I Kissed Another Boy Last Night And He Told Me I Was The Most Gorgeous Girl He Had Ever Seen. My Name

I kissed another boy last night and he told me I was the most gorgeous girl he had ever seen. My name rolled off his tongue in its own unique blend of vowels and consonants.

He twirled one of my curls around his finger like it was a form of prayer and I opened the door of his life story with a smile and a drink.

He tried to teach me spanish but all he taught me was how to say my name and that I am a gorgeous girl. He tried to show me how to roll my r's and when I butchered it he told me I did well even though I wasn't even remotely close.

He made me say it again to him for the rest of the night. Moi bonita. While his lips trailed down my neck he quizzed me again and the words tumbled out of my mouth in a breathy whisper.

I asked him if he would like to move back to where he was born and he said no.

"Why don't you like where you're from?"

"It doesn't have girls that look like you."

-Beyond, September 2023

(s.m.)

So long I have held my tongue for you I think I am beginning to choke on it.

My chest is caving in with those things that are left unsaid, always unsaid. You strike at me, oh do you strike at me.

I let your palm hit my cheek and feel the blood drip down my chin. There is a tange in my mouth. There is always a tange in my mouth as I bite through the soft flesh of my tongue for you.

Over, and over, until my nerves are raw and frayed and tangling inside my limbs.

How odd to feel so raw and so numb all at once.

We used to say God made us sisters because he was simply unable to keep us apart. Now, I think its because he knew it was the only way I would love you.

But what about me? Did he not regard me? I am cursed to love you while I am stuck in the grave of knowing even with our shared blood, you are incapable of loving me back.

-beyond one thing and onto another, October 2023

(s.m.)

I looked over my roommate's shoulder today on accident. It was just an instinctual glance as she tapped her phone.

The screen lit up and there at the top in bright bold letters was "i miss you so much right now" and I had never felt more relieved to not have someone miss me.

My chest started to cave in on itself and then I looked around and took a breath and realized there was no one around who cared. I was free.

-After, August 2023

(s.m.)

August 18, 1929 Journals of Anais Nin 1927-1931 [volume 4]

Anton Chekhov, "after the theatre"

I texted a boy today. I did my hair and deepened my eyes and put myself in the perfect lighting with a cute witty opener.

"Hey Mr. Archeology, dig up anything cool today?"

And not during any step of the process did I think about you. Even if Mr. Archeology never answers me back I hope he knows how thankful I am for giving me the opportunity, however brief, to see that some parts of me are beyond you.

-Beyond, September 2023

(s.m.)