Fuck Counter: 22 - Tumblr Posts

Luckily for all of you I will be doing my best to avoid my complaints about the shitty ass changes they made to the plot, if only so this post doesn't achieve novel length by the end of my tangent.

They genuinely, self ad-fucking-mittedly, really put zero fucking effort into making Ursula look like Ursula in this movie, take away the cgi tentacles and lighting, and the makeup looks like what you'd expect to see on a label for an "Underwater Sorceress" wig at Spirit Halloween. She doesn't look like she's gonna offer me a trade deal in exchange of the eternal torment of my mortal soul she looks like she's about to ask to see the fucking manager. But I state: what is the point of designing makeup for Ursula The Motherfucking Sea Witch if you aren't going to even look at the fucking source material for how she's supposed to look??? Especially when her over the top makeup is such an important and recognizable part of her appearance. That would be like if they remade the Lord of the Rings movies and made Gimli or Gandalf clean shaven.

Also "Although having been inspired by drag queens, I didn't want her to look like a drag queen, I wanted her to look like Melissa" Is absolutely baffling to me??? Like first and fucking foremost, no kid going to see this movie is going to see Melissa McCarthy, I guaran-fucking-tee that they dont even fucking know who the hell she is (I'm not trying to throw shade at Melissa here, its just a fact that most kids (talking 12 and under) don't go to see a movie for a specific actor or actress, and the only thing on her credit list on IMDB I could find that she played a sizable role in that a kid would be interested in that they might recognize her from was the Ghostbusters movie in 2016 (4 female Ghostbusters? The feminists are taking over! I'm an adult virgin!), or maybe Mike & Molly from older family members watching it while they're around.) They're going to see Ursula The Motherfucking Sea Witch. The character isn't supposed to be you, you're supposed to be the character. You shouldn't want people's thought upon looking at Ursula The Motherfucking Sea Witch to be "That's just Melissa McCarthy in a white wig with uneven blue eyebrows." (Maybe they should have spent 3 hours on the eyebrows alone. Seriously I could have done better on the eyebrows, and I have horrible depth perception and the shakey hands of a caffeine addicted 97 year old that brews their coffee with Red Bull instead of water and substitutes the cream and sugar with 5-hour energy and cocaine.) You want people to look at you during your performance as Ursula The Motherfucking Sea Witch and think "That's Ursula The Motherfucking Sea Witch."

Ok, I know the mismatched uneven eyebrows were intentional but

So you're trying to fucking convince me that someone who wears makeup constantly. And has been in exile for what we can fucking assume to be well over a fucking decade. And has presumedly done her makeup almost every fucking day can't get her eyebrows even remotely symmetrical??? It doesn't read as intentional, it doesn't read as "she does her own makeup and sucks at it." It just comes off as messy.

Tbh I would have loved to see Lizzo as Ursula The Motherfucking Sea Witch, because first of all she said "I was down to make Ursula a THOT, shaking ass." Love that for her, And I can already hear the cries of "it's a kids movie that would be too inappropriate" HAVE YOU SEEN THE WAY URSULA WAS ANIMATED IN THE 1989 VERSION???? SHE WAS SHAKING ASS AND TIDDY AND I DONT HEAR A WORD COMPLAINING ABOUT IT. Plus she genuinely seemed excited to play the character. I do have a genuine reason for bringing her audition up, and that is she did her own fucking makeup for Ursula and you wanna see how it turned out????

Now that looks like Ursula The Motherfucking Sea Witch. They could have gone in this direction with the makeup by ya know, actually looking at the fucking source material. I'm not saying that a live adaptation of a character has to look note for note identical to the animated version, all I ask is that they actually fucking take the animated version into consideration. Especially when they're adapting such a beloved character, and especially when their appearance serves as much cunt as Ursula The Motherfucking Sea Witch's does.

Anyways, I'm gonna go tally up how many times I said fuck in this and then maybe take a nap I've been typing this out on my phone for like 2 hours now.

(This is once again about the make up itself.)

Baffling