Trait Change - Tumblr Posts
TF Therapy: Ivan
“Walking has helped… I guess. After everything that’s happened, I can at least say the weather has been nice. Spring is right around the corner.” Ivan says adjusting his glasses. Though optimistic in wording, the tone Ivan conveyed still felt more somber.
Dr. Eric Chang nods, taking note of this. “Well exercise of any caliber can assist in many aspects of mental health. I’m glad you remembered that from out last session. However, I’m guessing you’re still feeling a bit out of sorts. Might I ask if you have anything specific on your mind?”
Ivan let out a long sigh as he looked down at his body. Large firm pecs centered between two powerful arms that were even bigger when flexed. A set of abs beside a tattoo he never even got. “It’s just the guilt doctor…I know that every time I walk down the street, talk to a person, or even look in the mirror… I’m just using something that doesn’t belong to me. I didn’t workout to get these muscles. I didn’t feel the pain getting this tattoo. I didn’t spend the hours needed to become a male model. I’m just using a collection of stolen parts… and I feel terrible.”
The doctor nodded solemnly placing his pencil and paper down. “I appreciate the self awareness you have to the scenario you are in Ivan. However, I fear you’re mistaken at a few parts. Namely. You did not steal anything. Let me ask you. Were you the one that created that myserious fog that passed through your small town?”
Ivan shook his head no.
“And were you the one that selected Mr. Bromare’s musculature to be added to your form?”
Ivan shook his head again.
“Or Mr. Mendacina’s racial features? Or Angelo Vera’s facial structure?”
“No…” Ivan replied tiredly.
“Correct. The legal definition for theft is the taking of another person’s property with the intent of depriving that person of it. You lack the intention behind such a crime. So I’ll ask that you not refer to yourself as a thief.” Dr. Chang requests.
A brief nod escapes Ivan’s head as he continues to look down and not meet the doctor’s eyes.
“Can you help me understand why you feel these moments of guilt? I understand that you experienced body dysphoria issues and a frustration with weight loss. Are these feelings grounded in fear? Insecurity?”
Ivan shrugs his broad shoulders. “I… I don’t know Doctor Chang. I don’t understand it all that well myself I guess. I feel guilty that I got all these good qualities for one. I know the people who examined me said the traits that were swapped between all the people were random, but I feel bad being one of the only lucky ones here. Not only that, the doctors tell me that these changes are permanent. Not just irreversible but permanent. So no matter how much I eat or don’t workout I’ll still have this same general form. Same goes for the others who can’t build their bodies back to what they once were. And here I am just reaping the benefits and i don’t deserve any of this. None of us do…”
“Thank you for sharing all of this with me Ivan. Changes as drastic as yours certainly carry their fair share of traumatic episodes. And the sensations you describe are very akin to survivor’s guilt… with another exception. All the people who were involved in the Trait Storm are still alive. Yes. Many of their standards of livings have changed. Yes we had to move everyone from your town to different cities to assist with a decontamination of the area. But no one was physically hurt by the exchanging of traits and attributes. I can assure you many I have mentioned today are seeking out therapy, while others are simply adapting to their new lives. The burden of responsibility here does not lie with you or your guilt, but of the individuals responsible. This is all to say the internal struggles many like yourself are going through, do not fall on your shoulders. Your feelings of guilt and inadequacy don’t serve them or any form of penance.”
The young man nods. “I… guess that makes sense… Logically I know it makes sense. I still can’t get the feelings to go away. And I hate myself for that. Like I hate myself and feel guilty and then I also hate myself for feeling guilty.”
Eric smiles. “As mentioned before, I appreciate your self awareness in this regard. That gives us a good starting point on how to approach your issue. Negative self talk can be a harmful and persistent challenge many face even out side of TF Therapy. However, there are a multitude of ways to tackle it. Mindfulness, meditation, and self-compassion. We actually have an entire book that covers self talk and how we communicate with ourselves. Would that be something you were interested in looking into?”
“I… I think it would be thank you.” Ivan says as Dr. Chang hands him a book. He takes a minute to read through its pages and survey all the relateable anecdotes. And after a few minutes of reading stories with accompanied exercises he smiles, and nods more.
“Thank you Dr. Chang… can I keep this? It’ll be nice to read… I found a good place to read outside at the park I’ve been walking to. I can return it and-”
“By all means Ivan. Keep it. I’m glad I can help. Now. We only have a few more minutes left, is there anything else you’d like to discuss?”
Ivan’s disposition shifts again. Looking less sad and more embarrassed. “Well… it’s not as big as the other stuff. But I still feel… weird about it… I was seeing someone before the Trait Storm. His name was Larson Price. Well… they recently allowed intercommunication between people we once knew… and… well he was telling me about some of his changes. He got a little taller, finally got that beard he wanted to grow, and even got a deeper voice… However, he said that when he saw a picture of the new me… he wasn’t… attracted to it. We think maybe his sexuality shifted? Is that a thing for these kinds of changes? The doctor only told us about physical changes nothing like this… can… will we? I mean do we have a chance?”
Eric paused for a second. He knew all too well the struggles of trying to maintain a relationship after one’s sexuality was altered. Before he could respond a small alarm went off.
“I’m sorry Ivan. I don’t know much on the subject of the Trait Storm effecting sexuality. I’ll be sure to research this topic and next week we can discuss more. Does that sound alright?”
“Of course. Thanks again Dr. Chang. I’ll see you next week.”
The two waved goodbye as Eric sighed. He hated lying to his patients.
-
Dr. Evan’s Chang’s Notes on patient: Ivan Antonova
Age:(32) 32
Height: (5′9) 6′2
Weight (190lbs) 225lbs
Race: (Caucasian) Mixed South American and South Asian
Patient appears to experience issues regarding self esteem manifesting in guilt and negative mindsets. Severity unknown at this time, but strong likelihood for a non pharmaceutical approach. Prognosis: high chance of recovery and coping.
I’m hoping my expressions didn’t betray me when discussing significant others and sexuality changes. With any luck and further studies I can put my own personal problems to rest on this matter and hopefully help others along the way. If that is the case, then my time working for this agency may be coming to a close. I wonder if this is the right thing to do. I have a responsibility to my patients as well as the future individuals I can help… but I also have a responsibility to me and to my own life/happiness… I’ll consider all angles before I act.