Idk Whether Or Not To Put Tw On Here - Tumblr Posts

Okay I'm gonna rant about friendships and romantic relationships and shit to keep myself from crying while making ramen on the stove

Why do I feel so...threatened when one of my friends has a romantic relationship? The second I hear that one of my friends has a SO I immediately want to punch them. I got no fucking idea why, the thought of it just makes me so mad. And I can't talk to anyone about this cuz most of my friends are in relationships and I don't get to speak with my school counselor until God knows when.

I don't think it's some sort of abandonment issue? I think it might be a "I have a really hard time making relationships" issue? Being both autistic and a military kid does wonders for having friendships. I've never had friendships that last more than a year and now that I have those, I don't want them to leave. I can't stand the thought of them leaving.

I feel like I'm drifting away from my best friend who lives in Virginia because she has a boyfriend now, and even though we don't talk as much as we used to since we're both in college and have jobs and stuff, I feel like I can't talk to her the way I used to. We had this RP that we did for years but she broke that off when I got to college, but even so we could still talk about our characters and it made me so happy. That's the main thing that makes me happy, thinking and talking about fictional characters that I made and that I love and that I see myself in. And I can't lead any conversation with that anymore because it feels like she's either uninterested or she doesn't answer until I say something else.

I can't talk to two of my friends when they're together because they're dating, and more than once I've been alone with the two of them and I want nothing more than to leave. As soon as one of them comes over and starts acting all cute and stuff, I want to hurt them and then run away. I have not and will never do that, but the thought is so prevalent. I can't...I can't be around my friends in romantic relationships, and it's so shitty. I hate it so much.

I don't know if I even want a romantic relationship myself. The idea of it is good, but the thought of actually opening myself to that is disgusting. Why can't I let others enjoy themselves? Why can't I let others be happy?

Ugh, I don't have the energy to keep talking about this...if you read down here, thanks for listening to my shit lol