Eragon Movie - Tumblr Posts

In which I revisit a childhood favorite book series in the worst possible way: playing the shovelware video game tie-in to the terrible movie version adaptation. A "magical" stream, indeed.

50 Thoughts I Had While Watching Eragon (2006)

*Grabs popcorn, pillows and blankets and is all comfy.*

1. Ah, yes. The one man’s voice that everyone wishes they had besides Morgan Freeman’s and James Earl Jones’. 

2. Galbatorix? Sounds like a cough medicine, or some weird flavour of soup. Thanks Nostalgia Critic

3. Well, at least Rumple’s still got his magic, though and instead of the dagger - Man, that guy needs a good ol’ manicure. And probably a haircut.

4. Eragon reminds me of a young and British Luke Skywalker. 

5. “The king's strip. The best cut there is. The fat just melts into the meat.” An actual quote by a passionate butcher. 

6. I've only known Brom for a day and a half, but if anything happens to him....

7. Two boys get into a fake sword fight and proceed to wrestle like kids. How cute. 

8. And you never see Roran again. 

9. OH, SWEET HOLY COW! THE STONE IS HATCHING! Be cool, be cool!  

10. *jumps back* Woah! Durza! Gimme a headphone warning next time you decide to scream at the top of your lungs like that! Jeez! I had it on full blast. 

11. “I swear to everything on this green earth, I would pay Jeremy Irons to read my grocery lists!” Totally not me. 

12. Rachel Weisz is Saphira? I KNEW her voice was familiar. *squeals* 

13. Eragon, let me explain something to you: You can’t just sneak into people’s houses, it’s not just bad manners, it’s COMMON SENSE, DUDE! 

14. I know you’re mad at Saphira because you couldn’t save your uncle, but if she’d allowed you to warn him, you would be dead and so would she, then the movie would have been a whole lot shorter. 

15. No time to say goodbye, you have to leave with the dragon man now. 

16. There’s no need to get defensive. How was Brom supposed to know that you were seventeen? You look twelve! 

17. Aww, is Dad embarrassing you, Eragon? Then you should have known better than to challenge him. 

18. Now we know who started the fire. Not Ryan

19. Angela’s pretty and I would love to have my fortune told, but Eragon, don’t you do ANYTHING you’re told?! It’s like we constantly have to keep an eye on you. 

20. Ooh! We’re learning some words in the Ancient language now? Cool! *brandishes pencil and misspells every word*

21. Wait, we’re flying again? I mean, sure, I almost died the last time, but why not? 

22. When did he have time to make a saddle? They’ve been traveling all this way. Magic, I guess? 

23. Makes sense why the man is so protective of you and Saphira. He was a Dragon Rider! 

24. Morzan? That’s a better name than I could ever come up with. 

25. “Congratulations. You've just been promoted.” An actual quote by Durza who should just do the work himself instead of relying on these dunderheads.

26. Sweet Dreams are made of these! Who am I to....

27. “Help me Eragon, you’re my only hope.” ~ Arya, probably. 

28. He came all this way and now you’re turning him away? Don’t you wanna get away from the crazy psycho who watches you while you sleep? 

29. Wait, how did Brom get here so quickly? His dad instincts must be kicking in because that’s real speed, I tell ya. 

30. THIS IS WHY I DON’T GET ATTACHED TO CHARACTERS. THEY ALWAYS DIE!!! 

31. Actual footage of admin when Saphira carries Brom over the mountain and there’s a ghost of a smile on his face as he takes his final breath: 

32. Oh, yeah. In case we forgot, Arya’s been poisoned by Durza’s magical demon nails. It’s too bad there isn’t someone who can lead you to the Varden. 

33. There is no way that this boy was in Tron and in that Pan movie with Hugh Jackman. PUBERTY HIT HIM LIKE A FLIPPING ASTEROID! Cue Murtagh simping hours.

35. Look at that Djimon Hounsou in another dragon movie. Except this time, he’s a good guy. 

36. Of course he’s Morzan’s son. No one can be 100 percent good and be that good looking. 

37. “You wanna know how I got this scar?” ~ Murtagh, maybe. But sweet precious boy, what did he do to you? 

38. “Tonight, we destroy the resistance.” Okay, Palpatine - I mean Durza. 

39. So Nasuada gets only thirty seconds of screen time? Does anyone else feel robbed besides me? Yeah? (Added after reading the books.) 

40. Arya’s healed nicely and now she’s ready to kick some butt! 

41. How come I’m only finding out now that Durza has a dragon, too? Or...no, it’s made of dust or something. 

42. My mans is still in jail? While all of this is going on? Guys, let him outta there. You can always put him back afterwards. 

43. NO, PLEASE DON’T LET SAPHIRA DIE. I SWEAR MY HEART CAN’T TAKE IT! AND SHE’S BEING SO SWEET, TOO! *sobbing increases*

45. Ah, waking up after a severe injury/concussion with Murtagh leaning over me? Sounds like my kind of morning. 

46. YAY! SHE’S OKAY. I AM SO HAPPY. 

47. Yes, Eragon, Brom, your father would be proud of you. *sniffles* 

48. Where’s Arya going? I thought they were gonna be together forever. Guess not, eh? She is a princess after all.  

49. Okay, I am convinced. Lemme go and read the-WAIT! THE KING HAS A DRAGON, TOO? IS THERE GONNA BE A SEQUEL? AHAHAHDBABDB

50.  Keeeeep Holding onnnnnn! I don’t know why they put an Avril Lavigne song in here, but I am not complaining. 

The End. This took me an hour or so to write, but it’s worth it. Also, I’m sorry if it’s so long, I’ve had a lot of thoughts. 

Again, my taste in fictional comfort characters is excellent, what do you mean? 

Jeremy Irons as Brom ERAGON 2006 | dir. Stefen Fangmeier