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♡ MY PILLOW — CHOI SEUNGCHEOL

bf!seungcheol x gn!reader | wc : 0.7k words | content : possible grammar and spelling mistakes, lowercase intended, established relationship, domestic fluff, mentions of insomnia, mentions of schedules

loki’s lines — at this point i'm in too deep 😭 also why can i write for everyone except my biases and it's all your fault ash 😭 @ethereal-engene

"how many nights does it take to count the stars?"

you wondered to yourself, watching the ceiling fan rotate slowly above you, glancing between it and the neon star stickers on your ceiling, trying to fall asleep.

feeling your eyes droop, you turned to the side, getting a glance at your bedside clock before you slept. 02:14, it read. the blissful sleep didn't last long.

you opened your eyes again, knowing very well your sleep was short-lived. and looking at your clock, which read 02:21, you realised you only got seven proper minutes of sleep. 

"i can't do this anymore!" you yelled, thrashing around in your bed and throwing your blankets to the side. "i just want to sleep!" you sat up on your bed, hugging your knees and letting out the frustrations of the past few sleepless weeks.

after what seemed like forever, you took a few more deep breaths, gathering the strength to at least go to the living room.

alas, only more tears made their way down your face, frustrated with the situation of not being able to fall asleep.

finally, getting yourself off the bed, you were about to fall back when you heard the front door open, signaling someone had entered your house. 

and considering it was two in the morning, it could only be one person.

you went towards your front door, peeking quietly and watching the person you had expected to walk in.

choi seungcheol. due to his crowded schedule, he was staying at the dorms, away from you. usually, seungcheol wasn't the one to make late-night appearances, but he felt the need to come to you — even though it was really late.

and meeting your tear-filled eyes as soon as he walked inside, seungcheol thanked whatever gut feeling he got, relieved he could be there for you.

seungcheol looked at you with a fond smile, closing the door and dropping his bag to the floor. "couldn't sleep?" he questioned, extending his arms as he invited you into his embrace. "hey, it's alright. i'm right here, babe." he rubbed your back, assuring you he wasn't going anywhere.

"i know," you answered, wiping away your tears now that you knew seungcheol was there. “it's so frustrating when you want to sleep, but can’t.” a sad smile came on your face when you saw him nod, wordlessly agreeing with you.

you couldn't sleep because of your insomnia. and seungcheol couldn't sleep because he had too many things to do.

both of you suffered whenever you two were apart, but when together, a peaceful sleep was always guaranteed.

"let's go get some much-needed sleep!"

"yay! let's go!"

the two of you were like little children, racing to your room as you immediately found yourself in seungcheol's embrace, him holding you close as you two made yourselves comfortable.

"i missed this." seungcheol sighed in content, resting his chin on your shoulder. “no wonder i haven't been able to get any sleep these past weeks."

you smiled, hugging seungcheol's arms that he wrapped around you. "tell me about it. the number of times i've cried because i wanted to sleep and couldn't is unimaginable." you felt at ease at his touch, sighing in relief as he pulled you closer. "let's just catch up on sleep. two days at a stretch sound good to you?"

"make it five days." seungcheol's words made you laugh, making him feel the little vibrations against his chest. "i'm sorry i stayed so long at the dorms. i would've come earlier, but there was so much to do."

"it's alright, cheolie." you patted his arm in assurance. "it would've been difficult to keep coming and going from here, anyway. you are here now, and that's all that matters."

seungcheol tapped on your side, helping you turn around so he could see your face. "you are always so understanding." he brushed your hair out of your face, a smile of adoration on his face. "i wonder from time to time if everything is difficult on you."

"not at all. because i know at the end of the day, i have you!" you shook your head, placing your arms around the male as you rested your head on his chest. "now ... let's sleep," you murmured, oddly enough feeling drowsy.

seungcheol frowned slightly, patting the pillows you had abandoned to lie on his chest. "the pillows are right there, y/n." he didn't think your gesture was intentional, assuming you were going to move back.

"why use those when i have you? you are my new pillow, cheol."

jesus. i need him so bad. fuck 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

i want to ride seungmin’s thighs so bad like ughhh he’s so perfect and cute and im gonna explode into a million pieces

you and me both friend </3 i feel like he’d tease sooo much fkdjkf

seungmin just finished performing. you’re watching him carefully as he walks off the stage and towards where you’re watching from the wings. he’s wearing sinfully tight leather pants and you know you should be more focused on his actual performance, but all you can think about is riding his thigh. in the pants, bare, whatever. either. 

you just want him. 

and he’s observant—he clocks the way your eyes linger on his thighs pretty much immediately. a lazy smirk spreads across his lips. he pulls you with him into an empty dressing room and locks the door. he sits on a couch in the corner of the room. his gaze on you is dangerous. 

he spreads his legs and dips his chin toward his thigh. “go on, then. saw you eyeing me up. i know what you want.”

“really?” your eyes widen and you’re quick to straddle one of his thighs. “you’ll let me?” 

“you’ve been good, haven’t you?” he laughs when you nod eagerly and his hands find your hips. “besides, you know better than anyone how horny i get after a really good performance.”

you whine a little as you start to rock your hips against his leg. you’re both still fully clothed and it makes you feel kind of like a horny teenager, but it’s seungmin so you don’t even care that much. he groans a little at the noises you’re making and tenses his thigh. he won’t say it out loud (that often) but he likes to make sure it’s perfect for you. getting off doesn’t matter to him if you’re not having fun too. 

“minnie,” you gasp. “feels good. was thinking about this the entire time you were performing—”

“were you? dirty girl. couldn’t even focus on my dancing, you were too busy fantasizing about my thighs.”

“‘m sorry, i—”

“it’s okay baby,” he chuckles, helping you move faster over his thigh. “you’re gonna make it up to me by cumming like this.” 

you shake your head but don’t stop. “i don’t—i don’t know if i can. ‘s not enough—”

“it’s not?” he speaks so condescendingly. it’s so hot. “but this is what you wanted isn’t it?”

“y-yeah, but—”

“so then, you’ll cum like this. if you don’t, you won’t get my cock.”

you moan and bury your face in his neck, hips working furiously against him. “no. n-no please, minnie. i need it. need you.” 

“then listen to me. be a good girl and cum for me. then i’ll give you more.” 

you cum.

The Treaty of Peace! This part really speaks to me. Our minds often protect us from future letdowns by setting high standards. But they don't always work rationally. That's why it's essential to talk to that lovely little brain regularly, negotiating with it, as Zesty says :)

🥸 How to Overcome Impostor Syndrome and Make It Work For You ⛈️

🕳️ step 1: take a broader perspective to recognize your triggers and change your self-talk

ℹ️ this can seem pretty vague and unhelpful on it's own, so let's get into an example — i've highlighted the differences in my self-talk in blue:

i'm a very results-driven person by nature. it was drilled into me early on that intentions don't matter half as much as the results they produce. regardless of whether this is true or not, this is one of the core beliefs i'm working with right now.

so you can imagine my satisfaction and relief when i find myself breezing through various coding and project planning tasks with ease relative to earlier in my career when i was working overtime for months straight just trying to feel like i was on equal footing with everyone else.

but lately, i've been hitting roadblock after roadblock, fixing bugs in my own code like playing the world's most frustrating game of whack-a-mole until my hands have calluses from the damned mallet that's already falling apart.

once again, i found myself spiralling, working overtime for weeks, not sleeping or eating well due to stress, and neglecting myself and everything outside of work that makes me happy because i felt like that's what i deserved.

my deteriorating condition made me take a step back and i was able to talk to some trusted colleagues who reminded me of the true value i bring.

results will vary all the time due to a myriad of things beyond my control. it can be triggering, but now that i've re-learned to recognize it, i can confidently say to myself that the true value i bring is not in the results, but in my resilience.

🗝️ here's a cheat key for you:

📘 journal — don't underestimate the difficulty of sorting out these kinds of entrenched and automatic thoughts! write it down, circle the important points, address them one by one. it's a slow, sometimes painful, process. but don't give up if it gets worse before it gets better!

💤 sleep — we don't all have the luxury of taking a lot of time away from our triggers to really reassess, but a good night's sleep is not a bad second choice. our brains reorganize and re-consolidate everything from facts to emotions to memories. so let it do it's work and in the morning, you will feel yourself able to think with even a bit more clarity!

☁️ don't just push through it — i always try to ignore and push through it first and it doesn't work or even makes things worse every. single. time. without fail. it gets to a point where even following the points made above feels like too little, too late. so do yourself a favor and get out in front of it.

🎧 step 2: recognize your boosters and develop the discipline to actually engage with them

what makes you happy? try listening to your body and your heart. it can be difficult in times of stress. i mentioned in the previous step about how being triggered can lead to neglecting exactly the things you need to be bringing into your life more. here's what you need to remember:

do it anyway.

for example, you don't feel like talking to people when you feel this low? do it anyway.

i talked to friends, i talked to family, i even agreed to a paired programming session with a new engineer to help them with their work — something which always scares me a bit because what if i suck and can't help them? but not only was i able to help, i did so in a fraction of the time we expected it to take!

in going out of my way to engage with my booster, i remembered what i always felt i loved about my job, which is human connection and being useful to others.

🗝️ here's another cheat key for you:

💙 do an activity that doesn't require skill but gives you a lot of enjoyment — not only is fun a sure-fire way to hard-reset your spiralling brain, this will remind you that it's not the end of the world if you suck at something because there is so, so much of life that is wonderful and that doesn't take any sort of special ability to appreciate. bonus points if it's a social activity because oxytocin is an absolute miracle worker!

🫐 eat delicious and nutritious food — fruits, a favorite home cooked meal, trail mix if you don't want to have to prepare anything. don't forget to drink water and take any necessary supplements too! if your body is in good condition, it will have a ripple effect to your mental health too!

🎆 practice accepting compliments and celebrating wins — self-explanatory, but needed to be said

🔮 schedule it in — i cannot stress this last one enough. if you don't make time for it, it won't happen, especially under the worst conditions, which is exactly when you'll need it most. so schedule these activities in — even blocks of 5 to 15 minutes can already make a huge difference to none at all!

🖤 step 3: there is a reason for your insecurity

so you've overcome your impostor syndrome — for now. new triggers or the same triggers manifesting in new ways can still get the better of you at times, so it can feel like a futile battle and maybe you think of surrendering. don't. negotiate a peace treaty instead.

your impostor syndrome does not exist for no reason. in their own way, they're just trying to protect you and your reputation.

some psychologists suggest giving your impostor syndrome a name so that the mental image of an external persona helps you have more productive conversations with yourself. you don't have to do this (although it can make it more fun), the main idea is we're going to take our self-talk skills from step 1 and our discipline from step 2 to make our impostor syndrome work for us.

❄️ let's say my impostor's name is Imelda and Imelda the Impostor says that i am not a naturally good engineer like everyone else, so i need to focus and work extremely hard and for twice as long, be extra nice and never say no to anything so that my colleagues will like me and i won't get fired.

because i gave my impostor a name, it creates distance between it's words and my own thoughts or core beliefs which my brain takes as truth by default. so with this new objectivity, i might start with something like, “okay, that's a lot to unpack there, Imelda.”

keyword: unpack.

if i stop for a moment to think critically about what's being said, it's all hinging on one assumption: that i am not a naturally good engineer compared to everyone else.

🔍 so what's the evidence? i can readily cite both occasions when I've had a lot to learn from others AND when others have had a lot to learn from me.

like this, i can clearly see that it's not that i should completely disregard what Imelda has to say. it's not that i shouldn't be nice, i like being nice, but i don't want to think of it as the only thing i have going for me. i want to be able to say no when i'm being given more work than i can reasonably handle. and i want to stop working overtime and get my life back, even as i continue to apply my most focused and hardworking self to the job.

🗝️ here's the final cheat key:

💭 have an honest conversation with yourself — keep it civil and grounded in evidence, give your impostor syndrome a name other than your own if that helps

🖊️ make an agreement with yourself — you write down everything you will do and everything you won't do, so that you'll make sure to keep your future actions connected back to the evidence instead of operating off of your automatic thoughts that can sometimes be misleading. be realistic and reasonable as that is the only way you will actually stick to your agreement.

📬 i know that was very long, but it is a long and iterative process and i didn't want to leave anything important out! let me know if this has been helpful and what strategies you like to use to improve your esteem and confidence! 🙏