Customer Stories - Tumblr Posts

I wanted to write about my experience working in customer service in my blog, but I want to leave my blog only for artistic movement and appreciation. So, Rant time!

I’ve worked in customer service since I was 18 years old, and as I got older, the experience got worse. I’ve dealt with people who are messy, disgusting, entitled, cheap, and infuriating. But hey, that’s what customer service is all about, right?

And we can all wish that things would turn around and that people would get their act together. But in reality, it’s never gonna happen.

Because of my experience working in customer service, I made a decision to be a better customer because I know what it’s like, and I thank the Cosmos that I haven’t gotten coffee, or food, thrown at me. If that happens, LAW SUIT. I do not care.

So, if anyone who sees this happens to be that customer who would ask, or worse demand, cheaper prices, who leaves stores, hotels, and restaurants a mess, especially in the bathrooms, and yell at employees because the companies somehow ruined your day, here’s what I have to say:

Stay the FUCK home, and never buy anything again! If you really want the best experience while shopping or having a vacation, or even eating out, take a chill pill before you leave the house. I am sick and tired of employees being scared of having to speak their minds because if they say something, you’ll get them in trouble, or worse lose their jobs. If an employee happens to be rude to you, just walk away. Don’t say anything to them or even tell their managers. They already have to deal with people, like yourselves, and they already hate their jobs. Also, an employee being rude to you is like looking at the mirror: their attitude is a reflection of what customers are like.

You know what, since I’m brave enough, I will hold all of you accountable as well: when you shit in the bathroom, flushing the fucking toilet! When you piss, flush the fucking toilet. When you grab toilet paper, and there’s some on the floor, pick it up and throw it away! You wash your hands, take a napkin, and THROW IT AWAY IN THE GARBAGE BIN!

Oh, I have more, don’t you worry. You happen to bring food in the stores, DO NOT FUCKING LEAVE TRASH BEHIND OR HIDE IT BEHIND THE PRODUCTS! Ask for a trash bin, or go find one, STORES ARE NOT A DUMP!! Employees are tired of cleaning up after you, and if they say otherwise, well, let’s be honest, they do NOT want to deal with your asses. They just want to work and clock out to go home. I don’t know how people like working in customer service, or maybe they’re saying that because they don’t want to lose their job, but at this point, I don’t care anymore.

As far as coupons and discounts, they can kiss my beautiful, juicy, fat ass for all I care. I seriously want to consider giving up discount so I can pay full price so that the people who created the product CAN FUCKING EAT AND SLEEP AT NIGHT! What? You think we get paid and have a wonderful life? Some do because they probably have support, or are retired, or have a higher position. Me? Nope. 9.75/hour is what I get paid, and you’re complaining about a product that’s $16-$30?!?! Seriously?!?!?! Want it cheaper? GET IT FROM THE FUCKING CREATOR DIRECTLY THEN! Oh, and if you believe that you can get it cheaper somewhere else, think about why. Look up this word: CONVENIENCE! and stop lying because we can see right through it. I even shop online and the only reason it’s cheaper elsewhere, it’s because of commerce. And it’s also probably a last resort or hand-me-down type deal.

As for therapy session, you better save up so you can talk to someone about your problems because I don’t get paid enough in my life to hear you rant about your problems. Don’t drag us into your pity pit of misery and expect us to care. We have our own problems to deal with. I will genuine say that if I do sense an issue, I’ll be very kind to hug a person because I felt it. But if you complain about Dicky taking your beer, or how Karen rammed a stick up your ass, talk to Dr. Jekyll about it.

Oh, and if you’re gonna return something, you better carry a receipt, fucking glue it or staple it if you have to, and make sure it’s with 30 days, 60 MAX! Not 90, not 180, not 365, not 730, not even 5 years. MAKE IT 30 DAYS! And if you want to give a gift to someone, give them a gift card so they can buy themselves if you don’t know what they want. If you want to gift them something that’s coming from the heart, you did the best you could. And if someone is gifting you something, and you don’t like it, GIVE THEM YOUR FUCKING LIST SO THEY CAN CHOOSE WHAT TO GIVE YOU! Make it as if you’re sending it to Santa Claus, because WE DONT KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU OR YOUR FAMILY OR YOUR FRIENDS!

Additionally, STOP YELLING AT THE MANAGERS!!!! They’re doing the best that they could! If you’re mad about something, talk to your therapist and figure it out. I am sick and tired of seeing my managers get the yelling and ranting about the service and the lack of. Get that self-entitled stick up your ass and yank it out! You’re just making our job a lot more traumatizing, and I have to praise anyone who has to deal with your asses.

Since I’m not holding back, how about some reenactment? When you scream at employees, whether at restaurants, stores, or hotels, you know what we see and hear? YAYN YAYN YAYN YAYN YAYN YAYN, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH, YADA YADA YADA YADA YADA, like SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! Like, who ruined your day? Who ruined your life, and why ruin ours?

And one last thing, you are super lucky that not a single law suit has been filed against your asses. But the next time you throw hot beverage, or hot food, or anything at the employees, DO NOT BE FUCKING SURPRISED WHEN YOU GET SERVED! THERE ARE CAMERAS EVERYWHERE AND PEOPLE REMEMBER FACES.

I can no longer let this go, and it hurts to see employees and managers suffer because of your stupidity. We get it, you’re paying for goods and services, BUT THAT DOESNT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO TREAT US LIKE WE’RE WORTHLESS!!! Pay for your shit and go home! Don’t be extra, don’t cause drama, and don’t make more work for us. We can’t even go home in peace, and we can’t sleep in peace. We don’t hate you, but we’re sick and tired of your bullshit.

Actually, I have ONE MORE THING, and it’s for the guys: KEEP YOUR DICKS IN YOUR PANTS AND WAIT UNTIL YOU GET HOME TO JACK OFF!!!!!!! Minors shop with their parents in public, and it’s disgusting to see a douche bag jacking off in public. Like, either go home and do that shit, or go in the alley way somewhere. But not in stores, nor in restaurants, nor in the lobby or in the pool. We don’t get paid enough to deal with your bullshit. Get it together!!!

In conclusion, if you want the best customer service experience in the world, here’s my advice to you, and I’m only going to say this once:

GET RID OF YOUR FUCKING EGO, STOMP YOUR ENTITLEMENT DOWN TO THE FUCKING GROUND, AND STOP TREATING US AS IF WE’RE YOUR SLAVES!!!

Go on vacation, ask questions when you need it, go sample some things, buy whatever it is that you want to buy, and walk out the fucking door.

Oh, and stop making small talk and horrible jokes. They’re not funny, and I don’t need to spend anymore time listening to you. Small talk means nothing us. If you see that an employee engages in small talk, it’s because they just want a good day, not because they want to make you happy.

I would say that I know that times are tough right now, but that would be lying. Because to be honest, times are only tough because we make it tough. You want it easy, make it easy! AND WEAR A FUCKING MASK UNTIL THE CDC AND WHO HAVE SAID SO!!! (You know what, even then you should keep it on. I do not want to smell that rancid breath anyways.)

An Incomplete List of Noteable People I've Delivered Pizzas To

It’s coming up on a year now since I got my current job as a pizza delivery girl, and I thought this would be a good time to delve into the little ever-expanding “WTFPIZZA” note I keep on my cell that helps me remember some of my more, uh - interesting deliveries.

So without further ado and in no particular order, here’s some pizza customers who left a lasting impression on me thus far:

- A bearded man who answered the door and periodically spat blood into a crusted Harley-Davidson coffee mug while counting out his cash.

- A woman who slipped me a business card (in lieu of tip) for a laser tattoo removal clinic, explaining “In case you want to bring your mutilated skin back to how God intended it to be.”

- At least three Batmans so far, but only one who did the voice.

- An elderly Spanish woman who meekly presented me with a (rather classy) pearl-handled .32 snub nosed revolver and asked if I knew how to load it (I do) and also, if I could load it for her (I didn’t).

- A group of EMT’s hanging out in the back of an ambulance at a recently extinguished (but still smouldering) house fire.

- A man with a thick Alabama accent who admonished me for standing in front of his mailbox while I waited for him to answer the door.  He then explained how this was a federal offense because I was “obstructing the mail system” and demanded my social security number so he could “report me to the proper authorities”.

- A group of young teenage girls (like 14-16) who begged me to buy a case of Bud Light (ew why) and bring it back to them.

- A hotel room full of badass middle-aged women all dressed as Professor McGonagall from the Harry Potter films, who were also completely wasted on Jello shots.  They kept encouraging me to stay and party with them.

- A 20-something dude who answered the door with an unsheathed katana dangling through a belt loop on his jeans.

- Multiple instances of people asking if I would sell them pot. (bitch get your own dealer sheesh)

- A guy who slipped a twenty directly into my shirt because I apparently was the “spitting image” of his deceased daughter.

- A woman who admonished me for driving a Mazda, and wrote “get a real car” in the tip portion of my credit receipt.

- A very drunk dude who gave me his iPhone and had me take a bunch of Myspace-esque pictures of the both of us.  He did the duck lips thing in every shot.

- Multiple prank deliveries (joke’s on you motherfucker, I get paid for the gas AND I eat the pizzas you ordered)

- An elderly man who wrote “FUCK OFF” as his signature on a credit receipt.

- A thirty-something guy who begged to get his order for free because he “works so hard”.  He visibly teared up and sniffled when I told him I couldn’t do anything.

- A dudebro wearing a bath robe and socks + sandals (indoors) who straight up wordlessly yanked the pizzas out of my hands without paying and shut the door.  Multiple knockings were of no avail.

- A woman who angrily demanded to see my ID because she refused to believe my claims that I’m female.  She proceeded to snatch my driver’s license out of my hand, run back into her house and show it to her children while pointing back at me.

- A kid no older than 14 who desperately tried to convince me to play WoW on the free custom server he was playing on. (But it has double XP!)

- A guy who spent the entire time I was there digging a (impressively large) booger out of his nose.  He proceeded to smear it on, thankfully, HIS copy of the receipt.

- An on-duty cop who flagged me down by intercepting me on the road before I got to the police station and pulling me over to get his pizza.

- A drill instructor looking-guy who filled out his entire credit card receipt, specifically wrote “0.00” in the tip portion, then proceeded to write out a check for seventy-eight cents and handed it to me.  It said “pizza tip” in the “For” section.

- A furious lady who yelled at me for a solid five minutes (I kept track) all about how long it took for her delivery to get to her.  She then tipped me an extra ten bucks on a six dollar order.  I dunno.

- An incredibly stoned teenager trying and failing to look sober.  When I complimented his Adventure Time wallet (which was super cute) and asked where he got it, he immediately looked terrified, sat down on the floor and muttered “I… I don’t know….”

- Obligatory naked man with unimpressive penis

- A chick at a house party who answered the door and immediately turned to vomit into her mailbox.

- A surly Korean mom with an amazing shoulder tattoo of a baby giving birth to a full-grown woman.

- A man who lived in one of those mini-mansions inside a gated community, who sported a seemingly massive collection of what appeared to be solid glass spheres of varying size and color.  I only got a quick glance in his house but there had to be hundreds of them in display racks, tables, shelves - everywhere.

- A group of 20-something guys who challenged me to sing the original Pokemon theme song, which I did.  And perfectly, I may add.

- A completely iced-out musclebound gangster kid who was blaring Regina Spektor so loud and with so much bass I actually couldn’t hear anything he was saying.

- An elderly guy who deadpan asked me if I knew anyone who could score him hollowpoint bullets.

- An adorable older lesbian couple who were mortified that they didn’t have any extra money for a tip, so they gave me a big sack of pistachios instead.  It took me three weeks to finish the bag.

I was cutting fabric for a couple at work and the wife had walked away and I think it made the guy waiting there with me kinda nervous because he was standing there kinda awkwardly. The silence while customers wait for me to cut their fabric doesn't bother me anymore but apparently it bothered him because why else would he ask "So how many pairs of scissors do you guys go through?"

The urge to look at online reviews and find ones about me vs. The one braincell that wants to take care of my mental health and tells me not to do that

Some customer: excuse me, do you work here?

Me, wearing the brightest green apron you've ever seen that says JOANN on it in big ass letters: yes