When You Try To Keep Your Guard Up But People Always Find A Way To Hurt You - Tumblr Posts

The sun bites down on my shoulder

I’m humming a song I can’t remember where I got it from; I think you sang it once when I was in the back seat of your car as we wound up the mountains. I put in my head that it was supposed to keep you out, but I’m singing your favorite song on my only free day. My childish defiance of your affection but you still find a way through me.

It’s warm, and I’m laying down against a beach lounge, letting the sun soak into my brown skin. It kisses me and I feel myself turning red, I know you hate it. I have my sunglasses on, and I act like I can’t hear anything except the sound of the waves breathing down my neck.

You kneel at my feet, where you belong, offering me a cup with a touch of kindness. As our hands briefly meet, I lower my sunglasses, allowing you to see the smile that reaches my eyes so you know I mean it, despite the darkened bags beneath them in the sunlight. With a whispered “thank you,” I take a sip, only to swallow the grit of sand you’ve placed in the cup.

I don’t want to grant you the satisfaction of my discomfort, I swallow without betraying my realization. It’s only later, in the quiet of my bathroom, that I cough it up, clutching the edges of the mirror. Through my blurred vision, all I can discern is the streak of teary eyeliner tracing down my face. I can’t even recognize myself but I know I’m stubborn and you exploit that until my skin burns with rashes worse than the sun could ever. Even months later, I still find myself coughing up bits of sand.