I Am All There Is - Tumblr Posts
I do not know who I am
Though this is not entirely true.
I have loved my whole life
Trying to be a living sacrifice.
To put myself to death
For this is what God demanded.
But who was God when I was dead.
I still spell it with a lower case
As autocorrect translates it to my childhood norm.
I hate God.
Not for the reasons you think.
I hate God
Because I have been God
Climbed the steps
Raised the flag
Looked down on the whole of creation
And wondered.
Here I am again.
Can't help but sound arrogant.
Comes with the territory
A sin not to admit it.
This is what i have learned.
When you sit above all else alse
Nothing matters
Nothing at all
I have tried my damnedest
To be more than my body.
To be more than the best and worst of my flesh.
I have thrown myself before the throne.
Condemned myself to hell.
Offered every last parcel of my soul
And still no one above had answered me.
Only my own voice
Offering no salvation.
"hold the course
Give up to death"
Well damn heaven
Damn hell
There is only this earth
And not in the sense of non-belief.
Goddamn it
You matter!
I matter!
We all fucking deserve better!
No one has sat above
And thought we should try harder.
This life is cruel
And those who are human
Understand what it means to be sad.
Still
How many feel a need to be resilient?
To overcome
This unending dread which pushes us.
We need to overcome
Those words we tell ourselves.
The constant accolades
And condemnations of our pride.
I hate me
And yet I love me
Because I am both the cause and the result
Of this world I am born in to.
It is impossible to appoint blame
Unless you trace it back to God.
Either God was a fool
Or a calculating demon.
I can forgive the fool
But not the one who planes to cause pain.
Many recoil from accusing God.
It is in our nature
Yet we are summoned to be bold
To throw our accusations in their face.
For what sin has been so great?
What absolute wickedness have we committed
In order to deserve this world!
God is a fool
Just like us
For we are God in the future
Creating our past.
Blasphemy
Blasphemy
But I have been God. I have climbed those steps
Sat upon that throne.
Cast my soul to eternal damnation
For this is the cost of being absolute.
And it was worth it
Of I could bring just one smile.
If I could heal one broken soul
And right one crooked wrong.
I began evil
And I aspired for good.
I instigated selfishness
And yes prayed my all for kindness.
I am a fool
I am a lost cause
But I have loved
And been willing to face hell.
This is what God's love is
That they are willing to face hell
For all time
That they might see their loved ones bloom
And through eternity
Do better than ourselves.
Now I try to live a normal life.
Free of my own harsh directives.
You don't need me
And I don't need you
But we need each other
In spite of our own damn pride.
I hate you
And you hate me.
The world spins
In order to turn us against one another.
All we can do
Is understand how evil we ourselves are
And then find a way to see ourselves in the seat of evil.
There is an eye for an eye
And a bone for a bone.
A judgement for how we judge
And an answer for all the pain.
It is cruel to imagine it forever
As this annihilates forgiveness
But in forgiveness there is a path
And this path charts its way through timeslessness.
Everyone is the product of someone else,
And this itself traces itself back to God.
If God is willing to die
How much more so
In the time of eternity
We are able to let go
Those who do not deserve our forgiveness.
We will sail past those unworthy of us
And they will traverse the wake
Hoping to live beyond their evil.
It is not justice.
Justice
As prescribed by God
Leaves us all damned.
Even God cannot escape
For God set it in motion.
Why do I mention God so much?
Because God is at the root of all that we do.
Theist and atheist
Both harbor accusations.
Each of us have been tortured by the beyond.
So we look to the heavens
And no longer depend upon the almighty.
We and we alone are real
Only we can forgive ourselves.