Canine In Nature - Tumblr Posts

im like a dog in the way that i love too much and too hard. i wait at the door and when the people i love come back they just sigh. im like a dog in the way that it feels like i don't understand fundamentally how to be human. everyone else understands these little social cues that i have to take notes on and memorize. when they say this they mean that, but not always. im like a dog in the way that my heart has teeth. i learned to bite before i learned to speak. and when i bring them that dead bird they take it and hide it to throw out when im not looking. i find myself frequently wishing i was better at either being a person, or being a dog.

has there ever been a time when blood did not stain me? it is under my nails, in my teeth, on the bones that rattle between my jaws. to be canine is to be bloody and to be loyal. violence and love are both associated with the color red. i often mistake violence for love.

bared teeth. the wolf inside howls and barks. the dog inside chases his tail with blank eyes. you are both, you are neither, you are yourself, you lost who you were in 7th grade. you lost it all when you were 12, you wait to wake up from this nightmare again. seeing clocks make you panic -- if the clocks work normally you're awake. would your younger self approve of who you've become? by your own choice or not? im not even too sure i currently approve of who i am.

it all aches. i pace back and forth as if movement will cleanse me. i hear my name in my grandmother's prayers. i beg a god that doesn't care to save me. i stop being a person. it is better this way. they threaten to take me away from my family and i vaguely think of dog pounds and animal shelters. i am ready to die, but i want to see if this aching will stop on it's own. it all aches.