I Spent Most Of My Life Raging

I spent most of my life raging

Dancing across manic depressive states.

Didn't know what it was

Didn't know how to fight it

But I kept surviving

In spite of how bad it got.

The meds and the therapy saved my life.

I didn't fade

I suppose it could be said

I overdosed on God.

Had my high at 25

Lost my mind

All these years

Just putting it back together

Moderately happy

One day at a time

Do you know what was in pandora's box?

The fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil?

Free will.

Precisely because the first act of free will for humans

Was in this slight rebellion.

To peer into God's tool chest

To eat from his sacred tree

To steel from God what made God God.

Now we are God

And he can no longer tell right from wrong.

An evil dictate from whom we stole morality.

I have been alone for most of my life,

Having tasted that rarity of companionship

It's absence is all the more deafening.

My new friend is in agony

And there is nothing I can do.

Waiting for them to return

So I can have her in my life again.

What kind of girl am I?

One who doesn't wear make-up often,

Can't fix her hair up,

Loves to do her nails but loves to watch them fade.

I play games and eat food

Have a hard time drinking and smoking weed.

Dreams of relationships

But needs her solitude.

I am not the image of expected femininity.

My voice doesn't pass

My body doesn't pass

I don't pass.

I honestly don't mind

But I live with the assumptions I have of other people's thoughts.

Every sir I get

Every dismissal I receive

They hurt.

I hate feeling the need to do certain things

Just to be validated

But here I am

Wondering if I am doing enough.

Trying to just be happy in my own self

Some days are just harder than others.

I absolutely believe in God,

And I believe he is evil