Social Stuff - Tumblr Posts
"I don't think I could have the relationship with you that you have with me," she said. She was very casual about it, and I was immediately on the defensive.
"What do you mean by that?" I asked.
She put the book she'd been reading down. "It's just, the way you've described it, and the vibe that I get, I don't think I could do it how you do it."
"I still don't know what that means," I said.
"You're always doing this like ... micro calculation thing," she said. "You weigh your words. You try to time things. You have never once called me up while I was at work, or asked me for something when it was inconvenient for me, and you check and double check that you're not being a nuisance."
"And ... that's bad?" I asked.
"No, I love that about you," she said. "It's very kind and considerate. I know that if I tell you I'm not in the mood to hang out, you'll apologize and not push it. If you suggest that we get pizza and I say I'd rather have Korean BBQ, you fold instantly and we get Korean BBQ. I like that. I get the things I want. But it seems like an exhausting way to deal with people."
"I want you to be happy," I said with a small voice.
"I am happy," she replied. "You're great. You remember when we first got together I was like 'hey, look, if you want pizza, we can get pizza, it's just not what I'm in the mood for', and you kept insisting that you didn't care, that you would rather have me follow my needs? And I just thought, 'you know, maybe I should just trust that's what they actually feel'. And it is, as far as I can tell. There's not some secret part of you that wants me to break your way."
"You think I'm ... a simpering coward?" I asked. Even as I said it, it felt too accusatory, the wrong thing to say in the situation.
"Whoa, no, not at all," she laughed. "I think you do all that stuff because ... I don't know, you want to? Because otherwise why would you do it? It's how you are with every aspect of your life, you're a tryhard. I mean you said to me that you wanted to reclaim the term. Your relationship with me is that you're a tryhard (affectionate)."
"And you're ... not?" I asked.
"I'm not that way with anyone," she replied. "You know why I hang out with you so much? It's 'cause I like you. Most days, I am very much in the mood for you, and if you ask for a meetup, I'll say yes, and if you don't ask for one, then I'll ask you first. And for you ..."
"What?" I asked.
"It's like ... you're keeping track," she said. "You want to make sure that you're not sending me more messages than I'm sending you. You're balancing social micro stuff that I don't pay attention to. You're consciously monitoring how much each of us has said and making sure it's the right number of words or whatever."
"It's really not about the number of words," I replied. "It's more ... making sure that social and emotional labor is equitable, that there's a good rhythm to the conversation. I don't think you'd get good results by tracking word count."
"But see, I don't do any of that," she said. "I talk because I feel like talking. I listen when you need to vent because I like you and it feels good to give you an outlet. I mean you are undoubtedly putting in a bunch of work, and for me, there's no work. That's all I meant, really."
"You've thought about it," I said.
"Oh, I'm just reading this book, and there are two characters like us in it, and I was like 'yes, exactly', and then 'that would not work for me'." She shrugged.
"And if I stopped 'putting in the work'?" I asked. "Would we still be ... friends?"
"See, I don't know," she said. "Because that's never who you've been. You're asking me if I would still be friends with you if you changed your personality and how we interact with each other. Maybe? Probably? Who knows? Maybe we'd be better friends somehow. Maybe we're just two basically compatible people, and every time you've ever worried about anything it would actually have been completely fine."
"Or maybe it's load-bearing," I said.
"Maybe!" she replied with a smile that slowly faded. "You okay?"
"I'm thinking," I said. I didn't know if I could verbalize what I was thinking in a way that would be palatable.
"Do you not like being this way with me?" she asked. "Because I have never asked you to. I've made my preferences known, but if you've been bending yourself into knots and feeling a burden, then ..."
"No," I said, because I knew it was what she wanted to hear. "No, I like the way things are between us."
"Good," she smiled. "I do too."
I am kind of stunned. I mostly classify myself as introverted even though I like being social, but this. This is me. I hit every point.
Extroverted Introverts: Ten things to know
Also known as an ambivert, an extroverted introvert is someone who exhibits qualities of both introversion and extroversion.
1. Their spot on the spectrum changes with their environment.
Your ambivert friend may be loud and gregarious around their family, but quiet and thoughtful at the office. Seeing them in both situations may feel like meeting two entirely different people.
2. Talking to strangers is fine – but don’t expect them to keep it to small talk.
Although an ambivert can hold up their end of a conversation, talking about the weather will not be enough to engage them. Their social energy is limited enough that they won’t want to waste it on meaningless chatter. They will likely push the conversation into deeper territory or bow out entirely.
3. They like to be alone – they don’t like to be lonely.
There is a big difference between the two. Choosing to sit at home with a tub of ice cream and a book feels fantastic. Sitting at home because nobody called them back feels sad and lame.
4. Getting them out of the house can be a challenge.
If you catch your friend on a highly introverted day, you may just be better off leaving them at home. They might manage to be social, but they’ll just be thinking about their books and their couch the whole time.
5. If they’re new, you can find them in the back of the room.
An introverted extrovert will approach new situations with cautious excitement. If they know someone in the group, they will likely cling to them a bit as they become comfortable. If they do not, they might waver on the edge of the crowd, slowly getting used to the water rather than jumping in all at once.
6. They’re selectively social.
They don’t mean to be snobs. They just have limited social energy and prefer interacting one-on-one or in small groups. For this reason, they can only afford to invest their social time and energy in those who they feel truly connected to.
7. Making friends is easy. Keeping them is hard.
They like talking to people, but they value their alone-time, as well. This can make maintaining a friendship tricky. If your ambivert friend makes an effort to consistently invest time and energy in your friendship, be glad. You are truly special to them.
8. Their social desires change with the breeze.
They might be desperate to hang out with you on Friday, but then not answer your call on Saturday. They’re not mad at you. They’re just super comfortable in bed watching films.
9. They can talk to you for hours.
If you manage to catch them in a one-on-one situation, an extroverted introvert will just not shut up. Once their interest is engaged, there’s no stopping them.
10. Listening is great too, though.
Sometimes they want to be a part of the action, but their social energy levels are too low for them to contribute in a meaningful way. Listening allows them to get to know you without burning up their social fuel. They also know its value from their chattier moments when they are desperate for an ear.
i dont get offended at white people jokes even though im white because:
i can recognize white people as a whole have systemically oppressed POC in america, which is where i live
most people when they make white people jokes only mean the shitty white people and i am not a shitty white person
im not a pissbaby
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i dont get offended at white people jokes even though im white because:
i can recognize white people as a whole have systemically oppressed POC in america, which is where i live
most people when they make white people jokes only mean the shitty white people and i am not a shitty white person
im not a pissbaby