Im Fine Im Fine Im Fine - Tumblr Posts
darkness has never been suffocating. nights were soothing, a time to escape: to get lost in the stars — to dream. even under the mountain, when amarantha finally found sleep & he had no sky to gaze up at, no stardust to wish upon. it was still the only moment of peace he had gotten. the only moments he had to himself, where he could allow himself to think of velaris. dream of his family so vividly that waking up was a cruel, crushing reality.
but since his return, those dreams had become terrors. plagued by her touch, haunted by every terrible thing he had witnessed. every innocent mind he clawed into at her demand, yelling at him ... begging him for mercy. sleep has been a prison, the comfort of darkness has been stolen. it only buries him back down under that mountain, desperate to escape.
has he escaped? his mind says no, no he hasn't. even as he thrashes in his sheets, tendrils of shadows wrapping around his body, filling the room. he will never be free. even as cassians thoughts filter into his own, slowly anchoring him, he can still feel the absence of his family. he will never escape.
his power lashes out, desperate to leave the mountain, to free himself of her. but cassian finally brings him back to reality, back to velaris. home. the breeze filled with sea salt centering him, the clouds of darkness that once consumed the room retracting. eyelids fluttering open, his gaze frantically searches his surroundings. his city is still standing. his family is alive. each confirmation slows his racing heart, his breath steadying.
yet, he's too shamed to look at cassian, stiffening at his touch. the general, who has now seen how low his high lord has fallen. his friend, that was abandoned, left guessing. he knows cassians guilt, the guilt that he put on all of his family when he decided to leave, for their safety. it leaves him wanting to pull away & pretend that everything is fine, to protect them from knowing what exactly he went through.
only in this moment, there is no hiding. for once, rhysand cannot find words fast enough. any excuse, any attempt of brushing it all off, caught in his throat. only a silent confession, his gaze cast downward.
though his response provides him some relief. grateful it was cass that found him, thankful for the ease in which he plays it off for rhysand. it's then that he allows himself to soften his edges, leaning into the warmth of cassians touch. ( wonders if it'll ever stop feeling foreign, to be loved. )
a small nod, violet eyes finally flickering to meet brown ones. he sheds any lingering sadness, covers it with an expertly crafted facade, as lips twist into a smile. " i think something stronger may be necessary. " wings fold inward, knocking his shoulder against the others. " don't tell me that you broke into my wine collection while i was away. "
❛ i felt your absence. ❜ // @rhysie
cassian knows his place. he isn’t the first one rhysand runs to when problems arise. amren solves those. when he needs advice, morrigan has answers. when there are enemies at hand, azriel always knows the right course. he doesn’t devalue his role or place in the court. he just simply, accepts it. a general only has a place when there are wars, and when the others excel at their jobs - generals are often left without wars and armies.
but the past fifty years — the past fifty years his best friend was gone. the boy who’d become a man, who’d lost a sister and mother, gained a kingdom, become a highlord. he was gone. and he’d done it for them. and cassian was terrified.
rhysands return had been marked first by morrigan, then azriel, then amren. but it was cassian who was there the first night when horrors in his friends mind threw him from the bed. he’d been there first when he’d heard it - wrapped in scales of darkness with wings flaring as rhysand had struggled against the monsters in his mind. cassian waited.
projecting his thoughts as loudly as he could. forcing his will to the tendrils of rhysand’s power until they’d accepted his reality, the cold wind from the open windows, the crackling fire in the fireplace, the starlight that caught in his curls and cast shadows against rhysands skin. he’d been there when violet eyes had finally opened to ground him to reality. but he hadn’t touched him. not yet.
he’d sat with him. on the floor. in silence. wings tucked against his back to ensure the cool breeze that brought the sounds of the city rhysand saved to their ears were never blocked. he’d kept quiet, waiting until he could hear the steadiness of his friends heartbeat. until their breathing found the same rhythm and pattern.
and then, he’d leaned across the space between them. his forehead resting on rhysands bared shoulder. the easy submission offered from one of the greatest illyrians ever born, the soft hum as he’s allowed that touch, that connection. the smile that pulls on his lips when rhysand speaks.
‘ i won’t tell anyone if you won’t — ‘
the teasing words are gentle, barely above a whisper. and cassian scoots a little closer. his wing just brushing against rhysands. a soft noise in the back of his throat as he dips his head further, nuzzling at the shoulder he’s allowed. desparate always for connection, needing the presence of touch to ground himself. offering it to the one person whose always been the unwavering fortress.
‘ just our secret. can’t let them think you missed me. ‘
he raises to meet rhysands gaze, the corners of his mouth pulled in a grin. generals might be lost without armies. but cassian had been lost without rhysand. without the friend he’d had since he could fend for himself. without the northern star on which to orient himself. but this? tonight? right now? this wasn’t about his needs.
‘ we could raid the kitchen. azriel’s out with the twins. no one will see if i make you one of those spiced teas, yknow the ones with cocoa in them? ‘
Me listing to Hawaii part II/videos covering it while running on 5 hours of sleep:
