Stesh Talking - Tumblr Posts

UPDATE

Hey, guys! I hope that you are all well. 

It's been a long time since I've written anything, have I? Well, this is a small update for those who care about me and my blogs. 

Why I've been missing for such a long time? The thing is, this year I'm graduating from university. It was a long five and a half years of study and the last half of the year I wrote my graduation work. I have devoted myself to this, because I am very worried about it. From the very first day of work on mygraduation work, I realized that in comparison to others mine is very simple and not serious. So I was very worried and literally didn’t sleep for days from stress at times. These months were the most nerve-wracking of my life, and in such a short time my mental health (which is already not the best) was destroyed completly. I’m a husk.

Why there are no artworks since November 5? November 5th was my best friend's birthday and I drew this picture to him as a gift. It's the only normal art I've done in this period. I gave up drawing while writing my diploma so as not to be distracted by extraneous matters.

So... no more art?  I'll get back to drawing as soon as I graduate. I have many plans and ideas, including a lot of fan art, 3D models and even preparation for my first participation in the art fair.

When? January 28th. The moment of truth. The day when it all ends. My catharsis.

Thank you for sticking with me despite all of that. 

I dont care how many followers I'll lose over this one or how much shit I'll get, i need to get this stuff out of the system.

I'm so sick of seeing some fandoms that I'm following here being filled with nothing but so called "au" stuff. And they are not good or making any goddamn sense either. It's so bad at this point, that there is no "canon" related stuff anymore.

Here goes another round of unsubscribing I guess

New Year resolutions (art and non-art)

It's 2024 for me already, and with the arrival of it, there is also a new list of goals that I want to achieve in the new year. This post is a kind of promise and a reminder to myself, with a look back and a look into the future.

Warning - may contain many grammar mistakes, since English is not my first language and I'm emotional about all of this. Also, there is a lot of text, haha.

Be free to read it of you want, there are some art related stuff and self reflection. Maybe someone will find something relatable here, since I had (and still have)... a lot of self doubt and problems, but I began to overcome them, from physical appearance to mental stuff. This also can be your another warning if you are triggered by any of this.

I'll start by mentioning what I need to overcome in order to become better in any area. I have to overcome my laziness, procrastination, and self-pity. All three things are in step with each other, so the goal will be the same for all: I will prevail over this. Not "I will do my best" or "take the first steps in this battle", but only one thing: I will overcome those things, and I will win battles with them every single day in any field: gym and training, reading and drawing. Eternal self-pity only exacerbates already overgrown laziness and procrastination by masquerading as this idiotic and often misapplied "Don't overwork yourself and take breaks to avoid burnout." Only constant development only growth

I'm going to beat my laziness every day.

I'm going to step over my "I don't want to, I won't do this" and do what I have to do to be a better version of myself every single day.

Now let's get into the specifics. 

1. This year (2024) and beyond, from the very first day of it, I will exercise and work out to the maximum (in the gym and at home), eat right, give up sugar in any form, give up flour based products. I will go to the gym three times a week, and the other 4 days I will work out at home.

I actually started going to the gym this year (2023), but… it was all in vain because of the previously mentioned laziness, procrastination, and self-pity. I often skipped gym because I was "not feeling it today" or "ouch, my head\tummy\left buttcheek hurts". I also broke the diet many, MANY times, and in the end, I ruined my progress and actually gained weight and excessive fat on my legs (it's a hard topic for me, so it is a big deal). So fuck me for being a pussy and lazy bitch; this time I'm not going to go down this road because I need to get in better physical shape for my mental health, and for another reason that I'll not mention, since… I really do not believe that I will ever achieve it. But we will see.

2. This year (2024) and beyond, from the very first day of it, I will read every single day 50 pages minimum.

So, this might sound like it came out of nowhere, but I actually suck at finishing my books—hell, even STARTING to read them. I buy them thinking that I'll read them, but in the end, I do not. I currently have 3 unfinished classic literature (classics of my country and world literature) and at least 7 books about culture and art (more like guides and textbooks for writers, artists, etc.). And guess what? HAVEN'T READ ANY OF THEM. 

I want to read more, learn more, and actually put my knowledge to use. And really become a more well-read person with a broad outlook.

3. This year (2024) and beyond, from the very first day of it, I will draw every single day, work on my art style and work on traditional artwork, as well as work everyday on at least one of my projects that I have (like writing a script, lore for the characters or the world, etc).

I believe at this point it doesn't need any more explanation except for some things. I actually have 5 projects that have a decent cast of characters and a story kinda sroted out, but the thing is, the story and lore don't actually have any consistency, are unfinished, and have a lot of plotholes in them (one of the projects doesn't even have a story figured out yet, sheesh). So I will work on those projects in every single aspect and flesh them out.

I also have 2 projects that are not just random ideas, but I really want to make them too, so I'll work on them as well.

Another thing - traditional art. So, I really love watercolor, and I want to learn how to work with it. I want to start making art with it, probably some covers for my projects or just commissions (only local, yet). So I will work on my watercolor skills as well as traditional artwork in general.

Those are my super-duper main goals for this Year and beyond, but... some parts sound a little sad, like me failing the gym this (2023) year and all that. Well, yes, it does. 

It's actually showed me that I'm weak in my spirit when it comes to myself only. For my whole life, I actually power through every obstacle and shit thrown at me, but only as long as it actually might affect others in some way. For example, when I started Uni, if it wasn't for the aweful stuff that my family was going through at the time, I would've just sailed through Uni on the lowest scores possible for graduation, since I don't give one shit about engineering and physics (yeah, I'm a design engineer) and I actually hate it with all my guts. But I not only forced myself to understand all of this but actually started working in the field early, and from the very first semester (and for every single one until graduation), I was paid a monthly stipend for acing my classes to provide financial support for my family.

But since I have... let's say, A LOT, of self hate in different aspects of my life and me in general, I don't prioritize myself when something involves only me. 

Like gym.

It's for me and me only, but since I think that I dont deserve it, or need it really, or the money or the time that go to gym can be used for someone or something else, like family needs (despite the fact that I'm financialy comfortable with covering gym and all fam needs), I just shut myself and do jack shit. You get the idea. I hope.

So yeah, this year showed me that I'm weak in that department and need to grow a backbone to lift myself, to become better and to beat the shit out of my pathetic weak-willed, lazy dumb ass to become better. It will be hard, to achieve all of the above, but guess what?

I will do it.

I will power through any obstacle, I will step over myself in order to achieve what I want, even of it means stepping out of my comfort zone and pour more blood, sweat and tears into it. Because that's the only way that it can be achieved.

So I want to end this (yet another) schizo break with the small letter to myself:

Stop bitching. Stop crying every day about something that you know is not true or about something that you know doesn't exist. Stop creating troubles and phantom problems to serve as your excuse. It's pathetic, and you are pathetic if you give in to your own illusion, your laziness, and self-made promises that you know you won't hold.

You won't achieve anything by doing nothing. Life won't magically get better. You won't magically get better at anything if you do not actually put anything into it or give up at the start, halfway through, or at any point of your journey.

You can do it, I know you can. YOU know you can. It will be difficult, but since when was anything easy for you to achieve? I saw you work hard to make your family proud and to make things better for them as best you could. Now it is time to do the same for yourself. Don't give into temptations, lies, and illusions that all of this is for nothing. Even if one of your goals is not achieved because of it, you have others that I know for a fact will be achieved. Don't give up. Stay strong and true to yourself.

You got this.