I Despise Myself - Tumblr Posts

I keep thinking about @somerandomdudelmao latest upload of his comics where Donnie dies in a turtle pile with his brothers. Mikey and Leo hug him, and Raph holds them all on his arm. I can't stop thinking about it, so I decided to write this to get it off my chest. I hope you like it.

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Donnie usually feels a lot of things to the point of being overwhelmed by his surroundings. His skin always feels tingly to the touch, he can get irritated easily because of sounds, his throat gets grossed out by too many sweets, and sometimes he gets tired of trying to take in so many things with his eyes. It's a common thing for him; he's used to it, and it feels right. But right now, with Leo curled on his arm, Mikey on the other side, his hand resting above his heart, and the giant Raph-robot snuggling with their family, he can't feel a thing. He even has to concentrate to hear his twin's breathing, and Leo is snoring and drooling on his shoulder, with saliva creating a wet spot on the sleeves of his hoodie. He knows it has to be like that, but he can't feel the drool. He can't become uncomfortable because of it; he's too tired for that.

So instead, he tries to hate the Kraang. He has a list of reasons why he hates them:

They destroyed Raphael's body.

They took Leo's smile for several years before Casey Jr. came into their lives.

They took Cassandra away.

They took their Pops away.

Mikey had to grow up too quickly because of them.

A lot of families lost everything because of them.

All the technology humans had before was completely destroyed and torn apart.

The flora and fauna of the planet were destroyed to a point of no return.

He was dying and had to leave his brothers behind, April, Casey Jr., and everyone in the resistance who were their friends.

Yup, more than enough reasons, and he's sure he's missing a lot of other things due to his dull mind. Still, he can't get himself to hate them either, not because he actually feels some pity for them or something, but because he's exhausted from trying to do so. His brain just wants to think about other things, like, obviously, and against his cold bad boy image, his family.

He breathes, a little too shakily, making him cringe with the sound, and gives up that stupid fight of "Logical versus Emotional," letting his brain start craving on his memory about the years before the war. For sure, he missed those days. All the dumb jokes and funny times with his brothers, even when Shredder chased them! They were so young and carefree. Somehow he really believed they would be like that forever. Guess destiny doesn't like happy endings that much, huh?

He turns his head to look at each of his brothers. Raph has finally fallen asleep after an hour of being vigilant of his brothers. Mikey is murmuring in his dreams and clenching his hands softly. Leo seems to be between waking up for a few seconds and failing completely asleep. Donnie snickers and thinks about their shared insomnia, which not so surprisingly takes him to their first Turtle Pile. Donnie was around 4 years old, Leo was swallowing as much Jupiter Jim content as he could find, Raphael was learning how to control his force with their father's help, and Mikey was still learning how to make that low chirp thing that allowed them to speak like humans. He had just gotten hyperfixated on the circuits of a basic and old computer his father found in a trashcan some nights ago and was pulling an all-nighter to learn as much as he could about them.

 He had just started to make some sparks from putting the wrong wires together when Leo entered his "lab", rubbing his eyes and looking groggy, with a half-asleep Mikey hanging off his hand while chirping tiredly."Leo? What happened?"

He hadn't let go of the wires and had barely gotten his view off the disassembled computer and to his brothers. "Raph had a nightmare, the big guy doesn't want to be alone, and we're gonna have a sleepover. Come with us."

Leo yawned before offering his hand to his twin. Mikey looked at him with half-open eyes before reluctantly letting go of his newfound tech and taking his twin's hand, walking with them to the common room of the lair. Raphael was moving pillows anxiously with their father, just stopping when Leo put Mikey on his arm, and their father helped him lay down on the cushion in the center. 

Donnie climbed onto the net of pillows and blankets and got comfy beside the snapping turtle, leaving some space between the two of them. Leo curled up on the other side of Raph.Mikey was completely gone for the night, and Splinter put some weighted blankets on top of them, giving Donnie a purple one just for him, knowing that he wouldn't be too keen on the whole cuddling session. "Rest well, my sons. I'll be near if you need me." He gave them all a kiss on the forehead, letting the softshell last, who stretched out a hand to take his father's ropes.

Already groggy because of the sleepiness, he looked at the rat and asked in the best whisper he could manage. "Why are we doing this, Papa?"

"Because your brother is scared, Purple. This is our way to tell him we are here for him." Splinter kneeled in front of his son and pet his head with those little tuds he knew the little genius liked best. "It's a way of comforting him, making him feel safe."

"What is this called?"

Splinter thought for a few seconds and decided to just go with the easy shot. "A sleepover." His brothers were hearing the talk too, all of them too sleepy to care too much, but Mikey still frowned, puffing his cheeks and propping himself up a little with his hands, letting some chirps roll out of his tongue in a fast sequence, causing the laughter of his brothers and the confusion of his father."What did Orange say, boys?"

"He said we are a Turtle Pile, Papa." This time, Splinter laughed too and smiled tenderly at the small box turtle, stroking his cheeks affectionately. "Guess you're right, Orange. It's a Turtle Pile." He adjusted the blankets around the younger one before standing again. "Now, get some sleep. Tomorrow is a great day to play and learn some more, my sons."

Donnie smiled at the memory, feeling groggy, just like little Donnie so many years ago, and decides that he, as well, could give up to sleep now.