Remind Me Why We're Trying To Get Hifumi To Love Us, Again? (a Crackfic That's Going Too Far)

Remind Me Why We're Trying to Get Hifumi to Love Us, Again? (a crackfic that's going too far)

Chapter Four: Leiko Kuba

@chibibreeby

"Oh, Sayaka~! Where are you?", Leon called down the halls. This was his creation, after all, and he knew that this competition would spread through the school like a germ, but as of now, he was against Kiyotaka and Mondo, who were totally worthy adversaries. After all, Kiyotaka was already curvy (not that Leon was looking or anything) and Mondo would obviously have a sizeable bust (not that he was looking at that either), so he needed a secret weapon of he was going to have a chance.

"Sayaka~!". The pop idol groaned aloud, before telling Ibuki, Aoi, and Sakura that she needed to leave from their meal. Annoyed, she looked through the halls for the all-star, catching him before he entered the elevator. "Leon, what the heck? I was enjoying a nice meal with my friends . Is there any logical reason you're shouting my name down the hall?!". The fakeginger smirked. "Sayaka! I know you're still mad about that one time I broke your nose-". "By the way, the trial's in two weeks.". "-during athletics, but let's put that behind us for now!".

Sayaka rolled her eyes and pointed to her bandaged nose. "Ask someone else to help you with your sorry life.". "Okay, okay, you seem a little hostile, that's fine. But would you be willing to help a friend of mine? She really needs it!", Leon pleaded. The blue-haired girl sighed out of frustration, "Fine. Who is she, and what does she need help with?". Leon put his arm around Sayaka's shoulder. "So this chick's name is Leiko Kuba. She's having relationship problems. There's a guy she likes but she's not sure how to steal his heart.". Sayaka tapped her chin. "A common problem. When can I meet her?". Leon then pointed at himself. "You already know her!".

"Wait, what?", the idol questioned. "I've created this competition, the Ultimate Man's Competition. The task is simple, get Hifumi Yamada to fall in love with their female alter ego.", the baseball player explained. "And you want my help?", Sayaka asked rhetorically. "So, by agreeing, I'm allowed to do whatever to you make you Leiko Kuba, but also help out Leiko as if she was a bestie. All for the purpose of showing how MANLY you are? Leon, that's the best thing you thought of?".

Before Leon could reply, Sayaka continued, "This is better than any money I could have sued you for! Oh, you don't know how close Leiko and I will be! Spa treatments, sleepovers, brunch, oh, we'll do everything! This is what I call 'helpful revenge'. I'll help Leiko win Hifumi, all the while getting revenge for you breaking my nose!". Leon scratched the back of his head, "I'm fine with that. I mean, you're only the second broken nose this year.". "Oh yeah. How much detention did you get for Headmaster Kirigiri's nose, by the way?".

"Just enough to think of this.". Sayaka shook her head, "Whatever! I'll call my agent and tell him to scrap the court date. You and I, or rather, Leiko and I, are going to be the BEST BESTIES!".

Something I had drawn a while ago for this fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9284852/chapters/24925548

Remind Me Why We're Trying to Get Hifumi to Love Us, Again? (a crackfic that's going too far)

Chapter Five: Operation: Land A Date!

@chibibreeby

The next day, after class,  the boys and wingwomen met in the detention room (once Kiyotaka was done with his detention, of course). Leon then wrote on the chalkboard "Land A Date With Hifumi". "Now competitors and wingwomen, here is where competition gets interesting, to say the least. Of course, it's where we try to score a date with everyone's favorite weirdo.".

Kiyotaka raised his hand. "Yes?". "Can we get into the rules?". Leon rolled his eyes. "Fine. You and your wingwoman need to stay together, or at least in the same area. Also, you gotta have your lady gear on. You can do anything to convince Hifumi to date you.". The prefect nodded. "Now, uh, I watched a few videos on drag, and I still need help actually putting it on.", Leon admitted, "So this is the only exception to the 'No Helping' rule..".

Mondo, sorry, Momo felt a little uncomfortable, but that was because she was way too comfortable in those clothes. Currently, "she" was wearing a normal white tank top, a black leather studded jacket, a black miniskirt with a gold chain, a (thankfully) white bra over his, uh, her (admittedly real) bust, a big, frizzy wig that matched his own hair color, heavy makeup, black stilettos, and the tiger-print thong that Chihiro hated so much.

While it was an ugly process ( cinching his waist, waxing his legs, not to mention having to tuck a certain something you probably about know into a place he never thought it could go in order to achieve a feminine outline rather than a MANLY bulge, hint hint), the outcome was actually incredible, and "she" was pretty amazed with Chihiro's work. Now to see if it worked...

"I don't understand, Momo, wouldn't it be easier to test your lady charm on Hifumi rather than the Crazy Daimonds?", Chihiro questioned. "Yeah, but doing the gang will help me see if I'm unrecognizeable.", Momo responded. That was another thing that had changed. Since Mondo's voice was pretty deep at normal volume, Momo's voice had to be significantly quieter. While "her" voice was still deep, the falsetto added in made it more feminine and pleasing to hear.

Chihiro shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever you say. It's your logic.". After a minute or two scouring the streets, Mondo Momo found his her gang hanging around an alley. "There they are. What was that thing you told me?", Momo asked. Chihiro demonstrated every move. "When you get over there, flip your hair, blink three times, look over your shoulder, and put your hand on your hip". "Ya sure that works?", Momo asked nervously. "It has for me!", Chihiro chirped.

Momo went over the steps in "her" head, then walked over within earshot of hi- her gang. Flip, blink, blink, blink, look, and hip. Flip, blink, blink, blink, look, and hip. Flip, blink, blink, blink, look, and hip. Simple. Until s/he actually did the combo. Flip, blink, blink, bl- ow! Eyelash! Rub it out! Pay attention to where you're walking! Is that a manhole cover? Don't tri- whoa! Smack!

Momo could feel Chihiro's facepalm from on the asphalt. "Ey, lady, you okay?", s/he heard someone say in a rough voice. Slowly, Momo looked up to see who it was, and thanked everything that it was a Diamond, though that eyelash was still in h/er eye, so it made it difficult to tell who it was exactly. "Uh, yeah...who are you?". " Name's Shoji,", he said as helped up Momo, taking a moment to examine "her" body, "and you must be an angel, huh?".

"Actually, I'm Momo...". Shoji nodded, "Believe me, I saw your 'peach'.". Hurriedly, Momo flipped "her" skirt down. "I don't ever remember seein' you around. Ya must be new?". Momo nodded. Man, this was easy-  ah, stupid eyelash! "I can take care o' that.", Shoji said, removing the annoying eyelash from Momo's eye. "Gah!". Shoji smirked, "Yer all flustered. Cute. Lemme indroduce ya to th' gang.  It's not mine, but 'm sure boss won't mind.".

Confidently placing his arm around Momo's waist, Shoji brought "her" over to the rest of the Daimonds. Almost simultaneously, the alley filled with the sound of whistles and cat-calls (and Takemichi made his way to the back). "Well, well, look what Shoji found.", a Daimond with a particularly riduculous pompadour commented, making Momo feel a little uncomfortable.

"This is Momo uh...". "Oyama". "Momo Oyama. She's new.". "And gorgeous! Where you from?", a shorter biker asked. "Oh, I'm from...". "Is that really important? I'd like ta know if she's free tonight.", a paler Daimond purred, winking at the "lady". "Hey, I saw her first, Kazuki!", Shoji growled, afterward, all the Crazy Daimonds (minus Takemichi) swarming over the "girl".

"You know what? My friend's waiting for me, I gotta go!", Momo informed, before escaping the swarm and taking off toward Chihiro. " Run, Hiro!". "How'd it go?", Chihiro asked as he ran beside Momo. "I'm a better lady than I thought!", s/he replied in Mondo's natural voice.

Kimiko felt espesially brave. Celestia was the closest to Hifumi after all, so everything was in "her" favor. Of course, if everything was in "her" favor, why was Celestia taking her to a nightclub? "Celestia," Kimiko said in the uncomfortably high French accent Celestia begged her to use, "I think I should ask Hifumi out now. Could we please return to Hope's Peak?". Celestia rolled her eyes. "Are you kidding? You need to have fun like this. It'll sharpen your skills.".

"Sharpen my skills?". "As a woman. After all, you want to win this, don't you? Besides, you're getting looks.". Kimiko then scoured the area with her eyes, almost tripping over "her" thigh-high black heeled boots. S/he then dusted "her"self off, while taking a moment to straighten the ridiculous Sailor Moon-like black pigtails on "her" head and remove the creases from "her" red button-down blouse and white pencil skirt.

Once done with "her" maintenance, s/he continued the conversation. "Even if I wanted to go to a nightclub, I am positive we would not be granted admission!". Celestia then winked mischeviously, letting Kimiko know she had something up her sleeve. At the nightclub (a block or two away from Hope's Peak), Celestia grabbed Kimiko by the wrist and drug "her" to the front. The bouncer looked at the two, exchanging glances between Celestia and Kimiko. "Got I.D.?".

"Why wouldn't we?", the gambler replied, producing two realistic fake I.D.'s. "Alright. Have fun.". Kimiko's eyes widened, and Celestia had to snatch back the I.D. cards and drag "her" inside before she could say anything. "Celestia! That is illegal!", Kimiko shouted over the booming music. "Who's Celestia? As of right now, I'm Taeko Yasuhiro, and you are to have fun.", the other replied as she removed the two drills from her hair. "Now run along! I'll be over here.".

Kimiko pouted. This was definately not the way s/he thought this plan would go; now s/he was illegally in a nightclub with Hifumi nowhere in sight, and the more and more she looked at herself in a reflective surface, the more s/he looked like a little girl attempting to be a teenager (which made sense, being s/he never asked what age Kimiko actually was, and Celestia had made the makeup look way too natural) which made Kimiko all the more uncomfortable.

"Hey. Aren't you a litte too young to be in here?". Great. Perfect even. "Uh, yes, yes, sorry, I'll-". "Oh no, it's fine, I won't tell.". Crisis adve- wait, huh? "I'm Haiji Towa. What's your name?". "Kimiko Imamura.". If "her" looks didn't say little girl, that stupid voice would've by now. "How old are you?". Kimiko looked at the man. He didn't look like the law, and he seemed trustworthy, and besides the Towa family ran the city, right. Even still, "I'd rather not say.". "That's fine, Kimiko. Hey, why don't you stick with me for a while?", Haiji asked. Kimiko smiled, then nodded politely. Maybe this wasn't so bad.

Leiko sighed. What the heck were those other two and their wingwomen doing outside of the school anyway? The job was easy, and yet they found a way to make it more complicated. Classic Mondo and Kiyotaka, or Momo and Kimiko in this case. Sayaka stood near the dining area door, giving Leiko the okay s/he'd been waiting for.

This was it. This was hard work, layers of makeup to hide that goatee, a miniskirt, fishnets, Converse sneakers, a Paramore t-shirt, ponytails, and studded bracelets about to leave their mark on a certain doujinshi author. With the sway of "her" hips and the click of "her" tongue piercing, s/he strutted her way over to Hifumi, who was currently engrossed in a bento box.

"Hey. I'm Leiko. Let's say, you and me, Music Fest this Friday in Serenity Park?", the "girl" whispered into Hifumi's ear. "Gah!! Ahh...". Leiko took pride in Hifumi's blush. "Well, I don't know all that much about music...or you...how'd you get in here?", the doujin author asked suspisiously. "Oh, Sayaka snuck me in. We're like, best friends. While I was leaving, I couldn't help but notice you over here by yourself. So, what do you say?".

Hifumi thought for a moment while stuffing a pork bun into his mouth. "I suppose I could...at what time?". Leiko tapped "her" chin. "Oh, around five or six in the afternoon.". Hifumi nodded, "I'll be there! Now, please leave before you're caught.". Leiko winked and blew a kiss before leaving the room. "All too easy.".

A recent drawing of Baroness von Bon Bon. I think she looks nice here.

(Please reblog with credit. I'd appreciate it!)

@popsicle-shtick122 @chibibreeby @charlotteml1@nininiino @sparkle-cup-cake @suspicious-spirit @maiko-coy

Some beautiful people here.

Have a jade-blood Chihiro. :)