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YEAH BABES YOU GO GIRL !!! ONE DAY LATE BUT IDC I STILL ATE IT UP

erase me. ミ yj 🌪

synopsis: yeonjun finally finds y/n a year after she pushed him away. she doesn’t want to risk her life anymore, but he’s convinced he can protect her.

pairing: yeonjun x reader

word count: 5.3k

warnings: swearing, gangs, mentions of alcohol, drugs and injuries, sexy yeonjun, barely edited

a/n: first fic ehe. i think this can be read as any gender?? tell me if it cant be <3 

Listen Now!

why am i awake? i look down at my dangling feet and notice there’s loose nails on the floor and the strange taste of rum and soot on my tongue. the floor creaks under my feet as i approach my mirror. it’s dirty, and all i see is skin, underwear, a stained shirt and slippers. my day will go silent with nobody to think about but myself. people knew me, but they don’t know me. and i hope nobody who did comes back.

at least the apartments clean. i took all of sunday scrubbing each and every nook and cranny to make it sparkling. i knew how to hide or clean my own traces too well, and as i poor the cold caffeine into the tin sink i shake the thoughts away. another drug to get addicted to. everyday i felt myself fading but felt the scars worsening. literally. after showers and getting changed there was always the long vertical scar haunting my peripheral vision and more on my arms and legs as well, probably plenty in my lungs and stomach as well. glancing at the dimly light clock i’m surprised that i’ve been able to wake up and stay up at 12:14. why am i awake? suddenly, a creep of suspicion erupts in the depths of myself and i stay still. the curtains in the living room sway in the midnight breeze, but it’s not quiet enough. slowly, i turn around a grab the biggest knife from the knife block and wait.

“here’s your coffee, m'lady,” kai winked at me as I accepted the warm caffeine. only a second ago, kai and beomgyu were hitting and grunting at the old coffee machine, before cheering when it finally spurt out the brown liquid. just as i took my first sip, yeonjun emerged from the steam filled bathroom, aggresively drying his hair with a blue towel. he was wearing a white tank top and red sweat pants, a regular outfit for the man. at this point, yeonjun and i were just friends, atleast to the others. but the unspoken likeness, the glances, the nearly telepathic connection, jokes and touches that went between us spoke otherwise. he smiled at me as i peered at him over my mug. “ew, can you guys like stop,” kai commented, bringing me out of the staring contest. my cheeks go rose tinted before i down the last gulp, stomach aching in the motion. the machine worked, but only for so long. “this stupid thing.” “having trouble again?”  i watched him and his muscles smack the machine, and in only one hit it was working. that was his specialty, making things work out when it doesn’t. he glanced at me, probably picking up that i was in pain again, before heading to his and taehyun, my brother’s, room. my brother and my secret lover were roomed for all of our teenage years and it sucked. everything sucked. my stomach ached and scarred every other week, my ribs felt like they were knifing at my lungs every breath in. but it was expected seeing as what my ‘job’ was. everyone hurt. "i wish i could fix your injuries like i fix everything.” “you can kiss them better, if you’d like?”

there’s a knock and a rip of dread topples down onto me and my shoulders. i can’t let that effect me too much if i’m about to send away the person i loved the most. slowly i creep up to the door and peer through the peephole. in all of his glory, yeonjun is tirelessly waiting for my arrival. his hairs barely blue now, his natural dark brown over taking the dye perfectly. there’s a new scar on his nose, and his skin still seems rough. he’s in a white tank top and red sweatpants. he still looks good.

“go away.” i warn through the door, his eyes light up in desperation and he suddenly attaches himself to the door.

“y/n? is that you?” i can’t see much now that he’s blocking a majority of the peep hole, but i can hear uncut nails grasping at the doorknob. it felt wrong only being a door away from him. i look at the knife in my hands and twist it in my grasp. “i said go away.”

“y/n, we need to talk- everything’s going wrong. please.” he plants his forehead just above the peep hole. there’s bags under his eyes, and his lips are chapped. i know i’ll regret it, but i sigh and open the door, but only enough so the dim illumination from the hallway creates a sliver of light in my entryway. he looks at me immediately and smiles, before i shove it open completely and hastily. i seemed to have gotten angry at myself, and him, so i advance forward.

yeonjun stumbles and backs away immediately, holding his hands up with a shocked expression, a hint of relief in his eyes. he’s pinned against the wall now and the knife in my hand is dangerously close to his throat, his adam’s apple scraps it in a gulp. i’m sure i don’t look the best as it’s the middle of the night and the only thing i have on is a baggy shirt and slippers, but his eyes wander over me anyways. i beg we don’t wake up my neighbours.

“y/n. it’s you.”

it was another drinking night and the boys had decided to play 7 minutes of truth. a spin off to 7 minutes in heaven and truth or dare. and yeonjun was the only one i hadn’t done it with, so obviously i chose him to spend 7 minutes with spilling our truths. we retreated to my room while the rest drank and laughed waiting for us. i sat on my bed and smiled at him, the dim light in the middle of the ceiling lighting us was just enough to see each other. he sits beside me, both of our legs hanging off the side of the single bed. “so. spill.”

“really? no foreplay or anything?” he chuckled making me smile. whenever he was happy i was happy.

“foreplay? come on choi. i think we both know i don’t do that.” he laughed again.

“but there’s nothing you don’t know about me… except one thing.” he smirked and i inched closer as if he was going to tell me a life changing secret. he was going to, but i didn’t know it at the time. “i like someone.” i was taken aback, nearly laughing. i liked him then, a lot, but acting clueless and innocent was better than showing jealousy. he tilted his head and the odd action made me ‘cluelessly’ ask who it is. “are you being serious? y/n. it’s you.”

“how did you find me?” i practically wipe the smile off his face when i press the knife onto his neck with increasing pressure.

“well i’ve known that you live here for a while but i was scared that this would happen-“

“you knew?? how??”

“uh- i posed as an officer and asked every landlord in the area who the tenants were-“

“but how did you know i was here”

“you can’t be the only one angry okay? it’s the first time i’ve seen you in a year and you’ve got a knife to my neck.” he complains through gritted teeth, but lets out a sigh when i place the knife back at my side. “thank you.”

to be honest, it was relieving. someone had finally found me and it wasn’t a nobody, but him. every night since i started working for my brother and his gang, i had nightmares. and every night after i told yeonjun about them, he helped me fall asleep. every injury i had to endure was only as half as bad as they were when he was around. but after i left, my nights were fuelled with terrors and pain. and seeing him again made me pain free yet paralysed. he put me in danger and fixed it after. that’s what hyuka told me. but i would never tell yeonjun that he said that to me, or that i believed it.

“leave.” i warn once more, backing away to retreat back to my apartment. a small wave of tears creep up into my eyes before yeonjun grabs my wrist and pulls me back. immediately i wrench it back and give him a glare that he’s probably all too familiar with, my hair falls into one of my eyes. “i said leave. i don’t need you.”

“don’t you? look at your apartment.” he nodded over your shoulder, rubbing the front of his neck. i know what he means. the floorboards are lifting and sinking, there’s little to no furniture and none of the doors inside the apartment have locks, just a hole in place of where a doorknob would be. the ceilings are dripping into some buckets i’ve placed down, and i realise no matter how hard i scrub this place will always be a shithole. i take a moment to collect myself before i start crying, yelling, or even worse, start saying i’m sorry. only now do i notice the messiness of his hair and red red of his eyes. he scrunches his nose only for a second and i can only assume it’s because of his stressed posture mixing with an injury. i don’t feel bad.

“why couldn’t you leave me alone to live my life?” i sigh, lowering my voice and shrugging as much anxiety as i could off my shoulder. “the one i’m living right now is much better than gang wars, drinking every night and risking my life for drugs and money. i don’t know if you’ve noticed,” i point at his obviously wrapped stomach under his tank, “but it’s too dangerous to consider it for a living.”

he sighs, thinking about what to say. “because i can’t live without you. y/n, you were my whole life. the reason i did what we did. and i can confidently say that you felt the same. or at least i thought you did, before you left all of us to rot.”

his harsh words trigger me enough for one tear to fall, but it wasn’t for sadness, but for anger.

“why couldn’t you just forget me? why couldn’t you just erase me?”

“because you’re you! you’re not a memory, y/n. i can’t just get rid of you like that. that’s the case for everyone. beomgyu, hyuka, even soobin misses you. not to mention your brother.”

taehyun. the day i left, yeonjun and taehyun were the last to see me. blazes of fire taller than a house crashed around us as they tried to catch up to me. i was always faster than them, but they were nearly catching up to me then. my name was echoed, yeonjuns scream filled with wet anger, taehyuns flat and dry. yeonjun thought i would come back, but taehyun knew. he knew i was finally scared enough to wake up.

“why should i care what he feels. he let me run. you did to.”

“you let yourself run! you ran with no reason—“

“no reason!? you know damn well that i had finally woken up to myself, that i finally knew that if i stayed i would die. i was already in the ER every other month.”

he tries to advance forward and past me, as if inviting himself into my apartment but i cut him short and push him further away, he nearly slams again the hallway wall and he winces. i can see the outline of bandages around his waist under his tight tank, but the usual guilt, pity or empathy that would’ve shown a year ago disappears. yeonjun looks at me as if i’m a monster, like he was surprised.

“i felt in danger every second i was with you guys. i was afraid the times i went to visit my sister that it would be the last. that i could be taking my last steps, thoughts, actions and breaths at any moment. yes, yeonjun, you made me feel alive but that doesn’t change the fact i could’ve died at any given moment. cleaning up after your dirty jobs was sickening and shameful and every time i have a nightmare about soobin or beomgyu getting kidnapped again i feel dirty. i wake up and take hour long showers just to try and forget. to try and forget everything! you included.”

he’s silent for a moment before my neighbour emerges, shushing us with a smoke in his mouth.

reluctantly i pull him into the apartment. but just because the location has changed doesn’t mean my anger has, neither my tears.

i doubt myself, “i’ve said to much-“ and yeonjun doesn’t even let me lock my door before he starts arguing with me again.

“so you never even thought of coming back? never thought of wanting us, again?”

“i knew i’d crash i didn’t let you go. i loved you yeonjun,” he winces at my words, “i never loved what we did.”

and he’s silent.

he seems to finally understand me just like he used to. he’s now sat on my couch as i stand in front of him with my arms crossed. the curtains are still dancing and the floors still creak, the ceiling still drips. the only difference is that my present has now crossed paths with my past. he’s biting on the inside of his cheek as he stays lost in thought, before quickly leaning on his knees and rubbing his eyes. i don’t let my vision leave him, and not because of what he’s wearing but because i’m afraid he’ll pull some shit out of his ass and call it an apology.

“you’re still beautiful.” the compliment is sudden but real, i can hear it in his voice but i don’t reply straight away. “i mean it.”

“i know you do. and trust me when i say i mean this as well, you sitting on my couch is not an invitation for an apology or conversation. you’ll leave after the smell of smoke is gone from the vents. i’m not talking to you anymore.”

he stares up at me. disappointment, sadness, love. too many emotions mix with his irises to count.

“then i’ll talk to you. just so you know, taehyun is drinking 24/7, kai’s locked himself in his room, soobin has gotten us into trouble which has led to beomgyu going missing, again. to be honest, i’ve been thinking he’s come to you seeing as you were close. but now i know he hasn’t. maybe he was smarter than me and knew you wanted nothing to do with us.” i nod and he bits his lip, “and we’ve gotten threats. blackmail. and… the people threatening us don’t seem to know you’ve been gone for a year. they know shit about you as well. i came here to see you but also to protect you, warn you. but also, to ask you to come back. now i know that’s stupid but you’re the only one who could bring us back seeing as you’re the one who broke us apart. i’ll protect you. if i can. huening kai’s still depressed, keeps saying he’s the reason you left, so i’ll probably have to take his jobs. but you don’t have to fight, you can just clean up after us or- we could keep you at home and you could talk to us through the ear pieces instead of beomgyu since he’s missing or-… basically what i’m saying is that, we… i, need your help.” his eyes plead, he stands up and comes close to me, and his words seem desperate, truthful. he’s warm and nervous. his hands twitch to hold me.

and suddenly, i feel bad.