Lucifer Hates Himself - Tumblr Posts

Whumptober Prompt #23- Bleeding Out and Prompt #29- Numb

My wonderful readers, who I adore, I have bad news.  I’m sick, like really sick.  I’ve got a fever, nausea, tremors, weakness, fatigue, the whole shebang.  While I do have this one done, I know it feels kinda unfinished.  I can work on it later, when I’m not going to pass out by standing up.  So here’s some Lucifer

tw: suicide attempt, self hatred

...

Dying takes too long.  Having died before, Lucifer remembered bleeding out on the cold hard ground but he had only been shot in the stomach.  Now Azrael’s blade had torn up his skin, and the blood wasn’t flowing fast enough anymore.  He had had enough strength to hide the blade where humans wouldn’t find it but his brother or mother would, before he had collapsed behind the bar, savoring his last drink.  Time now felt so strange, almost like it was slowing down, but he knew Amenadiel wasn’t causing this.  He had thought for a moment that one of his other siblings had come but he had already slit his own wrists so there would be no need for them to get involved.  Revenge couldn’t be any sweeter than the knowledge that the great Devil himself, Lucifer Morningstar, has finally had the guts to punish the one person truly worthy of it.  The Apple, the rebellion, Hell, Uriel, it had all added up.  He was the only constant.  It had all been his fault.  Now the murderer, the rebel, the lost and scared little boy who had always desired far more than he was worth, was going to be erased from existence.  Maze, Chloe, the spawn, Doctor Linda, even Dan, they would have to learn how to live without him.  Not that that was hard, really, Dad had always said that Lucifer had more talent making messes than cleaning them.  He thought he could prove his father was wrong about him.  But He isn’t called the All-Knowing, All-Powerful Almighty for nothing, Lucifer supposed.  Why did he have to take so long to die?  Pain had faded a little while ago, now it was just a matter of waiting.  Waiting for this stupid humanesque form to finally bleed out and for the final punishment to end his damn bloody life.

The elevator dinged.

At least, he could’ve sworn he heard it do so.  He wanted to look over and see but he found he didn’t have the strength.  He apparently had lost the strength to open his eyes as well, he wasn’t sure when they had closed but they weren’t opening any time soon.

“Hey Lucifer, I have to go over some paperwork with you.”  It couldn’t be.  Anyone. Anyone else.  His mother, Amenadiel, Maze for bloody’s sake, but not him!

Dan walked around, Lucifer could hear his footsteps, and the barest hint of guilt settled into his stomach.  He may not have been the biggest fan of Detective Douche but he didn’t want the man to be the one to find him, slumped against the side of the bar in the dim light, bourbon glass that once held his last drink, blood staining his Prada.  They were just starting to develop a small rapport together.  After Dan fought off Azrael’s blade, Lucifer realized there was more to the human than he had first seen.  Dan had been so happy the last time he’d seen him.  But of course, Lucifer couldn’t even get his death right.  Always had to screw something up.

Dan’s step faltered.  “Damn it.  Lucifer!  Wake up!  How can you own a bar and pass out after, like, one drink?”  He was walking towards the bar, instead of back to the elevator.

Dan must’ve rolled him over because he moved, but he couldn’t feel Dan’s touch.

“Oh god!”  Dan shouted, and if Lucifer were more lucid he might’ve said the detective sounded scared, even terrified. The sound of removing clothing filled the air and then something pushed into his wounds and he felt the tiniest bit of pain.  That made no sense, the pain should’ve left him by now.

Detective Espinoza yelled into his radio, calling for an ambulance to Lux.

“Hold on, Lucifer, please, hold on.”

Now that was an idea!  Why didn’t he just let go?  Should’ve done it ages ago.  He gazed into the abyss, and jumped.

.............

Dan sighed.  He had no idea how he was supposed to tell Chloe.  They had gotten so close since Lucifer had first crashed into Chloe’s life.  Dan had been jealous, he’ll admit, anyone would be if someone like Lucifer crashed into their ex-wife’s life.  Especially since Dan still had feelings for Chloe, but he never would’ve suspected Lucifer would do something like this.

“I know you’re out there, Mister Sniper.  Shoot me!”

Lucifer’s words had been ringing in his head on a loop.  It had been a few weeks since Lucifer’s unbelievably stupid attempt at drawing out the killer in that case but now it felt like yesterday.  Dan paced around the hospital waiting room.  He had ridden in with the ambulance, using his badge to get in, as they tried to stabilize Lucifer, unfortunately, he hadn’t been able to answer many of their questions.  He knew Amenadiel could do a better job but he hadn’t arrived yet.  Dan had just been pacing, not calling Chloe, going over every interaction with Lucifer recently in his head.  The scars on his back, the trying to put a hit out on himself, admitting he hurt the people he loved most, the… the suicide attempt.  Stepping out in front of a murderous sniper.  He had just thought Lucifer was acting out, or just plain crazy.  He never would’ve guessed Lucifer was actively suicidal, not after the conversation they had.  All he had was flashes of it, he wasn’t sure why, but he knew he and Lucifer had squared a lot of their problems away.  He wondered how a man like that could go from character development to attempting to take his own life.

Biting the bullet, he dialed Chloe.

“Dan, what’s going on?”  Chloe’s voice was tinted with sleep.  “Another case?  Did they find the weapon?”

“Chloe, there’s been… you need to get to Good Samaritan.”  Dan said.  “It’s Lucifer.”

“What happened?”  Chloe asked, and he could hear her racing around the room, probably putting on shoes.  “Trixie’s asleep, I don’t want to leave her alone.”

“I went up to Lux for his statement after the case.”  Dan said.  “So he could corroborate the self-defense story?  I found him passed out… Chlo, his arms were all cut up.  He tried to kill himself.”

A shocked cry sounded over the phone.  “I’ll call Trixie’s sitter.  I’ll tell her it’s a family emergency.  I’ll be there as soon as I can.  Call Maze.  Do you have Amenadiel’s number?”

“I already called him.”  Dan said.  “He’s on his way now.”

“Okay.”  Chloe said.  “Call me the instant you get news.”

“I will,” Dan said, seeing the familiar face but with a terrified look he’d never seen on Amenadiel.  It was so unsettling, made Lucifer’s suicide attempt seem so much more real.  “Amenadiel’s here.  See you soon.”

“Dan!”  Amenadiel ran to him.  “Where is he?”

“In surgery.”  Dan said.

Amenadiel went to burst through the hospital doors but Dan just barely managed to hold him back.

“They won’t let you back there.”

“I need to see him!”  Amenadiel said, his voice sounding as terrified as Dan felt.

“Let the doctors do their jobs.”  Dan said.  “I wanna see him too, but if we go in there, we’ll just distract them from saving his life.”

Amenadiel deflated, and let Dan lead him back to the waiting room secretary.

“There is something you can do, though.”  Dan said, handing Amenadiel the same medical chart Dan was given before Lucifer’s surgery.  “Medical history.  They need it.”

Amenadiel stared at it.  “I don’t know the answer to these.”

“You don’t?”  Dan asked.

Amenadiel shook his head.  “No.  Many of these conditions, he’s never had before but, he’s never been this… sick before.”

Dan understood Amenadiel’s hesitation.  He couldn’t imagine it if a family member of his tried to commit suicide.

“Has he been acting unusual lately?”  Dan asked.  “Out of his normal character?”

Amenadiel thought for a while, as if carefully forming words.  “Our brother, Uriel, died.  Lucifer blames himself.  I wasn’t there, I don’t know the full story.”

“Oh my God, man, I’m so sorry.”  Dan pulled Amenadiel into a hug.  He knew Amenadiel wasn’t the biggest fan of physical touch but he figured the man could use a hug after losing one brother and being so terrified of losing another one.

Amenadiel surprised him by hugging back.  They stayed like that for a while.

“Chloe is going to be here as soon as she can.”  Dan whispered as Amenadiel finally pulled back.  “I was about to call Maze.”

Amenadiel nodded, and slumped into a waiting room chair.

Dan took that as his cue and called Maze.

“‘Sup, Douche?”  Maze laughed, she sounded like she was outside.  “Got anything for a bounty hunter?”

“Maze, do you know the hospital Good Samaritan?”  Dan said.

“Uh, no.”  Maze said, her entire tone changing to defensive.  “Why would I need to?”

“Get directions and get over here.”  Dan said.  “It’s Lucifer.”

Maze laughed.  “Lucifer, in a hospital?  That’s a good one.”

“Maze.”  Dan said, and Maze stopped laughing.  “They think he tried to kill himself.”

“He can’t.”  Maze said.  “There’s no way he can.”

“I found him, Maze.”  Dan said, the memory hitting him like a freight train.  He tried to choke back tears.  “You gotta get here now.”

“I’m on my way.”

Dan put his phone back in his pocket, finding that Amenadiel had gone back to staring at the hospital forms.  Dan sat next to him, seeing that Amenadiel had answered at least some of the questions.  It wasn’t much, but it was a start.

Chloe arrived about forty minutes, followed quickly by Ella, who Chloe must’ve called on the way.

“How is he?”  Chloe asked, running to them.

“In surgery.”  Dan replied, giving the same answer he’d been given for the last hour.  “They’ll let us know when he’s out.”

“Did they tell you if he was gonna make it?”  Ella asked, looking almost like a frightened child.  In that moment, he was reminded of Trixie, safe at home in bed, blissfully unaware of the tragedy her family was dealing with.

“They said the outcome looked good but he lost a lot of blood by the time I found him.”  Dan replied, and Chloe burst into tears.  Dan pulled her into a hug, which Ella soon joined in.

“Where’s Maze?”  Chloe said, getting ahold of herself.

“On her way.”  Dan said.

Chloe nodded.  “I’m going to get us some coffee.”

“I’ll go with you.”  Dan said.  “Ella, this is Amenadiel, Lucifer’s brother.  Amenadiel, this is Ella, she works with us.”

Ella then proceeded to slam Amenadiel into a hug.

“He’ll be okay.”  She whispered, though they all heard her.  “I’m sorry we had to meet like this, I love your brother, and there’s no way he’s not coming back from this.  I won’t let this be a part of the Big Guy’s plan.”

Amenadiel looked at Ella in surprise, and gently ran his fingers over her rosary.

“I don’t think it’s part of His plan, either.”  Amenadiel said, as if on the verge of tears.

Dan and Chloe took that as their cue.  As they were filling up the five coffee cups, Dan finally spoke.

“His brother died.”

“What?”  Chloe asked, wiping away at silent tears.

“Amenadiel told me their brother died, and Lucifer thinks it’s his fault.”  Dan said.  “That’s why he’s been crazier than usual.  I don’t know what happened, but Lucifer thinks that his brother’s death was his fault.  And it’s killing him.”

Chloe turned to him in shock, nearly spilling hot coffee all over herself.  “I told him to talk to someone.  I knew something was wrong but I didn’t want to push him.  And now, he’s, he’s-”

Chloe burst into tears all over again.  Dan went to hug her again but she pushed him away.

“We have to be strong for him.”  Chloe said, trying to stem the flow of tears.  “We can’t be breaking down every two seconds.”

Dan nodded, and together they carried up the five coffees.  Maze was there by the time they returned, trying to threaten the hospital staff with her knives.

“Either you let me see him or I’m going to prove to you what Hell’s number one demon can do to a human!”  Maze shouted.

“Maze!  Maze!” Dan shouted right back.  “Let these people do their jobs.  Right now that’s all we can do.”

With one last nonverbal threat, Maze plopped down next to Amenadiel.  He barely noticed her presence.

After an agonizing three hours, a doctor in scrubs finally called out, “Family of… Lucifer Morningstar?”

They all jumped up, as if racing each other to the news.

“We’re his family.”  Amenadiel said.  “I’m his brother.”

The doctor cocked an eyebrow but said nothing about it.

“Well, Mr. Morningstar, your brother is going to make it.”  Dan saw Amenadiel flinch at the name but they all sighed in relief when they heard the good news.  “He did lose a lot of blood, but we were able to repair the damage and gave him some transfusions.  He’s very lucky, we were losing him for a while but, somehow, he pulled through.  It was practically a miracle.”  Again, Dan saw Amenadiel flinch.  “It’ll be a long road to recovery, and he’ll have to stay here until a psychologist clears him, but in time, his physical wounds will heal.”

“Thank you, Doctor.”  Amenadiel said, ever the polite brother.  “May we see him?”

“I’m afraid it’ll be family only, at the moment.”  The doctor said.  “He’s still under anesthesia, so don’t be surprised if he doesn’t recognize you, if he wakes up at all.”

“They’re his family too.”  Amenadiel lied, surprising everyone though they tried to not let it show.  “Our Father created them as well.”

The doctor nodded, as if something had been made clear.  Probably thinking that either they were half-siblings or adopted.

“Then I’ll have to limit it to three.”  The doctor replied.  “Normally it would be two, but I see how close your family is.”

Maze and Amenadiel automatically stepped forward.

“Go, Dan.”  Chloe said, gently nudging him forward.

“Chlo.”  Dan breathes, shocked.  He knew she was much closer to Lucifer than he was.

“Dan, you’re the one who found him.”  Chloe whispered.  “You need to see he’s alive more than I do.”

 “I’ll trade places with you soon.”  Dan kisses the side of Chloe’s head, trying to appear brotherly.  Chloe squeezed him lightly in return.

“You found your brother?”  The doctor asked.

“I was the one who found him, yeah.”  Dan replied, trying to not give the whole thing away while answering honestly.

“Did you find the weapon he used next to him?”  The doctor asked, trying to be gentle.  “We couldn’t figure it out.  It was a very unusual wound.”

Dan shook his head.  “No. Only thing I found was a glass that used to contain bourbon.”

The doctor nodded.  Then, he should really get her name, she led them down the corridors to Lucifer’s room.  “Be very quiet and don’t try to wake him.  Just let him wake up on his own.”

Dan nodded for all three of them.

Lucifer slept on, completely unaware of them entering his room, but a flood of relief surged through Dan’s veins.  After seeing Lucifer so pale, so still, so lifeless, seeing him breathe under his own power made Dan’s knees weak with relief.  He was wearing a nasal canula, as many patients often do, but he didn’t have a ventilator.  Dan thought it the best he’s ever seen Lucifer.  He was still pale, still very still, his eyeliner still smudged, but his chest was moving up and down, his heart was beating, and that was all that mattered to Dan.

“Bastard.”  Maze muttered, tightening her grip on a knife she’d snuck in.  “How dare you?”

“Mazikeen.”  Amenadiel snapped.  “That is not helping.”

“How dare he?”  Maze whirled on Amenadiel.  “He doesn’t get to run away like this.  Leaving me here. No way of going back.  Leaving you with no way of going back to the Silver City assholes.  He can’t just leave us here without him!”

Dan put a hand on Maze’s shoulder, ready to yank it back so he didn’t lose it.

Maze snorted, shoving him off.  She perched onto one of the uncomfortable hospital chairs, as if waiting for someone to attacking him.  Dan figured that made sense, Maze had once been his bodyguard.

“I’ll go get Chloe in here.”  Dan said.

“No.”  Maze said.  “She’ll make it worse.”

“Lucifer was wounded when she was at home, Maze.”  Amenadiel said.  “He must’ve used Az- our sister’s blade.  That’s the only thing I could think of that could do this damage to him.”

Maze growled.  “Fine.”

Dan nodded, unsure of what had just happened, and simply left to get Chloe.

...

AO3- https://archiveofourown.org/works/21153110/chapters/50345237