Lorazepam - Tumblr Posts

So, this is happening...

I haven't done anything on here for a while now. Thanks to those who have continued following me despite that. I wanted to write a bit about what has been going on in my life recently, more specifically, my health (Bear in mind, when I say "a bit" I really mean "a butt-load").

So, about a month ago I found myself in a near constant state of vertigo (the one with nausea and dizziness, not Jimmy Stewart and Kim Novak). This was frustrating and uncomfortable. Frustrating, because I had just taken a week off of work and upon returning to work, I found it really hard to actually be at work [for those who don't know, I work in retail specializing in stock and visual stuff]. That first day I had to leave work early, even going so far as getting a ride home from my dad. I had the next few days off, so that was good, and the following week I was scheduled pretty lightly. Normally, that would have bothered me (given the fact that I had just taken a week off without pay), but that week it was a blessing. Especially since shipment mornings really did a number on me. Which brings me into the uncomfortable side of things. For anyone who has never experienced vertigo, I think the best way for me to describe it is being similar to incredibly bad motion-sickness. For anyone who has never experienced motion-sickness, I felt like I had consumed copious amounts of tequila and instead of getting drunk, I just got the side-effects. Rooms were spinning, thoughts of certain foods made me want to puke, and this was all made worse with movement.

This went on for about a week. That alone is annoying. Based on my studious internet research on vertigo, most people don't experience it constantly for days on end. But I was. And that sucked. And I tried to work as much as I could throughout it all. 

But after that first week, things got worse. I went to work Friday three weeks ago and had to leave after a mere half-hour. My right hand had starting shaking and it wasn't stopping. Not after drinking a lot of water, not after sitting down for fifteen minutes or so, not after eating a cookie. So I went home and my mom had to practically beg me to go see a doctor (I have this thing about going to the doctor: I don't like it, so I avoid it). She finally wore me down and made the next available appointment for urgent care. Luckily for me, it wasn't until the next morning.

So, the next morning, that morning being Saturday, I see a doctor. She sees in my records that I have generalized anxiety disorder and wonders if it may be related to that: I don't think it is, things are good at home and good at work. I get blood-work done (where I worry the phlebotomists who think they are the cause of my shaking arm), I get an EKG because my heart rate is fast, and then I get a prescription for lorazepam and instructions to make a follow-up appointment to see my GP the following week.

The lorazepam made my arm stop shaking, but it also doped me up. My parents were going away that weekend and were worried about me, but I wasn't scheduled to work so they were okay with me lazing around in my lorazepam cloud (as long as I had my cell phone with me at all times and called if there was a problem). Every morning I would wait and see if my arm had stopped shaking. It never did, so I would take my pills and try to remain entertained. It seemed like a good time to see if "Game of Thrones" really did live up to all the hype so I spent that first weekend on a mind-vacation in Westeros and Essos (it did live up to the hype, although I found the general violence to be a lot more graphic than the sex).

Monday would be the day I would have to make some decisions. And kind of Sunday. I had a dentist appointment scheduled Monday morning and had decided on Sunday to call and leave a message canceling due to medical reasons. But then I was scheduled to work later in the afternoon. No way I could work with my arm shaking like it was when I was not drugged up and there was no way I could work when I was drugged up, let alone get to work. So, on Monday, after my daily experiment of waiting and daily experience of disappointment, I called work and said I couldn't come in that day or for the foreseeable future (and with that comes not getting paid for the foreseeable future). Dang.

So, that is enough day-to-day detail for now. Let's fast-forward to Friday, my next doctors appointment, this time with my GP. First thing to check, is my are still shaking? Yes. Next, my heart rate was still fast, but my blood pressure was fine. Normally, that would indicate a thyroid problem, but one of last week's blood tests ruled that out. It was possibly something with my adrenal gland, so I got more blood-work done and was instructed to collect my pee for 24 hours to check on that. Also, I was going to need an MRI on my brain. Next appointment, next Friday. It didn't end up being the adrenal gland thing, so I won't go into the joys of 24h urine collection procedures. But the MRI was an experience worth mentioning.  

I've had MRIs before, one on my left wrist and then an extremely long one on my right elbow back in high school, so I wasn't really concerned about the whole thing. But let me tell you, a brain MRI is a COMPLETELY different experience than getting one on an extremity. First off, they kinda put your head in a box/cage to get "all the angles photographed properly" or something like that. I'm not claustrophobic. I like small spaces. Unless you put my head in a box/cage, apparently. But I'm already drugged up to keep my arm from going crazy so I figured I would be fine. Another thing about a brain MRI that is different from other MRIs is the noise level. Yeah, they gave me ear plugs (but I'm pretty sure one place gave me those noise-reducing ear-muff things once), but the ear plugs didn't seem to do much, which makes me terrified about what it might have been like without them. I don't know if it was the lorazepam, the head cage, the combination of the two, or just that it was me getting the MRI, but the noises were terrifying. To me, it seemed like a barbarian horde were making the way closer and closer and soon it would be time for battle. But I couldn't battle, I was in a giant magnet tube with a head-cage and the the horde was getting closer and closer. The clanking and banging seemed to be signaling my imminent death due to my vastly sub-par battle skills and the fact that I wasn't allowed to move [note: I know (and knew at the time) that there was no barbarian horde coming to do battle. but that didn't stop the images/ideas from forming in my mind]. But then the MRI was over and I no longer felt like the battle of the century was about to happen in my proximity.

Long story short, turns out my brain is fine. And at my next appointment (last Friday, for all you who like chronology) I learned that everything else was coming back looking just fine. Well, that was all fine and dandy, except for the fact that my arm was still shaking, at its mildest moments. At its worst moments it seemed more like a fish-out-of-water flapping around on a boat. So, more blood was drawn and I was being sent off to see a neurologist.

And that brings us to present time. I saw a neurologist today and while he described my brain as "beautifully normal looking" and told me that he didn't think I have Parkinson's, he brought in his two partners to observe my unusual tremor one at a time to get their opinions. Double dang. Next step: he's calling my therapist to discuss whether this is all some reaction to all the meds I'm on and/or different medication possibilities. I should hear from one of them on Monday.

Meanwhile, I haven't been able to work in three weeks. And that is frustrating. Also, while it may seem like I take a lot of meds to the person who only has one or two prescriptions or those weird people who don't take medicine, not even advil, every one of those pills serve a purpose. I seem to have a lot of problems, thus a lot of solutions. And I don't abuse those solutions so it seems unfair for them to turn on me now after the wonderful relationships we've formed over the years. 

So that's been this past month of my life. The vertigo is not as bad as it was, it comes and goes instead of being a constant companion. I don't even know it the vertigo is related to the tremor/demon arm.

Consider this the whiny installment. I'll write about what I've done while on lorazepam for three weeks next.