Venting - Tumblr Posts

it all feels empty and hopeless, im fighting with myself and it's a hassle and it just gives me a a sense of false security that it will be worth but deep down I know its not.

Am i weird for not liking makeup?

Little context here: it's not that i don't like it... it's that i don't like to do it every day!

I like fashion for sure but i prefer most of the time wearing a t-shirt with a sport short. And if it's a bit cold outside i put a hoodie on.

You probably wondering "i'm like this too, girl you are not special." And i agree.

But when the people around you expect you to be more 🌸feminine🌸 it's kinda hard to not try to fit in.

I see very pretty women everyday who have their makeup done with pretty outfit.

And i feel like i'm not girly, elegant or feminine enough, kinda like wearing makeup everyday makes you more lady-like

I try to talk to my mother about it and she always answer "boys prefer feminin woman if you are not, well you will be left behind" or something like that. Thanks mom for telling me that i'm not pretty enough for a guy to fell in love with me.

At fifteen y/o the others use to called me a baby and now at nineteen i have a full makeup bag that i never use. Is it seriously that bad to not fit in?

I know this is dumb but if someone who've been through the same things, let me know please, i want to know your opinion.

Tw: suicide

Fuck this. I love my friends so much, I really do and I want to help them but I am also just a human??

I talked out so many of my friends. So many of them are alive right now because I could put my own stuff aside for a few hours.

The last 5 days, I stayed up nearly every night all night because one of my friends just won't stop trying to kill himself.

Either do it or go into the fucking ward again??

Just stop it please??

Stop ignoring the advice you asked for? What the fuck? I've been triggered so many times in the past few days because I constantly hear

Oh yeah, I took 8 pills today and feel dizzy as fuck.

Oh yeah, I took pills and drank so much alcohol.

Oh yeah, I'm gonna jump off a bridge now.

Oh yeah, I'll cut open my veins and bleed out.

Okay, fuck this. I JUST DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORW.

I am sorry, I'm just trying to survive myself.

not at all okay!!! When the hell is my prozac gonna work it's been like a week almost (I'm impatient as all hell </3)

n like yeah ik this sounds like smth one of em alpha podcast sigma grindset male posts but I've been getting bullied for being ND and every server ignores me as I struggle to be part of conversations; either because people talk about something I know nothing in, or because I am second-guessing what other people mean and how they will interpret my words. Like yeah sure go ahead and call me slurs and treat my sensory issues as a joke I'm sure it's gonna end well for everyone involved.

let’s talk about did because I’m pissed off.

• Alters are real and aren’t just personalities.

• Every alters feelings are valid.

• A PERSECUTER IS NOT A VILLAIN AND HAVE VALID FEELINGS TOO.

• People with DID still having feelings and are people

• Having littles is not a fucking kink.

• Fictives aren’t JUST a video game character or a person from a show, they are also people, like you and me. TREAT THEM AS SUCH.

• No alter has to tell you anything.

• Littles aren’t full on babies and toddlers and don’t need your sight of hand with EVERY SINGLE STEP.

• Just because you have imaginary friends doesn’t mean you have DID.

This is speaking for my system, and from my system.

VENTING ON VACCINES

Gosh I hate how easily people refrain from compliments when they see you succeed. It’s honestly disheartening… to show people you trust something you made/let them in on you accomplishment and they look with numb eyes and force out some bland words of approval or praise but every single one is laced with this shadow of *I could do it too* or *Don’t march ahead of me when I’m still stuck with the thing I’m doing that I don’t enjoy*…

Like why are we so afraid of others’ happiness? Why does it so often make us bitter and egotistical instead of inspiring us?…

Just something I’ve been struggling lately. Have a safe night everyone

vent because i need to let it out HELPPPPPO

i love writing sometimes and getting asks is nice but i have like 7 or 8 fucjinf drafts and most i have like one sentence on?? i don’t understand why i barely get any attention every write for all the stress it puts me through sometimes. i don’t know why i have so many now i usually get like 3 and that’s when it’s fun but now i just have so fucking many. i don’t know why i’m so fucking stressed and unmotivated about writing. IM SO UPSET RN BUT MAYBE ITS JUSR ALMOST 1 AM AND I NEED TO SLEEP. i love writing for fans if you wanna call them that and followers and i’ll thank almost every one of them but oh my GOD this is like an unreasonable amount of asks for a fandom with like FIFTEEN FUCKING PEOPLE!!! I WANNA STOP BUT J ALSO DONT BECAUSE ITE FUN AND I LOVE MAKING OEOOLE HAPPY BUT I ALSO WANNA STOP AS I JUST SAID BECAUSE ITS STTEESSING ME OUT FOR SONMANT REASONS WHAG DONI DOOOOOObb. anyway i just.. like why do i get 3 fucking notes sometimes. just sometimes. like i know my writings shit i know and my shit has become shorter and more boring (because i’m stressed as fuck and running out of ideas) but like DAMN does this shit stress me out. why do i do so much to even a little bit i get nothing to little for it?? this isn’t even just about writing it’s about life in general like why??? i sound annoying asf rn i know but like jesus christ man why does everyone and everything suck so bad

i need to vent because i feel like SHIIT anyway tw for suicide + self harm + insecurity

i don’t feel like my looks are good enough. i’ve been more and more insecure about myself especially my face. i don’t get as much attention as other girls do for their looks, it’s only rare compliments from only a few friends. i feel so fucking ugly. nobody ever tells me i’m beautiful/pretty/whatever unless i say it first or if they’re just hyping me up on a video where nobody else will say it. sometimes i get so insecure about my face i feel disgusted by my own shadow and avoid mirrors. i want attention. i want attention for my looks. i want people to call me pretty and compliment me and stuff. i never fit in at school and i really think it’s because of the way i look. all my life every other girl has been so much more beautiful than me. as insecure as i am, i’m not THAT ugly but everyone acts like i’m invisible or am that ugly. maybe i’m just delusional and i’m not as okay looking as i think. i feel ugly. i’m ugly. if i post one of those stupid tiktok’s where i lip sync like other girls do i don’t get complements outside of a tiny amount friends who are probably just over exaggerating their words and only a few likes while prettier girls get so much more. i’m ugly even with makeup. something is wrong with my face or something. is the rest of me even as attractive as i thought? which isn’t even that much. i thought i was at least a little pretty, but apparently not with the way everyone treats me. i just want to be loved. i want people to think i’m beautiful. anyway sort of related topic but another vent!! i’m so lonely. i need attention so bad i am insanely deprived of love and positive attention as i have been my entire life. if i could tell my little self how i would be now, how much she would suffer as she aged i think she would kill herself. i wish i could get the strength to do it. i just want everything to stop, i want to be at peace. i don’t wanna keep suffering. i’ve been suicidal for 11 or 10 years, since i was 8 or 9, that’s when i remember my earliest suicidal thought. before i even hit double digits. i don’t know why i just won’t do it already. i’ve been self harming since i was 11 or 10, i’ve gotten something sharper and my scars are much more visible. i don’t know what to do. i’ve been on meds for mental health since i was like 12 or 11 and i still feel terrible. i want to die. i want to kill myself but i’m too scared of death. sometimes i contemplate writing a suicide note and telling people how i really feel about them, how much i like them or i hate them. i know i’d hurt so badly so many people but it’s too much to take. i don’t wanna keep doing this. i wanna die.

Hey, I understand some of what you're going through, I also feel like an outcast and a burden and in some ways i am. And I'm sorry. I'm really sorry you have to go through this. I NEVER fucking say this enough to you but you're a fucking amazing and talented person. I LOVE talking to you! I love seeing your posts and I'm just happy you're my friend! And honestly you've been a really big inspiration for me and I really can't thank you enough.

I hate this and don't know where else to say it but I am so tired of feeling like an outcast. In real life I don't even feel like I belong in my own home. Online anytime I join a sever I just feel like a burden and anytime I feel part of something the severs die or get delated. I hate it so much, I hate feeling ignored maybe that's it and I don't feel noticed or cared for in most places.

sorry for the vent, I don't want to make a habit of it since you guys deal with enough without my complaining

Literally me today. I'm incredibly sensitive and feel alone going through this time in my life. This mental health stuff ain't for the birds.

What is life?

In life we face struggles, we face hardships and get rewarded for those with happiness, love and acceptance. Now strip away love and acceptance and what you are left with is temporary happiness. My life lately have involved dealing with sitting on the sidelines of my own life, watching others have love, have the acceptance that I want for myself. I've been the "relationship doctor" fir my friends with their relationships while I have none. My "friends" only see me when they need something from me, but when I need them, they disappear like everyone else in my life. It has left me afraid of being loved and let my defences down as everybody leaves me when I need them the most. Nobody sees the pain, my suffering, my cries for help because I hide it from everyone... I don't want to be a burden for anyone because as soon as I need something, they leave... I have on several occasions wanted to take my own life, but I haven't been able to do it.. as I know I will be alone, nobody would mourn me,nobody would care... Breaking down in tears like I am currently, it feels like I am weak, that I am nothing, I am not worth it... I am destined to walk alone,I am destined to be alone. This makes me feel like I have failed in life and moving away have thought me about one thing: life is worth living when you live for yourself. The scars I bear shows what I have been fighting. I am a fighter, a jaguar but I am also so alone. In the end life is a lonely existence and I just want to be loved

Just need to vent

I hate how I the single guy who is struggling so hard to find someone has to play relationship doctor... I hate that I have to be strong for my friends while being broken into a million pieces... I hate that I have to be happy go lucky when I am drowning in loneliness... I hate that I have to be there might and day for others while knowing nobody has my back... I hate that because of all this I am alone, untrusting and lonely... I wish it would change but I care too much of others and not enough about myself... I am in need of a rescue from myself, from the world... I want to fall in love, do stupid couple things, with a man I am attracted to, not be the last choice for them and the first choice for somebody I ain't attracted to... I just want to be me, to be enough... to be the one thing somebody would love... I just want to be loved for me

13 May 2022

My dog died 2 days ago and I’m still heartbroken.

Honestly, it feels so surreal knowing that I’m never going to see her again. 

I’ll never hear her barking at the birds whenever they’re hanging out on the lawn or at whatever neighbor’s cat that’s strolling along our fence.

When I step inside my house, I’m never going to see her rushing over to greet me. 

I’m never going to be able to take her on walks again.

Or pet her.

Or see her lie down by my feet in my room, while I’m watching tv or playing video games or doing homework.

I’m never going to be able to take her hiking like I had always wanted to, but never found the time to (now I’m really wish I had...)

It probably seems silly to some people to be feeling so emotional over a dog, but she wasn’t just a dog. She was basically family. She joined my family when when she was just a few weeks old. We basically raised her and I had some milestone years with her as well. To top it all off, she was going to turn 11 years old this month...

I know bigger dogs don’t live as long as smaller dogs, but I was really hoping I had at least a couple more years with her. With me moving back to my family home, since I graduate soon, I was looking forward to being home more often. Instead of having to go back and forth between two cities because of work and school.

I feel so bad because I feel like I didn’t have enough time with her. Like I said, the past few years, I was not consistently with her because of work and school. 

Now she’s gone and I’m never going to get that lost time back.

Red Words

the night begins after the play

the love of my life only inches away

but then i look down and it all fades to grey

too small for others to see

a small reminder just for me

that i am only meant to bleed

A taste of iron and salt and lead

the viscous words lettered in red

i look for meaning in as i bled

new words form as i carve across

new meanings shimmer through like gloss

but if i told her, she’d feel such loss

i know i should not but why pretend

i know if i stopped i’d just start again

so i’ll just keep carving till i reach the end

skin to flesh, meat to bone

against myself this blade i hone

that warmest pain may be my own

my flesh and bone already torn

my heart has been forever worn

now all i seem to feel is forlorn

i look away, theres nothing to see

show skin to keep suspicions from me

this must be how it’s meant to be

Some drawings I did last week, trying to get the hang of environments because one does not survive solely on drawing characters and fan-art right? They’re from personal projects, so please if you like the idea of them and feel like using their general feel in any story you have, at least change it a bit please. (Am I sounding arrogant? It’s not my intention.) I haven’t been posting much, University is kinda getting heavy (happens every semester) plus I’m going through another of those insecurity phases. You know when you see a very talented artist and then spend the whole month thinking your drawing sucks and you’ll never achieve your dreams? Yeah, I’m going through that again.  But no biggie, gimme some time and I’ll be up to snuff again I hope, it used to happen all the time so this is progress, I believe. (But seriously how much time does those people spend practicing? I draw a little every single day, took classes, did tutorials, and still... ugh, I’ll just shut up and try to stop thinking about it.)

okay my first lil rant

everything is so confusing. cuz like for the longest time i just thought i was a late bloomer bc i was for other things like my period. and then i finally got my first crush and didn't realize it until 6 months after it faded. ive pressured myself into at least 2 more crushes, if not the others as well. my friends try to talk about guys and i just feel so uncomfortable bc i can't really relate and i tell them "oh i don't get crushes that often" (which is true) and they're usually just like "huh" and just. sorta. leave me out of the rest of it

but then ive also got a friend that didn't get what i meant by that and was like "okay if someone cute passed you in the store, what would they look like" and i was like "i don't notice that usually. they're just another person to me" and she was like "what?" bc she's got the opposite problem as me and she tried to understand me better and we talked a lil bit more about it but it just. made me an anxious ball of stress.

like why do i care so much that she was asking when she was (mostly) empathetic. why do i get nervous when people try to help me talk out this stuff. i was so relived to find about asexuality years ago and that it felt right but i still haven't even said "im ace" outloud to myself. why is it so complicated that i felt the need to make a vent blog about it

just. life is confusing. i know im ace but im still figuring out the specifics on it. agh.

A very very pessimistic rant

6/1/24: "And who are you, Victoria Spring? I can’t think of anything to say because that is what my answer would be really. Nothing. I am a vacuum. I am a void. I am nothing." - Alice Oseman

I wish I had anything interesting about my life. Literally everybody is part of some sort of community (fandoms, pride, social groups,etc) and I don't have anything similar. I wish had an excuse for this, but I really really don't, I can socialize with people fairly easily, but I have one friend. So my second option is to join a fanbase but I'm not nearly interested enough in anything currently going on. Anything I am invested in has a dead community. So my third option is to connect to people who are trans, but fucking NOBODY is trans and I cant connect with people online because only the trans people who are happy and successful seem to be online. I don't think other people see the world the same way I do.

I wish I was part something it doesn't even have to be bigger than myself. Literally just a genuine connection or shared a genuine appreciation with someone.

Its not even that the connections I have are bad, its just not enough.

Love you, poet

Just A Shitty Day

6/2/24:“There’s a time and a place for being normal. For most people, normal is a default. But for some, like you and me, normal is something we have to bring out, like putting on a suit for a posh dinner.”- Alice Oseman

I had no motivation to do anything today. I didn't even watch T.V I literally did nothing today, I wanted to write a short story but I couldn't find my laptop. It would have been somewhat bearable if I slept or just scrolled all day, but I just didn't do anything.

Radio Silence folks.

Love you,

poet

i feel like i am cursed. nobody will ever love me enough. no matter how much effort i put into the relationship. my emotions are too much for them. nobody wants to deal with that shit. but you know who else doesnt want to deal with those feelings? ME. i am so fucking tired of my head and people leaving does not help. i swear i am trying my best but you keep making everything worse get out of my head please.