this time" you said quietly, putting the cup aside and turning your gaze to Jin. His was fixed on Yeji.

"I'm trying to do that" he nodded quickly, leaving a kiss on his girlfriend's knuckles. It hurt you to think about that word, it hurt you that it wasn't you to say it to. Were you a bad friend for thinking that way? "It was for that very reason that I made the first move."

"He proposed first?" you almost lost control of your emotions when you saw them share a glance and nod with those lovesick idiot smiles you had always envied. You had to take a big breath of air to keep from bursting into tears right then and there. You felt so stupid at that moment, so selfish.

"Yup, I was so excited that I almost cried in front of him, it was so embarrassing" Yeji smiled at you, taking your hand in hers. You watched as Jin's hand fell on the table, but he didn't seem to mind. "You don't know how nervous I was to finally meet you, I know this is something special for Jin, he talks about you like you're the most amazing woman ever," you heard her laugh at Jin's complaint at her statement that he apparently didn't want you to know, "being able to meet you in person is... it's something I actually thought would never happen."

"Hey, you talk about me like I'm, I don't know, an amazing person, I'm just his friend" you looked at his hands over yours. They looked so small unlike yours.

"You're his best friend, one of the most important people to him" she looked at Jin for a second, smiling at him, "surely you must be overprotective of him, right?" she let out a shaky sigh and her hands squeezed yours gently, "I promise I will never hurt him, I... I will try to do my best in this relationship, to make Jin as happy as I can."

Fuck. 

You couldn't even hate her.

It's so unfair" you whined out loud, resting your head on Chaeyoung's shoulder, "She's too nice, how am I supposed to hate her if she behaves that way?"

"Don't hate her. Simple" Sooah took a drink from her glass with soju. Her eyes were fixed on her phone, she seemed to be quite busy trying to contact a photographer or director, you weren't sure, you couldn't read the name right from here.

"You don't need to hate her, just wait until Jin stops having interest in her" Chaeyoung smiled at you with her cheeks puffed out. You were almost sure she stuffed half a chicken in her mouth. It's not like you were surprised anyway, she seriously seemed to have a bottomless stomach, "You know how it is, it never lasts more than three months."

"Two" Sooah clarified almost instantly. She picked up her chopsticks and took some kimchi. "He always lasts at most two months with his girlfriends."

"You guys don't get it, this time it's... he seriously seems to want something lasting with her" you let out a sigh, looking at the bottle of soju in front of you. You loved Jin, but before being the man of your dreams (literally) he was your best friend, you were supposed to be happy for him, he looked happy with her, that should be enough for you. "Maybe I should just, I don't know, let it go."

You jumped out of your chair as you heard Chaeyoung gasp at the top of her lungs. You turned to see her only to realize that she was looking at you with the most exaggerated grimace of horror you'd ever seen in your entire life. If you hadn't been so depressed you most likely would have laughed at her face.

"Did you just say you're going to let him go? After spending over twenty years dropping hints and flirting with him in a super lame way?" she rested her hand on your shoulder, shaking her head as fast as her body would allow, "That's not the Y/N I know."

"Well, this Y/N wants to give up and-".

"I agree with Chaeyoung,'' this time it was Sooah who got all the stares. She had never, ever, agreed with Chaeyoung on anything, so it was to be expected that you were so surprised. She put her cell phone aside for the first time all night, resting her gaze on you. 

Your whole body froze in place as you felt her gaze so penetrating on you. She was seriously scary.

"You spent two decades of your life trying to convince Jin to date you, not directly, but it's still a shot," she crossed her arms on the table, leaning towards you, "Don't make those one hundred and seventy-five thousand and two hundred plus hours be in vain."

"Did you just calculate how many hours there are in twenty years?" Chaeyoung pulled out his phone, typing something on the screen. 

"Make that time worth it, you came into his life first, prove that you can make him happier than any other girl."

"Shit, she's right, how did you calculate that so fast?".

You completely ignored Chaeyoung's comment, trying to focus on what Sooah had just told you. Although a part of you felt that she was right and that you should still fight for Jin, the other part of you refused to participate in this stupidity. Jin looked so in love with this girl, how could you come and ruin his happiness? You couldn't be this selfish, not with him.

And, almost as if she was reading your mind, Sooah added, "I know you might be feeling selfish right now, but let's be honest, you've always thought of Jin's happiness over your own, it's time for you to put your feelings first."

"Think of it this way" Chaeyoung smiled at you, gently patting your back, "Whatever you do, it will have an impact on your relationship with Jin; if you let him go with this relationship you will end up walking away from him because of how painful it is to see him with another girl, if you confess to him at this point he might reject you and he be the one to walk away from you, or...".

"He might agree to be with you" Sooah finished, nodding slowly.

"I don't know" you mumbled crestfallen, looking at the thin bracelet on your wrist. Jin had bought it for you with his first paycheck.

"How about this?" clapped Chaeyoung loudly. She moved her chair until you were facing each other, all only to take your cheeks between her hands and crush them to her liking. "Why don't you try to see if what he's feeling is serious? Like, I don't know, find out if she seriously wants Yeji or, on the other hand, has feelings for you and is still in denial."

"That's a good idea." added Sooah.

"And how do I do that?" you looked at both of them, starting to feel that, maybe, their idea wasn't such a bad one.

"Let's start with the basics" Chaeyoung pulled out her phone showing you a list of titles 'places you can take your date' "Try to see how they are as a couple and, while doing that, try to see how people see the three of you."

"What do you mean?" you frowned slightly, reading the list he had just passed you.

"Yes or yes they will think that one of you three is the friend of both of you, or one in this case, if you see that many think that you and Jin are a couple, then it's because people can see something between you."

"And if most think Jin and Yeji are a couple it's because they both have chemistry" you nodded, trying to process your friend's idea.

Did it seem stupid to you? Totally, but you also knew that you didn't have much to lose, just like they said before, no matter how the situation went, you and Jin would end up drifting apart. Besides, you weren't going to do anything to Yeji either, just... you were going to act like you always did with Jin, you would try to see the outside opinion to guide you a little bit. That's just it, you thought, after all, what's the worst that could happen?

It took you three days to convince yourself that this would be a good idea, that you weren't doing anything wrong, it would just be an outing between the three of you, you weren't going to overstep the limit of your friendship, you would just try to check how the rest of the world saw things, you wanted to prove that you weren't the only one who felt some chemistry between the two of you. 

That's how you ended up in an amusement park at eleven fucking o'clock at night, listening to Jin and Yeji talking about how they should go ride the Ferris wheel for the third time. You had given up on that idea after sharing a booth with them the first time. You didn't think you could stand another fifteen minutes in the same place with those two kissing in front of you. Was this your karma?

"Y/N? Aren't you coming?" Yeji turned around, looking at you with a big smile. You wanted to return it, but your face didn't seem to want to follow your brain's orders.

"Sorry, I'm a little dizzy, I guess the roller coaster left me a little, you know, groggy" you bowed your head a little by way of apology, "you guys go ahead, I'll wait for you on some bench around here."

And off you went, looking for some store that had something meatless. A few years ago, when you and Jin were still in your early twenties, you went to a food truck park, your goals? Eat one thing from each truck. You made it, but you both ended up sick to your stomachs, throwing up for almost a week and unable to eat anything but soup or chicken and rice. Neither has eaten food from those trucks since, it scared you too much to ever do it again. Still, for some strange reason, the memory of that moment made you smile and prompted you to buy some snacks that were light.

After you had walked around a few times, you decided on the store that sold corn dogs that were too big to be real. You almost cried with happiness when you saw that yours was the same size as the sample. You pulled out your wallet and extended the money to whoever was supposed to be acting as cashier. 

"Thank you so much for your purchase" the guy smiled sweetly at you, barely touching your hand with his fingertips as he handed you the change. You were a little surprised, but you let it go, those frictions always happened when you paid for something, didn't they?

"Thanks to you" you smiled back, giving him a slight bow as you walked towards one of the benches that were near the Ferris wheel. It was still five minutes before Jin and Yeji got off. This was a lot more boring than you thought it would be. 

You took a seat and leaned your back against the cool green wood of the bench. The stars looked pretty good tonight, you would have liked to go to a gazebo with Jin like in the old days, or just lay on his balcony next to him and try to form shapes with the glowing dots that rested above your heads. You missed spending time with Jin, even if it was just being her friend.

"Excuse me."

You straightened up in your chair, seeing the corn dog boy standing in front of you, breathing as if he had just run a marathon. Had you forgotten something? You were sure you paid the proper amount, he even gave you change, or maybe he had given it to you wrong? Yes, it definitely had to be that. You pulled out your wallet, ready to return the money you thought you owed him.

"I've been looking all over for you," he mumbled between gasps, pulling a crumpled sheet of paper out of your apron pocket, "I-I know this may not be the best way to do it, but...could I give you my number?".

You almost dropped your wallet in surprise. You looked at the crumpled paper in his hand, just noticing that it had some numbers jotted messily in half-worn blue ink. You couldn't help but smile. You could tell the boy was younger than you and, honestly, you found his way of exchanging numbers too cute. There was never a boy who asked for your number, unless it was for a job of course.

"You came running up to me on your break just to give me your number?" you laughed under your breath as you watched his ears tinge a pretty shade of pastel pink. It reminded you of the time you accidentally ended up watching Jin make out with another girl. It broke you up inside, but you'd be lying if you didn't say that Jin looked so funny trying to explain why you couldn't tell anyone about it.

"I actually ran away from my post so I could come" he cleared his throat, avoiding looking at your face. You noticed how the hand extending the paper trembled slightly in front of you. 

"Y/N?" Jin walked towards you, carrying some sort of deformed frog in one hand and a green balloon in the other. "Who is he?"

"Good question," you looked at the boy, smiling sweetly at him in an attempt to make him feel less nervous, "What's your name? You didn't tell me before."

"I'm Ingyu" he bowed rather exaggeratedly, looking back at you once he was straight, "Jung Ingyu, it's a pleasure to meet you, sorry for introducing myself so late".

"Don't apologize" you laughed, getting up from the bench so you could grab his shoulder, "I appreciate the offer, but I'm sure you're much younger than me."

"I don't think so" he quickly denied, taking your hand between his too gently to pull away. The boy himself was too sweet to refuse. Probably your younger self would have said yes right away.

"She's thirty years old, kid," Jin said for you, patting his hands to let yours go. "And just so you know, she prefers men older than her."

You frowned, turning to Jin. Was that your idea or...?

"Is he your boyfriend?" asked Ingyu, looking between the two of you with a face red with embarrassment, "I-I'm so sorry, I didn't know... if I had known before that she had a partner I would never have approached, I promise."

"He and I didn't-".

"It’s okay, I get it, my girl is really cute, but, you know, she's mine, so" you watched as he waved his hand at him, indicating for him to leave. The poor guy almost tripped over a cotton candy stand trying to run away from the situation. You felt like you were nothing away from doing the same.

"Your girl?" you looked at Jin, raising your eyebrows. You weren't going to let him see how much his comment had affected your poor, sensitive heart. You couldn't do that, he wasn't alone.

"Yes, you're my friend, therefore, my girl, isn't it obvious?" he rolled his eyes, walking towards the girls' bathroom, still not releasing your shoulders from his embrace. 

"It didn't sound like that at all" you mumbled, looking at the floor beneath your feet. Could you feel this way even though you knew his girlfriend was in the bathroom in front of you?

"I didn't mean it that way" he let go of your shoulders, shoving his hands in his pockets, "You know that, don't you? We're friends, best friends, hanging out with each other would be... crazy, stupid."

Yeah, well, you didn't want him to notice the fact that he just crushed all your hopes for him either. Did he say that on purpose? Because it really felt that way.

"Yeah, crazy, right?" you sighed, looking up at the sky. You wanted it to be like in the movies, that some comet would pass through the sky above you and so you could ask it wholeheartedly to be able to own Jin's heart, that star would hear your wish and give you a k-drama story where, in the end, both of you would end up as a beautiful couple by the altar. Your rational self laughed at that stupid thought. 

"Can you imagine, you and me together?" Jin chuckled, hugging you from behind and resting his head on top of yours, "Ugh, that would be horrible, I don't think I could be with someone who knows my biggest secret."

"Which one? That in which you pee in your bed until you were ten?" you looked at Jin, trying to sound as natural as possible. You always acted this way with each other, it had to come naturally to you, you had no other choice, you weren't ready to let your best friend go yet. At least not at this moment.

"No, and don't say that in public" he pinched your waist playfully, his smile became a little softer, "How am I supposed to date the person who knows I'm actually a thousand plus year old vampire? That's ridiculous."

This time your laugh is genuine, but not because his attempt to make you laugh worked, but because you knew the context of what he said well.

When you and Jin were still in college he was with a girl. She was... special. She liked all this occult stuff, cults, horrible and fantastic creatures like werewolves, chupacabras, yetis and, of course, vampires. For some reason that neither you nor Jin understood very well, that girl came to the conclusion that Jin was an original vampire, one that was more than a thousand years old and, according to her words, the same one that would give her the bite that would finally turn her into a vampire. You don't remember very well the speech she had said, but you do remember how you had to run to Jin's apartment to help him because the girl had tried to cut her hand and give Jin some of her blood. At the time it was a lousy experience, but today it was another topic you remembered with laughter.

"You're right, we can't allow that, Jinnie, my best vampire friend of over a thousand years."

"Who's a vampire?" muttered Yeji as she approached you both with a towel in her hands. 

Jin let go of you almost instantly, walking over to his girlfriend so he could grab her by the waist and continue on his way. 

Again you felt a strong pressure in your chest, something that was starting to become very common these last days and that, no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't avoid unless you got away from both of them. Obviously they would notice if you did, so you decided to endure the pain until the end. You would do it for Jin, for your friend. 

"It's a long story, it would bore you" He left a soft kiss on her forehead, caressing her waist on the pad of your thumb. 

You envied her so much.

"Oh, okay" she nodded quickly, turning to look at you, "are you feeling better? When we were on the Ferris wheel we could see a pharmacy down the street from here, do you want us to stop by there to buy something for your dizzy spells?".

Why did she have to be so nice to you?

"No, don't worry, I’m over it" you smiled at her honestly. Yes, right now that girl was making your heart nothing short of breaking, if it wasn't already, but you couldn't hate her, not when she was sweet all the way through.

On the way to the park she kept talking about the things she wanted to do with you, how excited she was to share some snacks with you, or how she seriously wished she could take some pictures with you and Jin in a photo booth. Even you got caught up in her excitement. 

Until you remembered that she was Jin's girlfriend. 

"It's okay" you noticed how she didn't seem entirely sure, and in an attempt to make it clear to her you decided to propose to her to go eat something from the food trucks, just like she had said in the car. You were surprised to see how quickly her face lit up, "Sure! I've always wanted to try food from these places" she turned to look at Jin, gently pushing him in the direction of the food court, "Go shopping, me and Y/N have something to do."

"Wait, are you kicking me out?" Jin gasped, being dragged by Yeji to the first food truck, "You're supposed to be my girlfriend! You should want to spend more time with me."

"I was with you all afternoon, I barely had time to talk to Y/N," she gave him a soft kiss on the cheek and ran back to you, taking your hand and giving you a bright smile. You almost squealed internally at how cute she looked. You hated that Jin had found someone so cute.

"Shall we?" she intertwined her fingers with yours, walking towards the playground part. 

And you just let yourself go.

"I've always wanted to do this with a friend," Yeji said as she dragged you towards the photo booth. She looked as excited as a kid when they tell you that if you do your homework right they'll give you a double-flavored ice cream as a prize.

"You've never done that before?" you both paused outside the booth, waiting for the group that had entered to come out so you could go inside. "Why?"

"I've never had a friend before" she muttered with her eyes glued to the red curtain that divided the group from you. 

You turned to look at her, surprised at her answer, what did she mean by that? Had she really never had anyone to do these things with?

"How is it possible that you've never had a friend before?" you muttered on impulse, covering your mouth almost instantly. 

"Most of the guys I knew acted like animals, and disgusting ones at that," you noticed how her hand lightly squeezed yours as her head lowered until her view was only the concrete floor, "And the girls... most of them avoided me at best, the rest took it upon themselves to make my life hell because I acted like a phony who just wanted attention from men, stupid, right?"

You nodded silently, thinking a bit about what she had just said. Admittedly, you thought a little badly of her at first, mostly because she seriously seemed to have that nasty 'pick me girl' attitude, but that was only your impression until she spoke and introduced herself. And, while it was true that you loved Jin, you would never have accused her of man-stealing or anything like that, Yeji really seems like the kind of girl that would win your heart just by the way she is. Shit, even you were starting to like her and you had barely known her for a week, and you only talked to her for two days.

"Don't listen to them, they're envious bitches" you nodded firmly, tightening your grip on her hand so you could show her that you supported her, "They know they could never even get to your feet, that's why they say those hurtful shits."

You heard her laugh softly as she covered her mouth with her hand. Your heart broke a little as you watched her eyes begin to fill with tears.

"Thank you for being so sweet to me, Y/N" she whispered as she fanned her eyes with her free hand so she could keep the tears from falling, "Ah, I don't want to appear crying in my first picture with you."

You watched as the group of friends left the booth and you took that instant to enter along with Yeji.

"Come on, you still have time to calm down" you smiled at her, taking a seat in front of the camera. 

She took a big breath of air and gently patted her cheeks, "Good, I'm better, the grief is over." She gave you a soft smile, moving a little closer to you so that you both came into the camera's view. "Ready?" she murmured, looking at the screen you were both reflected in.

"Ready" you nodded, hitting the countdown button. 

You weren't sure how long it had been since Jin and Yeji had given you a ride home, but you easily thought it might be about three, four hours. You had taken a shower as soon as you arrived, but not before you had talked for hours with Sooah and Chaeyoung, telling them about how every time you spent more time with them you ended up getting more and more attached to Yeji and, in turn, ended up feeling more and more guilty being together with both of them.

Chaeyoung finally told you that, if things were really like that, maybe the best thing would be to let Jin and Yeji be happy and you try to find your own way with another guy; Sooah, on the other hand, kept insisting on you doing it, all with the excuse of making your time count. You didn't quite understand her reasoning, but by this point you no longer questioned it.

Both answers had been left swirling around in your mind even after you had taken a shower. You lay on your bed and stared at your ceiling for a few seconds. It was full of stars shining in the night, the same ones you had bought as a child and had pasted all over your ceiling and walls. By this point you were no longer able to live without those night lights in your room. 

You looked down at the foot of your bed, grabbing your wallet and pulling out the strip of pictures you had taken with Yeji. You couldn't help but laugh when you saw the sequence of the four photos. In the first one you both appeared making a V with your fingers; in the second one you made a heart with your arms, you one half, she the other; in the third one you both appeared looking at the curtain with surprise while half of Jin's body appeared entering the cabin; and, finally, in the fourth one Jin appeared between you both, hugging you and Yeji tightly while the three of you laughed loudly.

The constant ringing of your phone distracted you from what you were doing. You glanced at your desk clock, frowning as you noticed it was almost four in the morning. You picked up your phone and checked your inbox. The first messages were pictures Jin sent you about his departure. In some of them were the three of you, in others the two of them, in another one the two of you, and in some he was just by himself. You were not surprised at all. You wrote him a good night and left his chat.

The other messages were from an unknown number. You went into the chat and almost instantly felt the guilt come back to you.

"Hi, this is Yeji, I hope I'm not bothering you 😣"

"Jin gave me your number, he said you wouldn't mind if I talked to you."

"I just wanted to thank you for tonight, I seriously had a lot of fun, I hope it happens again in the future 😊"

The messages were followed by a series of pictures Yeji had taken from her cell phone. All of them showed both of you, and in most of them you were looking at something else, you hadn't even noticed that she had taken those pictures of you. They were just selfies of her with you behind her, but in all of them she looked so genuinely excited and happy that the guilt didn't take a second to eat you up inside.

You took a breath and opened your phone's keypad.

"You're not intruding, relax, thanks for texting me first 🙂 "

"I hope we get together again soon, I had a lot of fun too!"

You put your phone down on the bed and covered your eyes with your forearm. 

For the first time all night you let the tears you had been holding back for hours fall. It hurt too much, but you had already made a decision, one that would be best for all parties. You nodded to yourself, feeling your chest tighten more and more as it was sinking in what you had decided to do.

"I'm sorry" you whispered, "but I can't do this to them" you rested a hand on your chest, bursting into tears, "You're strong, Y/N, you'll get through this, you'll find someone for you." 

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