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october 2nd - time ;

now i know it's my hormones going crazy. i'm grown so i know better than to listen to anything spawned from day three of a period. however, it is hard not to feel insane putting plans in motion to try for an undergrad in my thirties. even more so dreaming about going further. but my brain keeps falling into traps. how old will i be when all is said and done? what sort of career will i even be able to get? what if it is all just a waste of time? god im so stupid for wasting my twenties. i should have fought harder sooner. etc etc etc. i've been repeating a quote over and over again recently and my partner has brought it up too:

❝ don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of doing it. the time will pass anyway; we might as well put that passing time to good use. ❞ - Earl Nightingale

and now more than ever, i know i need to spend it working towards something i believe in. something i feel is bigger than myself. i do believe ecology is where i'm meant to be. i can see myself doing good work. i can see myself actually being a small part of the solutions our world needs - instead of a hopeless, passive observer doom scrolling the day away. actually wasting my life 'excelling' at jobs that will never go anywhere, or bring me satisfaction.

i just have to do it. keep making the hard steps forward and eventually it will be second nature. i'm older so i'll use my failures in past academic forays to be smarter this time around (i hope).

i can't let myself continue to rot. i can't give myself that option. i wont.