Oh Gosh I Want To Cry But I Hold It - Tumblr Posts

oh gosh sorry but fck this 😭😭😭😭

in front of the river ⊹ ࣪. ｡༻

lee juyeon (the boyz) x gn!reader angst

they met in front of the river.

he stayed there forever.

⊱ ─────────ஓ๑♡๑ஓ ───────── ⊰

wc: 1110

tw: uhhhh all my fics are kind of triggering, but i dont think this is as bad as the other two,, the only thing that could be considered triggering is the mention of a suicide, but there aren't any details about it.

he was sitting on your bench.

your. bench.

it wasn't yours, but it was yours. the place you visited whenever life didnt treat you well. the past few months had been really hard for you, every day you sank deeper into the anxiety that had been torturing you. so your visits to the bench in front of the river were getting more and more frequent. noone really sat there, which is pretty normal considering it was a single bench in the middle of nowhere in front of old houses and apartments.

so why was he there?

that's what you thought to yourself, staring at the man that was sitting on your bench.

"take a picture, it will last longer." his deep and raspy voice echoed between the not so well-maintained buildings.

"you're sitting on my bench." you replied, refusing to reply with sarcasm. you were too invested in your misery to have energy for that.

he didn't reply. he didn't even turn to look at who had been staring at him. you weighted your options and decided against letting him have his way. he was the intruder after all, that bench was your home in a way.

so you sat next to him, your eyes admiring the reflection of the moon and the stars on the water. "why are you here?" he asked you.

you turned your head to his direction, a confused look on your face. "i come here often." you answered, not wanting to start a conversation, just trying to take in as much of the landscape in front of you as possible. "i know. i've seen you. why do you come here so often?"

it was getting serious. you turned your whole body towards him, hugging your knees that were between you and the boy. "it feels safe. silent and isolated, a great place for bad days." you told him. "why are you here, though?"

"i'm always here." he replied, lifting his arm and pointing at a rooftop with his finger. "i go there on bad days. and i can see you coming here and sitting for hours on this bench with your headphones on and a coke zero next to you. it felt kind of comforting to have someone around that seems like they are on the same page as me. so i decided to come here and wait for you. ask you what's wrong."

your painted with confusion face softened up, after hearing the boy talk. he had a really beautiful voice. "i'm juyeon." he murmured.

"y/n." you whispered back.

"can you take me there?" you continued, your eyes on his. he stood up, taking your hand in his and intertwining his fingers with yours. it didn't feel weird. it made you feel,, safe?

you followed him, your jacket and coke on your other hand. you noticed there were no stairs to actually get on the rooftop and paused. "wait, how do we get there?". "just trust me." the boy you now knew was named juyeon told you.

he unlocked the door of the building and showed you the stairs, chuckling at your weirded out face. "hey don't judge me, i'm not the person who decided to hide the key under the doormat!". he said, while placing the key where he found it.

you laughed at his words. his hand made its way to your mouth in seconds, "shhhh, what if they hear us?". you nodded and he removed his hand from your face. he ran to the stairs, dragging you with him and suddenly you found yourself on the rooftop.

the black haired boy walked to the other side of the rooftop, jumping above the short walls that separated the buildings. he helped you get over them and the two of you found the perfect spot on the next building's rooftop. he took of his jacket and put it on the concrete, patting it for you to sit on.

"put yours on, it's going to get cold soon." he whispered and looked at the river, avoiding eye contact with you. you smiled at how thoughtful he seemed, even though he was practically a stranger. you did as told, sitting on the jacket that was carefully placed on the floor with your back resting on a concrete cube that was probably someone's attic.

juyeon turned around and sat next to you, his eyes never meeting yours. "it's beautiful." you said, your voice so low that it almost seemed broken. a couple of tears ran down your cheek, your tiny whine audible in the complete silence for the the boy next to you to hear it.

juyeon looked at the tears escaping your eyes, his hands going on your face to dry them before he realised it. you looked at him completely taken aback, melting into the boy's touch, as you felt his hands cupping your face and his attention being fully on your tears. now it was your turn to look into his eyes, trying to read his soul. unconsciously you leaned in, until your lips were on his. he didn't pull back, giving in the subtle movement of your lips.

the kiss was slow and passionate. something about kissing the black haired boy on a rooftop under the stars made you feel less dead inside.

the kiss was followed by subtle touches, both of you exploring each other's bodies under the dim light of the moon.

you don't remember how you fell asleep, but you woke up just when the sun was noticeable but not enough to indicate it's the next day. juyeon wasn't there, but his jacket was. you got up and looked around, not seeing any trace of him around.

a sudden feeling of sadness took over your body. you removed your own jacket and put on his black one, leaving yours on that spot. maybe him finding it would give him a reason to come meet you again and take his back.

you never saw juyeon again. it was like he stole your firsts and left you, but it didn't really feel like he left you. even though you knew him for a day -or like,, a night- it felt like you knew him for years.

you still visited your bench quite often, since life hadn't gotten any better. sometimes you even went on his rooftop, always getting a very deep feeling in your whole body that you couldn't explain.

as you were walking down the one-way street to reach your bench a couple days later, you caught a sentence of the radio show playing in a car that was waiting for the traffic light to turn green.

"the black haired boy that was found dead in the river remains unident–"

---

you can’t do this to me 😭😭😭

DEAR STRANGER ─✎ 김.선우

» Kim sunwoo x Fem!Reader

» Words: 4.0k

» Genre: Angst, Penpal au, fluff if you squint

» Warnings: Major character death, reader has an illness (anemic and liver cancer)

» Summary: When sunwoo falls in love with a girl he met through pen pal letters, but he wished he could've told her sooner how much she meant the world to him.

» A/n: this idea has been stuck with me for over a year now and i finally decided to write it. I was actually supposed to post this like a long time ago but i never got to finish it😭💔 so here it is. i have also thought about just scrapping this but it would be a waste to just throw this away. Also another reason to procrastinate on my collab drafts KNSJSKSJJD. Actually, I was thinking about making this as an "i want to eat your pancreas" inspired fic, but it did inspire some scenes.

Hey there stranger,

Thanks for agreeing to be my pen pal. It's rare to see people do pen pals these days but I'm glad you accepted. Anyways, I'll stop babbling and let's start getting to know each other. Starting with simple questions, what's your favorite food? Mine is {favorite food} well, nowadays I can't really eat much of it because of a diet I have to follow but it's all good!....

Sunwoo smiles at the letter, sent by a girl, around his age. Those are the only info he knows as that's the rule in the website, so that you could have things to write about and chances to know each other personally.

As he's down to the last line, he immediately sat down on his desk to write his response.

Few hours later he finished, it really shouldn't have took that look but he had to double check— and even rewrite some parts. He placed your letter beside his and compared his plain and boring letter to your beautifully decorated one. He sighed, deciding to keep it as simple as possible.

"Sunwoo, we are gonna be late," a voice from the door. It was eric, his best friend, picking him up for his soccer practice.

"Is that from your pen pal?" He spots the letter beside sunwoo's and differentiates the two.

"Is it too simple? Should I add stickers or something," Sunwoo asks the boy beside him.

"Keep it simple, it has your personality." He smirks before walking away to exit his room. "Now let's go, I'm already late for baseball."

Sunwoo packs his things and heads out the door, taking the letter with him to drop off by the post office on the way.

=

You woke up immediately stretching your back, "this has got to be the most uncomfortable bed I have ever laid in," you said to yourself, looking out the window, the sun is out and the sky is clear. You got switched to a different room a day before due to some leaking in the old one and this had its perks, like the beautiful hospital garden view.

The outside looked beautiful and colorful compared to your dull, white, hospital room. You sighed and continued to lay in bed, what else is there to do when you are bedridden. You laid peacefully with your eyes closed, dreaming about the things you wanted to do when you get discharged. It wasn't like you were in here all your life but it does feel like it.

Then a knock came, it was the nurse bringing you breakfast and medicine. "Good Morning Y/n," She greeted, bringing your table in front of you.

"Good Morning."

The familiar meal set displayed in front of you as your face slowly darkened. You were sick of it, not that it tasted bad, you had it almost everyday for breakfast since you got here.

"Your parents dropped this off for you." She handed you a bag full of goodies to atleast make your stay a little less gloomy. In it had another plushy, more papers and stickers, and a letter. It must be from your pen pal.

The nurse shortly left after she checked your vitals and IV. You opened the letter and it was adorned by a messy yet cute handwriting.

The smile on your face didn't leave down to the last word. `He seemed cute', you thought, hoping that whoever sent you this wasn't a creepy middle aged lonely man who finds comfort in sending young girls letters.

After clearing out breakfast, you used the vacant table to write him a letter, this time, it contained info like your name and age. A question portioned that asks him for his name, age, and other information that you'll need to know he wasn't some creepy old man.

You finished decorating your letter and placed it on the table beside you.

Now to wait another week...

=

"Regionals is around the corner, are you excited?" Eric said, swinging his baseball bat by his side.

Sunwoo and Eric were walking home from practice and the only thing in the older boy's mind is that your letter arrives today.

Every week or so each letter gets sent out to the receiver, that depends on the distance between each person. Since your and sunwoo's letters arrive a week from each other, that indicated that you lived in the same country as him.

"Sunwoo, are you listening?"

The boy snapped out of his trance, looking at his best friend.

"Mm? Yeah, sure," he answered. Nearing the post office to obtain your letter.

"Are we gonna come here every week?"

"Yep," Sunwoo beamed as Eric groaned, slumping his shoulders as he followed the elder in front of him.

Little did Eric know, sunwoo was smiling, his face showed excitement. It would be embarrassing for Sunwoo if he knew.

"Y/n" 6 letters later, you two got confirmation that both of you are real people. Your name rolled off his tongue so naturally. His body flat on his bed, staring at the ceiling above him.

He thought back to the pictures of you when he went through your instagram, after obtaining each other's socials. He couldn't get his mind off of you, it was like he saw the most beautiful girl ever.

Then a mental slap from the only sane braincell he had. Reminding him that you were just a girl he met through letters, has he gone crazy?

He slapped himself— physically, before tucking himself to bed.

=

Right after sunwoo's big soccer game, as soon as he came home he wrote to you. He wrote about his day and how he won his regional games, and even took a polaroid of his trophy and medal. He was so happy and excited for you to find out.

After he finished the letter, he stuck a stamp and ran to the post office to mail it.

A week later, he went to the post office awaiting your letter.

Nothing.

Confused, since you would always send him letters a week after.

The next week, and still nothing.

A few weeks later he finally heard from you. He opened the letter as soon as he arrived in his room. The usual greetings and response. What shocked him in the end was an address to your house.

Then a note beside it.

If it's alright with you, I want us to meet up.

=

A knock on the door.

Sunwoo was nervous, it took hours for him to find the perfect outfit to wear. Embarrassing, but he couldn't help it.

The door slowly opened revealing a man. He was in his business attire, either he just came home from work or just about to leave.

"Hello sir, i'm looking for l/n y/n," he tenses, watching as the man eyes him up and down.

"Who are you and what's your business with my daughter," he looks at him with narrow eyes, puffing his chest out as a sign of dominance.

"Kim sunwoo, She invited me to meet up," he stutters, intimidated by the looks of your father.

"Honey who was that— oh, you must be sunwoo," a woman appears from behind, pulling aside her husband, "Don't scare the boy," she slaps his shoulder.

"Hello ma'am," he greets again. The woman smiles, her eyes turn into crescent moon shapes and wrinkles form on the corners.

"You look very handsome, come in, we can have some tea before we head to see y/n." Confusion sets in but he just follows the woman inside.

"This is the first time y/n ever brings a boy home— well, invites home," she brings a set of tea cups with the hot liquid inside. The house looks neat and very well kept. By the looks of it, you come from a wealthy family. Sunwoo hesitates to sit on the leather couch before your mother gestures for him to sit.

"We'll leave in a bit after y/n's father finishes his work, but why don't you tell me a bit about yourself," sunwoo awkwardly sits there as your mother looks at him with curiousity, everything will be worth it though as he will finally be meeting you.

He got to ride with your parents, knowing nothing about your whereabouts. Nervousness sets in once again as thoughts circle his mind. He thinks about the overall possibilities and outcomes once he comes face to face with you.

Will you like him? What if he doesn't meet up to your expectations?

But, unbeknownst to him, you were equally nervous.

"Be honest, do I look ok?" You turn to the nurse.

She looks at you with an adoring smile, "He will love it," you grin at her response.

Turning again to look at the mirror, you observe the dress that accentuates your curves, the color complimenting your skin. Your hair is styled, which rarely it would be.

Shortly after, you get a text. It was your mother informing you that they were on their way. Excitement runs through your veins, and just in the nurse has your iv fluids set.

Sunwoo's stomach dropped.

'The hospital?' he thought, heart beating at an irregular pace.

Your parents lead him to the hospital garden where the patients and their visitors hang out and get fresh air.

Your parents greet you first, engulfing you in a hug and as you turn around, you spot him standing a few feet away.

You give him a smile.

Sunwoo blushes, he gives you a small wave and a 'hey'.

"Ok we'll leave you two alone, we'll come back in a bit, yeah?" You bid your parents goodbye, leaving the two of you alone in silence.

"I'm really sorry we had to meet like this," you said, swinging your feet off the ground from the swings. You led him to a quieter part of the garden where few people come by.

"It's alright, just a heads up would've been nice," he chuckles.

"I mean, I just wanted us to meet since, you know," you gesture to the IV stand that you had been painfully dragging.

Sunwoo's heart clenches, he never would've thought that you have been going through something like this.

"Well not that I am dying," you laughed, trying not to make the tension between you grow.

"Anyways enough about me, how's soccer?" Sunwoo then talked about his days during soccer and how he's about to compete in a national competition and it could help him get scouted for college scholarships. It made you want to melt, you can tell he loves what he does and you can feel his burning passion.

But, you continued to sit in silence, trying not to have the conversation turn to you. You tried to drag it more, also trying to talk about soccer with the lack of knowledge of the sport. Making him mention his friend Eric, talking about school and all sorts of stuff.

And just like that it was getting dark, the light orange sunlight shining across the sky.

"Ah, it's almost dark," you said, abruptly standing up from the swing, though you regretted it when you suddenly felt dizzy, close to falling back when sunwoo was conveniently behind you to catch you.

"Be careful." His calloused hands pressing against your arms. Butterflies in your stomach.

"I'll call my parents."

"It's alright, I'll just call mine, I don't live too far from here." He says, keeping you company until you reach your room.

It was fun until it lasted. He bid you goodbye and went home.

You both agreed that it would be easier to have you communicate by phone but you would still surprise him with letters from time to time.

=

⚽: I just got your letter

⚽: The photos are really pretty

💌: thank you! I am glad you liked them :)

⚽: you know you could've just sent them here

💌: but i like sending you letters >:(

⚽: lol ok fine

💌: hehe >:)

Sunwoo smiles through his phone, he felt giddy. Eric notices his best friend, smiling ear to ear, genuinely concerned.

"Bro.... I am right here," he says, furrowing his brows and pouting at the boy. He groans in his spot, laying down on the floor beside sunwoo.

"You know if you were just gonna text y/n all day then why bother inviting me," he mutters, sunwoo still silently typing away.

The boy sits up and starts poking sunwoo's side, making the boy drop his phone. Eric grabs the phone from the floor and starts scrolling through the chat.

"Eric give me my phone back!" He yells as the younger runs around the house to avoid him.

Even making their way outside, sunwoo chases Eric around the yard before inevitably tackling him to the ground.

"Oops I sent it." Sunwoo's mouth opens wide. Reading the text Eric just sent.

⚽: Do you think we could go out some time?

"Oh my god eric...." He grins menacingly.

Sunwoo was ready to tackle him once again when his phone vibrated.

💌: Sure, how does this weekend sound?

⚽: that's alright with me!Your cheeks heats up like crazy, you couldn't help but let out a tiny squeal.

Few weeks after you and Sunwoo met for the first time, you finally got out of the hospital and this'll be your first ever date.

You are finally living like a normal teenage girl.

The date starts off normal, meeting up at a nice cafe near sunwoo's school, ordering some treats and drinks, and starting off with small talks.

"First time we met, you just kept letting me talk about myself, let's talk about now." His eyes became attentive, waiting for you to talk.You tense up not knowing what to say, locking your eyes with his dark brown ones.

You couldn't help but admire his boba eyes, long lashes and his luscious lips. Has he always looked this attractive? His permed dark hair, bangs reaching his eyes, and his cute habit of running his pointer finger to move the tips of his hair away from his sight.You snap out of your daze when sunwoo tilts his head.

"Right, uhm, well I'm actually homeschooled, bummer I know but there's nothing I can do when I can literally drop on the floor anytime," you joke, sunwoo shoots you a concerned look.

You panic when he starts to worry, "It'll only happen when I'm tired, I am extremely anemic," you say, sunwoo nods, taking note of what you said.

"I have liver cancer, I was malnourished as a baby, low blood sugar, low iron, and I was constantly sick," sunwoo watches as you avoid looking at his eyes, doing everything other than to look up at him, "I've missed so much of my childhood and teenage life, I just want to be normal. You know like, have fun, do stupid stuff, enjoy high school, dance at a prom, and if I'm lucky enough, I want to go to actual college."

You continued to rant, sunwoo still listening to every word. He wished he could magically rewind time, make your illness disappear and let you just enjoy your life, and he would want to be there to enjoy it with you.

"But please don't pity me, I have had my happy moments and I am content with that," you smiled.

Your smile was the brightest, sunwoo adored it. You were content, not wanting to be burdened with any regrets.

Life is like that, you don't know what it has in store for you. So just enjoy it, enjoy every last bit of it, remove the bad memories and only remember the good ones, for those are the ones that will keep you going.

=

"Oh hey sunwoo ,what are you doing here?"

"Just come with me," he drags you to his car, opening the passenger seat to let you in.

He drives off somewhere, taking you to a surprise he has prepared. You remembered how excited he was when he got his license for the first time, he wanted to take you on late night drives and road trips but you told him to slow down, trying to keep him from getting his brand new license revoked.

He parks the car at the foot of a hillside, blindfolding you as soon as you get out.

"Watch out." He says as you trip over a small rock.

"Sunwoo I can't see," you step, one foot after the other, carefully trying not to trip on anything.

"Ok, take the blind fold off," he stands in front of you, a blanket and other stuff laid out on the grass. It looked like it came out of a cliché romance movie. It's a romantic gesture nonetheless.

"When did you have time to do this?"

"I had a little help from Eric, getting stuff up here," he grins, sitting crossed legged on the blanket, patting down the spot beside him.

The moon shined bright, the stars speckled on the black sky. The beautiful fresh air hitting your skin, you breathe in to take the cool air into your lungs.

"This is beautiful sunwoo." You turned to him, his eyes staring right into yours, the moonlight casting down onto you, highlighting your features very well.

He tucks a stray hair strand behind your ear, moving his hand down to your cheek. You melt into his warm touch.

Sunwoo then grabs a speaker and starts playing a song. The slow melody surrounding you two, sunwoo standing up with his hands reaching out in front of you.

"May I have this dance with you?"

"Of course." you take his hands in yours, pulling you to stand on your feet. "Except I don't know how to dance." You said in a shy tone, sunwoo chuckled.

"Don't worry, I'll teach you." He begins by guiding your hands on where you should place it.

Your hands on his shoulders while his was around your waist. "Then just follow my lead." Your head looks down to watch his feet, following and matching his moves. You picked it up quickly, making you giggle.

Sunwoo finds your chin in between his pointer and thumb, making you look up at him. Now the moon was shining onto both of you, acting as a spotlight.

The light lets you look at him clearly. Studying every bit of his face. You didn't notice how close he was getting to your face, just a few inches apart, enough for your nose to brush together.

"Can I kiss you?"

You nod, shutting your eyes waiting for him to come closer. And you felt it, his lips pressing against yours, as he started to move, so did you, wrapping your arms around his neck to deepen the kiss. It was heart fluttering, your first dance and your first kiss all in one night. It was ethereal, it felt like a dream having to feel this moment.

You pulled away, lips feeling numb. Foreheads pressed together, laughing together. You two were absolutely lovesick.

You wanted this to last forever.

=

And of course, the universe won't always let things last.

⚽: Nationals time

⚽: Wish me luck<3

Sunwoo sends the text, waiting for the indicator that tells him if you have read the text. You must be asleep, he says to himself, turning off his phone and keeping it inside his locker.

Running out to the field as he gets ready for the game. While being clueless about your situation.

Sunwoo wins his game. You knew that, you knew he could do it. While Sunwoo happily jumps and shouts with his team after winning, holding the trophy for their victory, he can't forget about you. He dedicates this win to you, as he promised himself that he'll confess and ask you to be his girlfriend, you were really his biggest prize.

⚽: Y/N LOOK

⚽: *inserts photo*

⚽: WE WON

⚽: It's ok, you might be asleep

⚽: I'm coming over, yeah?

⚽: We could celebrate together

He arrives at your place, flowers in one hand, sporting a wide grin. But his excited smile slowly disappears when he sees your parents to be the one who answered the door, a gloomy look on their faces.

Your mother just hugged him, sobbing into his shoulder, dropping the flowers onto the concrete. His heart sinks.

What happened?

"I am so sorry sunwoo."

No, he didn't want to hear it.

This is not true, it has to be a joke, he must be dreaming. He wants this to end, he wants to wake up. He wants to see you, he wants to be with you. He still has so much he wanted to do with you, he planned so many things, he wanted to go to college with you, he wants to start a family with you, he wants to spend the rest of his life with you—

"She's gone."

But it's true.

Sunwoo stood there, somehow he felt numb, he didn't feel like crying. No tears were threatening to spill, he didn't feel…..sad, instead he was left with an empty feeling.

He went home that night, a tight feeling in his chest. But as soon as his head lay on his pillow, tears started to prick his eyes. He starts to sob with an empty feeling. No emotions at all, mind still processing what had happened.

You had surgery during his game. A liver transplant that gave you hope of having a future.

And while he was winning his battles, you were starting to lose yours.

=

Months later.

Sunwoo is healing, well, sort of. He got into his dream college, a varsity in soccer.

A girlfriend?

No, he isn't ready to let go yet.

One day, he unexpectedly gets a letter. It was stuffed inside the package his mom sent to him.

It was from...you?

It was strange— still, Sunwoo opened the letter.

Hey!

If you received this letter, then… you know what happened. I am sorry for not telling you. I know today is your big game so I didn't want to make you worried that you'll end up doing bad and end up not winning, which I know you did win because you are you. So I'm just gonna write you a letter.

I appreciated everything you have done for me, I loved every single one of it. I especially remember the time on that hill, the place where I had my first dance and first kiss. You remembered everything I said I wanted to do and you ended up making it a dream come true. So thank you, for fulfilling my wishes.

And I am probably a coward for doing this but, I like you kim sunwoo, wait no, I love you. A very strong word but it's true! I love you so so so much, you really made my life even better, I am glad to have met you, I am glad that I sent that letter, and I am glad you accepted it.

I have never been so happy in my life and that's all because of you. I can rest in peace knowing I have no regrets whatsoever.

And don't hold yourself for me yeah? If you do, I will personally come and slap some sense into you. Move on, I'll always be here beside you. But of course don't forget about me

In the past few months, Sunwoo has never cried this hard. Tears were overflowing, his face buried inside the sleeve of his hoodie. He hated it, he hated you for leaving him, he hated you for leaving so soon, for leaving without saying goodbye.

He didn't want to say goodbye. He didn't want to let go, but knowing that if you could, you would be slapping him and telling him to get over it.

In just almost a year he felt like he was gonna have the best time of his life, and he thought he would be sharing it with you. But in the end, the universe refused to give a happy ending.

---