Making Amends - Tumblr Posts

@stolas-arsgoetia-rp came straight for the feelz and said: “Thank you for defending my honor, my darling. However, you cannot take all of the blame. After all, I was the one who initiated the deal in the first place. It seems we have much to discuss but know this, my dearest: I do not regret our first night together, no matter the consequences that came after, and I never will.”

-

Blitz grew quiet, listening as Stolas spoke. He hadn't even known that Stolas was there, that heard it. Slowly, his tail curled up over his shoulder, and by the time Stolas was done speaking, the imp wanted to melt. Melt away into the ground? Melt away into oblivion? Melt in Stolas's arms? Melt into his voice, where he could live forever? He didn't know and it didn't matter. His golden eyes were locked onto Stolas's, gleaming with all of the things Blitz had been too shitty to ever say to him and mean--the things he'd been too afraid of. But now? They had already lost each other, hadn't they? So there was nothing left to lose--

Nothing left to be afraid of.

"I don't regret it either, Stols," Blitz admitted. He stepped closer. Then, with a muttered fuck it, he jumped up onto a chair and stood there, wanting to be closer to being able to look Stolas in the eyes. Heart fucking aching for love of this beautiful man he had lost by being the biggest fucking idiot to walk the Rings, Blitz reached out and took his hands.

"I don't regret you. And I never fucking will. I know it's... it's probably too late. Whatever you've got going on these days, with Demetri, or whoever, or just... you're probably happy. And that's--that's good. I'm happy for you. But Stolas, I'm never going to forget you, okay? I'm not like..." He looked down, sighing. "Fucking good at this. This feelings bullshit. Being honest and communicative and not just, you know. Spewing nonsense every other sentence." Blitz swallowed hard, shook his head, then looked back up. "But I miss you. All the time. Every day. I miss your texts. I miss the way you smell. The way you sound. I miss holding you. I miss when you start dreaming and making little like, fucking, little bird sounds in your sleep. I miss watching you get up and get ready for whatever you have to do that day. I just... I didn't...

"I didn't like. Appreciate you. Enough. When we had each other. I didn't tell you shit. I left you feeling... fucking... alone, right? Like you were some kind of monster, abusing me, and like you weren't... wanted? And that's, that's on me, Stolas. And I know it. I'm not... I'm never gonna be like, perfect." Like you are. Fuck, Stolas was everything. Blitz shook his head. "But I'm trying. Because I don't want to be this guy anymore.

"I don't want to stay the man who broke your heart."

Blitz heard him out, taking in every word. Some of them hurt, some of them felt like bliss, and the mixture was a bittersweet one. They had gone too far into the pain, they had hurt each other too badly, for this to just be brushed away like nothing had happened. But we can't brush things away or ignore them anymore, he reminded himself firmly, trying to quash that old fucking instinct that always insisted it was better, better to ignore the problems, better to run, better to be safe and alone than vulnerable and with someone else.

His throat was tight by the time Stolas finished, and since Blitz was still standing up on the furniture, tall enough to do this for once, he pulled the beautiful bird into his arms. Gently, more gently than he wanted to, afraid he might break him somehow, or break this moment, this careful peace they finally had. Closing his eyes, Blitz rubbed his cheek against Stolas's shoulder.

"I'm gonna answer," he said, stomach tight enough that he thought he might be sick, but in a good way, an overwhelmingly good way. "I just... I need a minute. To breathe. Please. Don't--don't leave this time. Because I'm not fast enough to..." He swallowed against tears and hugged Stolas a little tighter, holding onto the lifeline that was this warm body. Fuck, it ached to know a body so well, but feel a million miles away from the person inside it. And right now, until they got onto the same page? They were a million miles apart, if not more. Stolas just said so much, made himself so vulnerable, and Blitz knew that if he fucked this up? Stolas might never be able to open up like this with him again. Why would he want to?

Don't be afraid. Even if he's planning on breaking your heart, you owe it to him to let him. Stop being a little bitch about love, he told himself, trying to find the courage. Fuck, why the fuck was this so terrifying?

"I love you, too," he said, the words coming out softly, before Blitz had even fully decided to say them. "Stolas. I love you, too. I wanted to tell you at your house. It took me--way too long. Into that fight. To realize that you and me, we weren't talking about the same thing, we weren't fighting about the same thing. We were on way fucking different pages, and when I realized it, I tried to reach out but you--you needed to get away. And I. Fuck. I'm the captain of cutting and running. Of getting overwhelmed and freaking the fuck out and needing to just... so I, I get it, Stolas. I get it. Why you didn't stay.

"And I was shitty to you. All the time. But then at the party, after you sang... I wanted to tell you so many things. You were too drunk, I don't know if any of it would have sunk in. And it wouldn't... it wouldn't have been fair? To tell you the things, the things that... that really matter? When maybe you wouldn't remember them.

"I love you. I'm in love with you. And I want you? I don't know what you, why you, why you would want me, but I'm learning to accept that you do. And maybe you're sorry for the deal, but I ain't. Cause that deal? The chance to get close to you? I wouldn't change that for the fucking world.

"I don't know how you can trust me. There's... nothing. That I can fucking say, to convince you. But if you'll let me, I'll try, Stolas. For you. I will try--anything. And I am sorry. For everything. All the times I left you feeling alone. One more asshole in your life who turned away. I'm sorry for everything. Stolas, I'm sorry. For hurting you. For all of it.

"What do..." His heart was racing a million miles a minute. How could it be so terrifying, admitting love to someone else? Trying to work a relationship out? Why did hope have to hurt to experience?

"What do you need? From me. To feel--safe. Wanted. To feel like, like maybe you can start believing, or risk believing, that I care...?"

Stolas held Blitzø's hands in his as the imp confessed everything he had only longed to hear. They were beautiful, hopeful words that Stolas had only dreamt of hearing. Now that they were spoken aloud from the very person he had wanted to hear them from, it was hard to process. Part of Stolas wondered if Blitzø was only saying all of these beautiful things to get back in his good graces and not because he truly felt them. Satan, he hoped that the imp truly meant it. All of it.

He couldn't help but reach out and cup Blitzø's face adoringly, though a sad smile graced his features. Blitzø had been so resistant to telling Stolas how he felt, the prince was stealing himself for it all to slip away in an instant.

"You know how I feel Blitzø, I have told you how much you mean to me and all I have wanted was to hear that you felt the same. How can I trust anything that you have to say? I want to Blitzø, more than anything."

Stolas dropped his hand and hugged himself, needing comfort. "I understand that you do not like to speak about feelings Blitzø but I need you to. I have to hear the words or I will always doubt that you truly care for me as anything other than a convenient fuck. Do you understand? I want more. I deserve more.

"I apologize for ever starting the deal in the first place, I simply wished to spend time with you. I had no frame of reference for how to do that. You were my first and only ever friend Blitzø. I thought about you constantly after that night. I debated over and over how I could get you to come visit once again and that is why the deal was made. I was never going to hold the grimoire over you, I would have let you use it for as long as you needed. I should have never proposed such a deal, for that I am truly sorry.

"Somewhere along the way, I have come to love you Blitzø. Truly, deeply, love you. I can only hope you feel the same but I need to hear the words Blitzø. Please tell me that you love me as well."

As Blitz listened to him, he sat down next to him. The mattress felt so familiar, but at the same time, it felt like they had never been here before. And they hadn't, not really. He looked down at the bedspread for while, needing to look away if he was going to fully take the words in. Frowning a little, Blitz nodded along at several points; the things Stolas asked for, not just the way he asked, but the things themselves, said so much about how badly Blitz had wounded him. And not just Blitz, but damn near everyone else in Stolas's life, the imp thought.

When his beloved fell quiet, Blitz looked up and studied his face, unable to miss the fear--to miss how much courage Stolas was showing right now, with all of this. He was quiet for a moment, then offered Stolas one of his hands, and laid his tail up against his back--strong enough for Stolas to lean back on if he needed to, another way of holding him.

"You are the only one I want. And I don't want to be a convenient way for you to get off, either. I mean, I do, I want you to know that I always want you, so that it's like, so you never feel in-convenent... convene.. fuck, inconvenient. But I want to be something to you, too. Someone you're... proud of, you know? Where if we go to Ozzie's again, maybe neither of us ever has to look away or feel ashamed. I want to be someone that you feel good to want. To love.

"You want my commitment--babe, you got it. I'm yours. And yeah it's... kind of fucking terrifying, saying it," he admitted, eyebrows scrunching up, "but it's true, too.

"What I need in return is... try to... be, I guess, be patient with me? Because we're both learning how to do this right. Together. And we'll get there. We might fuck up along the way, but we'll get there.

"Do... okay. Shit. Um. Two questions. One: can I have a drawer? So that, you know, maybe we can spend more time together without it feeling like..." Like I'm your dirty little secret. "Like somethin' so rushed?

"And second--does it... how... how like, how open do you want things to be at first? If we're out in public, anywhere the other Goetia can find out, how do you feel about me like, you know. Kissing you, or holding your hand?" These were small things, but they felt important to figure out all the same. The way forward would be made of all of these small things, all of these questions asked and answered together. They could do this--couldn't they?

This conversation was a truly terrifying one but it was necessary, Stolas kept reminding himself. After this, if Blitz didn’t feel the same, he could lose the imp forever. He longed to hear the words but should he not receive them, the prince would have to learn to accept that. Though the concept was a painful one.

Stolas gave Blitz time to sort out his words, talons wringing together anxiously as he watched the imp try and put his feelings into words. He closed his eyes, ready for the rejection when he heard the words he had always been longing to hear, I love you. That couldn’t be right, could it? No, but Blitz said then again and confirmed that he was indeed, in love with Stolas. His eyes grew wide as he tried to process those three little words. How could he accept so much from the imp? He had wanted it but now that he had it, what did that mean? What were they? Where was this going?

Stolas’s mind raced as Blitz not only confessed his feelings but apologized as well. A genuine apology this time. It was all too much to process at once. Stolas sat down on the edge of his bed, head in claws as he sorted through everything Blitz said.

Now Blitz was asking what he needed? Stolas hardly knew at this point. The imp had never been so forthcoming, so open. He was already given exactly what he had hoped for from Blitz, why did he want to push the imp even more?

“Blitz I-“ Stolas took a deep breath and looked at the imp from his place on the bed, reaching out to take his claws and squeezing them tightly in his own. He couldn’t stop the almost sad, disbelief that graced his features. “I had thought the words would be enough, and they do mean a lot. Do not get me wrong, however, I need to see your actions reflect your words. I need to know that you truly do care about me-love me-the way you say you do. Words can only mean so much.”

Stolas took a deep breath, “Blitz, if you love me-truly love me-I want commitment. I want to be the only one you want. I want this to be a real relationship. I am tired of being just a convenient way for you to get off. I understand if I am asking a lot but this is what I want. I want commitment. I want companionship. I want love. And I need to see that in your actions, not just your words. I know it is a lot to ask, I encourage you to take your time to…reflect.”

Fuck. Fuck, fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. FUCK. Everything went so much better than Blitz could have hoped for, and he didn't know what to do with that. This conversation had been terrifying, probably for both of them, but was it--was it really just that easy? Could people just decide to be together and be good together? Decide to be loyal to each other? Was that something he just had never fucking understood until now? Blitz gave his loyalty to his loved ones, but had never once expected it back...

But now, it felt like Stolas was giving it in return. And Stolas was happy about it. He wasn't offended that Blitz wanted equality, he wasn't pissed that Blitz wanted to occupy a little bit of space in his room. He wasn't offended that Blitz had the audacity to ask for any of this. He was--he was happy. Stolas was happy. The laughter, light as spring, the kisses so much sweeter than honey, the words, this all felt like a dream. For a moment, Blitz was terrified of waking--but then he felt the prick of one of Stolas's claws against his skin and let that ground him to reality. This wasn't a dream. This was--

Fuck. Fuck.

This was real. And it was good. It was so good.

Abruptly, Blitz was all over him. He climbed onto Stolas, clambered around him, rubbing his face on him, rubbing his horns, shoving his nose into his feathers and snorting happily, huffing, biting, a little red whirlwind of loving chaos for a moment before, ultimately, he had Stolas pinned on the bed.

Looking down at him, holding his arms, panting a little from that burst of energy, Blitz felt something inside himself--unknot? The word felt like it fit, strange as it was. It was like something inside had been tangled up, tight and painful, all his life, but now? Now, looking down at Stolas, without either of them pretending anything, without either of them giving the other reason to be afraid, now that they knew they were something, that they were choosing something? Some knot eased, and the world grew just a little brighter.

Nothing was perfect. Blitz knew that. There would be mistakes along the way. They were both going to fuck up. How could they not? But together? Hand in fucking hand?

He kissed Stolas for all he was worth, unable to use his words just yet, unable to do anything but burst into the tumultuous joy of a heart finally freed to do what it wanted.

Stolas couldn't believe the words coming out of the imps mouth. He had only dreamt to hear this confession and he was full of emotions he could hardly name. With the joy overwhelming him, Stolas reached out and quickly pulled Blitz into his arms, kissing all over his face and anywhere he could reach. He was happy, deliriously so.

"Oh, my darling! You can have as much room as you wish." He giggled, squeezing Blitz tightly in his arms. "In fact, I will make room in my closet for you. I may need to move some things around." He contemplated.

He still had a smile on his face as Blitz asked his second question but he wanted to show Blitz that he took his concerns seriously. Stolas held Blitz a little further apart so he could look him in the eye. "I do not care if anyone sees us darling. I love you and I will tell the entirety of Hell, Heaven and the human world if need be. I want everyone to know I belong to you. Nothing would please me more."

Stolas cupped Blitz's face and kissed him gently, trying to convey how much he meant to the prince. "Whatever may come our way, we will get through it together hmm?"