I Don't Know If We Can Be Friends - Tumblr Posts

don’t know if we can be friends || jjk

– summary: you fall in love with jeongguk, the boy who showed you the sun on a bleak, rainy day, but you weren’t sure if he wanted you. 

– genre: high school, best friends to strangers to lovers, post (friendship) break up au. fluff & angst – warning: mentions of drugs, drinking, lots of clichés, lots of pining, jeongguk acts like an idiot, small mention(s) of baseball and harry potter (which i do not own), attempts of being funny.

– word count: 15,068

Everyone has that one moment in their life where they wish they could go back in time and change what they did, hoping for a better outcome and different path to go on. 

Sure, growing up, you had lots of regrets and your fair share of embarrassing moments you wish you could erase out of everyone’s head, including your own, like the the time you threw up all over your best friend, Alaina’s back during the third grade spelling bee or the time you ripped your white jeans when you tried doing a cool figure skating move, humiliating yourself in front of the whole junior high school. 

But despite that, you wish you could go back and tell your past self to take driver’s education as early as you can with your classmates instead of waiting to take it during your first year of high school filled with random strangers. 

Maybe then you wouldn’t have tripped over your white shoelaces and land into Jeon Jeongguk’s lap in front of everyone.

It definitely wasn’t one of the most embarrassing moments of your life, but your cheeks turn red when you heard the whole class laugh at the fact you were sitting on a younger guy’s lap. 

Perhaps, it would have been better to take driver’s education earlier and not meet Jeon Jeongguk. 

Even though you’ve never had a proper conversation with Jeon Jeongguk, you know who he is. His family has been in this town for many generations, giving them a name and legacy for themselves; they were one of the most prominent families in town, loved by everyone because of everything they did, whether it was from donating a lot of money to charities, volunteering for various service acts or entertaining the town with their family talent.

So naturally, everyone knew about the town’s pride and joy, especially when he kept breaking academic and athletic records that were previously held by his parents. 

"Hi.” He releases a chuckle as you stare into his eyes. From the pictures you’ve seen of him, you know Jeongguk has big dark deer brown eyes, but now looking at them in person, there is something in his eyes that make him so alluring. Maybe it’s because he has the “I’m going to change the world” kind of look in his eyes, or maybe it’s because his eyes are going to change your own life. “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah.” For the first time in your life, your heart skips a beat. Perhaps it’s from sitting in a stranger’s lap, or perhaps it’s because he looks endearing with his pink denim jacket. “You have really brown eyes.” 

“Do I really?” This time he laughs, releasing a sweet sound into the air. 

You wanted to tell him that you like hearing his laugh and that you wanted to hear it even more, maybe, even for the rest of your life, but somehow, the words that came out did not match your thoughts. “Actually, did I say brown? I meant green.” 

When he laughs again, you couldn’t help but to smile. “I always thought they were like sea-blue eyes.” Even though it’s the first time meeting him, it seems like he appreciates the sarcasm remark and knows what you are trying to say. 

"Why don’t you take a seat next to Jeongguk instead of his lap, Y/N?” Your instructor asks, embarrassing you even more. 

“Sorry.” Finally, getting out of your trance, you get up and brush off the imaginary dust off your black jeans. “My bad.”

“No, it’s cool.” He laughs again, keeping a sweet smile on his face. “I’m Jeongguk. You should sit down.” 

Taking a seat next to him, you notice that his driver’s education assignment book was in the corner of his table while a thick book was opened, waiting to be read. “What are you reading?”

He shrugs, picking up the book from the table to show you. 

Raising your eyebrows, you see Jeon Jeongguk reading your favorite book from your favorite series. You would have never thought in a million years that he would enjoy reading, let alone reading a book that you desperately love with your whole heart. “Your teachers are making you read that?” 

“Actually, believe it or not, I like reading and I like this book,” he says defensively, as if someone has offended him before for reading. He looks away, staring down at the book. He’s ready for you to make fun of him even more, that you’d be another person to add on his list who shames him for reading. “What about it?” 

“It’s one of my favorite books.” you awkwardly chuckle, ignoring his defensive tone. “I cried really hard when I read Dumbledore dies.”

“Wait what? You like this?” He looks back at you, trying to comprehend the situation. “Like you really like this?”

“What, did you think I was making fun of you?” You smile, making his heart flutter. “I love that book.”

“No way!” His eyes light up like a small child coming down to see the presents under the Christmas tree. “I never met anyone else who liked this book or reading in general.” 

“It’s one of my favorite series, but the author is definitely a different story.” You see he nods his head excitedly in agreement. “I really like when he says ‘You care so much..’”

With no struggle or hesitation, he recites the quote perfectly, “You feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”

And from there, everything in the world suddenly makes sense. Everything clicks. The two of you end up talking about everything, anything, and nothing, and eventually, your instructor kick the both of you out of the classroom to stop distracting others. Despite being polar opposites, you still manage to find common ground with Jeongguk, forming an infinite bond with him, completely changing your life forever. 

________

By the time your second year of high school comes around, you finally are able to drive yourself home and back without the loud complaints and screams of your parents. 

On the first day, you pick up Alaina up. 

As long as you could remember, the two of you were inseparable and did almost everything together. You were always in the same classes and clubs growing up, but when high school came around, you stopped doing the same extracurricular activities. You hid your head in your studies, and your talks with her became less frequent as she cheered for every sport her boyfriend was in. It seemed like picking her up and sitting next to her in class were the only way you could still talk to her.

“Y/N? Hey, Y/N!” When walking from the parking lot to the entrance of the school, you hear someone calling your name. Turning your head back, you see someone in a black t-shirt and ripped jeans, getting out of the parked car right next to yours. “

“Who is that?” Alaina asks, squinting her eyes, trying to see whoever was calling your name. 

Squinting your eyes, you figure out it’s Jeongguk calling out for you. 

At first you don’t say anything, debating on whether or not to tell the truth or ignore Jeongguk. It wasn’t like you wanted to lie, but you also did not want to say the answer you knew that would upset her. “It’s actually Jeon Jeongguk.”

When you told her about Jeongguk, she didn’t believe it at first, or maybe, she refused to believe it. 

“You and Jeongguk have been talking this whole summer?” Two weeks before school was about to start, you picked Alaina up from dance camp, and while you were driving, she took a look at your phone, scrolling through the latest texts from Jeongguk. “I can’t believe you guys were able to befriend each other.” 

“What is that supposed to mean?” You asked with a hint of hurt in your voice.

“I don’t know if you like him or not, but I just want to let you know that it’s just a bad idea.” Her voice was filled with caution while her eyes were filled with sincerity and anxiety. “As crappy as this sounds, you guys do come from different worlds, and if and when those worlds do collide, you’re going to get hurt.”

Frowning, you sighed. “We’re just friends.” 

“For now,” she warns. “You’re old enough to make your own decisions, but I just want to warn you, he will break your heart when the time comes.” 

“Wait up!” He screams across the parking lot. 

The both of you stop in your tracks, looking at each other. She tilts her head in annoyance, not wanting you to talk to him. “You’re not seriously going to wait for him, are you?” 

“Do I need your permission to do that?” The sarcastic joke doesn’t sit well with Alaina as she gives another death glare. Everything had to be serious with her. “I’m not going to see him around at all, might as well to say hi for one day.” 

Jeongguk finally catches up to you and awkwardly waves at Alaina, not knowing what to do. He releases a sigh when Alaina doesn’t give him any type of response. 

The three of you start walking more towards the entrance of the school, but your best friend gives you some privacy, walking a few steps behind to let the both of you talk. 

“How was your summer?” You ask, walking to the door. 

“Just a lot of baseball stuff, and I learned how to fence when I went to Australia, so that was cool,” he says. “What about you? Did you do anything fun?”

“Not really.” Compared to other people, your summer sucked and was uneventful. Everyone in your grade was out, traveling to new places or experimenting new things that included almost all kinds of alcohol and drugs while you sat by your cousin’s pool, reading books and listening to new kinds of music while chatting with your relatives. There isn’t really anything special to it; you literally do the same thing when it wasn’t summer. “I just spent time with my family.” 

“That’s cool too.” A smile appears on his face. “Are you excited for your classes?”

You shrug your shoulders, and he laughs like it’s the funniest thing in the world. Over the summer, he has learned that you do care about school deeply, but present this apathetic, indifferent façade in front of everyone. “It’s going to be the way it is. What about you?” 

“Honestly, I’m a little nervous.” Jeongguk sighs and hands over a piece of paper to you. “It’s my schedule. Do you think you can help me find my classes again? I forgot everything from freshman orientation.” 

Taking a quick look down at his schedule, you notice Jeongguk’s put his shaky hands into his pockets. “You have geometry in the West wing where everything else is on the East wing. Do you want me to show you?” 

“If that’s cool with you.” With his hardened facial expression, he’s trying not to look nervous in front of everyone, but you could tell he’s nervous from his shaking hands and how he keeps on rocking on his toes. “What about you? Where are your classes?”

“The bell is going to ring soon,” Alaina says, walking away. “I’ll save you a seat in AP Lit.”

“I’m everywhere in this building, but my first class is in the east wing.” You hand Jeongguk’s schedule back to him and turn around where your black backpack was now facing him. “Can you open the smallest pocket and grab the thing out for me?”

Slowly, he unzips your backpack with a forced chuckle, not understanding why you couldn’t do it yourself. With your head turned slightly back, you give him a small smile when he scrunches his face in confusion, not understanding what you were asking from him. 

“Gummy worms?” Holding the purple bag with his left hand, he gently pushes your cheek, so your head looks forward. “I don’t want you to hurt your neck.”

“Take them.”

This time, his chuckle isn’t forced and comes out naturally. “Are these like magic gummy worms, or are these somehow supposed to help me?” 

“On my first day of freshman year, I thought I could do it all myself,” You tell him as he zips your bag up. “I didn’t look at my schedule that completely changed and went to all the wrong classes. It was shit, but at the end of the day, I had these gummy worms to make me feel a lot better.” 

“For a second, I thought you were calling me fat.” The bell rings right as when you start laughing, and at that moment, Jeongguk wishes that he could have heard the melodic sound you made with your eyes and nose scrunched up.

“You should head to class, Bud.” Everyone is heading towards their first period class while the two of you are still standing by the front doors. “Text me if you need anything.”

He moves to stand next to you, giving you a small smile. In a small voice, he asks, “Will you be there for me?”

“Of course, I’ll be there,” you say, not knowing that sentence would mean a lot to him.

Jeongguk only needs to walk a few meters to get to the West Wing while you have to walk what seemed like a marathon to get the first period class in the East Wing.

The tardy bell rings once you sit in the seat right next to Alaina. 

“Where’s the gummy worms?” She’s asking about the gummy worms that you always share with her, the same ones you gave to Jeongguk.

“I gave them to Jeongguk.” She rolled her eyes. “He needed them more than us.” 

“I’m sure he did,” she grunted. “What’s next? You’re going to ditch me and walk him to all his classes?” 

You tell her that was unlikely, but that was before Jeongguk was standing by the classroom door, waiting for you with the empty bag of gummy worms in his hands at the end of first period. He thanks you for the worms and tells you all about his class, not leaving a single detail out as he walks you to your second period class. 

Even when his class is in the opposite side of the building from yours, he somehow makes the time to go to yours and walks you to every class period. Sometimes, he’ll barely make the tardy bell, but he thinks it’ll be worth being tardy if that means he gets to talk to you even more. 

He knows he’s not obligated to walk you to class, but he does so anyway, and you let him.

________

“Do you have any plans tonight?” With all his sport practices and him running around through town to support his siblings, there was actually no time for you and Jeongguk to spend time together, so Fridays during fourth period became the designated time for the two of you to ditch class and eat an early lunch together in the baseball dug out.

“No idea.” Although you shrug, you want to say that you already were going to the football game tonight to support the team and drink hot chocolate with your friends in the bleachers, but it doesn’t come out. “What’s up?” 

Being with you makes him feel like he can say anything without any judgement, but at the same time, he nervous and bites inside of his cheek, not knowing if he wants to say what’s on his mind. “You should come to the game tonight.” 

Just like the first time he met you, he’s ready to be embarrassed and humiliated from the jokes and insults, but when he hears your euphoric laugh, he could have sworn he also heard wedding bells. “Okay, I will.”

The corners of his mouth turned up. He can’t stop smiling, especially after seeing you grin as well. “Really?” 

“Yeah, of course!” Even though you’re happy to go for him, you couldn’t help but to wonder why he wants you to go. Awkwardly chuckling, you ask, “But is it because Iron Man coming to the game tonight, or why are you telling me to go?” 

“I think I’m playing tonight, like, I’m starting.” 

“Deadass?” The football coach was known to only put his favorites onto the field, and those favorites had to be extremely good. Most of the time, people usually don’t play on the field until their senior year. If the coach didn’t like you or didn’t think you were good enough, you were benched. 

“Deadass,” he affirms, trying to hold back a smile. “Sam got a technical, and Coach says he wants to put me in to replace him for now.” 

“That’s great.” The bell for the next period rings, but Jeongguk hasn’t finished his turkey sandwich, and his trash and tupperware are everywhere. “I’m going to head out, but I will see you later tonight.”

"Where’s your friend?” Of course, Alaina catches you in the halls the one time Jeongguk doesn’t walk you to class. “Did he get lost in the big school?” 

Even though Jeongguk has been nothing, but a great friend to you, she still did not approve of your friendship with him, and she liked to be very vocal about it. Some days, you would tell her to knock it off and to stop being immature, but today, something inside you wants to snap. “I’m pretty sure cheerleaders are supposed to support everyone.”

She stops to look at you, not expecting you to talk back at her. “Excuse me?”

“He’s playing in the game tonight.” 

This time, she raises her eyebrows up in amusement, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “Freshmeat Jeongguk thinks Coach Jackass Kim is going to put him in tonight?”

“I guess we’ll see.”

When Jeongguk’s name is announced by press announcer, Alaina, on her cheer box, takes a look back, trying to spot you in the crowd, and she sighs before giving you a look that she’s impressed. 

After every football game, your small town and school had a tradition where students, families of the team and the cheerleaders and any other community members just go onto the field (or court) to talk, say ‘good job’, take pictures and more. 

As you wait for Alaina to put her cheer stuff away, it doesn’t take long for you to spot Jeongguk on the field. He’s all sweaty and sticky in his black football jersey, but that doesn’t stop him from wrapping his arms around his mom, who, is laughing, but is also playfully trying to get him off. This is the happiest you’ve ever seen him, and you just want that moment to last forever.

“Are you going to talk to him?” Alaina’s voice is filled with mockery and disgust when she stands next to you and sees how your eyes stare and glimmer at Jeongguk and his family. “Tell him congrats on his first and probably last varsity game?”

That something in you that wanted to snap earlier, finally does. “What the fuck is your problem, Alaina?

Occasionally, you would raise your voice when you’re trying to get someone’s attention across the hall or when you were trying to be the loudest person in the bleachers, cheering for the team, but you’ve never actually raised your voice at Alaina till now. “What?”

"I don’t need to repeat myself when you heard me loud and clear.” 

“Are you serious right now?” Scoffing, she shakes her head, not liking the treatment you were giving her. “You’ve changed all because some stupid guy gives you an inch of attention?” 

Taking a quick glance around the field, you notice how everyone stopped their conversations with their friends and families, and they were all now interested into listening to yours. “Do you honestly think someone like him wants to be friends with someone as hopeless as you? He only wanted the attention you gave him, that’s it.” 

“Hey, don’t fucking disrespect her like that.” Out of nowhere, Jeongguk appears next to you, putting his hand on your back, rubbing comforting circles to comfort you. You turn your head to look at him just to find him staring at Alaina with rage. “Believe it or not, Y/N can make her own choices and have her own life that doesn’t include you. Don’t try to gaslight her and manipulate her when she’s done absolutely nothing wrong.” 

Finally, he looks at you as Alaina gives up and walks away, and he’s looking at you as if nothing else in the world matters to him. The world could have been collapsing, and he would look at you the same way, only wanting to see you. “Are you okay?”

Avoiding his gaze, you nod and look onto the ground, not wanting to see if his eyes were filled with pity or insincerity. Just like the first time you meet him, you’re embarrassed. “I’m so sorry.”

“Why? You have nothing to be sorry for.” He offers his million dollar smile, moving his hand onto your shoulder. “Come on, I’ll take you home tonight.”

Meeting his eyes again, you notice his eyes are filled with sincerity, that he’s being genuine, that everything he says is what he means. “Oh no, you don’t have to.”

“It’s on the way to my house, it’s cool.”

"No it’s not.” In fact, the two of you live in opposite directions, and everyone knows it. A lot of Jeongguk’s family resided on the west side of town, living in neighborhoods with great views of the city, next to the bridge view while you lived in the east direction, almost thirty minutes away from each other.

“I want to take you home, Y/N.” 

So you let him. 

The two of you walk to the parking lot in silence. He’s putting his football equipment into the back of his car while you adjust the air, trying to find the perfect spot to hit you and him. 

“Why are you still friends with her?” He asks once he gets in, breaking the ice.

When it takes you a while to answer, he sighs, starting his car with his automatic headlights coming on. Silence fills the car as he drives towards to your house.

It wasn’t until him pulling into your driveway, where you finally can put your thoughts into words. “As stupid as it sounds, she’s been there for me through everything..Everyone leaves me, and I guess she decided to choose to stay by my side and not leave, ya know?” 

“Can I be honest?” 

“You can always be honest with me, Guk.” 

"What she did tonight to you was not okay in any shape, way or form. She had no right to say that.” He turns his head to look at you. “And I hope you know that none of what she said is true.” 

"I know.” You take a breath. “She only said it to make me mad.” 

“To be honest, I never really liked her.” He sighs in relief, happy to finally get this off his chest. “There was just something about her that just made her seem off, and her jealously and how she wanted to hurt you tonight really shows her true colors. Just because she’s been there for you all your life, doesn’t mean how she treats you is okay.” 

“I know.” 

“I mean it, Y/N,” he says. “I’m here for you now.”

“Okay.”  

“I know what it’s like, to be alone, to have no one understand you, and I never want you to ever feel that way. From now on, I’m here for you, always. We’re great friends, and I truly value our friendship and you.” Before you could tell him anything else, he sighs again. “I have to wake up early tomorrow for my sister’s basketball tournament, so I have go.” 

“I’m sorry for ruining your night.” 

“You didn’t, but you can make it up to me by going to all my games.”

So you do. 

__________

From spending long tiring hours in the library, reading books and studying with your new friends to traveling through the city to city to watch all of Jeongguk’s football, hockey, and baseball games, sophomore year is all a blur. 

Although your year is a complete blur, Jeongguk remembers it all. 

Since the night he first played on varsity, your friendship has blossomed into something greater. He became your sun on your most rainy days.

By the end of football season, he can tell all your tics: your lip trembles when you lie, you yawn in a middle of your cries, and you always put your hair into a ponytail when you’re stressed (which he finds adorable). You can tell all of his, how he rocks on his feet when he’s nervous and he blinks when he curses. 

When he’s put onto varsity hockey team, you find out his biggest fears of being alone, how he always want to be good enough and how he hates the work “irk.” With you, Jeongguk learns the complicated history of your parents, how you rarely saw them as they worked shifts at random times, and how you never wanted to be home to see them. He knows how you’re afraid, not because they do anything bad, but you don’t want them to be disappointed in them if they just stared at you and figured you out. 

At the end of baseball season, the two of you practically know each other, inside and out, making the two of you inseparable. If you were there in the halls, Jeongguk was for sure there in a five foot radius. 

“Thought I’d find you here.” Jeongguk’s heart skips a beat when you turn your head back to smile back at him. He’s wearing an oversized baggy grey t-shirt with black jeans with his back backpack slung over his shoulder. “You know school is officially over, right?” 

“Just waiting for the school librarian to kick me out,” you teased, making him throw his head back to laugh. Your joke is stupid, but you just make him laugh so easily. Everything with you is so easy. “Why are you still here?” 

Instead of answering, he uncrumbles a piece of paper in front of him: his schedule. With your head still turned back, you attempt to read it, but Jeongguk rolls his eyes and puts it in front of you. “I dropped business and switched some things around.” 

“Hey, what a coincidence!” You exclaimed excitedly, looking back at him. “We have the first four periods together next semester.” 

Jeongguk shrugs and doesn’t say anything, because he already knows. For the last few days, he’s been working, trying to find classes or trying to get permission from a bunch of teachers to take the same classes and electives as you just so he could walk you and sit next to you in class. No more rushing and trying to beat the tardy bell. 

Getting his schedule back from you, he pats your shoulders. “Come on, I have a surprise for you before I go.”

The smile on your face disappears when Jeongguk mentions he’s leaving, reminding you that everyone, especially your closest friend is traveling for the summer while you were alone and stuck in your hometown for the next three months. “Okay.” 

Although Jeongguk’s surprise is a thirty minute drive away from your hometown and he absolutely hates driving for a long period of time, he’s happy to be able to talk to you and take quick glances at you every time he hits a red light. 

When he finally arrives at the destination, he looks over to you, seeing euphoria and happiness filled in your eyes. He’s wondering how he could live in this moment forever and not let it go, so content with how things are right now, but he knows one day, your friendship would change, and he has to learn to live with that. 

“This is perfect, Dude.” Finally, you look over to him. “Thank you.”

One day, he thinks. One day, things will be different.

"It’s actually my grandma’s bookshop,” he says. “I know that summer is always hard for you, but now, you have a place to escape to when you just want to feel happy and surrounded by things you love.”

Unexpectedly, you pull him towards you and awkwardly wrap your arms around him despite the seatbelts restraining the both of you. “I hope time flies, so summer ends soon.” 

He laughs. “September will be here before you know it.” 

Just like any other summer, everyone is traveling and spending time in new places where you were still doing the same thing, but this time, you can add Jeongguk’s grandmother’s bookshop to the places you see.

But now with the distance between you and Jeongguk and his very busy schedule, the two of you haven’t been able to talk. As you would wait for Jeongguk to find time to reply, you would always bump into Jay. He’s always reading a classic book and seems to be the opposite of Jeongguk, but still, for some reason, he captures your attention enough to say yes when he asks you to go on a date with him after you bump into him for the fifth time. 

When August comes around, you’re still going on dates with Jay, and you even let him come over and meet your mom, which Jeongguk hasn’t even done yet. 

“Hey kiddo.” With a phone up to her ear, your mother knocks on the opened wooden door. “I’m on the phone with Jeongguk’s parents.” 

In history, you remember learning about the “shot heard round the world” and how your classmates really amazed that people from anywhere could have heard the gunshot. But hearing the fear and concern in your mother’s voice seem louder than that. “Is something wrong?” 

“Jeongguk’s coming back home today,” she says. “They say he tore something called a meniscus? I don’t know, something with his knee. It’s not looking good. He’s going to get surgery.” 

___________

Despite the pain he was feeling everywhere, Jeongguk feels like he is walking on clouds effortlessly and freely when he sees you in front of him. Your head is resting near the knee that had surgery, holding his right hand with both of yours. With his free hand, he strokes your hair as you peacefully sleep, soft snores and gasps coming from your mouth.

Jeongguk considers himself to be a very patient person, but he couldn’t believe that you were actually getting more sleep in front of him when he was the one who was operated on. As much as he wanted you to get some sleep, he wants to hear your voice. “Hey.”

Being a light sleeper, you stir a bit before finally opening your eyes to find Jeongguk in front of you, staring. A part of you is happy that he’s okay, another part is exhausted, wanting to go back to sleep while the other part wants to cry, because he’s here. He’s really here. “Guk, you’re okay.” 

“I didn’t expect you to drool when you sleep.” He lightly chuckles, still staring and stroking your hair. "What’s wrong? Everything okay?” 

Squeezing his hand tighter, your eyes flooded with tears. It wasn’t often that you end up crying, but here you are, in front of him, wanting to cry. “You’re really here.”

“Did you miss me that much?”

His attempt to make you smile is successful. “You’re such a dork.” 

“I’m here,” he squeezes back. “A month early all because I did a stupid drill during football camp, but it’s worth seeing you again.”

“But you can’t play this season and you’ll be on crutches.”

He shrugs, not wanting to think about that now. “Let’s just enjoy this moment.”

The rest of the night is filled with silence, a different kind of silence the both of you were used to. It wasn’t the kind of silence where it’s awkward and there’s absolutely nothing else to talk about. It’s the kind of silence where in that moment it feels like the two of you are so comfortable with each other that the silence is perfect. The two of you accept each other’s presence without any judgement and worries.

“Guk?” This time, Jeongguk has his eyes shut close, and your left hand cups his face, thumb caressing his cheek. “Are you awake?” He is, but or some reason, he chooses to stay quiet, to not stir, to let you think he’s peacefully asleep. “I’ve been reading a lot, and there’s this quote that I think resonated with us: ‘I have nothing to say except that you are the one to whom I want to say nothing.’ I was so scared, Guk. I never want to lose you ever.” 

Knowing all of his cousins, aunts, uncles, and many more extended family members would visit him and help him get home, you leave early in the morning, leaving a handwritten note that you would talk to him later, wanting him rest and spend time with family. 

Thinking of you, he wishes you had stayed to meet the most important and supportive people in his life, and he tells his family that he wishes they could have met you too. His grandmother teases him about his crush and how she thinks it’s cute that the two of you were close when you have a boyfriend.

He doesn’t say anything. 

The pain finally kicks in.

For all of his life, he has always been playing a sport, but now, he feels completely lost without it. He wants to talk to you, rant about he feels betrayed by his own body, that he cannot participate in a season of football, and maybe hockey. And he knows you are just one phone call away, always being so understanding and saying the right things to comfort him, but for some reason, he feels like he lost you too. 

It all hurts.

And his cousins can tell. 

So when his cousins tell him they have something to numb the pain, something to help him relax and clear his head, Jeongguk takes their offer and smokes it. 

______

They weren’t kidding when they say junior year is the toughest year during high school. 

At the start of junior year, you’re overwhelmed from all your college classes and the constant, meaningless arguments with Jay about the (lack of) progression in the relationship between the two of you. 

If it weren’t for your four classes with Jeongguk, you definitely would have dropped out and move into a whole different country, forgetting everyone and everything you’ve ever known here. He’s always there, making small idle conversation, taking your mind off the things you would be dealing with later. 

But despite that, your heart aches. 

He is still your Jeongguk, but there is something that’s different, and you couldn’t figure out what exactly. You try having those deep conversation with him and attempt to spend more time with him outside of school, but he always talked about homework only and went somewhere else with the students involved in the athletic department. 

There’s a pained feeling in your chest; it’s as if your heart got stung by a thorn. Your heart ache, thinking if you would to stop talking to Jeongguk, the two of you would never talk ever again. 

It’s a strange feeling, missing someone when they’re literally right next to you. 

It wasn’t until two months into the school year where you discover Jeongguk started drinking and smoking.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Raising his eyebrows, he looks up from the partner assignment the both of you were working on in your foreign language class, giving you a look of confusion, before he realizes what you’re talking about. 

“I don’t think this is the right place or time to talk about this.” His reply makes your heart sink a little; he never cared about what the two of you talk about in public. “Besides, you never told me about Jay.” 

“Because there’s nothing to talk about,” you gritted through your teeth.

“Funny how he says the opposite to everyone,” he deadpans, looking back down at his assignment, no longer looking at you, acting interested in finishing his homework. 

“If there was anything, I would have told you, Guk.” No response. “He and I are friends, the same way you and me are.”

“Friends, right.” He takes a quick glance at you, thinking about if that word actually represented the two of you. There’s a feeling of resentfulness towards you that Jay is somehow on the same level as him, but he doesn’t say anything, staring at the assignment. Though at the same time, he’s glad there really is nothing more. “There’s nothing wrong with me doing it.” 

“I never said there was,” you articulate. ”I never judge you, because I know you will always do what’s best.” He wonders why you think that of him. “I just don’t want you to get in trouble if you get caught, and I don’t want you to get hurt or have it affect you negatively. I just don’t want to lose you.” 

“And you won’t,” he promises. 

But that doesn’t stop you from feeling like you have. 

He should listen to your warning, but instead, he takes it like he has your permission and blessing to continue doing it. He lets the drinking and smoking become an everyday thing, and he feels great. Everything is all numb: he doesn’t feel the pain in his knee and the pain of your friendship. Nothing is on his mind, just the way he wants it to be.  

Jeongguk’s pulling away from you, and you didn’t do anything about it. 

And he wishes you did.

_______

Three weeks before the hockey season starts, Jeongguk leaves third period early to go to his last session of physical therapy, finally happy to he finally walk on his own again. He snaps you a snap of a picture of him genuinely smiling with his crutches, something you haven’t seen awhile with the caption: the day has finally come, and no more using these bad boys. 

When he walks out through the hospital doors, he’s getting ready to call you again, tell you how he happy he is. He wants to hear your voice, congratulating him and hyping him up, like you always do.

About to press the green call button, a snowball is thrown at his chest, forcing him to look up. “Y/N!” His lights sparkle with happiness, seeing you stand in front of him. “You’re here.” 

“I wouldn’t miss this for the entire world.” 

Before he could say anything, you throw another snowball at him, making him laugh. He opens his mouth again, and you quickly pick up snow from the ground, throwing it again. 

“You really have a death wish upon you!” This time, he forms a snowball quickly, making you run and scream. The two of you are laughing and running around in the hospital parking lot, having the best time. You want to make today memorable for him, for him to always be this happy without drugs or alcohol. 

“So you and Roman..” His voice trails off, trying to catch a breath in the cold. The two of you take a break of throwing snowballs at each other, now just standing close to each other, each of you holding a snowball in your hands. 

You raised your eyebrows, wanting him to finish his sentence. “What about me and him?” Roman is in your third and fourth period class, talking to you and walking to you to class when Jeongguk didn’t. Again, the two of you have a platonic friendship, but everyone in your school could not believe the concept of boys and girls being friends and not lovers. 

He hesitates, then carefully asks, “Is it the same like me and Sydney?” 

Numerous questions fill your thoughts, not understanding the situation between you and your best friend. Scrunching your eyebrows in confusion, you ask with some unintentional harshness in your voice, “Who the fuck is Sydney?” 

He knows you and loves your voice when you’re confused; some people might find you passive aggressive and angry, but you were just confused and blunt, unware of any context given to you. He rolls his eyes, laughing right after. “You’re the biggest dork ever.” 

Somehow, that sentence ignites something inside you, awakening your senses and imagination, letting thousands of hypothetical situations go through your head, like Jeongguk in his black hockey jersey, having his arm wrapped around you, laughing and rolling his eyes to something you said.

Looking at his crimson-colored cheeks, you want to go on your toes to press your lips against them, give them some warmth, and you want him to do the same. 

A wave of nausea hits you like a ton of bricks, making you drop the snowball in your hands. The color from your face drains as you think about all the growing feelings you were experiencing for your best friend. They come at you all at once with no warning or brakes, overwhelming every fiber in your being. “I think I need to go.” 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He reaches out to put his hand on your shoulder, but you take a step backwards, not wanting to feel his touch. There is a hint of hurt on his face when you flinch, but he shakes it off, displaying the look of concern. “Are you okay?”

“I think I’m sick from being out in the cold.” Jeongguk knows you were lying by your trembling lip. At first, he wants to laugh because even after all this time, you still couldn’t lie to him, but every other thought after that one, he just wants to make sure you’re okay. He wants to know what is wrong and if he did something to offend you. “Talk to you later, yeah?” 

His lower lip quivers as well, hesitating on what to say next. He knows that you were hiding something, and as much as he wants to call you out on it, he doesn’t. Instead, he nods and lets you go. “Drive safe, okay? Text me when you get home.” 

Jeongguk celebrates that night by getting drunk and high with his friends, trying to forget the pained look you had on your face as you lay in bed at home, staring at your ceiling, thinking about that one simple sentence, letting it consume the rest of your waking days. 

_____

“So after two years, you finally just realized that you’re practically in love with Jeongguk?” Your close friend Adelaide teases, nudging her elbow to your side, trying to make you laugh. “Was that so hard to admit?” 

It’s been a week since you’ve been away from Jeongguk; you and Adelaide flew across the country to compete at the national level for your school’s Academic Decathlon. You’ve been so busy with the competition and tried to distract yourself from thinking about him. Now, with the competition over, you and Adelaide lay next to each other on your hotel bed, telling her all your thoughts and feelings that have been consuming you. 

"Yes.” You release a sigh, staring at the popcorn ceiling, overwhelmed with every feeling in your body as all you can think about is Jeongguk.

“Do you think it was a love at first sight kind of thing?”

“No.” The love you feel for your best friend was gradual, slowly progressing over time. “But I think everything changed after the football game, where he saw me in a vulnerable state, and I let him into my heart. And now, I just really miss him, especially right now. But he’s not even thinking about me at all.” 

“You don’t know that.” Adelaide counters. “I really do think he likes you.”

“At this point, don’t you think we’ve been friends long enough that we can’t like each other?”

“Come on, Y/N,” she says in her teasing voice, but her tone changes when she realizes you don’t know what she’s talking about. “Jeongguk literally looks at you like you’re his everything.” 

“No he doesn’t.” 

"He’s completely lost without you!” She states it like it’s the obvious. “Everyone knows that he will do anything for you.” 

“Things are different now,” you admit. “A lot different.”

"Because of Jay and the drugs?” 

“And apparently someone named Sydney,” you mumble under your breath, saying the girl’s name with venom in your voice.

“Wait that’s actually true?” She asks with urgency in her voice. “He’s talking to her?”

“Okay, who the fuck is Sydney?” You ask again in the same tone you did before. “Am I the only one who doesn’t know her?”

“She’s literally the girl version of Jeongguk, always playing every sport, breaking lots of records, except in our year. Her family has been here for generations. She seems really innocent and dumb, but she’s always drinking and smoking in the school bathrooms, has a bunch of flings,” she explained. “She’s Alaina’s best friend now actually.” 

“That explains a lot.” Ever since the night of Jeongguk’s first varsity game, you and Alaina were no longer on speaking terms, her believing you took Jeongguk’s side over her. Since then, you never bothered to keep up with her and ignored everything surrounding and associating her. 

“I don’t think that’s his type though, so why don’t you just ask him if he likes you?”

Peeling your eyes from the ceiling, you give her a questionable glare. “Because surely asking him if he has feelings for me is a great conversation starter. What a great idea, Adelaide.”

"No, you idiot.” She rolls her eyes, getting up to sit up straight, handing over your phone. “Just ask him what he thinks of you, and then you’ll know your answer.” 

“Wow.” You scoff, unlocking your phone. “Maybe it is that easy.” 

Already, there was a text from him around ten minutes ago. 

[guk] what time did you want me to pick you up? 

“He’s picking you up?” Adelaide asks, taking a peak at your phone. 

“Yeah, before I left, he asked me if he could give me a ride back home,” you say as you start typing a text.

10, does that work for you?

[guk] oh fuck, i might have baseball practice. if i do, i’ll let you know but my mom can take you home too 

okay. hey random, guk, what do you honestly think of me? 

[guk] you know how i feel about you

i don’t. that’s why i’m asking 

[guk] then i don’t think now is a good time to answer that 

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Adelaide asks, still looking at the conversation, not knowing what’s going on. You know, but you just hope it wasn’t the case. “Why can’t he fucking tell you?” 

why?

[guk] i’m so drunk right now

For the last few months, you feel so emotionally drain, grieving over the person Jeongguk used to be and trying to still have him in your life, not wanting to lose him despite the new person he is. You couldn’t help but to send an angry, passive aggressive text. 

of course you are 

[guk] what is that supposed to mean 

ur always drunk 

[guk] is that so bad 

i just don’t get you, guk. it’s always a guessing game with you, one step forward, five steps back. i don’t know where i stand sometimes when we barely talk anymore and how do i know when you’re always like this 

[guk] i’m too drunk to handle this. 

Not responding to him, he takes your silence as an end to the conversation, which leaves you more confused than before. More thoughts fill your head, letting your insecurity eat you away. Does he secretly hate you? Does he think about you all the time? Why is it that he couldn’t tell you the truth when drunk? He’s your best friend, you would have think he’s comfortable to tell you anything.

It all hurts. 

This is your first big argument with him, and it stings your heart.

The following day, you didn’t expect Jeongguk to be waiting for you at the airport right at 10. Tears fill your eyes when he smiles, taking your duffel bag away from you. He wraps his arm around your shoulder, whispering “Welcome back home.” 

The two of you don’t talk about last night.

________

Usually when people are asked about their favorite season, they say spring or summer, but for you, your favorite season is baseball season.

“How can you like this fucking sport?” Adelaide asks, sitting next to you on the metal bleachers, breaking the silence. “It’s way too humid, this game is slow and nothing happens!” 

You shrug your shoulders. “It’s very cathartic.” 

“For fucks sake, Jeongguk has been at bat for over four minutes! Just let the poor kid strike out or walk,” she exclaims, getting horrendous looks and hushes from the parents around you. “Anything just so this game can finally progress.”

Jeongguk’s best sport has always been baseball, always getting the “MVP” title in the district and having the highest batting average on the team, so when he strikes out for the fourth time this game, you grimace.

“Notice how Jeongguk suddenly sucks after his fight with you,” Adelaide points out.  

It’s been two weeks since the national decathlon competition, and everything goes back to normal: you and Jeongguk only talk during class, always making small talk and strictly only talking about the assignments and lectures. Everything seems normal, but there’s a weird awkward tension in the air. 

Rolling your eyes, you focus on the baseball game. “It doesn’t have anything to do with me. He’s probably just having a bad day.” 

“Funny how he’s been having a ‘bad day’ for the last two weeks,” she sarcastically remarks. 

The inning changes, and your heart drops when someone else puts on the catcher’s gear and goes onto the field where Jeongguk is supposed to be. You turn your head, seeing Jeongguk’s mom gather her stuff and leaves the stands with a worried look on her face as his dad talks to the school’s athletics director. 

You’re not paying attention anymore, leaving Adelaide alone on the stands to go outside the dugout to see Jeongguk, all pale, drinking his gigantic water jug as his mom pats him down with wet towels.

When he sees his face, he waves his mom away and slowly stands up. It happens so quickly that you rush to him, and he wraps his arms around you. “You’re okay.” 

“I’m okay,” he reassures. “I’m just really dizzy and I took myself out of the game.”

“I don’t know why I thought I was going to lose you.” 

He chuckles, squeezing you a little tighter than before. “It’s going to take more than that to get rid of me.”

“You’re okay,” you repeat again. You sound like you’re about to cry, but you don’t cry. “You’re okay.” 

There’s a French phrase, “la douleur exquise” that translates to exquisite pain, but in French, it’s deeper. It’s talking about the pain of unrequited love, loving and wanting someone you can never have.

And at the moment, you felt it, the exquisite pain of loving Jeongguk, someone you can lose at any given time or place, even when it didn’t matter because he would never be yours.

________

Unlike all summers, Jeongguk doesn’t go anywhere at all. 

Instead, he stays in your hometown, being selected with Sydney to coach and teach little kids how to properly play sports at summer camps. It’s a big deal for him, that he decides to stay sober, not wanting to risk his coach position. Besides that, he spends his time with his family, reading and laughing at his grandmother’s bookshop, hoping to see you there, but you spent your summer by your cousin’s pool once again. 

Knowing how busy Jeongguk is, you don’t ask him to spend time with you, but he promises he’ll see you once before the school year starts. 

It wasn’t until hours before the first day of senior year where Jeongguk calls you in the middle of the night, asking you to meet him on the bridge, to watch the sunrise over the bridge right before school starts. He smiles when you get into his car, all sleepy wrapped around your red checkered-pattern blanket.

“Why did we think this was a good idea?” He asks, shuddering next to you on park bench on the bridge, sharing the blanket together. 

“I didn’t think it was,” you mumbled, still groggy from waking up from your slumber. “I just wanted to hang out with you since we haven’t this summer.”

“Right, my bad.” His way of apologizing is different; he doesn’t actually say it, but you know he is. “I know I promised to hang out this summer, especially since I didn’t go anywhere.” 

You don’t say anything to his apology, rubbing your eyes with your fists. “So how are you and Sydney?” 

“I don’t get her at all.” He groans, finally seeing the sun rise, the warm colors being visible. “She tells me she wants to hang out, that I am the only one who gets her, that she wants me, but she won’t go out with me because she’s scared. She always picks her friends over me, giving me these weird signals.” 

In your mind, you’re telling Jeongguk that she’s a bitch, that he deserves better, that he should be with someone who gives him the time and day. But you don’t tell him that out loud. Instead, you just nod. “Don’t waste your time for her, especially when she’s not ready.” 

“Yeah, you’re right. I just like her, I guess.” Changing the subject, he says, “Look away.” he points in the direction of where the softer colors were being swallowed up from the bright, warm colors that everyone focuses on when looking at a sunrise. “Isn’t that pretty?”

You chuckle, tilting your head to look at him. Although he doesn’t look at you quite yet, he knows confusion is written all over your face, and he loves it. “That’s not the sunrise.”

“I know, but that’s really nice to look at, ya know? There will be other things to look at, that will be there, and that won’t catch your attention, but you should try to find those things, so you don’t miss it.” One of your favorite things about Jeongguk is his perspective, how he always manages to open your mind even more. He turns his head to find you still staring, and he laughs. “What?” 

“I missed you.” 

He stares back at you, and it seems like the world has completely stopped. Just by looking into his eyes, you feel safe, like no one in the world could hurt you. All your fears and worries are just gone when Jeongguk is with you. “I know that things have been different between us lately, but I want to start over again with you.”

And that’s enough to press the reset button between you two.

________

High school parties were always busted within two hours in your small hometown, always being ratted out by angry, jealous people who weren’t invited to the party. It was really a rare occasion for parties to be thrown, so when four boys are presented with an opportunity to rent a cabin forty minutes away from your hometown to throw a Halloween costume party, they couldn’t help but to take it. 

“And why does this party interest me?” It’s been two months since you pressed the reset with Jeongguk. He’s doing his best, trying to do everything he can to make you feel at ease as you apply to colleges, preparing the next part of your life. Sometimes, there’s some awkwardness when he walks you to class or picks you up to go to school, but the two of you are moving forward.

“Come on, we can finally go to a party and have some fun without having to worry if the cops are going to show up,” Adelaide whines, desperately wanting to go. 

“All those boys are making a guest list and are making you pay to get in,” you remind her, still having no interest. “That party is going to get busted within an hour.”

“Only one way to find out,” she teases. “I heard Jeongguk’s going.” 

“He doesn’t go to parties.” And it’s the truth. He’s too afraid of getting caught, so he only drinks alone, with family, or close friends where no one has their phone out. 

“I heard he lost a bet so he has to DD for Max.” 

And although Jeongguk has been telling you everything lately, he doesn’t tell you about the bet, and you wish you knew the reason why. You give him a week, before giving in to the party. 

He’s about to tell you about the bet he lost over text when he walks into the cabin, with a white paper sign “DD” taped onto his black windbreaker, but somehow, he gets a feeling that you’re here. He looks around the crowded, loud cabin to find your eyes, already looking at his. 

It’s weird how even in the most chaotic atmospheres, if and when he walks into the room, you just know, and your eyes would just suddenly meet his. 

“Told you so,” Adelaide says, taking another sip of her drink. “Are you going to talk to confront him?”

“There’s nothing to confront him about, because he’s not obligated to tell me everything in his life.” But a small part of you wish he did. 

And for some reason, there’s a feeling in his chest that’s telling him to go up to you and give you some sort of bullshit explanation on why he didn’t tell you about the party, but at the same time, he wants to ask why you’re there, and why you didn’t tell him you were coming. 

Maybe if he had known you were coming, the two of you could have carpooled. He would at least see you that night and make sure you were okay if you went with him. 

Before anyone could do anything, the colors red, blue, white start flashing outside the cabin window, and suddenly, the music is turned off and everyone is starting to rush outside as quickly as they can, afraid of the outcome if they were to be caught.

Although you didn’t consume anything, you didn’t want to be the only person found inside with all the unknown drugs and alcoholic beverages, trying to give the officers a reasonable explanation. You rush outside, following everyone else into the woods, accidentally separating yourself from Adelaide in the process.

“Oh god,” you mumbled to yourself as you go deeper into the woods following a group in front of you, trying to move as quietly as they can by avoiding to step in pile of leaves.

“Hey, come here, and we’ll hide,” one person in front of you says. Their voice is familiar, but you couldn’t tell who it belonged to because of the darkness. “But be careful.” 

As you get closer to the group, you want to turn back, give yourself in to the police, taking all the blame once you realize it’s Sydney, her drunken friends and Jeongguk all huddling down by a couple of trees, almost a mile away from the cabin. 

“Y/N?” He questions, unsure if it’s really you.

“Shhh,” one of Sydney’s friends hushes. “They might be coming.”

But Jeongguk doesn’t care. Making a bunch of noise by stepping on the leaves, he goes to you and tries to look into your eyes. It’s dark, but he can see a glimpse of them from the moonlight. “Are you okay?”

“Can you shut up, Jeongguk?” Sydney whispers angrily. “Why can’t you stop talking just for once?”

Not wanting to argue with any drunk girls, you silently nod, not bothering to ask Jeongguk the same question. You start to rub your arms, trying to keep yourself warm, waiting for the clear that everyone could go back to the cabin, grab their shit and go home. 

“Here.” Still, making all the noise in the world, Jeongguk takes off his black windbreaker and pushes the windbreaker onto your head. He’s pulling it down, saying, “You need it more than I do.”

Sighing, you’re putting the windbreaker on. It wasn’t until after you are finished when you notice a sudden white circle moving around and coming your way, causing Sydney and her friends to get up running further north. 

You think it’s the end, that you would be caught in the woods, but Jeongguk reacts faster than you, pulling your wrist and runs forward with them, so the both of you aren’t caught. “I’m not leaving you behind.” 

“I can’t believe we’re spending more time here in the woods than at the party,” you mumble under your breath, trying to make light of the situation. “The wolves are going to get us, Guk.” 

He couldn’t believe you were making a joke in this situation, but despite that, he replies, “Even then, you have me.” 

His words take you back to an old memory. 

A little after the end of football season, you spent your time studying for your AP Lit exam at the school library, cramming vocabulary words and definitions into your head. Right around seven, you planned to go home, but your car wouldn’t start from the cold weather. 

You called your parents to help you out, to start your car, but they were out of town, thirty minutes away, meaning you were stuck in the cold. 

Checking the time, you saw Jeongguk had texted you earlier. 

[guk:)] are you still at the library?

why, what’s up

[guk:)] once you finally filled your brain with those big words, you should fill that stomach up 

haha wdym

[guk:)] let’s eat out 

i would :( but my car isn’t starting, waiting for my parents to come 

[guk:)] aren’t your parents out of town 

[guk:)] bruh, i’m going to get you. stay in your car until i come

Even though it was a twenty minute drive, he made it in ten. As soon as he saw you, he quickly got out of his car, wrapping a black and white plaid-pattern blanket around you, and then quickly opened the hood of your car, connecting wires to connect to his. 

“You know you didn’t have to do this,” you reminded him, watching him as he tried to start your car. “I honestly could have waited for my parents.” 

“You have me,” he said, smiling as he finally got your car to start. “You always have me.

He drove all the way there to make sure you were okay, that you were able to get home safe, but at the time, you never thought any of it till now. Was it happening all over again?

For some reason, it all hurts. 

If he’s so into Sydney, why is he helping you? Why isn’t he helping her? Why is he being like this?

You wonder if he feels some obligation to help you, that he thinks you are helpless, that you need to be saved, and the thinking just makes you hurt. 

______

“Do you think you can help me with my rhetoric paper?” Jeongguk asks as he takes you to school.

It’s been a couple weeks since the party, and Jeongguk is still putting a lot of effort into trying to put your friendship to the way it was, but sometimes, he’ll slip and ask way too many questions about the assignment he missed because he was too high to pay attention. The other times he’ll bring gummy worms for the both of you to share in class together and pick you up to take you to school, making sure he gets some alone time with you even if it’s just a ten minute car ride.

With winter break and finals coming in a couple days, Jeongguk decides to use his free time and spend the night prior at your house, watching the Harry Potter movie marathon with you.

“Yeah, sure. When is it due?” 

"Tonight.” He gives you a quick glance, trying to give you a smile, but he sees the death glare you give him. “And I haven’t started.”

"Is it the compare and contrast paper?” He nods, finally pulling up to the school parking lot. “I’ll help you during our free period. It can’t be that hard, right?” 

“It’s a good thing we watched the movies last night, because I’m just going to compare them to the books.” 

Jeongguk has rhetoric right before your free period, and with a guilty look on his face, he sits next to you with his laptop open. 

“Well, at least, you have some things down.” Your tone comes out flat as you look through the three pages Jeongguk has. There’s a bunch of errors in the body of the paper, but still he put “working on” in the space where the introduction, thesis and conclusion is supposed to be. 

“Am I just dumb?” He asks once you take the laptop away, fixing his grammar. 

“No. You know how to convey your points, but you’re just in a rush,” you say, trying to reassure him, changing his sentence. “Here, I’ll fix all your grammar stuff, and you read it over to make sure it makes sense. The conclusion and thesis should be easy to do later.” 

When the bell rings, Jeongguk’s face drops; the two of you hadn’t even had time to work on what he needed help with. You had just barely got done editing the body of his paper. “Oh no.” 

“Jeongguk, we can just work on this after the game.” 

“I really wanted to go to formal though.” Since finals were next week, the school hosts their annual winter formal right after the game. It wasn’t the kind where you dress up and come with dates. It was just ‘show up in whatever you were wearing earlier and come with friends to grind with everyone in a circle. “I heard there’s going to be some spicy drama and I want to watch.” 

“I guess we can work on it before the game. I’ll meet you in the study room by the locker rooms at like 5:30ish,” you say. 

“You’re the best!” He gives you a quick hug. “I better get to class.” 

The two of you meet in the study room in time, working on Jeongguk’s assignment, trying to make him understand how to write an introduction and his thesis. His eyes glistened as he listens to you, making your heart skip a beat. He looks at you like he wanted you, you thought.

“And submit! Thank you, Y/N,” He screams excitedly. You’re happy to see Jeongguk smile, but you shut your eyes for a moment, feeling a headache coming. “Are you okay?”

You nod, but before you could say anything else, a teammate of Jeongguk walks in, telling Jeongguk to get ready for the game. “I’ll see you later at formal?” He asks, standing up, giving you a questionable look, waiting for your answer. His teammate is getting annoyed, telling Jeongguk to hurry up once again, but he stays in the hall, wanting to hear what you were going to say. 

Forcing a smile, you nod in response, and he smiles, finally going to the locker room to get ready for the game. 

He perfectly makes all the goals in the game. He looks for you in the crowd, wanting to see your smile and cheers after each goal he makes, but you’re not there. It’s the first time you’re missing a game, and it hurts. He leads the team to a victory, but with you gone, he feels like it’s his biggest loss. 

“You missed a really good game and a really boring formal,” Sam, Adelaide’s boyfriend, says as you take a seat across from him and Adelaide. Since the start of the hockey season, the three of you made it a tradition to eat at the local taco place downtown after every game. 

“Guk texted me about the game.” You pucker your lower lip out, pouting, grabbing a menu from the middle of the table. “Of course the one time I skip the game to take a nap, they freaking won.” 

“Yeah he was on fire, but too bad it wasn’t like that at formal,” Sam roasts.

“What happened at formal?” The couple looks at each other, knowing how you would react if they tell you. “Tell me.”

“Sydney literally told everyone to dance with her, so she oculd avoid JEongguk but he kept following her like a little lost puppy,” Sam explains. “But at the end, Jeongguk still went to her kickback party thing.

“I don’t get him,” Adelaide says, scanning the menu. “He tries so hard fro you, Y/N. If you’re not happy, he’s not happy, but then he pulls this shit with Sydney. Like make it make sense.” 

“He sees me as his sister,” you enunciate, putting lots of emphasis on the word sister.

“He literally looks at you as if you put the stars in the sky. I don’t think he looks at his own sister in that way,” your friend argues. “His perspective and mind ahs been clouded ever since, and he just doesn’t know.”

Before you could respond, your phone on the table vibrates; Jeongguk’s contact photo pops onto the phone screen: taken after the last football game of your sophomore year, you’re on Jeongguk’s back, throwing your head back, laughing as he smiles into the camera. You remember being so proud of Jeongguk, earning his varsity spot and playing so well despite being a freshman. 

Sliding to answer his call, you put your phone to your ear, and all you hear is music blasting and people screaming. He probably drunk dialed you, so you press the red end call button. 

Right as you hang up, you get a text.

[guk] can u come get me please

Within ten minutes, you park your car a few feet away from Sydney’s house, waiting for your best friend to come out of the house. 

From a distance, you couldn’t even tell if Jeongguk was drunk. As a matter of fact, seeing him walk towards your car makes you want to cry because he looks like the exact same person you first met in driver’s education, the one that looked like he wanted to change the world, the one who put his heart and head into everything he did.

But when Jeongguk stumbles into your car, struggling to put on his seatbelt, your heart drops. If anyone saw him the way he is now, no one would believe that this is the exact same Jeon Jeongguk who broke all those records, the one raised from elite Jeon family. No one would believe that he, out of all people, would fall into the temptations of alcohol and drugs. They would judge him for his actions that didn’t affect anyone but himself. Everyone would be so ashamed of him, when he did nothing wrong; he just did everything to distract the pain from his heart and mind.

Swallowing whatever was in your throat, you reach over to buckle his seatbelt and look at him. "Are you okay?” 

Not wanting to meet your eyes, he puts his right elbow on the window ledge, covering his face into his right hand. Jeongguk couldn’t bear to look at you in the eyes and see the look of disappointment or heartache. He thinks it’s better to close his eyes anyways. Seeing nothing except black wouldn’t make him throw up in the car he knew you desperately loved. “Please, just go.”

“Did you fucking suck on batteries at her house or do you think I’m that stupid to drive when you’re in this state?” In any other situation, the both of you would laugh, and he would response with a joke, matching your tone, but in that moment, the only thing that goes through your mind is Jeongguk’s well being. 

“You’re not stupid,” he speaks so abruptly. “You’re never stupid.”

You continue to stare at him, wondering if he is being serious. “This isn’t about me. What’s wrong?” 

“I feel like you’re the only one in my life that considers my feelings,” he admits in a small voice. He’s tired and about to pass out from everything he consumed from the party, but he tries to stay conscious to talk to you. He wants to talk to you about everything, but he doesn’t know where to start. “Thank you for checking up on me. You always do it, and it means so much.” 

“Guk, talk to me,” you plead using the same quiet tone he used. “What’s on your mind?” 

“Her.” Einstein’s definition of insanity, was doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Although you knew his answer, you just thought that maybe if you had asked him one more time, his answer would change, but it didn’t; you were insane to think it would. “All I can think about is her.” 

The habit of randomly holding and playing with his hand comes back naturally, reaching out to hold his free hand, thumb stroking over his knuckles as you debate with yourself on what to say next. “Why?”

“As dumb as it sounds, I really think she is the one for me.” He sighs quietly, not wanting to admit it out loud. “She has to be the one if she was able to break the barrier I had down.” 

He meant no harm in his words, but they hurt and cut you like a knife stabbed in the back. Jeongguk is your best friend; he’s supposed to feel like he can tell you anything no matter what, but it seems like he didn’t from what he is saying. 

“I hate seeing you hurt, Guk,” you whisper so softly that he could barely hear you. “Is she really worth all this pain?” 

"I know I should just give up, that it’s not worth it, that she’s not worth it. But even with all these dumb mixed signals and her leading me on all the time, I just want this to work.” He lets out a humorless laugh, trying to lighten the mood. “God, I am so fucked up right now.”

“You’re not okay.” 

He sniffles. “I’m so alone.” 

“Why do you think that?” You were now just holding his hand, angling your head, trying to meet Jeongguk’s eyes, but he still buried his face into his hand. 

In a low voice, he says, “Everyone leaves me.” 

Taken back from his comment, you tilt your head at him. “I never left you.”

“Not you.” Finally, he turns his head to you, staring back into your eyes, tears streaming down his face. 

In the past three years you’ve known Jeongguk, you’ve never seen him cry. Of course you’ve seen him be vulnerable with his feelings and have raw emotions, but he never cried, not even when he got surgery and couldn’t do what he loved most for fuck’s sake. You remember that he told you the last time he cried was at his grandfather’s funeral six years ago. 

So when you see him crying silently with tears running down his face in your car, you know he really was at his breaking point, and Sydney had taken a big toll on him. 

“You’re always here for me, and I promise I’ll always be there for you.” A part of you wants to chuckle, because of course, your best friend wants to comfort you when he feels like hell, but you nod and hold his hand tighter.

He squeezes back. “Always.” 

“I’m so sorry.” 

“For what?” 

“I’m not a good son to my parents. I’m not a good brother to my siblings. I’m not a good friend, especially to you. I’m sorry for everything. For being the way I am. For being such a selfish jerk. For hurting and lying to everyone. I’m so sorry.” 

You’re taken back when you hear him say the word you’ve desperately wanted to hear for so long. Sure, Jeongguk made many mistakes in the past three years, but he never really apologized to anyone. He’s the type of person who would nod to acknowledge he was wrong, or he would just shrug, and change the topic to keep his pride. He would say everything, but the word, sorry. 

But even after everything, you didn’t know what to say, because how were you supposed to tell him that even after everything, even when he’s a new person, even when he still has feelings for someone else, even when he is a selfish jerk sometimes, even when he breaks your heart, you will always pick him.

It will always be him. 

______

“I promise I’ll see you right after the game, so we can get our last baseball picture together.” Jeongguk pinky promises you and seals it with his thumb before he goes to the dugout to get ready and warm up for the game. 

But after the game, he talks to Sydney for a bit and then head in the direction of his car, getting ready to go home and rest. He completely breaks your promise, and it breaks your heart. 

You cried all the way home.

It wasn’t until after midnight where he suddenly remembers, and he’s leaning against your balcony door, quietly knocking as he tries to get your attention as you ignored all his texts, calls and voicemails. “Talk to me.”

Eventually, you get up to open the balcony door. Jeongguk comes in and awkwardly stands by the door as you sit back down on your bed, looking down at your hands.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N.” He’s never seen you so sad with red puffy eyes before. “How do I make it up to you?” 

"Guk, I can’t do this anymore,” you whisper.

“Do what?” 

“I have this feeling that if I stopped talking to you, you would move on in life while I’ll be hurt, because I’m the one that’d be losing you.”

“You know that’s not true,” he denies. “You know I would be lost without you.”

“Do I?” You ask, finally meeting his eyes, and he wants to fall apart. Your eyes always shine, but when he looks at them, it was like a star had died. “One minute you care, and then the next, I’m being blown off because you rather get high than spend time with me.” 

“Y/N.” For the first time, you didn’t like how he said your name. The way his tone was coming off as a warning. He knew what was coming, but he was in no way prepared for it. He hopes the conversation ends all here, because he knows if it doesn’t, everything will end here.

It all hurts.

“I asked you that one night what did you really think of me, and you never answered, and I still don’t know. How do you feel about me, Jeongguk? Please tell me.” 

Jeongguk fucked up. He really did. 

His heart breaks when he hears your voice crack all over the place. He just wants to wrap his arms around you, tell you that everything is okay, that he feels that same, but he couldn’t. The two of you are staring at each other, water both filling both your eyes. “You’re my best friend, you know that.” 

You shake your head, peeling your eyes away from his. “I don’t think I can be just friends anymore.” The word comes out so awkwardly and unnatural, because you don’t even know if you were friends or when you had stopped being friends with Jeongguk.

“Give me time, and I can make this right.” You thought he was going to fight for you, for your friendship, but he doesn’t. “I will make it right one day..I just want you to talk to me again when you’re ready.”

After everything, there were so many times where you knew, he felt what you were feeling too, and it was hell to know it. But despite that, you had to find someone else to feel this way about. 

______

Skipping graduation, you quickly accept an offer to study abroad, leaving everything you know to pursue your dream of traveling to new places and meeting new people after your confession to Jeongguk. 

There were numerous times where your thoughts sometimes drift to Jeongguk, wondering what he’s up to, wondering where’s applying for school, what he’s thinking about, but you don’t let those thoughts simmer in your mind for too long. As much as you wanted to know, you know that missing him was doing more harm. You want to move on and be happy on your own, finally not longing for someone that was no longer in your life.

It isn’t until a year later, you come back home for the summer, wanting to see all your friends and family again. 

“My baby!” Adelaide screams, wrapping her arms around you, practically squeezing the life out of you. “You’re finally back home.” 

Now finally legal to drink, Adelaide decides to throw a kickback the weekend her parents are gone, inviting most of her local college friends and some of her childhood friends.

“Were you waiting for me?” You tease, chuckling, hugging her back. “I missed you so much.”

“Do you want something to drink?” Not even giving you a second to respond, she passes a red cup filled with some liquor to you. She bumps it to hers, toasting. “Drink!”

Instead, you get a feeling in your gut, telling you to search around your house. Your eyes wander around the room, meeting a pair of eyes that screamed “I’m going to change your life.” You want to laugh because even after all this time, your eyes still find his, and you still feel the same. All your worries disappear just by looking at him. 

How is it possible that you still feel this way when he broke your heart?

It’s your first time seeing him in a year, and it still hurts. 

His lips part, but he presses them together quickly, not saying a word. He sighs, running his hand through his brown hair, not knowing if he should go over and talk to you. He doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable if he goes up to you, but he doesn’t want you to make the first move. 

But you do it anyway. 

Taking the opportunity, you motion him to go to the backyard where the two of you could have a private conversation on one of Adelaide’s bench. He takes a seat next to you, leaving some space. 

“You look good,” he says so nonchalantly. And he means it. “You look so happy.” And he’s in awe. 

“Thanks.” His heart stings a bit when you refuse to look at him and continue to stare at your hands in your lap. It’s his first time seeing you like this, so apathetic and cold, but he knows he deserves it.

“How have you been?” His voice is still as soft as you remember. 

Annoyed, you shake your head, not liking how he was acting like nothing has changed, as if you haven’t talked in a year, as if everything is perfectly okay. “Let’s cut the crap, what do you want from me?” 

He chuckles lightly, angling his head to look at you. “You still haven’t changed.” 

"Don’t waste my time,” you caution him. “I’m giving you a chance, so you use it wisely.”

“I missed you.” The way he says it so easily,  like it is true, makes you get up from the bench, walking away from him. Three steps forward, and he makes you stop dead in your track when he says, “I should have told you I loved you that night.” 

Even though he doesn’t tell you what night, you know what night he was referring to: the night you told him you loved him on your balcony. 

“I should have told you, and it’s killed me everyday since then.” He’s using the same tone he did when you picked him up from Sydney's. The only difference this time is he isn’t drunk. He’s completely sober and genuinely means everything he says.

“You can’t walk back into my life and suddenly realize you have feelings for me when I should hate you after everything.” Although your back was facing him, he knows you’re trying really hard not to cry. “You can’t.” 

“I didn’t suddenly realize after everything,” he speaks so fast that his words are barely tangible. “I knew I loved you then, and I still love you now.” 

“If you loved me then, you wouldn’t have thrown me away like I meant nothing. All this time I had to wonder what I did wrong for you to do that to me.”

"You didn’t do anything wrong..I wanted you so much, but I couldn’t say it back that day because it wasn’t fair for the both of us. I know it hurt being my friend, seeing me be a mess, getting drunk and high everyday, but it hurt being yours too.” 

So many thoughts and questions wander through your head. Did he rehearse this everyday? Did he know all this time, or did he use this whole year, figuring out his feelings and how to put them into words?

“At my worst, you still looked at me, supported me and loved me. Despite all my flaws, you saw past it and saw the potential I had even after everything. But it tore me apart because you didn’t deserve that and I wanted to be the person you truly wanted and deserve, not someone you took pity on.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” You ask in a small voice. “Did I not deserve to know the truth? Was it worth hurting me? In the end, if that’s how you really felt, you wouldn’t have wanted us to be where we are at now.” 

“I didn’t tell you because I wanted to be the better version of myself, and I am so sorry that it took me so long to finally get there.. I’m sorry that in this process, I’ve hurt you. I just thought that maybe, if I pulled myself away from you, I could get over you, but god, it hurt me and hurt me even more when you let me pull away.”

You couldn’t help, but to finally talk back. “I pulled away because I wanted you to be happy, to make your own choices, but some of them stopped involving me.”

“I know, and that is completely my fault,” he rushes to say. “I just thought that if I convinced myself to like someone else, you would finally get someone you truly deserved, but at the end of the day, I still belonged to you.” 

“Is that it?”

“I told you that night, to talk to me when you’re ready, and I still mean it.”

In a low voice, you ask, “And if I’m never ready?” 

“That’s okay.” But it all hurts for him to think that this might be the last time he’ll ever talk to you. “But know that I would wait a lifetime for you, because in the end, it will always be you.” 

_______

“He said that?” It’s been a couple weeks since the party, and you finally tell Adelaide the whole story between you and Jeongguk. Since then, he’s all you had been thinking about, and you want it to stop. “Wow.”

“Yeah,” you agree, wanting to cry. “When he told me, he wanted me back, I thought I could never handle that, and I still don’t.”

“I honestly don’t know what to tell you,” she confesses. “Because as much as I wanted the two of you together, you without him, is the happiest I’ve ever seen you. And I hate for that to just disappear over a guy who finally is ready for you when he should have been ready a long time ago.” 

“I know.”

And you do. 

You’ve learned that you couldn’t make Jeongguk be ready for what you were ready for, and at the same time, you weren’t obligated to wait around for him to make up his mind.

“I didn’t deserve what he put me through.”

“But now that he’s better, you don’t want to ever miss the opportunity to finally have him.” Adelaide understands you perfectly. “You still like him, right?”

“I don’t know,” you say. “Every time I thought about him, I always distracted myself, so I wouldn’t. Over time, I just stopped thinking about him to finally move on.”

“Just like what happened, time will tell.” 

_______

Then for the new few days, you feel a feeling in your heart, wanting to go somewhere. The problem is you didn’t exactly know where to go, so you end up spending almost hundred dollars worth of gas, driving circles and rectangles around your small hometown, polluting the earth, trying to figure out where you want to go. 

You’re so angry that you want to give up and scream so loud, so you can finally release all the stress out of your system. 

Luckily for you, you know a place where you could do that. 

Heading in the baseball dugout, you get startled when you see Jeongguk sitting on the ground, eating a peanut butter sandwich with a bunch of empty tupperware and empty gummy worm bags all around him. “Y/N?”

Just by looking at him, you should hate him and resent him for everything he put you through, but you don’t. Instead, you look feel like you’re at home, in peace where no one could ever hurt you.

“I’m ready.” With a mouthful of bread in his mouth, he gives you a look, asking if you were sure. “I’m ready.

He gets up abruptly, knocking the tupperware near him into a distance, making you laugh, wanting this for the rest of your life.

“I love you.” Jeongguk takes a step forward, and another, closing the space between you. “Let me prove it to you that I’ll love you forever, right this time.”

“I know you will, Guk.”

______

based on the cliches of my life, the what ifs and what should have been, all my raw feelings - i hope i can finally let you go now // i did post this earlier, deleting it and now republished it without looking through the errors 

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