Yapper Over Here - Tumblr Posts
ok guys, not to yap again, but i really want to talk about strangers by ethel cain, and more specifically the line "If I'm turning in your stomach, am I making you feel sick?". I think this line can be two sides of the same coin; one side is resentful and angry, the other self sacrificial and insecure. Ethel was put through horrible trauma by her father, I think she sees the parallel between what both of these men did to her. It's the betrayal and how they both thought they could use her and her body how ever they want, both using their power over her(the dad's authority and her idolization of him, Isaiah using drugs). When she says "If I'm turning in your stomach," she's means to turn in your grave, her body is now one with Isaiah's and that is her grave. She is unhappy with how she was used, especially when she believed she loved him (she was manipulated and drugged, even in death she still struggles with understanding what really happened). But that line also refers to the dread and anxiety you feel when you're guilty, a pit in your stomach, something doesn't sit right. When she asks "Am I making you feel sick?" She is hoping and begging over and over to know if he is guilty, if he is ashamed of what he has done. To know if, maybe, her father and all the other men who have wronged her also get sick with themselves over the guilt. This brings me to the next way this could be interpreted, which is Ethel's need to be good and righteous, so selflessly, for the people she 'loves'. In this way of thinking, she couldn't bear making somebody feel bad because of her--> never being able to blame and completely resent those who hurt her. She just wants to know if she is good, in many Christian denominations (i was brought up catholic, so tell me if im wrong) you are always comiting some kind of sin. She also talks a lot about how the sins of her fathers are now placed unto her, is she stained. It's kind of like the idea of the original sin, something your ancestors did that have stained the bloodline. It's also the belief that, when one has no guilt given unto them by God, the act was his will "if it's meant to be then it will be, and i forgive it all as it comes back to me" but maybe she worries that, if it was right, if he has no guilt, then she deserved it. i really suggest watching ep. 5 of midnight mass to get what i mean, more about that kind of belief. She was placed with this feeling of deservedness due to her family tree, but is she really that bad? Even while he is eating her, does she taste good? Does he feel sick? Was it worth her life?