Its Also Shittily Written So Ignore That - Tumblr Posts

I used to think I deserved it. I don’t think that anymore but sometimes I think back to those days and grin. Because there’s nothing more thrilling than barely surviving in your own mind as you fight for the right to live- to eat and to breathe - against your family. Parents arguing. Siblings fighting. I would just sit and stare at it all. I’d grin sometimes.

It’s funny really.

I learned at age 4 that people die. I learned that you don’t come back from death. And then I learned that life ain’t kind. That if I want something I’m more likely to have to steal it than be given it. I learned to be rude and aggressive and manic if I wanted to even survive in my own home. Yet they still ask me what the fuck is wrong with me? THEY DID THIS. They made me believe I had to hurt to live. They made me think like this. Sometimes though the only thing keeping me from putting a knife to my throat or cutting off my hands is the pain I already feel. The migraines (they are migraines. Just because hers aren’t the same doesn’t mean they aren’t migraines), the feeling of being impaled- skewered right through the sternum.

Is it ironic the only reason I feel alive is the pain of death? Maybe. But it’s the only thing keeping me sane at this point. So I’ll make my peace with it.

I’ll make my peace with myself because otherwise-

How would I survive?