This Is So Much Like My Own Experience - Tumblr Posts

My first pride month (sorry, there's a lot text here)

Last October, I started questioning my sexuality. I was (and still am, really) an insecure person. So when I started questioning that particular aspect of my personality, accompanying thoughts began to creep in: "Seriously? You are already 20! You never questioned yourself before, but right now decided to? Why? Got bored because of the large amount of free time? Have you forgotten, that you study at the university?! You must focus your thought on this, not that! Why don't you get back to the box, where you exist as a standard girl, who is confident at least in some parts of her identity? Where everything is more simple."

Summarize of my personal experience:

I got interested in R-rated content only because I thought that I was lagging behind the others: "Okay, my classmates got interested into all of this stuff 2 years ago. I guess I should too. That's what teens usually do, right?"

I had crushes (on fictional characters, celebrities and a few classmates), but it was more like an admiration, appreciation of their aesthetic beauty (like a sculpture or a painting) or love for their personality. And I never wanted to "bone" them. Seeing an image of a favourite character on a dakimakura was feeling like: "Oh, okay. I can see the creator's train of thoughts. I appreciate the quality of work. I don't mind other people wanting to buy something like that. But it's not something I would like to have. Seeing a character half-naked seems like I'm violating their personal space. Too intimate. I would rather have a pin or a poster." I am more into fluff. Also like the idea of being buddies with the favourite character and being happy for their happiness with someone else.

When I became an adult, I understood, that I never want to act flirty around guys, or anyone really. For me it feels out of character. And never want my body to be sexualized. Icky.

My view on relationship was either a "hopeless romantic" one, or a "trying to logically or mathematically figure out how relationship work" one. It took me time to believe that two people can barely know one another to "jump right to action" and/or to start dating. I saw that in movies, read about that in book, heard about that in real life, but couldn't believe it or accept it. Because I always thought that choosing a partner takes time and "the thing" is one of the ways to show them your love for them. Like a catharsis, a quintessence of love. Something special for someone special (I'm and idiot, I know).

However, I always saw these things as a prove that I just have a childish outlook on life. That I'm just a dumb kid, who tries to understand the world of adults. I wanted to understand, why I felt that my experience differed from the people who surrounded me; but I couldn't identify myself as ace because back then I knew only about demi and grey. I didn't know that this spectrum has more labels.

I've finally found the answer to my question. It feels releaving and scary at the same time. And yet I feel happy.

P.S. I want to say "thank you" to two of my friends in real life, who supported me, after I came out to them.