Luckily For All Of You I Will Be Doing My Best To Avoid My Complaints About The Shitty Ass Changes They

Luckily for all of you I will be doing my best to avoid my complaints about the shitty ass changes they made to the plot, if only so this post doesn't achieve novel length by the end of my tangent.

They genuinely, self ad-fucking-mittedly, really put zero fucking effort into making Ursula look like Ursula in this movie, take away the cgi tentacles and lighting, and the makeup looks like what you'd expect to see on a label for an "Underwater Sorceress" wig at Spirit Halloween. She doesn't look like she's gonna offer me a trade deal in exchange of the eternal torment of my mortal soul she looks like she's about to ask to see the fucking manager. But I state: what is the point of designing makeup for Ursula The Motherfucking Sea Witch if you aren't going to even look at the fucking source material for how she's supposed to look??? Especially when her over the top makeup is such an important and recognizable part of her appearance. That would be like if they remade the Lord of the Rings movies and made Gimli or Gandalf clean shaven.

Also "Although having been inspired by drag queens, I didn't want her to look like a drag queen, I wanted her to look like Melissa" Is absolutely baffling to me??? Like first and fucking foremost, no kid going to see this movie is going to see Melissa McCarthy, I guaran-fucking-tee that they dont even fucking know who the hell she is (I'm not trying to throw shade at Melissa here, its just a fact that most kids (talking 12 and under) don't go to see a movie for a specific actor or actress, and the only thing on her credit list on IMDB I could find that she played a sizable role in that a kid would be interested in that they might recognize her from was the Ghostbusters movie in 2016 (4 female Ghostbusters? The feminists are taking over! I'm an adult virgin!), or maybe Mike & Molly from older family members watching it while they're around.) They're going to see Ursula The Motherfucking Sea Witch. The character isn't supposed to be you, you're supposed to be the character. You shouldn't want people's thought upon looking at Ursula The Motherfucking Sea Witch to be "That's just Melissa McCarthy in a white wig with uneven blue eyebrows." (Maybe they should have spent 3 hours on the eyebrows alone. Seriously I could have done better on the eyebrows, and I have horrible depth perception and the shakey hands of a caffeine addicted 97 year old that brews their coffee with Red Bull instead of water and substitutes the cream and sugar with 5-hour energy and cocaine.) You want people to look at you during your performance as Ursula The Motherfucking Sea Witch and think "That's Ursula The Motherfucking Sea Witch."

Ok, I know the mismatched uneven eyebrows were intentional but

So you're trying to fucking convince me that someone who wears makeup constantly. And has been in exile for what we can fucking assume to be well over a fucking decade. And has presumedly done her makeup almost every fucking day can't get her eyebrows even remotely symmetrical??? It doesn't read as intentional, it doesn't read as "she does her own makeup and sucks at it." It just comes off as messy.

Tbh I would have loved to see Lizzo as Ursula The Motherfucking Sea Witch, because first of all she said "I was down to make Ursula a THOT, shaking ass." Love that for her, And I can already hear the cries of "it's a kids movie that would be too inappropriate" HAVE YOU SEEN THE WAY URSULA WAS ANIMATED IN THE 1989 VERSION???? SHE WAS SHAKING ASS AND TIDDY AND I DONT HEAR A WORD COMPLAINING ABOUT IT. Plus she genuinely seemed excited to play the character. I do have a genuine reason for bringing her audition up, and that is she did her own fucking makeup for Ursula and you wanna see how it turned out????

Now that looks like Ursula The Motherfucking Sea Witch. They could have gone in this direction with the makeup by ya know, actually looking at the fucking source material. I'm not saying that a live adaptation of a character has to look note for note identical to the animated version, all I ask is that they actually fucking take the animated version into consideration. Especially when they're adapting such a beloved character, and especially when their appearance serves as much cunt as Ursula The Motherfucking Sea Witch's does.

Anyways, I'm gonna go tally up how many times I said fuck in this and then maybe take a nap I've been typing this out on my phone for like 2 hours now.

(This is once again about the make up itself.)

Baffling

Similar energy

KILLING THE DANCEFLOOR

An original Magnus Archives statement

Masterlist

Tw: gore in this one lads, and brief implications of vomiting

[Tape recorder click]

JON: Statement of Joseph Markus, regarding his experience at a club he visited in Scotland. Original statement given May 12th, 2016, audio recording by Jonathan Sims, head archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.

Statement begins.

JON [STATEMENT] :

This happened on a trip to Scotland four years ago, me and a group of friends were staying there for three days. We'd been out drinking for a good few hours, so we were all tipsy veering into outright drunk. The others started suggesting that we should go back to the hotel, they told me that I should be done for the night. Every time I think about what happened, I regret not listening to them.

I'd been at the club for around 20 minutes, I think it was called “Veil's” or something like that. I was already a few drinks in, when I noticed… her. The first word that came into my head when I looked at her was “sharp”. I'm not sure why, it just seems like the best word to describe her. She was tall, and I mean tall. She easily had a few inches on anyone else in the club, looked like she was in her mid twenties, and had wild red hair with streaks of blonde and bright cherry red. Her eyes were also a vibrant red, but I just figured that she was wearing colored contacts, it wouldn't have been out of place with her outfit. I feel the need to give a description of her, so at least someone else knows what to look out for. She was wearing a spiked choker, ripped black jeans, and a tattered band shirt. I can't remember the exact name of the band. I think it was something like, Gravity's Bond? I don't think that's right but such a small detail wasn't really something I was too focused on. I was more preoccupied with the fact she was carrying a giant blood soaked axe. And no one seemed to acknowledge it, they were acting like this massive woman with a giant blood soaked axe wasn't anything out of the ordinary, so I naively assumed that it was a prop. God, what I would give for it to have just been a prop.

I'd been focused somewhere else, but my attention snapped back to the dance floor when a deafening crack echoed through the club. It was so loud, that for a moment I thought it was a gunshot. My eyes landed on her just in time to watch her drop a limp body with its neck bent at an unnatural angle. Before I had time to even process what I was seeing, she whipped around and swung the axe down. I will never forget the sound the axe made when it buried itself into that man's skull. The horrible wet crunch of metal splitting bone and embedding itself in brain matter, it seemed to drown out all the other noise in the club. I don't know if you've ever heard the noise that a raw egg makes if you crush it. I'm sure you can imagine why I'm mentioning such a thing. She planted a booted foot against the man's chest and pushed the corpse away so she could tear the axe out. I honestly think that noise might have somehow been worse than the initial blow. Then, before the body had even finished its landing, lunged at the next unfortunate person and mercilessly slashed open their throat. I could practically hear the blade smoothly slicing through the flesh, but what I definitely could hear was her last feeble gurgling breaths as she choked on her own blood. She kept going. I don't know how many more people she got, because my eyes darted around the room looking to see if anyone had already called the police.

I felt my stomach drop when I realized that no one else seemed to see her, or at the very least see the gruesome results of her actions. I don't know how that could have been possible, she was in the middle of the room surrounded by people and she wasn't exactly being quiet. My mind was racing trying to figure out what I should do, should I call the police? What if they didn't see her as out of the ordinary and just assume that I'm a crazed drunk? While I was caught up in my inner dilemma the woman ambled off of the dance floor towards the bar, sweaty and laughing like she had just been partying like any normal club goer, like she wasn't covered in the blood of the people she had just slaughtered. And I will admit, while I wasn't drunk enough to not remember the night, I was definitely far enough gone to make a stupid decision. A very, very, stupid decision. I made the idiotic and borderline suicidal choice to confront the woman.

She had casually dropped herself down in the chair at the end of the bar, the one near the wall, and slung one of her legs up on the empty seat next to her. As well as setting her axe, still dripping with gore, on the bartop. While she was settling herself in her seat, the bartender placed an already prepared drink in front of her, which she cheerfully thanked them for. Thinking back to it, I'm scared of the implications that has, because it means that this woman is a regular there, meaning that the casual axe murdering is a regular occurrence. As I got closer, I picked up on more and more details about her appearance that left me with a sinking feeling in my gut. Her skin was oddly pale, even by redhead standards, as if she only went out at night to go partying, and the shape of her teeth seemed just a bit off. Then she turned and looked at me, and even in my drunken state, I had enough clarity to recognize the way her pupils shifted under the continually changing lights of the club, sober enough to realize she wasn't wearing contacts; that her eyes were red.

We stared at each other without saying anything for a few moments, then she suddenly threw her head back and barked out a loud laugh. Which I will admit made me jump a bit. Then she leveled those horrible red eyes at me, she had a glint in her gaze that unsettlingly reminded me of a kid with a magnifying glass that had just come across an anthill. Then, still chuckling a bit, she spoke in a slightly raspy Scottish accent. “Oh, this is real exciting, you can actually see what's going on here. That's a bit rare but it's always entertaining, makes it more fun.” Then, while looking me in the eye, she wiped a still wet splatter of blood from her cheek with her thumb before licking it off.

She continued “I'll tell you what, it's always a treat when someone can see through me, and I'm feeling nice tonight, so I'll give you a 30 second head start.” Then she began to count, I wasted at least five precious seconds of my grace period standing there like a deer in headlights. When I snapped out of it, I took off towards the door, weaving through the other club goers as fast as I could internally kicking myself as the adrenaline partially cleared my head from the haze of the alcohol. I burst outside onto the street, and I swear that the club wasn't in the same place as it was when I went in, none of the landmarks I was seeing looked familiar. But I didn't have time to think about that, the only thing running through my head was “get away” over and over again as I forced my burning legs to carry me down the street. I ran for a block or two before I decided to slow down a bit to catch my breath, and to… let my body get rid of some of the alcohol. Even as I heaved for air after being forced to empty my stomach, I was still listening for any sign that she had followed me. Then I heard the whistling. It was a cheerful little tune that definitely did not match the scenario, and I realized with growing dread that it was getting closer. I forced myself to continue forward, making twists and turns in an attempt to lose her, but all I really accomplished was getting myself lost. The whistling continued to get closer and closer, and now I could hear her unhurried footsteps behind me. I don't know how she could possibly be keeping up with me at such a casual pace while I was quite literally running for my life. As I was about to round another corner, a sudden weight slammed into me sending me crashing into the pavement. I've never been hit by a car before, but this is what I imagine it felt like. While I was blinking the flashing lights out of my vision, she took the opportunity to pin me down with one knee forcing itself into the center of my chest, and pinning my right hand next to my head with her other foot. When my vision cleared I was met by a sight that has haunted me since that night. She was staring down at me, with a wild grin and a borderline feral glint in her bloody red eyes, with bits of viscera splattered across her face and body, raising her axe above her head, preparing to bury it into my face. I thought to myself, “This is the last thing I'm going to see.” And I clenched my eyes shut hoping that it would be like getting a shot, if I can't see it coming it won't hurt as much, right? It's stupid, but it was oddly comforting in the moment.

As she was about to bring the axe down, and I was waiting for my inevitable demise, she was interrupted by her phone ringing. I was scared that she was going to get a call from someone saying that they needed parts of me in one piece to harvest my organs or something, but that theory went out the window when I realized that she had set the ringtone for whoever it was to Rick James’ “Super Freak”. It was so jarring that I probably would have laughed if her knee wasn't grinding into my sternum and crushing the air out of me. She sighed, flipped the axe slamming the head of it down right next to my ear before pulling out her phone and answering it. Only got her side of whatever conversation was being had, something along the lines of “What do you want? I'm busy right now.” A pause “Can't you ask someone else to help you with it, I'm kind of in the middle of something.” Another pause followed by a heavy sigh, “Fine, I'll be over there in like 10 minutes but you owe me big for this one.” She ended the call, slipped her phone back into her pocket, turned her attention back to me and said. “Looks like it's your lucky day, we'll have to reschedule this for another time. Don't be too sad about our little game being put on hold, we'll meet again eventually.” Then she was up, twirling her axe and slinging it over her shoulder, and whistling that same damn tune as she jauntily made her way down the street, disappearing around the corner, and the whistling faded into the distance. I stayed on the ground for a long time, just trying to catch my breath and figure out what the hell just happened.

I managed to limp my way back to the hotel, I'm still not sure how I managed to find my way back. I quietly slipped back into the room to not wake up the others. I didn't sleep that night for obvious reasons, so I used the time I spent lying awake debating what I should do. In the end I decided to pretend that it never happened, I didn't want to get my friends involved with that woman lest they become her next targets. And I felt like I couldn't call the police, for all I know it's some weird underground murder club and everyone else there was in on it and they're paying off the police or something. So I've been pretending it never happened, pretending that I'm not kept awake at night by the sound of a neck snapping, a skull being smashed open, the sound of someone drowning in their own blood, and the image of her, staring down at me as I was seconds away from being murdered.

So I'm sure you're probably wondering why I'm giving this statement now after so many years. I'm sharing this story so that someone knows what happened to me when I go missing or turn up dead. Last night, I was walking home through the downtown area of London, and I felt my heart stutter to a stop when I heard someone whistling that damn tune. One that I had hoped to never hear again. There she was. She was right. There. Walking down the other side of the street, thankfully without the axe, next to someone who was somehow even taller than her. I can't really remember what the other person looked like, only that they had long dark hair. Anytime I try to think about other discerning features I get a terrible headache, but I can't shake the feeling that I've seen him somewhere before. As if she could feel me staring, she suddenly turned and looked directly at me. I was met by the same unnatural piercing red eyes that I'd seen four years ago. I could tell that she recognized me as well, because her expression quickly shifted through irritation, surprise, before finally landing on that sharp devilish grin. I stood there frozen, unable to make myself run or even look away, the sound of the street around me was drowned out by the blood rushing in my ears. Then she lifted her hand and wiggled her fingers at me in a mocking little wave, like she knew that I couldn't move. And, as the final nail in the proverbial coffin, she mouthed three words to me; “I told you.”

I don't remember how or when I got home that night. But I do know that she's going to kill me. There's no doubt in my mind about that. It's only a matter of when, who knows how long it'll be before she decides she's had her fill of tormenting me.

JON: Statement ends.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the band shirt this mysterious Axe Woman was wearing was merchandise for the infamous Grifter's Bone that has been mentioned in a previous statement. Attempts at looking into a club by the name of “Veil's” have turned up nothing except a few offhand internet posts, but no records of an establishment by that name ever existing. Attempts at contacting Mr Markus for a follow up have turned up that he is, as one might anticipate, deceased. Three weeks after this statement was given, he was found murdered at a street corner with the official cause of death being a hit and run, resulting from the illegal removal of a stop sign by a vandal. Although the stop sign seemed to be less stolen by hooligan teenagers, and more like a bodybuilder suffering from severe steroid related mood swings, as in the photographs I have here it looks as if it was forcibly ripped straight from the ground. Then there's the fact that the injuries on the autopsy report that Tim managed to get his hands on, as expected, do not line up with the official explanation. Fractured skull resulting from a blow to the head with a semi sharp object and his landing on the concrete, a multitude of rough gashes across various parts of his body similar to injuries caused by an extremely blunt axe, with one of his legs being amputated below the knee and found several yards away. And lastly, but certainly the most disturbing, the fact the upper and lower halves of his body were completely bisected from each other, seemingly done using the same weapon as the other injuries, with his upper half having been thrown to the other side of the street with enough force that it hit the wall of the building there. All of this paints a rather nauseating picture of what actually happened. [Shaky sigh]

End recording.

[Tape recorder click]

____________________________________

[Tape recorder click]

JON: Supplemental, I'm in the tunnels again searching for potential clues regarding who has been sneaking into the archives–

???: [a young woman's voice with a quiet deadpan but melodious tone] What are you doing?

JON: [screaming as you can audibly hear his soul exiting his body]

???: Well that's rude.

JON: [wheezing] Who are you?????

???: Well, who are you?

JON: I asked you first!

???: Well, I asked you second and two is a larger number than one so you have to answer first.

JON: [sputtering] I– you– wh– I'm Jonathan Sims, head archivist of the Magnus Institute.

???: Hmm, I wouldn't suppose you've been leaving trash lying around down here? Because I don't particularly appreciate someone dirtying such a nice dilapidated tunnel system with litter.

JON: I– no, I am not the one who has been leaving trash down here, I'm actually trying to figure out who has been.

???: Hmm, while it seems our motives are different, our goal of finding the one who's been leaving garbage in my tunnels is the same.

JON: I'm sorry but, your tunnels?

???: Yes, my tunnels. I've been wandering this system in my spare time for years, and this invader is sullying them with litter.

JON: Uhm, not to be rude or anything but, er, aren't you a bit young to be wandering abandoned underground tunnels by yourself? You don't look like you could be out of secondary school.

???: Aren't you a bit too old to be in the habit of trying to cover the fact you haven't had a shower in the last nine days by using too much deodorant?

JON: [indignant sputtering]

???: Regardless of our goals being aligned, I think I'd prefer to stay out of the institute’s business for a multitude of reasons. Also I can tell you wouldn't be much help in figuring out how to remove this pest. Along with the… woman who's been sneaking down here from the archives.

JON: You mean Sasha?

???: No, Not Sasha.

JON: How would anyone other than her be getting down here from the archives? She's the only woman who has access to these tunnels from the archives.

???: Yes, that woman.

JON: But you just said that it wasn't Sasha?

???: No, I said that it was Not Sasha.

JON: You're not making any sense.

???: Hmm, most things tend to not.

JON: You know that this is really not helping either of us get closer to either of our goals, neither of us have gained any information from being down here.

???: Perhaps you'd be able to gather more information down here if you didn't scream like a little bitch every time something potentially relevant happens.

JON: [shocked stuttering] You– well– I– Wait where did you go!

???: [faint singing echoing down the tunnels fading into the distance] ‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.

JON: Well, that was… thoroughly uninformative, [muttered] it was like trying to talk to Cirrus. [Return to normal volume] That girl seemed to only speak in insults and riddles. She also seemed to be– wait– SHE NEVER TOLD ME HER NAME.

[Tape recorder click]

___________________________________________

If you're wondering who the hell Cirrus is, he's another one of my oc's that hasn't been introduced yet (at the time of posting). I'm writing these very out of order but I should hopefully have him properly introduced soon. Thank you for reading!

Would it really be me if I didn't pick the most tacky and obnoxious outfit?

Picrew chain

I found this and it's adorable, so--

Picrew

Alli’s OC Creator!

Join a world with millions of cute avatars! What's your style? Cutesy? Bold? Feminine? Don’t be afraid to express yourself! Don’t be afra

No pressure tag:

@igotthisaccountunderduress @shadow-of-tea-and-tea @smallgear @halcyon-and-elysian @clever-naming-convention @clavateur @holdmyteaplease @shadows-in-sunlight @juuzou-rei-suzuya-13 @hansenesque @holdingamelody @the-ellia-west @hachi-qo @keysandopenmind @rainsleeper @bargainbincheese

Last night I had a dream, and the only thing I remember is that my little brother said that the reason I'm queer is because the Five Nights At Freddy's sound effects are natural hormone blockers.

Honestly these two are Peak Character Design, they're so simple and not necessarily intimidating but they still somehow manage to radiate Pure Malice I love it so much.

Bonus:

I was talking about this in a discord server and my discord doesn't automatically update on my phone, so when I tried to send the pictures of these two, my view of the message glitched and showed two pictures of Caroline instead so the message looked like this:

Similar energy

Which, considering the plot of Re:Curse, was a delightfully unsettling little surprise.