THE HE WAS ALONE - Tumblr Posts

⊱ i need him back ; hanma shuji x reader

warning: hurt no comfort, major character death, descriptions of death and grief, descriptions of kisaki's death, petnames (babe), lots of blood, descriptions of a dead body

summary: shuji just wants tetta back wc: ~1.7k

a/n: i like it sad and painful so here you go

minors dni // 18 +

A scream startled you out of a deep sleep.

It wasn’t the first time you were awoken like this and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. Especially this time of the year, it always happened more frequently, almost nightly. The way the skies grew darker and the snow fell, the way it swirled around in the wind and muffled every sound, covering everything in soft white. It all made his nightmares worse, made him remember more. 

“Shuji baby, it’s ok I’m right here.” You gently wrapped your arm around him, pulling him down into the warm bed. His body trembled, it trembled like this every single time. 

“S-sorry for wakin’ you, babe. I just…”

“I know. No need for sorries, 'k?” 

He tried to calm his breathing, tried to slow his racing heart, tried to focus on anything else. He settled his head into the pillows and stared up at the ceiling, focusing on the shadows cast by the moonlight reflecting off the snow. Snow that had been steadily drifting down from the sky all night, just like it had that day. He tried to calm his nerves, tried to settle into the warmth and reassurance of you, of your arm wrapped around him. 

Shuji closed his eyes, trying to fall back into sleep, but he couldn’t escape the memories: Kisaki bloody and broken in the middle of the road. How many years had it been? He lost track. No, he forced himself to lose track, he forced himself to stop counting the minutes, the hours, the days, the years. But there he was, every time he fucking closed his eyes, every single time. Blood had never bothered him, not until it was pouring from the person who had meant more than anything to him, that he would have killed anyone for, that he would have followed to the ends of the earth. 

“Shuji, baby, it’s ok.” Your whispered words dragged him back from the dizzying visions. “Wanna talk about it?” 

He always talked about it. How many times had he gone over it with you? Over and over and over. You must have been able to see it just as well as he did. The sickening images of his broken body, of the blood pooling around him, of the terrified look on his face.

But still, you sat with him and listened. No matter how many times he cried and yelled and screamed. No matter how drunk he was, no matter how angry, no matter how much of an absolute wreck he was. You always listened over and over, lightly touching him, pulling him close, letting him lose himself in your arms.

“He just…” Shuji couldn’t hold back his tears any longer. He always felt fucking weak, fucking pathetic, crying in your arms over the loss of his best friend. 

“I know, baby I know.” Sometimes it was all you could say. Tonight seemed to be one of those nights, and you felt useless. God what the hell could you say? ‘Shuji I know he’s gone but he loved you.’ ‘I know he’s gone but every moment you spent together was a moment he wasn’t alone, was a moment he was happy. You did that Shuji, you did that for him and he loved you.’ None of it would help though. None of it could ever bring Tetta back. 

“I was so close. Just around the corner. If I had just moved faster. If I had just -“ a sob stopped him mid-sentence. A sob that broke you, broke you every time. Every time you saw the invincible Hanma Shuji, the Reaper, the man with sin and punishment on his hands, cry hysterically. He loved Tetta and he was gone and that was it.

“He was so young. He wasn’t supposed to die. Not like this. Not like this.” Broken words between tears. “We were supposed to run Tokyo together. We were supposed to be on top. The two of us.”

You pulled him closer to you and placed a kiss on his head as he buried his face in your chest, trying to fight off the desperation to see him again, to see his smile, his laugh. He remembered the first time he made him laugh. A real laugh. Shuji had felt like he won a prize — finally accomplished something. Something more than beating faces in. Making a sad, lonely boy laugh. He secretly made it his mission to see him laugh every fucking day - every day for the rest of their lives. He failed. He fucking failed. And here he was in the arms of his lover, falling to pieces for the millionth time, dying to see Kisaki Tetta’s smile.

“He… he would have loved you. Ya know? He would have.” He nuzzled his face harder into your chest, like somehow the warmth and beat of your heart could make him forget Tetta was gone.

“I would have loved him too. I do love him.” You did, of course, how could you not?  He had made every single moment of the short time they spent together seem like yesterday. As if tomorrow you could walk into your living room to see them sitting on the couch laughing at some stupid joke. A joke you would never understand but you’d laugh anyway because they were happy. Because seeing them together was everything you wanted. It was what you dreamed about most nights - the man you loved and a man you had never met laughing with each other.

“I love him so much.” A choked whisper, muffled even further by the fabric of your shirt.

“He loved you.” You ran your fingers through his hair, you wished you could take his pain away, wished you could make him forget like he was desperate to. 

“I never told him. I never did.”

Why would he have though? They were young, they were too young to truly grasp exactly what they were doing - the repercussions of the fighting, the manipulation, the murder. They were too young to tell each other how much they cared. They were children and it had all ended too soon. 

“Sometimes…” his arms gripped you tighter. “Sometimes I wish it were me.” It wasn’t the first time he had expressed it, it wouldn’t be the last. And every single time you knew how much he meant it. How badly he wanted to switch places. How badly he wanted to be the one broken and dying in the middle of the street, confused and begging someone, anyone, to not let him die. To not let him die alone, die unloved, die scared. 

Every single emotion Tetta must have went through, every single thought as his pain drifted away and his body went numb, as his pleas for life fell silent on his lips, as his eyes, desperate to see anything more than the searing pain and fear, could find no one until his vision left him. Shuji wanted to go back and take them all away.

“Do you think he looked for me? Do you think he thought of me?” Another kiss on his head, thumb wiping away the tears. Tears that had completely soaked through your shirt.

“How could he have not thought of you?” You were certain, how could Tetta not have looked for the person he trusted, for the person who had stood by him? For the person who knew him better than anyone ever had? But fuck, fuck was it hard to hold Shuji’s trembling body and tell him 'your best friend looked for you as he lay dying.' Because that meant Tetta never found him, that meant Tetta had to go through it as he had gone through most of his life — alone and in pain. You knew Shuji knew. How could he not? The fear of death that had contorted Tetta's face had seared itself in Shuji’s mind.

“He looked for me.” Another sob, his body heaving. “He needed me. He fucking needed me and I was too busy fucking around with Draken to even think about him.”

“You couldn’t have -“

“No. I should have known. I should have fuckin’ known. I knew everything. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It wasn’t supposed to happen. His plans always worked one way or another. His plan was perfect. He wasn’t supposed to die.” Shuji's trembling worsened, his breathing became more labored, the words he spoke only making the pain harder to bare.

“Tetta was perfect. He was so fuckin’ smart. He didn’t need me like I needed him.” He said it louder than he wanted to. Words he kept to himself, words he hated to admit. How much he had needed Tetta, how much he still needed him years later. Shuji, even after all this time, still couldn’t see himself without Tetta, still couldn’t imagine his life alone.

“He could have been here with us right now. He could have. He should be. This is where he belongs. Not dead.” His grip tightened even more, to the point of pain, to the point that perhaps you could feel even the slightest amount of pain he felt. Maybe that was what he wanted, to push his pain onto you. A burden you would happily bear for Shuji. 

“He was baby, he was perfect and brilliant. I know.” Your own tears welled up, your own voice wavering.

“I want him back, I need him back.” He pulled away from you. Pulled away from the only comfort in his life. Pulled away and curled up in a ball, tucking his face into his knees.

You laid there and stared at the ceiling, giving him space but dying to comfort him more. Dying to wrap your arms around him and just fall back to sleep.

“This… this will hurt forever wont it? Being stuck here without him.” It would, it would always hurt. He would always see him like that, always see Kisaki Tetta’s twisted limbs, bloody face, wide eyed stare into nothingness, crumpled in the middle of the street as snow drifted down, as snow slowly began to cover everything. A death shroud. Snow would always be death to him now. Snow would always be pain and despair and death.

“He was alone. He was always alone.”

tags: @bxnten @virtue-and-beneviolence @tokyometronetwork @downtown-roponggi