(sorry If I Rambled A Bit Too Much I Talk A Lot Hehe) - Tumblr Posts
Bro I can't express how much it makes me wanna scream. This poor man literally went his whole life wondering wtf was wrong with him, why his life made such little sense, and he dug into every little thing he could find to explain it all and help him just.. understand, for once. Only to learn that he IS the very thing he's been studying relentlessly for YEARS. His life doesn't make any sense, because it wasn't HIS LIFE to begin with. He stole someone else's life without even knowing it, a CHILD for that matter, and he hasn't even done much good with it- he only ever drives people away, and hurts those who get too close. And he can't even escape that gut-wrenching guilt and self-hatred, can't neutralize the threat of himself, because he PHYSICALLY is INCAPABLE OF DYING. It's a miserable, hopeless experience, and a downright horrific and depressing concept.
And also, the idea that once he loses his form at all, he may never go back to normal??? Like.. think about that; maintaining an entire human form with nothing but your own will and consciousness? That has to be SOOOO difficult and mentally taxing. He has to be aware of every little aspect of his body, holding every pice together. I think the only way he blended in just as well as he did, because of him being unaware of his true nature. He truly believed he was human, and that made it easier to slip into the role, both mentally and physically. Now that he knows, he's hyper aware of his body, of just how close he is to collapsing in on himself at every waking moment. Who's to say he'll even be able to remember everything about himself well enough to recreate it exactly how it should be? He's the only him there is, now- there's no one to mimic except for pictures of himself. That has to be so disturbing and terrifying for him, the idea that at the drop of a hat, he could lose his entire identity forever.
I think about him so fucking much dude, this guy has consumed my entire brain- I can't think of anything except for his extreme existentialism and my desperate desire for Jonah to live and him, Sarah and Eve to help Adam through this. Also despairduo. Thatcher and Adam make me so fucking sad ugghhhhh T^T
I would say more, a hell of a lot more actually, but I probably need to stop cuz I'm in the middle of a zoom call and supposed to be paying attention lmao-
words cannot describe how much adam's identity as an alternate fucks me up no matter how many thinkpieces i make on the matter. how does it feel to have your life be built on lies and false memories, adam? how does it feel knowing you stole away the life of a helpless, lonely child, adam? how does it feel knowing that not even your name is your own, "adam"? how does it feel to be one of the monsters that you despise, that terrorize your loved ones? how does it feel knowing that you were the biggest undetected threat to people you care about? how does it feel knowing you've hurt them and might continue hurting them for that reason? how does it feel knowing you could bring it all down on a whim and no one could save them?
do you even feel?