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What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums This Year?

Barry Petchesky

As in past years, the Sun Sentinel has created a searchable database of emergency room visits around the country. And as in past years, we have trolled the data for the finest examples of insertions showcasing extraordinarily bad luck and/or ingenuity.

Sorted by orifice, working south:

Ear: KEY BUTTON HOT WAX PLASTIC DART PIECE OF PAPER "TOOTHPICK AND THEN HAIRPIN" WOOD SCREWDRIVER PLASTIC DRINKING STRAW ERASER FLY RUBBER BAND KNIFE

Nose: DIXIE CUP HAIR BARRETT "TWO KITCHEN MAGNETS IN EACH NOSTRIL" COLORING PENCIL NICKEL WAD OF TOILET TISSUE MARDI GRAS BEAD SMALL TOY PIECE OF PLASTIC HANGER PICK-UP STICK "BB PELLETS WHILE TRYING A MAGIC TRICK" SCREW STICKER CRUCIFIX BATTERY TOY DIAMOND "A PENNY OR POPCORN IN NOSE, SEEMS BOTHERED"

Throat: LEMON SEED MAXI PAD CHECKER THIMBLE THUMBTACK BUTTERFLY PLASTIC TOY GUN STAPLE KEYCHAIN RING NAIL MODEL TOY AIRPLANE

Penis: SPOON PLASTIC ZIP TIE FORKS ORNAMENT "PIECE OF TIMBER" PEN SODA CAN POP TOP

Vagina: BEDPOST "WAS DARED TO PUT A COSMETICS BOTTLE IN VAGINA" TOY MICROPHONE STAND SPOON "COCK RING THAT BECAME DISLODGED" METAL BAR 2 SPONGES PIECE OF BASKETBALL SHORTS SEWING NEEDLES "PATIENT STATES SHE SLIPPED & FELL ONTO A TOY TRUCK WHILE CLEANING" HAIRSPRAY CAP TUB STOPPER "12YOF GOING THROUGH MOM'S DRAWER, FOUND PENIS SHAPED 'PLEASURE ITEM,' EXPERIMENTING PUTTING IN HER VAGINA, COULDN'T GET OUT"

Rectum: FRENCH BREAD HAND WRENCH CIGARETTE LIGHTER CRAYON "STUCK TOY IN RECTUM AND BROKE OFF, SAW MOM INSERT TAMPON AND MIMICKED" VIAL OF BATH SALTS ARTIFICIAL CHRISTMAS TREE BRANCH DRUM STICK VINEGAR BOTTLE LOTION BOTTLE MOUTHWASH BOTTLE SHAMPOO BOTTLE BABY BOTTLE "LOOFA W/SUCTION CUP W/HOOK ATTACHED"