Brain Rambles - Tumblr Posts
Trauma is like sea glass. Not in the ‘our trauma makes us beautiful’ way. We’re like the glass and our trauma is the sand and salt and water, it rolls us around and damages us, it leaves us rough and bumpy, not quite as smooth as we used to be. It cracks us and it shapes us. We are beautiful not because of the crashing waves and rocks but in spite of them. We are beautiful because we’re still here, we’re shaped by the waves and how those waves shape us is not what makes us beautiful, the fact that we’re still here, the fact that even if just a tiny fragment of us, we’re still here and that’s beautiful. We survived the waves, we survived the rocks and the sand, and yes it’s changed us, but that change is neutral, it’s neither good or bad, it’s just change. There is nothing we can do to become the smooth glass we once were, but that’s ok, because everyone changes. We are beautiful not because of the waves but in spite of them, in spite of the crush of rocks and rolling of the waves we are beautiful, we are beautiful because we survived the rocks and the waves. The waves might never leave, and we may still chip, but that doesn’t add or subtract from our beauty, the erosion from the water can never be erased or taken back, but that erosion has shaped us. It’s made us who we are, whether that be good or bad or completely neutral, that shaping may never leave, but we can also choose to shape our selves. We can never add back what the waves have taken, but we can add to ourselves in others ways, we can drill a whole and make jewellery, we can surround ourselves with other sea glass. we never get back what the ocean took, and that sucks, but what we become despite our trauma, is beautiful, rising above the waves to become beautiful sea glass. The waves do their best to destroy you, they don’t want to make you beautiful, your beauty, you did that.
Some brain rambles I had last night after reading the latest chapter of Before I Leave You by @hollyhomburg
Idk if I can watch Yoons new MVs, I feel so fucking guilty and like I’m a shitty fan but even just the pics and posts about him smoking in the mv are making me so fucking uncomfortable and nauseous. And like I know realistically it’s possibly a fake smoke that actors use when they don’t smoke but it still makes me so fucking uncomfortable. Like I get the reason he’s done it but it’s really fucked with me and I know I have no right to feel this way but ugh. Idk how to describe it. I just feel so fucking shit rn. Like one post made be feel PHYSICALLY pale and nauseous, it was like that feeling when you get the cold sweats.
(TW: mentions of smoking trauma. Trauma rant)
This may be a controversial topic. But if you suspect an idol of vaping or smoking, keep it to your fucking self. If they do smoke I don’t wanna know about it because it genuinely really triggers me when people point it out. Like I know this is a toxic idea but it really fucking changes my view of people when I find out the might smoke. Like I saw a Koreaboo post about an idol possibly accidentally showing a vape on live and it actually made me feel physically I’ll. Like I had a physical reaction and it’s actually made me feel really uncomfortable and shitty. Like my skin went clams and I literally felt myself go pale and my stomach turn. I have huge trauma around smoking and I can’t get over the way it makes me feel when rumours come up around people I look up to smoking. Like I know I have no right to feel like I’ve been betrayed by that idol if they are smoking but I do. And I’m sick of people pointing it out cause i literally feel myself tear up cause it feels like someone I trusted had stabbed me. And idk if it’s the autism or the CPTSD but it makes me feel physically ill. Like I’m not exaggerating when I say it literally made me go pale and feel like I couldn’t breathe. And like it’s not even as if I can try to avoid it because I already fucking do my best to avoid it but I literally can’t because it’s fucking everywhere. And I know I probably sound super selfish and self centred but can you guys just shut the fuck up and keep it to yourself if you suspect an idol of smoking. Like some of us don’t wanna know about that shit and y’all make it impossible to avoid it. I’m so fucking tired. I already feel like everything is going to fucking shit in my life and I’ve already had a fucking breakdown today and I’m so fucking tired and I fucking hate how much this has fucking affected me cause y’all can’t mind your own fucking business and keep your suspicions to yourselves.