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tired :\

im so tired of life being so shitty all the time.

im so tired of not being particularly good at anything.

im tired of my fleeting hyperfixaction waves and all the hobbies i let fall through the cracks.

sick of my lack of commitment to any body, entity, plan or interest.

im sick of fights, of all the horrible things we yell at one another only to bury the next day as if we aren't still bleeding.

sick of people.

sick from lonesomeness.

so sick of wondering if others ever feel this lost, this hopeless, this pointless.

so sick of seeking something that i can never seem to name, much less find. it's this constant vacancy in my heart. nothing ever satiates it; it constantly longs. it's a greedy, hungry anomaly, this heart of mine.

let me lie a moment amidst quivering grass and shut my eyes that i may rest a second, not more. i trade my greed for a second of serenity, a moment of detached clarity

-penned by j. m. medna (2024)

I think that's what makes it divine tho! That art is fundamentally human and communicative and something we can all do and cultivate. A form of experiential beauty, or divine qualia. Call me ratatouille, but I agree with the idea that "anyone can cook", or pick up power tools or a knife as you say, but I think that is exactly what makes it so divine and magical...

To some of us, experience and qualia *itself* is divine. That means that when I see my kid experiencing his autistic little artistic flow as he stacks blocks or lines up cars on the counter... I think he's tapping into divinity, into experience and beauty and creativity. Maybe even into idealized platonic forms for all my neoplatonists... When I see them so happy and jumping around when they've successfully brought their mental ideal into real life, it brings me such joy as a parent. It's beautiful. It's divine. Alfred North Whitehead in his influential process philosophy work, "Process and Reality" speaks of this in terms of Neoplatonic forms as a fundamentally divine aesthetic. He calls it "satisfaction" when the physical pole of reality reaches its highest point of satisfying a platonic divine ideal. For me I have moments like this when I drive down the highway and blast music as catharsis. Or when I kiss my hot lesbian girlfriend... Art is the same way I think. Throwing out the divinity of it just because people have mixed it with imperialistic tendencies and set unreasonable unhealthy societal ideals I think is to throw the baby out with the bathwater!

For another perspective on this, I highly recommend watching a favorite video essayist of mine, CJ the X, on this subject. I think their takes about the cultivation of delicacy (or skill, in your example), subjectivity and objectivity and art are seriously worth looking at.

Here's a link, because I think it's just such a good way of looking at things. I don't agree with everything they say (which is good I think - thinking for yourself is exactly what you're doing with your post and I love that and wanna engage with this discourse on aesthetics!) but I love their dialectics and worldview and I think it's just super cool!

Peace and love from ya Eldritch girl,

-Izzy

the talk about art as something divine and mystical runs completely counter to reality: anyone can do it if they wanted to. its not a super power, its a skill. like handling a knife or power tools. anyone can do it.