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You’re Losing Me

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Prompt - ‘Every morning I glared at you with storms in my eyes. How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dying?’

Notes -  I won’t lie I don’t know if House still has an active fandom but I just started watching it so have this, also the way this song was leaked like four hours ago and I immediatly jumped to google docs

It seemed impossible when you had first realised how you felt, falling in love with a man twice your age, a man who was your boss no less, it had been an impossibly bad, stupid idea. You hadn’t planned on acting on it, the man was meant to be your mentor but he was so unlike anybody you had ever met before, so bluntly honest, never beating around the bush, there was something so charmingly arrogant about how that you just couldn’t help but like.

So it went on for months, months where you silently pined for him, sneaking glances at him as he watched his soaps in his office, stealing moments together as he pulled you into an empty room as he avoided clinic duty and instead quizzed you on the latest patient. You had hoped that ignoring how you felt would just make your feelings go away, make you realise this was just a silly crush and yet nothing ever changed.

Nothing changed until the man started seeking you out more, he started to look to you first for answers, it was you he found first to talk about cases or music or whatever else came to his mind. He wasn’t open but he did begin sharing little pieces of himself with you, nothing overly personal to most people but when it was Gregory House sharing those tidbits they felt big, they felt important, like it was this closed off man's way of trying to open himself up, to give something in return for all you shared with him.

You knew as you spent more time with him that it wasn’t just a silly crush anymore, it wasn’t just some admiration that had gotten out of hand, you were falling for the man and you tried not to let yourself hope that he was falling for you too. Then you’d see him talking to Wilson, the two of them sat together, Wilson looking hopeful whilst House frowned, his eyebrows furrowing together before both their gazes found you and his frown turned into a small twitch of the lips.

Neither of you acted on it for a while but the pining and the tension eventually became too much for both of you. You couldn’t exactly say who snapped first, only that the case you had been working had lasted for an exhaustingly long week and you were both pent up with far too many emotions, add the bottle of something strong from his office and it wasn’t a surprise when you found yourself pressed against the wall with House’s lips on yours.

From there on nothing had been defined for a month or two, you both spent more time together, slept together, went for meals together, yet nothing was ever defined. It had driven you crazy, not knowing if House wanted something more from you or if you were simply a way to burn off steam after work.

Eventually you had given into your need to know, waiting until you were alone, you pulled against his chest, tucked up in bed together. You hadn’t been able to get the words out, mouth opening and closing, your fingers distractedly playing with him as you tried to collect your thoughts.

House never missed anything though and if he could read other people well without ever needing to meet them then he could read you like the words of his favourite book. He had been the one to start the conversation, telling you to say whatever you needed to say and listening as you stammered out the question of what were you.

House had paused, it wasn’t like he wasn’t expecting it, of course he had been waiting for it and yet he still had to pause. He had to remember all his conversations with Wilson, the ones where he had promised to give this a real go because his feelings were real. It wasn’t easy, he had closed himself off for years, never letting himself get attached, never letting himself fall.

Of course you came along and ruined that but he had never been able to find it in himself to be mad. He was glad it was you he got to try again with, he was glad it was you who showed him that he wasn’t totally ruined.

He may not have understood why you wanted to be with a man twice your age, a man who was explosive and closed off, a man who needed drugs just to make it through a day, a man who was so far beyond damaged he couldn’t remember a time he had been whole. He didn’t understand it but he wasn’t taking it for granted.

He told you as much and you let yourself fall a bit more for him at the honesty, at the trust he had given you. From there on, you hated how cliched it sounded, but everything just seemed to have fallen into place.

You went out together and called them dates, House let himself relax, stopped analysing every word he said, stopped debating whether he was enough for you and instead let himself slowly open himself up to you. You hadn’t been hurt the way House had, sure your last relationship had broken you for a while but you were trusting House to not do the same, you didn’t have the same insecurities so whilst you fell first it took House a little longer but he fell in love with you too.

It was good for the first few years, not perfect because nothing was ever perfect. You worked together and you went home together, sometimes that was too much, sometimes a case was too much and you couldn’t leave it at the door, instead dragging it in and letting it linger but everything always resolved itself, everything was good.

You fell hard and so did he. You moved into his place even after he offered to find somewhere else but you had just smiled at him and told him his house felt like home and you’d love to move in with him.

You couldn’t say how many nights had been spent with the two of you on his sofa, his arms wrapped around you with you against his chest, holding you close as you spoke softly to one another, how many nights had been spent listening to him play the piano that sat in the corner or listening to music filling the room after a long day where no words were needed.

It was good.

So where had things started to fall apart? When had that love turned into something else, something that seemed more for show than anything else. When had you gone from sitting in bed as House read aloud, the lamp lighting the room with a soft orange glow before the two of you drifted off in each other’s arms to you staying awake long after House had fallen asleep, staring into the silence and wondering what had happened, wondering if time was running out for you.

It had started with little things, things you hadn’t even noticed until months later. He brushed you off more, not just at work but outside too, suddenly your opinion didn’t seem as important. Then it escalated to him cancelling plans which evolved into him forgetting to cancel plans, leaving you sitting alone in a crowded restaurant, having to keep the tears out of your eyes as you left realising you’d been stood up again.

It was when the sympathetic looks came that you couldn’t bear it, not from the strangers around you but from Cameron, Foreman and Chase. Each of them had warned you away from him at the start, told you House just wasn’t a relationship guy but you had ignored them and it was worth it, it had been worth it for the best years of your life.

Their sympathetic looks hurt, they could see something wasn’t right but their’s weren’t the one that cut deep. That honour belonged to Wilson. House trusted that man more than anyone and to see his fond looks turn sad and sympathetic, that’s when it hurt.

The only person who couldn’t seem to see that things were falling apart was House himself. The man who notices everything, the man who sees the smallest thing and pieces together an entire puzzle without any other parts, the man who spots and obsesses over every anomaly failed to notice how tired you were. He failed to see the way you were sick, sick of being tired, sick of feeling unwanted, sick of questioning what you had done and why you weren’t good enough and where things had gone wrong and why he didn’t love you anymore.

You were sick and he couldn’t see it or maybe he just wouldn’t admit it. He still said the words I love you even as you frowned, wondering how he could so easily say those words when he couldn’t even see you in front of him, couldn’t see how you were dying from how much everything hurt.

How did he miss the pain and anger and grief in your eyes as you glared at him in the morning, him so easily going about his day whilst he ignored you, gave you a little bit but never what he used to. He smiled and joked in front of everybody, the others whilst knowing something was wrong never knowing the extent because not even House seemed to realise what was happening.

It had been years and you had wanted so much more with him, you wanted to give him everything and yet House seemed content stuck where you were, happy to stay frozen in time. You wanted to beg him, fall to your knees and plead with him to do something, to see that he was losing you despite how badly you had always wanted him.

It felt like your heart was twisting and stuttering, sometimes beating too quickly that you were afraid it was going to push you over the edge and sometimes beating so slowly you thought you were already dead.

You wanted him to notice, you needed him to notice, to do something to fix it. He was a doctor, he was the one who always noticed everything, focusing and giving it his attention until the problem was fixed but when he looked at you he didn’t see a problem because these days he never looked for long enough.

The thing was House had always been the one to understand you, to know what you were thinking without you ever needing to vocalise it, he used to be able to take one look and understand everything about you. Now though it was like you were a stranger to him.

You didn’t want to lose him, you didn’t want to be in a world where you didn’t love him anymore but you were tired and drained and just sad. Sure you may still fall asleep in the same bed but he never pulled you into him anymore, suddenly all the songs that he played sounded infinitely sadder and you nearly laughed at how you felt like those songs, becoming sadder and sadder as each day passed.

You had given him so much, you had never complained once about the drugs, accepting that was who he was, you had never given a second thought to his leg even when he tried to use it as an excuse to keep you from loving him, you loved his personality where most people struggled to even accept it.

You had given him the best of you and now it felt like everything was too far gone to bring back to life.

“Can I talk to you?” You asked softly as you stepped into House’s office, already having spoken to Cuddy and knowing you were doing what was best for you even if you did feel like your heart had exploded in your chest.

“Little busy right now.” He told you, barely taking his eyes away from the board in front of him, sparing you half a glance and missing the way your eyes were teary and red. “Can it wait?”

You took a shaky breath, wanting him to notice, wanting him to realise everything was broken. Where the man before you had once felt like home, had felt like he had been made by the universe for you to find, tied together with an invisible string to lead you to each other, now it felt like that string had been slashed, cutting off your blood flow and oxygen and stopping your heart all together.

“No, it can’t.” You said and watched as he huffed before turning to you, leaning against the desk to look at you and still not seeing something was wrong. Your lips quivered as you forced yourself not to cry, even as you felt the sting of tears returning. “I’m leaving.”

“You’re leaving?” He asked, raising an eyebrow at you, not seeming too alarmed.

“Yes, I’m leaving. I spoke to Cuddy and handed my resignation in and-”

“Wait a second, you’re leaving the hospital? Why? You love it here.” House said, his eyebrows knitting together as he tried to solve the puzzle in his head.

“I’m leaving New Jersey.” You interrupted his thought process, watching as he stared at you dumbly. “I already spoke to my parents, they’re letting me move back home for a little bit until I find something else but I’m leaving.”

“I don't understand.” He told you and it hurt, it hurt how genuinely confused he sounded. He really hadn’t figured it out, he hadn’t cared enough to notice everything had gone to pieces.

“I know you don’t.” You told him because it was all you could say, you knew he didn’t understand but he should, he should love you enough to see understand.

Do something, you pleaded in your head, say something, lose something, risk something, choose something, choose me.

You needed him to choose you, needed him to swallow his pride, to lose it for just a few minutes, risk being emotional, risk something, you needed him to choose you, all you wanted was for him to want you, to need you the way you needed him.

“So that’s it?” He said and your lips thinned as you fought back a sob.

Of course he wasn’t going to fight for you, of course he wasn’t going to choose you, not when he had been pulling away for so long without even realising it. Or maybe he did know what he was doing and he had just been seeing how long it would take for you to crumble and break.

“That’s it.” You forced out, somehow managing to keep the flood of tears from falling even as you felt the last of your heart stop.

“Right, well then, if that’s everything I have somewhere to be.” House told you coldly, not giving you a chance to say anything as he grabbed his cane and walked past you and out of his office, down the hallway without so much as glancing back.

Alone in his office you let the tears fall down, a hand to your mouth as you tried to muffle your sobs, not sure you’d be able to come back from this one. It hurt too much, all you had wanted was for him to fight for you and he didn’t even want to.

How had things gone so wrong?

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Prompt - ‘Run as fast as you can.’

When you had first met House hadn’t known what to think of the man. You hadn’t caught his attention, less vocal than some of the others competing for a fellowship under him but he had caught yours. He was so self-assured, the way he walked into a room and immediately started talking, not needing to see if he had everyone’s attention because he already knew he did. The games he played, putting you all against each other so obviously, eliminating people from any chance of a fellowship mid-sentence. 

You hadn’t known if he was a good man, it was hard to determine when you were in such a competitive environment where the man only wanted the best of the best but you had known he was a good doctor, sure he might not have given a damn about the patient but he was always determined to get a diagnosis. 

You had caught his attention two weeks into the fight for a fellowship. It had been an impossible case, not even he could figure it out, no matter how long he spent bouncing ideas back and forth just like the ball he threw against the wall. It was driving him crazy and even worse was that none of his potential fellows could figure it out either, how was he meant to create another perfect team when this lot couldn’t come up with anything? 

That was the day he noticed you. Of course he’d seen you before but you hadn’t done anything to catch his attention. He’d seen the way you’d open your mouth to say something only to close it, he’d seen you stick to the back of the group. He hadn’t said anything though, sure you were pretty and any other time he would’ve been all over you but it wasn’t worth his time if you weren’t going to be around long enough to make it fun. 

He stood at the front of the room, the remaining 26 hopefuls sat in seats around the room, all silently contemplating the case. House’s gaze shifted around the room, seeing nothing but stumped and defeated looks until he got to you.  

You were the only one in the room, himself included, who didn’t look disappointed, in fact you were sitting up straight in your seat whereas everyone else had slumped in theirs. Your eyebrows were knitted together, not in a frown but in a way that told House your thoughts were running wild. 

“You, number 7, come with me.” House said suddenly, watching as you startled in your seat and looked at him wide eyed as every gaze in the room turned to you. “Now.”

House didn’t wait after that, turning on his heels and leaving the room, hearing your footsteps hurrying behind him. He didn’t say anything in the elevator, staying silent until you both stood looking into the patient's room.

“What’s your diagnosis then, number 7?” He finally asked and your head shot from the patient to stare at House but he kept his eyes forward, waiting for you to speak.

“I don’t-”

“Oh don’t do that.” House interrupted, turning to glare at you. “Every single person in that room looked devastated. They couldn’t figure this out but you, no you have a diagnosis. You wanna work for me? Speak up, even if it’s idiotic it gives us something new to work with. So, go, what’s your theory?”

You took a shaky breath, letting his words roll around your head for a moment before nodding and turning back to look at the patient.

“Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease.” You said, watching House out of the corner of your eye to see his eyebrows knit together. “Her husband said nearly a year ago she became clumsy, people with CJD lose balance and coordination, they see double or they have blind spots. He said it became worse a few months ago and this causes loss of brain function and mobility, her brain is forgetting how to do the things she’s been doing her whole life. Add that with going from a highly respected professor to not knowing basic answers to the questions we’ve asked, it makes sense.” You defended your theory, shifting to look back at House as he stayed silent, showing no signs of how he felt about your answer. “I know it’s a rare disease but-”

“You’re right.” House said as he cut you off again and you could do nothing but stare at him in disbelief. “It makes sense. Have a biopsy done to confirm.”

And that was that. House walked away leaving you staring at him before you were able to snap yourself back to reality and do as he requested.

House had been surprised by you. He had honestly expected that you wouldn’t have made it much further into this little game he had made of gaining a fellowship but now, now he suspected you’d already won and he was more than happy to focus his attention on you now.

After that day House watched as you grew, confident in yourself now and offering theories and diagnosis’. You blushed and stammered under his newly given attention but refused to give into the man’s request of dinner or skipping the meal and heading straight to the bedroom.

It wasn’t that you weren’t interested in him, you were but you refused to let anything happen, needing to know that if you were awarded a fellowship it would be because you deserved it not because you were sleeping with the man giving them out. 

Once you were in though you held out for only a few weeks before you found yourself sat opposite the doctor in a surprisingly nice restaurant, House seemingly making an effort with his appearance and it was easy to let yourself get swept up with him and even easier to let your guard down.

It didn’t matter that he was your boss, it didn’t matter that he was years older than you, all you cared about was how he made you feel. 

And so just like that you found yourself getting wrapped up in House, whether it be going out together for food after work or falling into bed with him, suddenly your whole life was consumed by House.

“So you and House, huh?” Cameron asked as you sat down at one of the tables in the cafeteria, taking a seat opposite you with her own lunch.

“What about it?” You asked, frowning slightly at her. 

You hadn’t spent much time with House’s old fellows, only Foreman who had been brought back whilst you were fighting for a spot. From what you heard Cameron and House used to have a thing but you hadn’t pried, not sure how serious it ever got or if it had just been a fling. 

“You like him?” She asked, ignoring your question and you tried to figure out what her plan was. “I’m not here to cause trouble, me and House, there was never anything there.”

“There was something.” You told her and watched as she sighed.

“I had a crush on him. I realised it was a bad idea.” She told you after a moment to think about it.

“Why?” 

“You want my advice?” She asked you, sitting up in her seat and continuing without giving you a chance to answer. “When it comes to House, just run. Run as fast as you can because that man is incapable of putting somebody else’s feelings before himself. This won’t end the way you want it to and you’ll be left alone, heartbroken and angry. You’ll have to see him at work and you’ll hate it.”

“Thanks for the advice but just because it ended badly for you doesn’t mean it will for me.” You said, standing from your seat and leaving the cafeteria.

Cuddy was the next person to warn you away from him. She had managed to catch you just as you were heading towards your car and told you to be careful, told you that you were a good doctor and she’d hate to see House ruin that.

You weren’t so sure what to say so just smiled politely and excused yourself, brushing off her warning just as you had Cameron’s. 

You refused to think much more about the two of them as you pulled up to House’s and the man let you in, immediately attaching his lips to yours and pushing all thoughts and warnings out of your head.

It stayed good for a while, or maybe it had never been good and you were just so blinded by your feelings for him that you couldn’t see how bad it was. 

When things eventually took a turn you tried so hard to blame it on something else, convinced yourself that it was just the pain in his leg that made his mood shift more often than you were used to. 

“We had plans.” You said into the phone, already sitting in the restaurant House had said he would meet you at after his meeting with Cuddy. 

“This is important.” House told you, his tone even and not showing much concern for the fact that he was standing you up. “It’s just dinner.”

“Yeah, yeah it’s just dinner.” You nodded even as your heart sank.

The next time he called you it was like it was a different man, so apologetic and full of promises to take you out again, to make it up to you. You had smiled and written his earlier behaviour off as Cuddy frustrating him but it started happening more and more to the point you dreaded answering his calls, not sure which version of House was going to be waiting on the other side.

You were more than used to getting stood up at this point, House differed between having excuses for not showing up or just brushing you off when you finally did manage to catch him. 

You could feel yourself becoming drained, dealing with House’s mood swings was starting to take its toll on you. The nights you spent with him where just as confusing as everything else, some days, usually the days he had seen you withdrawing, he showered you in affection, kissed every inch of your body and made you feel so loved, other days he shut you out, glared and snapped at you until you left and somehow always managed to make you feel like it was your fault. 

Even during work, House made you feel useless, no matter how right your diagnosis was, no matter how much the others stuck up for you it was like you couldn’t do anything. You couldn’t remember how many times you’d walked away and cried silently in the toilets or gone home only to cry yourself to sleep.

You hated that you felt so bad about yourself, you hated that you were doing everything you could to please this man and he always made you feel like you were the problem. You hated that you hadn’t taken Cameron and Cuddy’s warnings when they were given, hated that you were so wrapped up in how good House made you feel that you had let him treat you like you were nothing just to soak up the small bits of whatever this sick, twisted thing he had convinced you was love was.

House liked his puzzles, he liked his games and he liked answers. He liked knowing how far he could push you and still have you running back to him, still having you thinking he could do no wrong.

You couldn’t do it anymore. You couldn’t keep running away from the hospital in tears, you couldn’t keep playing his games with their ever changing rules that you couldn’t understand.

“You can’t leave, we can work this out.” House told you, a soft hurt look on his face.

You’d usually fall for it, usually shake your head like you were being foolish and fall into his arms, savour the day or two of the House you had fallen for before starting the cycle all over again when he eventually turned cruel.

Now that you had made the decision to leave you couldn’t believe how you had missed how bad everything about your relationship with him had been. How had you been so blind?

“That won’t work anymore. Whatever game you’ve been playing with me is done, go find some other girl who’s too naive, who wants to believe there’s good in people to mess with because I’m done.” You told him, feeling a spike of pride for finally standing up to him.

“What game? I have no idea what you’re talking about.” House sighed, leaning against the desk. “Look, I’m sorry, I know things have been rough but I’ll be better. I promise.”

You’d believed that the first time. And the second. And third and fourth time. 

You wouldn’t fall for it again.

“Bye House.” You said softly.

“Don’t do this.” He pleaded with you but you ignored him and turned to walk out of his office.

On the way down to Cuddy’s office you bumped into Cameron and because word spread like wildfire in the hospital she gave you a sad smile.

“I hate to say it but I told you so.” Cameron said and you couldn’t help but laugh, a small laugh that bubbled into a slightly maniacal one.

“I promise to listen to you next time.” You swore and Cameron laughed back, squeezing your shoulder gently.

“If you ever need anything…” Cameron told you and you nodded gratefully, smiling back at her before her pager alerted her she was needed and you said goodbye, heading into Cuddy’s office.

Cuddy was sympathetic, she’d been waiting months for this meeting, knowing that at some point House was going to ruin it and send one of their best fellows running out the door. 

“If you decide to come back I’ll find you a spot somewhere, somewhere far away from House.” Cuddy told you and you smiled at her, thankful for your time at the hospital and hoping one day you would take her up on her offer. “It’s a shame to lose you.”

“Thank you for everything.” You told her softly before standing and shaking the hand she reached out towards you.

“You’re really just gonna leave? Like this meant nothing to you?” House asked as you left the clinic, walking alongside you towards the exit.

“I loved you, House, and all I wanted was for you to love me back but all you ever did was mess with me. You never loved me, hell you never even cared about me!” You told him, yanking your arm from him when he tried to stop you.

“Oh please, I missed a few dates and suddenly I’m the bad guy.” House rolled his eyes and there he went again, trying to make you the problem.

“House, I’m done. I’m done trying to get you to love me, I’m done playing your games, to shifting my whole life to revolve around you. I’m done feeling like I’m not good enough. Tell everyone it’s me who doesn't understand you, who betrayed you, say whatever you want but I’m done with you.” You told him, refusing to let your eyes tear up, knowing House would see it and jump on it.

You took a deep breath, behind him Cuddy was making her way out of the clinic, watching you and House carefully but you just shook your head because you didn’t need her to intervene. 

You weren’t lying when you told House you were done so you ignored whatever retort he had and turned away from him, walking out of the door and finally let the tears fall, sitting in your car until you were able to breathe properly before making your way home with tears running down your cheeks.

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