Im Not Tagging It To His Fic Tags Bc I Dont Wanna Spring It On People Even With Twa - Tumblr Posts
man. idk. (tw topics below: disordered eating)
i’ve been struggling to eat this week. mentally it’s just a block in my head. my family has always judged me for my eating habits and patterns, which has led to my past and currently relapsing eating disorders. i can eat whatever i find in the morning that my stomach can handle while everyone is still asleep and not watching me. but i don’t bring a lunch to work. if they’re offering free food there i take it but i don’t ever spend money on myself. i can’t rationalize it when it’s my own fucked up head that’s putting me in this position. i won’t spend money as some kind of easy break. and when i get home from work? unless there’s something that makes me have an appetite made i don’t want to eat. and dinner is always ready so late, and eating late makes my stomach hurt. and someone is always propped up in the dining room and i feel too crowded to make anything i would want to eat myself. and if my mom sees me making something even remotely unhealthy she HAS to make a comment about it. and then i don’t want to eat at all.
i wanna just picture bradley noticing i haven’t been taking lunches with me, or that i head right up to sleep as soon as i’m home, even if it’s only 5 pm. i want him to sit beside me and rub my back. maybe he can feel a little less weight on me than he is used to, and that makes him all the more worried. “what’s going on, baby?”
and maybe i crack and tell him. how my mentality is swallowing me whole. how i’m both too anxious to do anything for myself and also feeling like i don’t deserve to be cared for by anyone. and that i shouldn’t dare to burden another soul with my issues because they are my fault. it’s my fault i feel this way. it’s my fault i’m so broken and worthless.
and he just lays down to bring me into his arms and hold me. he tells me all the things he finds wonderful about me and that i do deserve to be cared for both by myself and by others. that my issues are not a burden to those who love me. that they, he wants to help however he can.
he asks me what i want to eat. anything i want, he will make it or order in. but i don’t want him anywhere besides wrapped around me. maybe something comes into my head that i would love to indulge in. maybe nothing does, and he gently assures me that he’ll order a few options for me to pick at.
and bradley sits with me in his lap as i try and eat, in either case. he’s got a show for us on so that his focus seems diluted from me. but he’s watching me intently as i nibble at the delivery. he rubs along my waist and gives me affirming kisses to my cheek. he’s so encouraging i’m misty eyed. but he wipes at my tears and coos at me.
“it’s okay.”
“i love you.”
“i’m so proud of you.”
“i’m here for you every step of the way.”
i’m full before i’d normally be: my stomach has shrunken with my appetite. but he is proud nonetheless that i satiated myself. bradley puts leftovers ready to go in a container for work the next day. he cuddles with me in bed, continuing to reassure me as long as i need. i’m not alone. someone cares. someone will always care.