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everyone loves incoherent overly personal sys rambling right? yes of course you do
questioning if we're polyfrag again. every time we so much as poke at certain sysmates (self very much included) it's like. okay, you are definitely a subsystem. not even a very well coordinated or integrated one either. you have enough amnesia barriers just within yourself to make our life complicated. but it's hard to handle whatever sub-parts that exist because they are just tiny fragments, barely extant things that struggle to hold onto anything of their own (except for, you know, memories and emotional context and things we'd very much like them to share so we can handle them appropriately).
on a system management basis, this is annoying as hell. we're some variety of monoconcious, and figuring out who's fronting is very frequently an investigation. when there's a handful of fragments hanging around, that's nigh-impossible. it just ends with long periods of blurriness and switchiness and general unpleasantness (and lately, bits and pieces of lost time; we can usually find it with a little internal communication, but it's still distressing.) i don't even know how to track or document these fuckers.
... so if we are polyfrag then like. would rather appreciate not being that? can we have a few less guys? or like, can they not clog up front all the time? can we have some sort of organization or something.
in that vein. we've been debating making a sys-sona. we're not coherent enough as an individual to make it a proper singletsona type thing, it would have to account for the plurality bullshit (by being a shapeshifter, of course!) but we can imagine a sort of "common denominator" self of most pervasive traits. it'd be nice to have something that represents us as a collective that we could latch onto during those otherwise-blurry periods. of course, this runs the risk of just. getting a separate alter who is That Guy. a gemini within the gemini. but idk, that might be a risk worth taking at this point? that might be helpful, considering we otherwise don't really have a host anymore.
fuck, idk if we've had one in half a year, really. james got assigned the position but it was more of "hey, i have the most connection to the body and can handle irl things and have been frontstuck for a while. i must be the host." she was just the designated patsy, in the end. (we've been trying to be a little nicer to him, now that we know that... he's been trying his best.) there's certainly others who take over meatspace-related front duties that can overpower the rest of us, but they're not really consistent or intelligible; fragments that hold routines and survival strategies, more than anything. (the one who does therapy clearly has a coherent viewpoint but is like. inaccessible outside of that.)
we are fucking freestyling being alive right now in so many ways. head full of nothing many things, none of them coherent plans for the future despite . what if a control freak couldn't control anything. etc etc. but that might be how it has to be for a while. we're obviously burnt out in like 35079509 different ways on 286598 different levels. being even more of a tryhard about it is unlikely to help. we could stand to be spontaneous on purpose for once, instead of having it only come out under extreme stress
while we're talking about other hopeful dreams; would be nice to actually stick in/understand inner world stuff more. lately we get just enough to know shit is happening but not enough to know what is happening and it's kind of annoying to hear like. one half of an argument while trying to do something entirely unrelated. alternately if we're not going to understand it can it be quieter