I Get That People Are Trying To Be Helpful By Being All You Can Change It Just Takes Work But Like I Have My Whole Life And Nothing Has - Tumblr Posts

I get that people are trying to be helpful by being all ‘you can change it just takes work’ but like I have my whole life and nothing has like I appreciate it but what the hell am I actually doing wrong I want to do things I really do especially when I know that not doing them is having horrible consequences and upsetting people but I literally can’t. I’ve tried. I’ve tried work arounds. if for whatever reason there’s just not enough energy to do it it can’t be done I can only get myself to do most things out of fear and that only works if the consequences are immediate if concequences are gradual it’s time to sit around in internal panic because I’m stuck in waiting for a deadline mode but there isn’t one getting to be able to post something is uncommon and one of the only things I can do when I’m having a good day because it’s low effort I know I am entirely structured on lessening the blow of effort and stress as much as possible cause I was burnt out and overworked as a kid I practically react to any possibility of disappointment with immediate disociation and ignoring and I can’t stop doing that I stress myself out to the point of burnt out just thinking about general things I should do today sometimes I’m even doing the trick of thinking ‘when are we going to do X’ and saying it nice to myself! hasn’t worked I’ve tried planing out whole days in advance and it doesn’t work because of things happening outside of my control messing with the schedule or my dumbass just forgets the list I wrote 💀💀💀💀💀 I’ve tried being like ‘ok we can only do Y today if we do X’ and that just results in not doing either things all day 💀 the only thing I’ve found that gets me to do things immediately is immediate threat and fear and that’s not healthy! At all! I shouldn’t have to be terrified into being able to draw or talk to friends or play a game!!!!!! it doesn’t help that I’m already constantly mildly paranoid of failure all the time a lot of what I want to do has HIGH consequences if you fail. I’m not super well off and the economy sucks I also never know when something is going to happen and I’ll have to drop everything I’m doing and go help with something or leave the house like my daily routine is basically: 1. I need to talk to friends today but for some reason the executives are not functioning and it’s already lunch now shit shit shit 2. oh no I have to do X today I can’t talk to them while I’m doing X I’ll try again afterwards hopefully this will work 3. I am so mentally exhausted from doing X that I now cannot do much of anything but low effort scrolling and trying to recharge oh no 4. fuck it’s now 3AM in their time zone and I can’t talk to them I have wasted my whole day and they probably think I don’t care about them repeat repeat repeat along with a couple days where nothing happens but executive dysfunction or waiting to be expected to do something I swear school broke me so fucking bad man it was absolute hell but I can’t function without it at all fear is all that works and I hate it fear being different than general guilt and anxiety cause those aren’t as immediate and concrete help I hate having shitty object permanence reblogs vent post