| Toji Fushiguro | First Acknowledgments

𝙖 𝙨𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙡𝙤𝙦𝙪𝙮 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙡𝙞𝙛𝙚 𝙬𝙚 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙝𝙖𝙙 | Toji Fushiguro | first acknowledgments

characters: toji fushiguro x gojo!reader, toji zenin x gojo!reader

summary: As the future head of the Gojo clan, a certain persona needs to be projected at all times; calm, calculated, and reserved. Not a single soul other than your younger brother has seen you be anything other than that. All except Toji Zenin, the enigma who has been following you for as long as he can remember.

tags: toji x gojo!reader, gojo’s older sister, pre-star plasma vessel arc/star plasma vessel arc, mentions of misogyny, Toji is enough of a warning, strangers to friends to lovers to ?, angst, fluff, eventual smut

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To be a part of a community, you gain a collective of like-minded people; when you're born into a clan, you lose the right to your individuality the day you are conceived. Being the oldest of the esteemed Gojo family expectations were set upon your birth. The fact that you were born a woman and not as a man certainly left many within the clan apprehensive of your potential as the future of the clan leader. Your parents were praying that you would inherit either Limitless or the Six-Eyes; or better yet both. The universe had delivered upon your parent's prayers, and you had awakened Limitless at the age of six. You could still recall the tears of joy your mother dropped upon your shoulders when she found out, the look of contentment from your father that never graced your presence since that day, and the sighs of relief amongst the higher-ups. Your whole future was solidified that day at the ripe age of 6.

Of course, a grand party was thrown for you and the blurred faces of people praising you remain a permanent image in your mind. Trying to go play with the kids your age but being blocked by someone awarding you praise. You didn’t know them but they knew you, rather they knew the potential you had. The praises all held the same undertone:

You are the future

You are the new era

You are the future head of the Gojo Clan

As per this pressure, you’ve been very thorough in breeding a certain image for yourself as aloof and recluse. No one had clearance to see any other side of you. Your parents had the luxury to witness it when you were a child but later joined the majority as you realized your purpose in their life. Only one soul witnessed and would continue to witness your most vulnerable side. At the age of 14 when your little brother Satoru was born. He was the most adorable baby with the brightest set of eyes rivaling your own, tufts of snow-colored hair, and just the overall essence of innocence that a baby is known to have. The notion that the expectations that were placed upon you would soon transfer onto him left a strong desire to protect him from this world. His existence was a beacon of hope for the Jujutsu world but to you, his existence was your reason to continue abiding by the rules of the clan.

He was your baby, Toru. Since the day you laid eyes on him, you knew that he would be basking in your enshrouded love for eons and centuries to come. Even if there were to come a day when he no longer needs you in his life, you would remain omnipresent.

When you had enrolled in Jujutsu Tech at 15 and had to leave him for the first three years of his life. You would visit the compound regularly to uphold your duties but allowed for that time to equal spending time with Satoru. Howbeit, it was never for longer than an hour you made use of the time. Your time as a student was perhaps the first ounce of freedom you had ever experienced yet also just another reminder of what you were bred to be. As per the clan's expectations, you started and ended your career as a student as a special-grade sorcerer. The clan had allowed you to continue as a sorcerer and even allowed for you to become a teacher at Jujutsu Tech once Satoru was of age to attend. Though that was years away, you were excited about that future nonetheless.

The clan held a grand celebration when Satoru inherited his cursed techniques as they invited all the other clans to join in on the festivities. They held it in one of the banquet halls in the compound and though you loved your brother with an amount that could never truly ever be calculated, you couldn’t bear to watch your brother become another victim of this fate and for any questions relating to your potential marital status. Though you were the next heir, the guest was too engrossed in their own political commentary to notice you slip away.

Much like any other heroine in a novel, you whisked yourself away into the family gardens. It had become your sanctuary ever since you stumbled upon it on a random night when life had become too overbearing. It was secluded away from the other homes on the compound and hardly ever frequented by anyone. When you discovered it, it was hard to even tell it was a garden. The whole area was polluted with dead flora and you felt the only sense of normality you had in your life was tending/visiting the garden. It’s sad to say but in your twenty years of life, this is the closest you’ve felt to being calm in your life.

As you walked upon the garden, you flopped yourself down in the midst of all the flora as you let out a breath you hadn’t even considered to have been holding in. You stared up at the stars that would always greet you at this time of night. You had given up on trying to memorize constellations and their names, what's the use? There would be no one to share your knowledge with at the end of the day. You wholeheartedly believe that you have had longer conversations with yourself than with anyone else. Even the stars had a community they could relate to. In some ways, you believed they could be compared to you. They were bright enough for people to look at and find interest in but not important enough to get to know. In your mind, you theorized that they probably listened in on the planets when they discussed kicking Pluto out.

“What a life.” You uttered as you watched the scenery above you. The trees swayed in and out of your view as they synchronized with the wind, the stars performing their constellation dance, and the moon watching over you in pity. Similarly to the attendees in the banquet hall, it would seem that you didn’t notice that someone else had entered your sanctuary.

Who could? Toji Zenin thought as he observed the oldest Gojo who was far too invested in your world to notice him. Your white hair fell around you in resemblance to snowflakes, your eyes as icy as a body of water in the height of winter, and your lips parted like the fish stuck in said body of water. You were undoubtedly beautiful and even Toji could admit that. He had thought as much since you were children. Throughout the clans, everyone was trying to have you married off to their sons while their sons offered no retaliation as they too were pleading for your hand. Of course, for the sake of having a Gojo but you were a sight to behold. He had seen you plenty of times during these kinds of events but you would never see him. You would run away and he would follow but never interact. Toji would never give an answer as to why he had begun this one-sided tradition for he also had no idea.

Over the years, out of precaution, Toji would maintain a relatively large distance between the two of you on the off chance that you would notice him. As the tradition progressed, the less cautious of the distance he became. Each year, he would inch closer and closer to you until now where he could consider himself to be within view of you if you had tried but obviously visible.

He watched as you lifted your arm into the sky, opening your palm out, and letting it stay like that for a few moments before hastily dropping your arm over your eyes with yet another sigh. If he had seen your perspective, he would have noticed the positioning of your palm being directly under a star. However, he didn’t need to be in your perspective because this was a habit of yours that you had developed over the years. He knew, that you knew, that you’d never catch a star. You had always a stoic and professional among the general public, no one could have guessed that the next Gojo head would be stargazing, much less, trying to “catch” a star without a thought in mind. For someone as low-ranking as Toji was in the jujutsu world, he could only find amusement in the situation.

“There you are!” A young Satoru enthused as he ran full throttle toward you before plopping down on top of your fallen body. You let out a noise at the abrupt action, coughing a tad bit as the wind was knocked out of you. The young boy notices and begins to laugh at your predicament. You cherished his happiness and made it a mission to always provide him with a smile during each interaction.

“You think attacking your older sister is funny, huh?” You began with a mischievous smile adorning your features. He didn’t need to be a wielder of the Six-Eyes to know what his sister’s next move was as he began to scurry off of you but was far too late as you sent a barrage of tickles his way.

“S-Stop! Ha-Ha! I-I w-wasn’t laughing! I swear!” He pleaded between a fit of laughs.

“Hmm, I don’t know ‘Toru seems like you were laughing to me. Say you were and I’ll stop.” You teased as you continued your “attacks” on the young boy. He tried to remain strong in his claims but ultimately surrendered.

“Fine!I did laugh!” and just like that the tickles stopped but were soon met with a warm embrace and a kiss on the cheek from you. Toji fleetingly wondered how that felt.

“See in return for being honest, you get rewards. Remember that in the future ‘Toru.” The young boy nodded at the statement before nuzzling himself further into the conjugation of your neck urging for the affection to last.

“So what do I owe the honor of having you here with me?” You asked as you lifted your body in a sitting position inevitably taking his up with yours and letting your head rest atop his head. “Certainly, Mother and Father didn’t allow for you to roam off by yourself.”

“These things are always so boring! I thought today was supposed to be about me.” You could feel the pout on Satoru’s lip and held him tighter. If only he knew that today was all about him, the him of today and the him of the future.

“You and I can celebrate another day. Just you and me.” You reassured yet since the day he was born every day has been about him. This easily excited the young boy as he babbled about all the things he wanted to do.

Yet, another sight to behold is the next Gojo clan leader being affectionate. Each passing year you had come to surprise the outcasted Zenin. He had seen many things but he had never seen you interact with the youngest Gojo. The garden looked like an accessory compared to how at ease you were with Satoru.

Toji watched as the siblings both stood up, you brushing out everything and anything that could tamper with each other's appearance before leaving hand in hand back to the venue. Feeling safe enough to emerge from his hiding spot, he enters the pathway with folded arms over his chest standing behind the two Gojo’s watching them leave. In accordance with the routine, he would stay a little longer before making his own exit.

What wasn’t a part of the routine was Satoru turning his head and making direct eye contact. Toji has spent his entire life being an invisible man. No one could ever tell he was standing behind them and no one would particularly care if they did know.

Satoru tugged at your hand urging you to look as well and you did. You gave the man a nod of acknowledgment with a ghost of a smile before turning to Satoru.

“He’s a friend of mine.”

CHAPTER 7

Chapter 7 is dropping at 2:22 PST! Hope you guys enjoy this one!

𝙖 𝙨𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙡𝙤𝙦𝙪𝙮 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙡𝙞𝙛𝙚 𝙬𝙚 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙝𝙖𝙙 | Toji Fushiguro| fruitions of life

characters: toji fushiguro x gojo!reader, toji zenin x gojo!reader

summary: you can’t expect to enter a garden and come out without getting messy…figuratively.

tags: toji x gojo!reader, gojo’s older sister, pre-star plasma vessel arc/star plasma vessel arc, suggestive language (thanks to Toji, of course), explicit language, symbolism (?), NO SMUT (bare with me y'all you will get it eventually) strangers to friends to ?, fluff, love their dynamic, 2nd person point of view, the first person point of view switches are intentional!

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The stars would have laughed at your relationship. You are close enough to be friends and hold enough attraction for one another to be lovers, but distant enough to be considered strangers. Toji was not far off when he talked to the stars to say that you were in denial about your relationship. This is not to say that Toji understood your relationship any better. Though he was aware that an attraction between the two of you was mutual, he understood his feelings to be simply that, attraction. Very hypocritical of him, if you asked me.

The persona that Toji had created when he entered your garden was a paradox to the life he lived outside of it. You knew only what he would allow you to know. Yes, he was swindling women for money. Yes, he liked to partake in gambling of all forms. Yes, he was a mercenary by trade. None of these “hobbies'' of his were ever explained thoroughly, just a lot of in-between kind of talks. He joked about how different you were from your reputation when you first met. He was an open book, a paperback that if you bent the page to read and didn’t have something to secure in place they’ll just snap closed. If it were put into proper use the years would reveal themselves before you even got to the title page.

I’d describe you to be a hardcover. You were a popular read that any literary aficionado wanted to unravel. Abiding by the rules of commerce, hardcovers cost more than paperbacks. Hardcovers are for appearances while paperbacks are for a proper read. In stark contrast to a paperback, hardcovers don’t advertise their use with their exterior. No, you’d have to flip through and give it the same amount of attention as a paperback. No one would want to do that.

The Toji Zenin who currently was helping you plant some pink camellia in your garden and the stone-cold mercenary that would remain a topic of discussion during debriefings were two distinguishable people in your eyes. I allow myself to believe that the reasoning behind this is that you both presented different personas to one another. Whether they were founded based on your true personas or the fantasy of what could’ve been. To this day, even as the narrator, I do not know.

You watched with your tote bag of gardening supplies perched on your shoulder as the man worked. He had shown up in a black compression t-shirt that did what it was told as you could see his muscles fighting against the shirt's fabric. Any movement he made you would be able to see his muscles contract and pronounce themselves against the shirt. It was a short-sleeve so regardless if it was a compression shirt or not you would be able to see them. He wore these kinds of shirts every time he entered the garden. You didn’t know if this was his everyday attire or if it was a coincidence. Unfortunately, you didn’t mind either reasoning.

“You gonna just stand there and check me out or help me plant this shit?” He asked midway through digging an unnecessarily enormous hole. Though he had been gifted with many physical attributes through this Heavenly Restriction, a green thumb was not one of them; He overwaters the plants, he doesn’t understand the reasoning behind removing weeds, and always accidentally stomps on flowers because of how comically big he is. Yet, you still allowed him to help and still paid him.

Call it charity work.

“I was judging how badly you planted those seeds.” You squatted down beside him, placing your tote bag on the ground before snatching the shovel from him and shoving him away to take over. You inspected his work and huffed, “With that poor eyesight of yours, I should reconsider your qualifications on letting you help me out with the garden. Seriously, how could you possibly think a seed this tiny needs that big of a hole.”

“Speaking from prior experiences?” He quipped, somehow not at all offended by you scrutinizing his work. You were trying to wrap your head around him having the body of a full-fledged adult with the accompaniment of the mind and libido of a pubescent boy. “When you say shit like that you make me think that you’re asking for me to say something out of pocket. I mean you kind of walk right into them, doll.”

Unknowingly is what you wanted to add to his statement. You unknowingly walked into his linguistic traps. You scoff, “How about I do you one better? What if you had something other than sex on your mind, pervert?”

He furrowed his eyebrows and poked a finger into your cheek furrowing your eyebrows but not letting it sway your attention on the flowers.

“Now where’s the fun in that? Life gets boring after a while. You gotta start switching things up before you get to that point.” He asserts, pulling another small shovel from your tote bag to continue tormenting your garden. “Ah, but I guess you’re already there.”

He knocks several decades off your lifespan with his words alone. You shook your head, “This is why I refused to exchange numbers with you. I’d rather keep my dosage of your stupidity to a low.”

“You’ll come around to it.”

He had immoderate confidence.

“You have to be gentle with them. Using that much aggression only leads to unpleasant results. The flowers feel the energy you put out.” You explain as you minimize the hole he made and gently tuck the seed inside of it. It was a philosophy of yours and wasn’t backed by any science. It’s just an observation you’ve made over the years of tending the garden and a philosophy that you’ve integrated into your life.

He wasn’t buying it.

“Bullshit. Flowers are flowers. They are meant to look good no matter how you plant ‘em.” He shifted his eyes to the flowers he planted versus the ones you planted and saw no difference between them. “I wouldn’t even be able to tell who planted what because they look the same.”

You saw where his eyes were and you scoffed at how wrong his statement was. What you were looking at were two very distinct patches of roses. One patch was weed-filled with roses toppling over one another. I don’t think I need to describe it any further for you to understand whose handiwork it was.

“It’s like childbirth. A child made out of love will prosper and continue to flourish on that love. On the other hand, a child who wasn’t won’t stand a chance and wither if it doesn’t have any love to live off of.” Though it was simply an analogy, it held truth in your lives. You and Toji weren’t made out of love. You were made to be exploited. Time and Decay struck a deal with each other and postponed you from withering. Perhaps, a sick twisted bet to see if you’d be salvageable. In your eyes, Love wanted nothing to do with the bet and wanted to let Time run its course. You morbidly bet against yourself; Time will tire itself out eventually and allow Decay to win.

Though the argument on the preservation of flowers would continue to be a disagreement, you had a feeling if you had vocalized that wager between Time and Decay you both would’ve seen eye-to-eye.

“Guess I’ll be seeing you in hell then.” He said as patched the holes you made along the way. You allowed him to help in doing that seeing it’s his expertise when it comes to gardening. You nodded your head in agreement, “Satan would make you your own little island just to get away from you.”

“That so? And what about you, doll? Gonna join me in my solitude. I’m bound to get lonely.” He couldn’t go through one conversation without making it flirtatious.

You’d abide by the routine of it all: he flirts and you deflect. “Obviously I’m going to marry Satan and be the one to give him that plan. I’ll send you sucubus to keep you company.”

“So much for being a friend.”

It had been a few moments of silence and you both didn’t mind it. It was comfortable. However, something had been omnipresent in Toji’s mind, children. Children were a brand new topic. He had known of your stance on marriage. Specifically arranged marriage. It was the reigning topic whenever you’d complain about the meetings between you and the elders. It piqued his curiosity enough to ask, “That little children monologue you did is making me think you want kids. Hate to remind you but that kid of yours would be a Zenin or a Kamo.”

“Out of duty, I have to bear children. Like you said with one of them but…” You stared at the seed packets and the flowers that surrounded you before continuing. “Selfishly, if life were different I think maybe I would still want to have my own.”

“Why even bother with kids? They just come in and ruin shit. Don’t understand what’s so great about them.” He stated, as he furrowed his eyebrows and sported his signature disgusted face.

You enjoyed being around children. They were the purest form of humanity that someone could be. It was the adults around them that corrupted the purity that they were born with. You wanted to preserve as much as you could of it but you weren’t a superhuman. You were just a sorcerer.

“If they are anything like Satoru, I don’t think I’d mind.” I would hope not.

“Yeah?” He asked as he handed you a seed packet that you graciously took offering him a head nod in acknowledgment. “Must mean you got some names thought up.”

“Hmm.” You weren’t paying much attention to him as you were trying to fix the mess he had made. Even though that’s what you were doing, he knew you heard him. You were just dodging the question.

To spite you, he grabbed another small hand shovel and dug up the hole you had just patched. That didn’t do much in stopping as you just patched it up again. Of course, this man was persistent. You both continued the ongoing dig-patch-dig-patch game until you got fed up and snatched the shovel away from him. You turned to reprimand him but his eyes had a Medusa-esque curse for turning you stiff. Knowing he had your attention he asked again, “You’ve thought about having kids enough. You have to have some names picked out.”

You saw his expectant gaze and sighed. You continued what you were doing but replied with your answer nonetheless. “It’s embarrassing to say but I only have one name in mind.”

He shrugged, “That’s one more than I have. Spit it out.”

“Megumi.”

It’s a common name. You can’t live in Japan without knowing at least one Megumi in your life. The absence of originality never hindered its appeal as a name for you. The name itself wasn’t what made it a contender for you but the meaning of it felt the most suitable for a baby. “I think it’s a fitting name. Children are supposed to be considered blessings.”

“Even for a guy?” You nod your head as you finish planting the seed, wiping your hands off with a hand towel you brought with you, “I don’t think it matters as much. The meaning wouldn’t change.”

You handed the towel over to him and he reciprocated your actions before racking a hand threw his hair, “I don’t know if your future kid will think the same way. He’s probably going to plot your death in your sleep.” This is one of the few times I would agree with the man.

“They’ll be more concerned about the life they were born into than their name.” Indeed they would be.

“What about you? Never thought about having a miniature you before?” You prompted as you got up to get the watering can that was nearby. “I’m hoping the answer is no.”

“Fuck no.” He barked out a laugh. Children were the last thing on his mind. He watched as you leaned down to grab and turn on the hose, “I’m barely surviving on my own. A kid would only add to the expenses and the shit I have to worry about. I use condoms and never go to the same place twice for that reason.”

“Ever thought of just practicing celibacy? Feel like it is a far less risky option than whatever you just said” You suggest as you shrug your shoulders and begin filling the can with water. Your suggestion was supposed to be rhetorical. In all honesty, you hoped he would just change the topic afterward but to your dismay, he hadn’t.

He planted his hands behind him and used them to position himself, “Once you experience what it’s like to be inside a pussy for the first time, you don’t go back.” You were convinced he didn’t have any words other than those that could be considered raunchy. “You’ll understand once some small dicked Kamo knocks you up on your Wedding day.”

You had half the mind to redirect the hose to splash that smirk off his face. The topic of first times came up once and you had told him that you were a virgin. You told him to never bring it up again but this was Toji we were talking about.

He noticed the grip you had on the hose and you didn’t know how he could extend his lips to curve to the extent they did as he continued his debauched tangent, “Sex is something people use to get rid of stress. You could benefit from that. Wouldn’t want my dear friend to get a full head of gray hair by the age of 21.” His head tilted towards your head, “Guess you already kind of have that going for ya don‘tcha? With the white hair and all.”

“I could just drown you with this water and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing.” You pointed out, letting the gesture of you shaking the water from the hose against the ground.

He suited mercenary work not only for his physical prowess and instincts. His audacity was a core component of his trade. It became obvious the level of audacity he had as he permitted his green eyes to stay fixed on your legs, “I would prefer you’d let me suffocate in between your thighs. I’d get you so wet I wouldn’t even try to come back for air.”

The half of the mind became all the mind. It was all a blur in the moment. One second the water is being directed to the water can and the next you are pointing it directly to Toji. When you realized what you had done, all you saw was a drenched Toji making his way toward you. “I can’t be the only one that's wet, baby.” He didn’t allow for any room for you to register the new nickname before he wrapped his arms around your torso and you were lifted off of the ground.

“Toji! Let go of me, you big oaf!” You pleaded with the man to let you down but he remained indifferent. He was treating your body like a rag doll —- twisting you left and right, up and down, and making sure that you are fully accosted to the same wet fate that you had graciously gifted him.

You were slamming your fists into his chest and it felt like punching a concrete wall. You, a user of the Limitless Technique with the ability to repel this man away but you momentarily forgot. You were too caught up in the idea that your clothes had molded to your figure due to the water in the same way it had for Toji.

Contrary to how careful you had been to not get any dirt on you, Toji treated the dirt that spread throughout his clothes in the same manner as the blood that would occasionally stain his clothes. He didn’t bother with it. Resulting in not only naturally tailored form-fitting clothing but also mud stains.

You were wearing a kimono, a staple piece for you. It lacked many potent colors like pink or red. Your mother preserved her looks as much as she did yours. She instilled into you that cool tones emphasized your physical features. Whenever you’d explore outside of that color spectrum a slew of passive-aggressive comments from her end.

Her comments on cool tones applied to your entire intermediate family. Remembering that you sobered up.

“Put me down! I can’t go looking like this!” Of course, you were referring to another event. You felt his hands sink further into your waist and hoisted you further up causing you to brace yourself with his shoulders. “Live a little. Just skip it.”

With how he had you positioned, you would need to look down to see him, which you did when you looked at him as if he had committed blasphemy and retorted, “Have you lost your mind?! I can’t just do that!”

Toji hated a lot of things; losing bets, women who kept in contact, employers who gave him half-ass pay, and jujutsu society. Though he didn’t hate anything about you, he did bear a hard distaste for how obedient you were when it came to the Elders. He scoffed at your words, “Says who? The elders? They could kiss my ass for all I care. It’s gonna be another event where you’re just there to look pretty. Have some fun, doll. I wasn’t lying about the gray hair.”

His words held merit and if he had used more persuasive language the possibility of you missing the event would have been higher. However, it wasn’t enough.

“Fine, I’ll let you go but only if you give me your number.” He proposed, halting the man made rollercoaster he had created.

You thought about it. There were plenty of cons to giving him your number that outweighed the pros. You were too fed up to care for it.

“Fine.”

He did as told and put you down but made quick with pulling out a grey Nokia flip phone that has seen its share of fights based on its condition. He handed it to you with the Create New Contact page open. You weren’t one to agree to things without following through so you held up your end of the deal. You were typing in your number when a text came through on his phone. He wouldn’t be able to know since the phone was on silent but you saw the text.

Sui Kong:

New job in Miyagi. Meet me at the usual spot. 10 million on this one.

Once you were done you handed it back. He hadn’t seen the message and you didn’t want to comment on seeing it. He was more focused on trying to get you to pull out your phone.

You shook your head and crossed your arms over your chest, “That wasn’t part of the deal.”

Another thing he doesn’t like about you. He groaned, “Do you always have to be so square?”

It wouldn’t kill you to be, you thought to yourself before you caved and searched for your phone before begrudgingly giving it to him. He inputted his phone number and said, “Well you’ve got shit to do, so I say let’s just call it a day.”

“Right.” Nothing compared to what he would have to do. You gathered all your things into your tote bag and were going to leave in silence as you usually do but you didn’t.

“Treat me to a nice dinner afterward.”

He would leave confused but understand what you’re referring to when he sees the message. You would have already been at the event socializing with the guests when you’d receive the message.

Unknown Number:

It’s a date.

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let me know in the replies if you guys want to be tagged in future chapters!

𝙖 𝙨𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙡𝙤𝙦𝙪𝙮 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙡𝙞𝙛𝙚 𝙬𝙚 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙝𝙖𝙙 | ᴛᴏᴊɪ ꜰᴜꜱʜɪɢᴜʀᴏ| first times (18+ MDNI)

pairings: toji fushiguro x gojo!reader, toji zenin x gojo!reader

summary: the first time you were close enough to see the stars.

tags/genre: toji x gojo!reader, gojo’s older sister, pre-star plasma vessel arc/star plasma vessel arc, Shiu Kong cameo, suggestive language (thanks to Toji, of course), explicit language, SMUT (if that makes you uncomfortable please do not read this), symbolism (?), satoru being a little brat (are we surprised?), sibling bonding, strangers to friends to ?, fluff, 2nd person point of view, the first person point of view switches are intentional!

warnings: 8.5k word count, rated M (18+) for language and sexual scenes, male masturbation, allusion to female masturbation, vaginal sex, male dom, fem sub, virginity kink (if you squint), praise kink, breath play, brat themes (barely), handjob (fingering), oral (fem rec.), teasing (this is toji were are talking about), sweet talk, dirty talk, pet names (doll and pretty girl are the extent of it), semi-edging, missionary, safe-sex (they used a condom), titty sucking.

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Your first time was in the garden underneath the blazing lights of the stars and the judgmental gaze of the moon with the man you loved most.

That’s how you retold it to me when I became a teenager and told you I was interested in dating. You stretched the importance of communication in a relationship. Your exact words were, “Make sure they know it’s a relationship! A lot of people assume things! Oh, and use protection!”

But that wasn’t the truth. At least, not the way that Yuki told me about it.

You lost it in a dingy apartment in Shinjuku with the night sky hardly peaking through the openings of the blinds. The man you lost it to, well, I can’t speak on that. 

He was an impatiently patient man. He had texted you his address soon after your date and added a few suggestive words to truly hone in on his desire to see you again but under an unrestrained environment. He left it at that and let the waiting game begin. His mind was filled with the chances of winning but in a small subsection (that’s as much as he’d ever admit to a living soul) of all that, he questioned what you’d be doing in your part of your world.

He would be lying if he didn’t have you as a constant in his mind since that day; to be more specific, your body had been getting him hard at just the thought of it. The silhouette of your body in the dress alone would have left an impactful impression on him but the opportunity to see you nearly naked and have the images he had fantasized about be confirmed. 

He envisioned you stuck in a circle of Elders dictating the state of their society and you idly listening in. They’d mention your role in their hierarchy as the face of the “New Era” and implant their belief systems into you through innuendos. You’d play the attentive archetype but secretly rather be in your garden or seeing that you enjoy spending time with your sibling, you’d think about taking Satoru to eat at his favorite place because who were you without trying to appease someone who wasn’t yourself? 

He also foresaw that after all of your tasks, you’d decompress in your garden. You’d be trying to do your daily routine of inspecting for weeds and checking what didn’t and did need watering. In between that routine, you’d somehow get reminded of him while taking in his failed attempt of carving out a snake in one of the hedges due to his reckless craftsmanship. You’d stifle a smile but you and those petunias that circled the surrounding area knew that you found amusement in it and though in the moment you cursed him to hell for trying to create something so hideous you never urged him to fix it. 

Afterward, you’d get frustrated thinking about him and believe that the frustration that needs to be released is through training. You’d have no one around to train with and take out your frustrations on the nearby trees surrounding the training ground. After attempting to release variations of Red and Blue on the trees you’d come to grow even more frustrated at your countless failed attempts at being able to use it continuously. So you’d switch the practice to something you were good at, fighting close range. This would need the help of a helpless punching bag and you’d try to exhaust all of your frustrations in a concoction of varying different punches and kicks. 

You’d take a shower to wash away the incessant thoughts of his presence. Your hands would massage in the shampoo to provide relief but it would remind you of the times he’d brush through your hair to find a strand to tug on. A tug, just one tug. That’s what you’d start with when you tug on one of your white strands. It wouldn’t feel the same as when he’d do it and that notion would certainly irk you. You’d continue your routine of washing your body but you’d make the mistake of closing your eyes when you brushed over your pebbled nipples. Curiously you’d grope them with the image of his exposed body in the pond cemented into the forefront of your mind making it easy to imagine his hands instead of your own. The hand that wasn’t busy with your breast would wander down to give attention to your needy clit that had been giving you clues as to what the target of your frustration had been. 

This is the scenario that Toji found himself jerking off to late at night in his bedroom after fighting the urge to take home a woman from the bar he had been at. He cursed you for this. If you hadn’t made the sole rule be not fucking anyone else, he’d be having his dick blown right now. You’d have no problem with that rule. That rule was a test and Toji was one boner away from breaking it. 

It was pathetic how he was holding out for someone who he hadn’t even felt yet. 

It had been a few days since he had last seen you and his body was not reacting to it well. He thought you would’ve been crawling to him by now. He pumped his shaft faster in frustration that the scenario he had imagined wasn’t even a probability for you. You had gone your whole life without sex, what would be a couple of days, weeks, or months added on of not experiencing it? 

He let out a few pumps before he came and let his other arm fall over his eyes while he tried to even out his breath. The pleasure that should’ve come along with it was nonexistent. Instead, he made the mistake of letting his mind flash an image of you again. 

He would spend the rest of his night restless and sore.

The next day he had to clear his mind through means that keep him sane.

There he was in a gambling pub in Shinjuku trying to make use of his money by trying to expand on it. It was also his unhealthy way of killing time as he anticipated your call. His gambling feats were enough to forget about all the other times he had lost money. He had placed his bet for the horse race that was the gamble of the day and ordered himself some takoyaki. The pub was situated on the outskirts of Shinjuku and was a hole-in-the-wall place. The pub was littered with all walks of life – a salaryman that is using gambling as a salvation, a group of construction workers who were there for lunch and had bet the lowest amount possible as they treated it as a game, a pair of middle-aged men that didn’t want to go home to their wife and kids, and then the majority were questionable characters that were stereotypical to the environment.

If Toji were to choose between the aforementioned list he would say he was a mix of them all. This information was based on observation and had a high possibility of it all being false but Toji didn’t plan on finding out. No, he is going to take his profiling as gospel and allow himself to be right. They were the least of his worries after all. The horse he bet on was advancing and the money he put in looked like a sure win. 

From the corner of his eye, he saw the door to the pub open and knew from the suit and the stench of cigarettes that approached him who it was. Sipping on his fountain drink of choice, he huffs out a laugh and announces,  “Was under the impression you were embarrassed by me, Shiu. You always restrict our meetings to over the phone so what’s with the sudden appearance?” 

Shiu Kong, a 24-year-old Korean national and former detective somehow found himself in Japan as a handler for mercenaries. Toji met him at a pub similar to the one they were in 2 years ago but not by coincidence. Shiu had seen him a few times before approaching him but observing him get into a bar fight and his blatant disregard for others made him approach him with the offer of becoming a mercenary. 

“Unfortunately, you’re hard to miss.” The man lamented referring to the window that was directly in front of him and the man’s large silhouette. He walked closer to the table and spectated the horse race that was projected on the screen and made his bet with himself that Toji would lose. The gamble was that if Toji lost he’d reward himself another pack of parliaments and if he won he’d quit smoking.  

“Plenty embarrassed of you but I just happened to be in the area and saw you through the window. Decided to cut out the middleman and fill you in on the job in person.” He explained while he searched one of his pockets for a staple of his image, a cigarette, and a lighter. Digging out both he exhaled, “Might find some entertainment watching you blow a shit load of cash in one go.”

“You’re wasting your time. I might not even bother with the job after I win this one. Bet 8 million on that Bronco and heard from one of the guys here that he’s a sure win.” Toji assured, offhandedly directing his chopsticks toward a sleazy-looking bald man across the pub.

“Yeah?” he asked in disbelief as he pulled out a seat next to his delusional client, “Should you be taking advice from a man who’s betting against you?”

No, he shouldn’t but he could always leave the man a generous message if he did decide to play dirty. Regardless if the man had “reassured” him that his bet was solid, Toji felt confident in his bet. He contributed his confidence to the outlook of his week. He was hoping that the biggest star in the sky was as much in favor of him as it had been on that date. Again, your image manifested in his mind causing him to try to remain neutral and adjust himself discreetly under the table. 

He returned his gaze to the TV while he was picking up his set of chopsticks when he saw the announcement that his horse had lost. Out of frustration, he had cracked them with the emotion that had manifested in the force he held them in. He stood up from his seat and scoured the pub for the man with his eyes. He focused his eyes on where had been earlier and saw only the food he had been eating left.

“Coward”, he mumbled as he plopped himself back on the stool and pulled out another set of chopsticks from the canister on the table, he grumbled, “How much is it and when do I have to do it?”

Puffing out the smoke, he taunted thoroughly amused with how the situation worked out for him, “Trying to make another quick buck after this? Employers are going to start paying you a salary with how frequently you are asking for jobs.” 

“If it’s anything short of a million they can shove that salary offer up their ass. I have to force you to negotiate to even get half the amount the jobs are worth.” He swallowed and drank from the fountain drink that he had refilled multiple times with no plans of paying the refill fee. His most recent job payout was a rare one, usually, the payout for his jobs is between 10-50k. The employers never understood the value or cost of a life. Why would they? If they were never the ones doing it. Rich people had money to blow but not the faintest idea what it’s worth was.

Pulling a seat next to the enormous man, he lets a chuckle escape, “God forbid, a 22-year-old survives on a million a month. Your gambling is going to leave you on the street eventually and don’t expect as your handler I’m going to offer you my house to crash at.”

Plopping another takoyaki ball in his mouth as he watched the horse he betted on in the lead, he jauntily answered, “As long as the jobs roll in we are both in the clear of that ever happening.”

Call Toji any negative adjective (trust, I have some of my own) but he was diligent with his work. He was the highest mercenary in demand in all of Japan with how efficient he was with his commissions. Employers appreciated that all he asked was the lump sum and the general details of the job. Morals were not a driving force in any particular aspect of being a mercenary, at least that’s how Toji perceived his career path. 

Shiu nodded and vaguely detailed, “All these people want is for it to be done by the end of the month.” 

While Shiu began to debrief him vaguely on the job, Toji felt a beep in the pocket of his jeans. His contact list consisted of the man in front of him and the woman he had eagerly anticipated to be inside of. He could’ve groaned out of relief at this revelation. From briefly listening in on the job description, it seemed like a pretty standard job.

Finishing the last sips of his drink and chewing on the last ball of takoyaki, he grunted as he stood up from his seat, “Got it. Forward me the details in a text or something.”

“You’ve been in a rush the past couple of days, Zenin. What other unhealthy habit of yours have you been indulging in?” He asked to take a draw from his cigarette while stuffing one of his hands in his pocket. With how long they’ve known each other, he’s hardly ever seen him rushing to places. Toji lived on the ideology that he had all the time in the world and he didn’t care much for how he spent it. Now comparing this ideology with how he had been acting lately, the former detective’s interest had peaked.

“Nothing that you would care about.” He replied as he put on his jacket. He threw some cash on the table and patted his handlers back as he made his way out of the pub. 

“Thanks for that restaurant recommendation, by the way.”

Shiu watched as his associate walked through the doors of the establishment and smirked to himself. Getting up from his seat and throwing away the trash Toji had left behind he makes his way to a nearby smoke shop with his head held high and mentally thanking him for his misgivings.

No, thank you, Shiu thought as he handed the cashier his money.

———————————————————-----------------------------------------------------------------

Weeds are grown out.

[image attached]

The text alongside him reaching the garden to see you fully clothed, in baggy jeans and an even bigger knit sweater with an annoyingly yellow garden apron on top of it all with that brat of a brother beside you, well, color his disappointment.

Irony befell him as he found himself going back to his old routine of trying to go unnoticed by you guys. He must’ve been rusty because it didn’t take long for your blue eyes to find his hiding spot. You nodded your head in acknowledgment before turning your attention back to the miniature version of you that was inches away from terrorizing a flower. If he hadn’t known he was your brother, he could have passed off Satoru as your son. 

You slapped his wrist away causing him to yelp in pain and sheepishly grin at being caught. You looked at him unamused and demonstrated how to properly pluck a flower.

“You are too rough on such delicate organisms, ‘Toru. You have to treat them with care and love–” He brought his hands up mimicking your speech and guessed the next words you were going to say, “Because they feel it too blah blah blah.” 

He stared boredly at how you plucked the flower from the stem rather than from the root and didn’t notice how your method was any better than his.

“Feel stuff, my butt. Why care for something so weak? They don’t even do anything.”  You heard him mutter and were growing irritated at his attitude. Normally, you’d hear complaints about his attitude from his retainer and any other unlucky person who crossed his path. You’d reprimand him but his behavior never was bad when he was with you. He’d be whiny and pouty but that was the extent of it. This was unusual.

“Why do you care for the teddy bear that I gifted you? Why do you care for the toys that you play with?” You asked, placing the flower you had plucked in the pocket of your apron.

He answered as if it were obvious, “Because you got them for me.”

“But they don’t do anything, so what value do they bring you? You wouldn’t care if I threw them away, right?” 

“I wouldn’t care. You could buy me new ones.” This kid was audacious as he stared up at you with the cheekiest grin. 

This kid knew his strengths and Toji could applaud you for resisting the urge to enforce corporal punishment. 

You scoffed, “I would? What gave you that idea?”

Satoru wrapped his arms around your waist and snuggled into the embrace he had created. “Look at this face! You can’t say no to this!” He cooed, shining his eyes to yours that dulled in comparison.

You shook your head with a laugh, warming up to his antics, before creating some distance. You plucked two flowers out from nearby; hyssop and heliotrope. 

Crouching down to his height, you explained, “You don’t know the meaning now but I hope once you find this interesting enough that one day you’ll understand.” You threaded the flowers in the crevice behind his ear, brushing a few strands of hair out of the way to properly display them.

Smiling at your work, you confessed, “You are annoyingly cute and sometimes I wish you didn’t know that but that’s not why I buy you those things.”

Pointing to the flowers behind his ear you said, “Those flowers are important because they have meaning.”

“Huh?” Your brother's face contorted in visual confusion, unable to grasp the point you were trying to make.

“Satoru means “to know.” Your name has meaning and lets people know how to address you. It reveals to people the kind of person you are from that alone. It’s what makes you a person.” You recall fondly on the day you were given the honor to name him. Your parents were so preoccupied with the revelation of birthing a user of the Six Eyes that they had forgotten to give him a name. The responsibility then had been passed to you. His birth came before you had thought of baby names for your hypothetical future child but keeping in line with your unoriginality Satoru was the first name to come to mind.

“These flowers may look weak based on appearance but many hold toxic properties that could kill something based on impact or consumption. Assuming that something is weak makes you the weak one in a situation and inevitably leaves you at a greater disadvantage. It could lead to your death.” You explained as you pointed to a patch of lantana, bitter nightshade, and mountain laurel; flowers with beautiful exteriors but poisonous compositions. 

Satoru groaned but made no effort to take out the flowers you’d given him, “If I wanted a life lesson, I would’ve stayed with Yoichi.”

Being compared to his retainer made you recoil. You hadn’t meant to turn a sibling bonding day into a day of lectures. The world after the ignorant closings of childhood is nothing but continuous put-to-use life lessons. You’d rather give him insight into his destiny as the strongest than further inflate the propagated ego that the masses had given the boy that convinced him that he was invincible. 

“You are welcome to go back to him if this bores you so much.” You are met with silence and that only elicits a sigh from you. You announced, “Let’s call it a day. I have some matters to attend to and Yoichi is most likely searching for you.”

In truth Satoru wasn’t bored, he just wanted you to spend time with him. Without the lessons, without being at home, and without anything or anyone else to worry about. You were his moral compass and anything you’d say he’d follow. His attitude was directed toward the retainer he had been trying to dodge all day

Satoru’s voice called out behind you, “It’s not boring! Tell me about those! They look kinda funky, what do they mean?”

You turned around to see him pointing at a patch of weeds. You giggled walking over to him and ruffling his hair, “Those are called weeds and they mean that I need to pluck them out in order for the other flowers to stay alive.”

“Can I help you with that one day?” He asked, unknowingly robbing Toji of his side hustle.

“Of course.” You smiled when you leaned down to place a kiss on his head, “You can go ahead of me. I’ll see you later.”

“Be nice to Yoichi!”

“I’m always nice!” He stuck his tongue out as he ran off passing the tree Toji had been hiding behind. He walked out once the kid was outside of earshot and made his way to an expectant you.

“To what do I owe the displeasure, Zenin?” You asked, patting your hands onto your apron.

Gesturing his head to the fading body of your body, he confronts, “Was here to clock in but instead saw you interviewing someone for my job. Did I mention that I work better alone?” 

You laughed, “Guessing that I was interviewing for a new worker rather than a replacement is audacious. I’ve been giving you warnings about how you handled my hedges and you never seem to listen.”

“I express artistic freedom.” He shrugged, “What do they say? Art is in the eye of the beholder.” 

You chuckled then teased.“As I’ve said time and time again, you need better eyes.” 

Walking up the array of hedges that had been brutalized by Toji’s craftsmanship, you inquire, “Alright, what is this one supposed to be?”

What you had been pointing to were two hedges that you had thought looked like either a yin and yang figure or– actually, no that was your only guess. None of his pieces have ever looked easy to understand. You suppose he could make the argument that’s the point of art so instead of voicing that you let it remain a thought.

“Obviously that’s supposed to be a lion fighting a tiger.” He claimed with certainty.

You raised a brow, “They have stories?”

You didn’t think Toji had the capability to be creative or thoughtful. His life was based on thoughtless behavior, it was the basis of your friendship. Sure, the portrayal he was going for was violent but the thought did render you temporarily speechless. Thinking about it more, what kind of hobbies did Toji have? What kind of things does he like? Does he listen to music?

“You’ve said it yourself. Everything has meaning. Isn’t that what you were trying to tell that brat?” If you had been familiar with his bashful tells, you would’ve noticed how he refused to make eye contact with you when he answered and the tips of his ears went red.

“By the way, if that’s how you talk during sex too I might have to rethink our deal. Unless you're moaning during it then by all means continue.” He mocked, naturally reminding you of the agreement you had made almost a week ago that had been constantly replaying in your mind.

You rolled your eyes, feeling the incessant jabs at you today to be unfair, “You’d be able to get those sounds from me? I’d like to see you try.” 

His hands found their respective places at each side of your waist, pulling your ass into the outline of his hardened member as he breathed into the shell of your ear, “You could find out. We still haven’t put the point of this deal to trial yet.” 

“You’re vetoing my analogies during sex but that proves otherwise.” You rebuke, restraining the noise that wanted to come out from the impact. Remaining in his hold any longer, you would have let him take you right then and there. When you did get out of his touch, you heard him groan and felt the effects of it go straight to your core.

“I also remember mentioning that I don’t plan on losing it in the garden.” You calmly remind, trying hard to deny the throb in between your legs.

“I haven’t fucked anyone in a week. I’ve been maintaining my end of the deal. It’s now your turn to maintain yours. I was under the impression that you’d be one of the better pussy I’ve been in.”  He said in annoyance, growing tired of your game.

You didn’t necessarily have any proof to prove that he had been lying but you also had no proof that he had been telling the truth. You shrugged, not understanding how that had anything to do with you, “Whether I am or not, that’ll be up to you to decide.”

“Yeah, and when is that gonna be? It’s been nearly a week, doll. My patience is running out.” 

And it truly was. After jerking off to an imaginary scenario and sporting one to the thought of you, he could only endure so much. An ironic predicament for a man who has a Heavenly Pact that enhances his senses and his physical strength.

It must be your Gojo instincts because you felt pleasure in having something over the outcasted Zenin. 

“Tomorrow. I’ll give myself to you tomorrow.” You stated, making it seem like a less than thought out decision when in actuality you had this decided from the moment you had sent that text. 

“In the meantime, if you want to keep your job.” You handed him the hedge clippers, “Fix my hedges."

The rest of the time, it was a comfortable quiet with the noise of your collective pensive with the thoughts of tomorrow above all else.

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The address in his text led you to a wear-for-tear apartment complex on the outskirts of Tokyo nearing Shinjuku. It was enveloped with nearby liquor stores, gambling pubs, drunkards, and arguing couples. It worried your driver to leave you alone in such a place so much that he had asked to wait for you out of concern for your safety but you waved him off without a second thought. The excuse you had used was that you were meeting up with an old colleague on work matters. He had been hesitant but he obeyed and drove off leaving you in front of the disarray. The environment is very well aligned with where you had imagined Toji would live. Given the amount of money that Toji was given in his jobs, he must’ve spent it all on a continuous streak of failed gambling bets and couldn’t afford to pay rent in a better place. You couldn’t even imagine the structure or the furniture he had in his apartment. You felt that it could have been the affluent possessions or black-and-white essentials. 

You let those thoughts linger as you made your way up the flight of stairs to his apartment. Each step was louder and more concerning than the last. The noise of cars passing by and various sirens were heard clearly throughout the motel-style infrastructure of the apartment.

When you arrived at his door, you felt the reality of the situation sink in. Your virginity wasn’t something sacred to you. As a teenager, you weren’t interested in any guy that much to want to lose it to them. You wished you had caved and just lost it to one of the many guys Yuki had sent your way. Due to your high standards, you’ve landed yourself in a situation that was more than you bargained for. You’re stuck with the option of Toji Zenin, the embodiment of sex.

You let your knuckles graze the door believing if you left them there for a while it would give you the courage to knock. The meandering thoughts were pushed aside once you lifted your knuckles to knock and felt your stomach twisted up into knots. You vaguely heard thuds and things opening and closing from the interior and felt the knots in your stomach tighten. 

He opened the door with relatively the same image that you had engraved in your mind; nothing but a towel around his neck and low hanging plaid red and black pajama pants that visibly displayed his defined v-line. Your blue eyes knew not to linger and went to search for his but found them fixated on your mouth. You’d have to address that habit of his eventually. You took that as your cue to speak.

“H-Hey.” 

Pathetic, you thought to yourself. It had only been a few hours ago that you held the power in the situation. Seeing a preview and what you’d be seeing soon, you forfeited any semblance of power that you had left. Pushing your way through the door, you reiterate, “Where’s your bedroom?”

Entering his apartment, your suspicions of what it would look like were semi-confirmed. There were no luxurious items but it was filled with household essentials like a couch and TV. It was also barren of any personality aside from a bar cart that had looked to be untouched.  

“Straight to the point? I appreciate taking into account how cruel you’ve been towards me.” He grinned at your flustered state. 

“Shut up, asshat. I just want to get this over with.” You barked back, walking aimlessly in his apartment aiming to find the door that led to his bedroom.

“It’s the first door to the left. You can wait there for me. I’ll be out soon” He called out as he made his way back into the bathroom to continue his night routine that you undoubtedly disrupted.

You entered the bedroom and were surprised to find that it was cleaner than you had imagined it to be. Much like the living room, it only held the essential furniture needed to distinguish its purpose. After assessing the room for what it was, you situated yourself on the bed with your hands gripping the skirt of your kimono. 

“You still have your clothes on?” You could hear the disappointment from his voice and as you turned to see him his face matched the tone of his voice. His body leaned against the doorframe, his appearance the same as it had been when he had opened the door.

You groaned, “At least try to pretend to not be disappointed.” 

“You preach that speaking the truth is important to your brother but when I do it you draw the line.” He said, referring to the day you had acknowledged his existence for the first time. He sits next to you, leaving a good distance in between, but the scent of his shampoo is so intoxicating that he might as well have been millimeters away.

“For someone who partakes in sex as often as you do, you should know that talking about relatives beforehand is a serious turn-off and not a form of sex talk.” You chastised with no merit to your words.

He looked thoroughly unimpressed by your comment and rebuked it, “We haven’t even started and you’re already questioning my skills.”

The foundation of your knowledge of sex came from sources like porn and Yuki that were classified as the same; dramatized and romanticized. Another source was Toji but the thought of him having been with other women doesn’t entirely sit right with you at the moment. 

“So how do you do this?” You asked, not entirely aware of how to initiate it. 

He loathed verbal communication if it wasn’t necessary. He was a firm believer that people can understand from physical cues alone. Therefore, he used his movements as a response. One of his hands maneuvers its way to the small of your waist, pulling you to where your knees touch. Having you secured where he wanted you, he reached his vacant hand to cup the underside of your jaw and licked his lips before consuming yours. Similarly to the first kiss you shared at the park, it was short and sweet. He pulled away before you could even reciprocate finding your lips searching for him.

He smirked and guided, “We’ll start with this and then we can work your way up to it.” 

Your lips hovering his and the scent of your strawberry chapstick lingering was not going to do it, he had to taste them again. So he did, working his mouth against yours and licking away the temptation of the strawberry chapstick. Unlike the first time, you had managed to catch on faster. You situated your hands on his shoulders to stabilize yourself but still felt unsteady. It wasn’t until you threaded your fingers into his hair that you felt secure.

He tugged on your lower lip to gain access but you weren’t one to back down easily. You weren’t the first to deny him and he had learned how to bypass brats like you. With his hand that had still been on the small of your back, he moved it lower to give your ass a quick tap causing you to gasp and for his tongue to claim your mouth.

Trying to win a battle of strength with Toji was a pathetic effort and after what felt like forever but was only a few seconds, you had given up on trying to win. 

“What am I supposed to do?” You whispered in earnest but the delicacy in your voice had translated in his head to something sensual in his ear. He withheld the groan that was threatening to leave his throat and opted to busy himself by placing one of his palms on the underside of your jaw to have you facing him as he brushed pieces of hair from your face. 

He brushed his lips over your own as he spoke breathlessly,  “You don’t gotta do anything, doll.”

He kissed you one final time before descending towards the valley on your neck and collarbones. His impatience waned with each descending kiss he’d leave on your body. Some parts earn attention while other parts yearn for it. The marks he left left him satisfied until he encountered the hemline of your kimono blocking the visage of your breast. 

“Sit up.” He instructed, helping guide you up while also loosening the obi from your waist in the process allowing your body to be exposed for him to see.

He had been complaining about you essentially blue balling him for over a week but he had no intention of having you work. Not tonight. Tonight was all about you and he was going to let you know that. 

Understanding what he was trying to do, you attempted to cover yourself with the fabric with your face flushing in the process. However, your attempt to fall lackluster in execution with your breast is now enhanced by your crossed arms. 

“Don’t just stare.” You muttered, suddenly feeling small – a feeling that did not come naturally to you.

“You’re just s’pretty. Hard not to.” The effects of his praise manifested differently, your upper half illuminating your cheeks in bright pink while the lower half hiding in your core.

Your pose and your expression had him experience a sexual high he had never been able to achieve with any other woman. A sculptor like Brancusi could feel,see, and anatomically understand your body but he could never be able to sculpt it in a manner that remained faithful to your essence. 

He took hold of your clothes and tossed them in the same direction he had your panties. You were fully bare but unlike earlier, you felt a surge of confidence at his dark green eyes morphing away from its former greed hue.

“Come on, now’s not the time to get shy with me.” He laughed before latching his mouth onto your breast bringing out a moan that had yet to be released from you. His tongue lapped, swirled, and tugged on your nipple with expertise while his other hand replicated his tongue's movement effortlessly. You tried covering your mouth in an attempt to muffle the noises that were fighting to come out but Toji took quick notice and moved it to situate back into his terrain of hair..

“I wanna hear those sweet noises of yours, doll. Let them out. You can try covering up how I’m making you feel but I know.” He urged you on before taking the hand that had been toying with your nipple and using one of his fingers to hook onto your panties and move them aside to rub across your slit and in doing so pick up how wet you had become from just from touch. Your lips were sealed shut but your hips bucked against his touch, trying to catch the sensation again. 

Slipping his fingers inside his mouth to suck up you up. He stuck his tongue out to give you a visual of his tongue churning on his finger. Pleased by your reaction, he kissed your lips in reward for your submission, permitting you to taste yourself. He mumbles in between kisses, “Your body makes it so obvious for me.”

“Do something.” You uttered between battered breaths.

He lowered himself between your thighs and raised your legs to rest on either side of his shoulder after he had skillfully taken off your panties in the process, tossing them aside without haste. Coming in contact with your pussy, he breathed haughtily against your folds. You had to have the prettiest pussy he had ever seen. It was dripping and anxiously awaiting his touch but he had to contain himself. 

“Demanding me? To do what exactly?” He used his breath to an advantage, drawing in and out of the vicinity of your pussy but never too close or too far. His antics are the source of the shiver that overtook your body.  

“Touch me.” You said in an obvious tone.

“Where? Here?” He asked coyly, grazing his tongue throughout your inner thigh barely reaching the meeting point of your thigh and your vagina. Deciding to be generous, he presses a kiss onto your swollen clit. You could’ve slapped yourself with the whimper you had let out.

You gritted out in between moans, knowing what he was doing, “Fuck you know where shit, you are such an asshole.” 

He rolled his eyes at the nickname but decided that since it was your first time he should save the edging for another day. 

Without warning, you feel a slow swirl on your clit before he commits to seeking refuge with his lips. He ate you out as if you contained ambrosia and the only way to fully attain it was by ruining you.

“You’ve got such a pretty clit, doll. Looks so cute and swollen.” He teased as he swirled a finger over it before giving it a little tug. You glanced down to see his hungry eyes drawn to your panting and moaning figure. You quickly looked away and he retracted his fingers from your clit at the same time. You whined out at the loss.

“Eyes on me.” 

You couldn’t find yourself to disobey. 

“Want you to remember this.” You heard him whisper in between sucks as he descended again. Occasionally he would groan into your cunt shocking you closer to an orgasm. The bed sheets weren’t even a contender for places to latch on. Your eyes were only on Toji. It was an automatic response to thread your fingers through his hair and guide his head closer to you. 

His name is left broken on your lips while your orgasm is on his. He gave you a second to compose yourself before asking, “Think you can handle more?”

More? Before you could ask, you had your words caught in your throat.

“All that from just my mouth.” He lapped up everything that had been seeping out of you. “Need to prep you before you take the whole thing. Wanna see how much you can take when I add one in.” He murmurs to himself more than to you. 

“Inflating your ego during sex, you’re such- fuck Toji!”  You cut yourself off at his finger slotting inside your cunt without any resistance or warning. 

“So loose. I’m sure you can take one more.” He mumbled against your ear.

He pumped in and out while his mouth met yours allowing you to taste yourself. Originally the thought had repulsed you but with the assaults on your cunt and an impending second orgasm, you couldn’t find it in yourself to care. The kiss was sloppy. You would break away each time his fingers hit the right spot. 

Toji was right. Sex was a stress reliever. You couldn’t think of the documents on your desk that you needed to sign, missions that you had lined up for the week, or the brunch your mother had asked you to attend. That damn brunch was the least of your concerns. None of that mattered, not with how his fingers were slamming in and out of you at an inhuman pace that no other man could achieve. 

You felt that you were close but so did he. His lips left yours at the same time his fingers did and you anxiously anticipated their return but they never came. You turned to face him but noticed him get up off the bed.

“Why’d you stop?” You asked panting, lifting yourself using your elbows. Had you done something wrong? Before you could ask, he lifted a hand signaling you to remain still.

“Like I said, I was prepping you. Want you to cum on something else.” He informed, swiftly removing his remaining clothes leaving him fully nude.

Your imagination didn’t do it justice. At this point, nothing you had envisioned this to go to had been beyond your comprehension. That night at the pond was proving to be a preview. You had no dicks for reference to go off but based on the assumption you knew he was beyond average in girth and length. It had to be his Heavenly Pact at work because no normal human would be able to have been blessed like that.

“Are you ready? We can stop.” He asked with a kindness you had never thought was possible from a mercenary. His eyes remind you of an exploding nebula. You had never seen that sort of emotion from him in all your years of knowing him. 

Momentarily shocked you stared gapingly at him and you shook your head.

“I want you.” You softly whispered, though it had sounded different in your head.Not given enough time to backtrack on the implications, your body had already been lifted and settled onto a few pillows with your back against the headboard of his bed. 

Those were the words he imagined you saying when he’d touch himself to the thought of you. When he needed something to get him off while he was with a woman who wasn’t doing it for him.

Staring at your figure, you were stunning. Pieces of your white hair sticking to your body due to the sweat that could mimic a blizzard. Your boobs moving to an unsteady and erratic rhythm, Your thighs rubbing against each other to release tension, Then those eyes of yours that might as well have been the six-eyes with how alluring they were, tempting him to dare to ruin you, taint you, take you.

“What.” You mumble, suddenly the confidence you had felt earlier converting into self-conscious.

He places his thighs on either side of your legs, hovering over you before closing in on your face. “Been waiting years for you to admit that. Give me some time to soak it in.” He breathes, stealing another breathtaking kiss.

“I’m here now. Do what you want.” Your words draw out when he departs from the kiss. 

He shook his head while he fluttered his lips against your jaw, “You’re not ready for what I want. You’d fall right apart.”

Your left arm latched onto his shoulder to keep him close and hummed at his words.

“Try me.”

You felt the chuckle he let out on your collarbone, “You don’t ride a stallion without riding a mule first.”

“You do if you dare to try.” 

He stopped his advances and again laughed at your audacity before snaking a hand behind you to give your ass a playful tap.

“Offering to ride me? I’m sure you could but that’s gonna have to be another day.” He promised and you were inclined to believe without any further information.

You weren’t thinking. You couldn’t think knowing that his dick was so close but so far away. That you were about to lose it to Toji, the man who has been in your life for as long as you’ve been sentient. 

He must’ve sensed your nerves because he smiled–not one of those condescending Zenin smiles– but a smile that was unique to Toji.

“I got you.” He assured you with words but his green eyes were the first thing to register in your mind. 

He reached to the side of his nightstand and unwrapped the condom wrapper. He saw you watching with curious eyes.

“Wanna put it on?” He asked and you could only nod as he handed over to you. 

It seemed pretty straightforward. All you had to do was slip it on him. As you were about to make contact with his dick was when you realized what you were doing but let the thoughts die out. As you slipped it on fully, you let your fingers graze the part of his dick that wasn’t covered by the condom out of curiosity. His hand caught your wrist and you thought you did something wrong.

“Not today.” He tried to remain assertive but his wavering voice begged to differ. However, you didn’t notice.

“I’m going to put it in.” He said and you nodded. When he did you could only describe the sensation as foreign – more foreign than a kiss but not unwelcome— and you felt that you’d never hold leverage over him again.

This was too intimate. He was handling you with the care of a flower. Ironic, given how he went about tending your garden. You had hardly been allowed to do anything because he wouldn’t let you. He was partly in, with a little more than half of his dick inside of you, inching in slowly so as to not overwhelm you. 

“You can move.” 

“With pleasure.” He started off slow like he did when he first put it in – in the haze of your impatience you’d consider it a snail's pace– however, the way he rolled his hips into yours to make up for it. You observed as his eyes found a new fixation on his dick disappearing into your cunt. No matter how he tried to make up for it, you needed more and you were passed not wanting to beg.

“Faster, you can go faster.” You encouraged and he didn’t need to be told twice. He wrapped your legs around his waist and the angle immediately caused a knot to form in your stomach. The snail's pace was overtaken by a speed that you could compare to a jackrabbit. Your jaw lolled and began moaning and yelling profanities mixed in with his name that hazed out in your head to sound the same. It must’ve been a mantra because he joined in too.

“You’re doin’ so fuckin good, pretty girl. Takin’ it so well.” He praised before groaning out your name causing you to clench around him involuntarily. 

“Fu-uck you’re killing me here, doll. How does it feel getting ruined by me.” He growled, drawing out of you before ramming back into your cunt. The crescendo of your bodies resonating through the walls. 

“S’good! S’good!” He laughed at how gone you were. You were his dream incarnate. As he pushed into you, he let the thought of the long wait you put him through be worth it.

He kissed you, branding your hips with his hands and using the momentum to rut further into you, as he said, “Want to feel you cum. I know you got one more in ya, pretty.”  In such a short amount of time, he had already memorized your body’s cues.

You gasped at the increase in pace and knew that you would be reaching the end soon.

“To-oh-ji! Toji! Toji! Fuuh-uck!” You had officially lost all sense. Your hips rutted into his, a failed attempt at matching his pace. 

His mouth latched onto your boob, sucking harshing on your nipple, and occasionally biting onto it. Rather than giving your other boob the same attention, his other hand traveled into your valley and made a home abusing your clit that was pulsing from the overstimulation.

“I’m close.” You warned and his actions weren’t what unraveled you. It was his words.

Unlatching from your boob, he smirked against your lips, “You're there, baby. Let go.” 

His blinds were closed all the way, not allowing a speck of light to permeate through the bedroom but you were seeing stars. You may have seen Cassiopeia amongst them all. 

His mouth caught your moans but his pace didn’t relent just yet. His movements were not as precise as they had been, stuttering between strokes, and he had begun to be vocal. He was near his end and you had to repay him for his work by clenching around his dick and tugging at his hair. 

He rammed into your cunt one final time before you felt his cum spurt inside you. This is by far the most he had cum in– no, he had never cum this much before. His body fell slack onto yours and for a while, all you felt was your chest beat in unison. He stayed inside you for a while and when he did eventually take it out, you felt your cunt clench on air at the loss.

He tossed the condom into the nearby trash can and let himself fall beside yours. It was awkward for a while but you knew that you needed to leave. You started to get up from the bed, preparing to find your clothes that had been scattered throughout the room, his hand lying on top.

Turning to face him, you saw his pose embodied a sculpture of Hercules to a tee– naked with his sheet draping over the parts you had met a few minutes prior. 

“You don’t have to leave” If you didn’t know any better you could confuse his tone with his pleading.

“It’s already so late and my driver will definitely grow suspicious if I don’t return home tonight.”

“You had a driver bring you here?” He asked unimpressed. For someone as calculated as you, the rookie mistake of having a driver bring you here was laughable.

“How else would I get here? You didn’t necessarily offer me a ride.” You reminded him while you found your phone and texted your driver 

“No but you did.” He smirked and you felt your cheeks heat up.

“Consider the offer off the table.” Though it was a threat, he found the pout etched on your face too cute to hold your threat at a value. 

You made your way out of the apartment complex to see your driver waiting for you. 

“I surmise the meeting went well.” Your driver asked as he opened the door for you. 

Meeting? What meeting? Oh, that.

Clearing your throat, you ascertain, “I don’t believe those matters concern you.”

“R-Right, my apologies ma’am.” He stuttered out. Once you had entered the car, he dashed towards the driver's seat. You saw him stumble over his feet and wipe a few nervous sweat beads from his forehead before entering the car himself. 

Your hand was hovering over the privacy divider button when he spoke again.

“Your mother asked me to remind you of the brunch you have tomorrow with your father.” 

Your heart froze.

“Noted. Can we get going now? I’d like to wake up on time tomorrow.” You assumed he had replied after but could never know for certain because you had already drawn the divider up.

Staring out of the window you notice a light turned on inside of the apartment and a shadow briefly before it was overtaken by the bustling streets of Shinjuku.

It was odd to stare at the stars knowing how they felt for the first time.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

a/n: sorry for the two month break! honestly had a lot of trouble writing this chapter. I've never written smut before so I hope I was able to do the genre and toji justice. Also, after seeing Toji in the anime recently (do not speak to me about the Megumi scene or I will cry) felt like I missed writing about my man.

italicized references:

cassiopeia: a queen in ancient Greek mythology and constellation.

hyssop and heliotrope: flowers

tag list:

@cococola-cocaine @justtnat @softvgold @missroro

comment to let me know if you want to join the tag list for future updates!

make sure to reblog, like, and comment! they really help me know what you guys like and don't like!

UPDATED CHAPTER 6

Finally updated chapter 6 and I'm working on Chapter 7 right now!

Magnum Opus | back to paradis

characters: ex! Eren x reader, husband! Levi x reader

summary:  returning back to your hometown, Paradis, with your children after the loss of your husband you are met with your first love and first heartbreak, Eren Yeager.

tags: character death, character death is Levi, grief/mourning, parenthood, aged up (26-30 yr olds), slow burn, childhood friends to lovers to exes to ?, first love, emotional infidelity, friendship breakups, angst, fluff, eventual smut, mention of abortion (not reader), problematic family

next part

someone’s 𝐌𝐚𝐠𝐧𝐮𝐦 𝐎𝐩𝐮𝐬 is their most important piece of art or literature. Consider this mine. Consider this ours.

signed, anon

Unwarranted thoughts eroded your mental plane as you watched your youngest child, Amos, grow entranced by the robotic blue cat on a used television you had come across at a garage sale a few days prior. The high chair he was sitting on was a hand-me-down from your oldest child, who was currently at school. To be a kid, unaware of life’s tribulations was a dream that was once lived to the fullest extent. 

You sighed at your mind whilst you drank your companion, decaf coffee. It had only adapted to be such in recent months, feeling the constant need to be awake for longer periods. It was alarming to know how many cups you could go through to sustain yourself. Coffee filters compiling on your kitchen counter, but with no real motivation to throw them away, they just stayed.

Having returned to the city of your adolescence now as a full-fledged adult felt oddly unsettling. Moving back to the state of Paradis was the last place you had ever thought of setting foot in again after purposely leaving it all those years ago. Though the reasoning behind that decision is convoluted into a plethora, the paramount was freedom. Having resided there for so long, you had seen it all, had experienced all there was to experience. It was tiring to repeat the same routine. That and other reasons will unravel as time passes. 

A new beginning was what your family needed and you were going to provide that no matter how much discomfort would follow. 

With your homecoming, word spread quickly throughout the 2014 Paradis High alumni forums. Many who graduated in that year had left for college and stayed in their college towns while others pursued their education elsewhere and returned. Your friend group at the time reigned from the latter. 

Sasha: 

Have you thought about it?

[sent 7:15 am]

You are grateful that you had turned off your read receipts for your messages because as soon as you read the message you made no effort in responding. They had been contacting you for a few days now via text messages and for a while, you responded. To keep the peace between you all but whenever the idea of hanging out was introduced into the conversation you’d weasel your way out. 

It was not because of a personal grudge you held against any of your old friends, on the contrary, you missed them dearly. However, times have changed and you all are not the same people you used to be. New beginnings are allowed to occur even if you return to the same place. That’s what you convinced yourself to believe. 

Refocusing your attention on the kid show — which had become a guilty pleasure to watch — you that had failed to acknowledge your front door open. 

“I have returned!” A voice rang throughout the hallway leading into the living room. Even if they hadn’t spoken, knowing them for as long as you have, simply the way they had opened the door or the sound of their footsteps would’ve been a key identifier. 

“With decaf coffee as promised! I know, I know! Some may say the best godparent ever!” The entity announced, stepping foot into the living room, completely disregarding that no one was regarding their presence.

After a few moments of silence, with only the tv providing additional noise, they attempted to garner their attention.

“Hello?” They elongated their greeting, waving their free hand frantically to attract some attention but to no avail. They were being bested by a blue robotic cat. Not a first-time occurrence for them but the streak was seriously tarnishing their self-esteem.

Of course, you knew that they were there but watching them glare at the tv screen with such hatred was amusing. These days are hard to find in your life. Walking up to them, you down the coffee you had made for yourself before taking the cup of coffee they had bought for you from their hand and patting them on the shoulder showing your gratitude. Pulling out a seat for yourself at the kitchen table as well as one for them, cueing them to mimic your movements.

Hange Zoe, is a well-known figure in the archeology world, not only for their historical discoveries but for their eccentric personality that you truly will not find anywhere else. An abnormal entity is how you’d describe them, for lack of a better word. Meeting in college through mutual friends and leaving a longstanding impression on one another, it was difficult not to grow together as family friends and the Godparent to all three of your children. They provided your small family with all they needed and have been a huge help in the last couple of months. However, their persistence though it’s commendable can be exasperating at times.

They wanted to reprimand you for not only ignoring them but your coffee intake which was the only fuel you ran on. You looked to be a decaying carcass that was fighting for life. Under eye bags growing darker, your face growing slimmer, and the clothes you wore growing duller. Times, when life seemed to be present within you, were when you were surrounded by your children; with your family. 

“So how was the drive?” You asked as you took a sip from the new coffee cup you had attained. “Anything interesting happen?”

“It was nice. They seem excited about the new school. Ace kept rambling about how he was going to be popular because he does Karate and that automatically makes him popular.” They recount as they lean back into the chair, mimicking a karate chop. “And you know Iris, she can’t let him get an ego before tearing that boy into shreds.” 

Yes, you were a mother of three. A set of six-year-old fraternal twins, Ace — one, unity and Iris — rainbow. With now the addition of your one-year-old son, Amos— to carry. Their names are all derived from foreign words as your late husband was very well-versed and interested in linguistics. To many, three kids seem like a nightmare — at first, it did to you too, but when you got to hold them close to your chest and meet them those worries faded. 

You had children reasonably young with only being 20 when you had the twins. Having your first child at 26 was a socially acceptable age to become a parent– in terms of what others have told you. Using one’s imagination, you could simply picture the terror in your parent's eyes when their then 20-year-old daughter let them know she was pregnant with a set of twins. The scene they played out in your college apartment that night was on par with Shakespeare's plays on dramatics. Even more when they realized that Levi was the one who had knocked you up – ”You let a fuck up like him get you pregnant!” or “You’re aborting them!” or “Those things will not be considered our grandchildren!”

They had apologized relentlessly for how they acted in the past but a part of you was aware that it felt disingenuous. An added reason to the reluctance to move.

Moving back to your hometown, Hange knew your mental state would falter harder than it ever was before. Hearing your children adjusting well to the move warmed your heart and alleviated your worrisome thoughts.

“I’m glad to hear they are adjusting well to the move.” Glancing at the cup you were holding, the ring on your finger was possibly the only luminous thing you did these days. “I wish he was here to see it.”

“Do you think he…” You randomly blurted out but decided to hold back the rest of the words, not wanting to believe what you were saying. The chords that unambiguously wanted to recite the score you had given to them were left with a hand that grazed them but weren’t prepared to perform. A case of stage fright. 

Their eyes narrowed at the piece of jewelry, reminiscing about the person who had given it to them. Enveloping their hands on top of yours, they rubbed your accessorized finger. 

“He would be proud of you guys.”

You remained silent for a moment. Their words were nice for reassurance but you already knew that. You simply wanted to bring him up to remember his existence — the impact he held over your life. Though he was certainly never the type to wear his heart on display, he did for you. That was your late husband, a warmed-hearted individual who was misunderstood by the majority. That was your husband Levi Ackerman. 

Your boyfriend of 8 years, your husband for 4, and the father of your 3 children passed away 5 months ago due to heart disease. His death was unexpected with one day receiving a heart-wrenching phone call informing you of his passing. No time for preparation, no warning signs, no hints - nothing. He left without a word. He said nothing. That’s what hurt most. 

The habit of making him the topic of discussion was rather unknown to you. It was natural for you to do it. Not in the same way that teenage girls would when allowed to talk about the boy they liked. Yours held an innocence that was endearing to witness for those around you. Even so, it had been exactly five months since your husband had left you and no form of help seemed to ease the sorrow. Ignoring that he no longer was there for you spiritually alleviated the sorrow, slightly.

“I wasn’t questioning that because I know him. He was always our biggest supporter. I just wanted to know…” You paused, trying to form words from all the jumbled letters compiling in your head. You were always good at articulating your thoughts. You were a gem when it came to those matters of the mind. With the newborn insomnia you had acquired, you were left a bit unrefined in your usual area of expertise. That and you weren’t prepared to ask the question.

Shaking your head, you remove your hands from theirs. “Nevermind. It seems like I can’t remember what I wanted to say. Let’s talk about something else.”

The eye-patched individual dared open their mouth to maintain the topic but your attention had already gone elsewhere. 

“Oh, I just remembered! The kids should be getting out early today. I can show them around town!” You eagerly exclaimed to your eye-patched friend, who wanted to confront you on the somewhat lie you had pulled. “I think they’ll like that.”

Taking the kids out was genuine, you had been talking to them about a good day to do it for a while. They could pry you all they wanted but you were too stubborn to open up so they chose to ignore it, for now. It was proven useless to unpackage your emotions in their years of being acquainted with you. You procrastinated til the last minute, waiting for all the convoluted issues you have stored away to ambush you at your worst because you believed that’s what you deserved. How far you strayed from the truth.

That’s why the tag along in your subject changes. “That’s a great idea! You can show them all the places you used to go to when you were their age!” 

Like stated before you had recently returned to your hometown, never in the ten years that you were away had you come down to visit. Your parents would usually make the drive to Liberio to visit. They never seemed to complain about it either, probably because it was an excuse to travel out of state. Never did they feel bothered by your lack of visitation over the years, they knew your reasonings and respected them. However, they would make comments about your kids possibly becoming snobs with the high exposure to city living. They weren’t used to the small city. This is exactly what Shiganshina used to be, only within the last year had it begun to make a name for itself with the grand opening of a hospital founded by a local family that you couldn’t remember the name of. 

As a kid, you would be found playing with your friends – such as the previously mentioned Sasha – at the park and creating fantasies on whims. Whether it was action, romance, or horror, it would be fun regardless. Every single fond memory of your childhood had been at that park. Though you wouldn’t admit it, you were happy that you would be able to share that with your children. The city park was the local hotspot for kids. You hoped that the same could be said 20 years later which you made sure to mention to your friend.

“Give yourself credit! You were plenty of fun in college so what’s to say you weren’t an equally as fun kid?” They point out as they scroll through their phone trying to find fun activities to do throughout the day. “Heard through the grapevine that you were really into keg stands.”

“That grapevine of yours might be a little tangled. I can’t recall ever doing such a thing.” You feign innocence, resting your head on your fist.

“The grapevine is very reliable when he is blackout drunk.”

“So it’s Erwin?” They choked on their drink at the name drop, patting their chest to regain composure. 

You smile, recalling the times your friends would force you out of your comfort zone. In college, you were known as the wild card. Many were unaware of the type of person you were since you were so introverted in your classes and so extroverted in social environments. People deduced it was due to caring for your grades but to others, it was very well a mystery.

“Ma! Ma!” You heard your child whine. Turning around you noticed the show had ended, which meant his attention was now fully set on you. 

“Coming!” 

You walk towards your child whose hands are already trying to grasp your shirt. Lifting him in your arms, you pat his back. “Looks like no more Doraemon for today. You’ll just have to wait until he comes to visit tomorrow.“

The child whined at your words, pouting his tiny mouth trying to go for an expression of anger but with pursing his lips the way he was a little saliva bubble made an appearance. He didn’t notice it though as he was trying to maintain his expression with maximum efficiency. His gray eyes weren’t trained on your face but on your arms which was good or else he would’ve taken offense to the benign smile traced on your lips. Even when his eyes found yours and began to pat your face harshly to wipe that expression off your face— felt like a marshmallow was being repeatedly thrown at you. All you could do was let out a heartful laugh before reaching for the small hands that were “harming” your face with one of your own, lowering them to his body. 

Another cute expression dawned on his face, a look of confusion — looked more like he was about to poop himself. The child was not prepared for your form of retaliation. As yours was by far way worse than his. Attacking the child’s face with kisses as he giggled, seemingly forgetting that he was supposed to be mad. 

Dealing one last peck on his forehead, you muzzle him closer to your body as you begin to dote on the child. “How can such an angry face still look so darn cute.” You cooed into him.

How could you ever not adore Levi when he gifted you the greatest gifts in the world; his love and your children? The greatest gifts you could ever wish to receive. If you could be greedy, you would’ve wanted him to be here. Wrapping his calloused hands around your waist, placing his warm lips onto your head, he would rock the both of you back and forth to not only calm yourselves but your child. Your other children would get jealous at this point and each individually wraps their tiny arms around either one of your legs as they’d giggle at the momentum.

Unconsciously, you had fluttered your eyes closed to envision the scene that used to be acted out without the need for a cut or a take two. You never repeated it to get it right because it always was. You repeated it for the sake of sharing moments. The author simply enjoyed how serenity was a person – a family. That family was yours, once.

Feeling a substance drip from your eyes, you were crying. You couldn’t commit yourself to the full sob as you made sure to discard the sole tear before it could make a crash landing. 

Glancing down at the child in your arms, you take into account how his eyes were drifting off into their fantasyland as you momentarily had to. 

Turning towards Hange, you let out a sigh of relief to see them so immersed in their phone looking at fun attraction sites to pay attention to you. With a gentle raise of your arms to show them the resting child, you call out loud enough for them to hear but quiet enough for the child to remain asleep. “Our little buddy here is dozing off so I’m going to put him in his crib. While I do that, you can start picking up some of the laundry or toys that you can find on the floor.”

“Using me again? I’m going to have to start charging you for my services, ya know?” They jokingly jabbed, which roused a humorous sound out of you. As you were rounding the corner towards the hallway, a vibration caught Hange’s attention. It was a message coming from your phone. They could’ve just ignored it and done the task they were asked to do but their curiosity got the best of them.

Sasha:

We’re meeting up at Perko’s at 6:30

It would be cool if you made it.

Bring your kids too! We’d love to meet them!

[sent at 8:12 am]

 The name was immediately recognizable to Hange. Not only having met her at your wedding in passing, but Hange had also heard that name a multitude of times. With the number of times, you’d talk about your childhood friends, it was fairly easy to memorize all their names and their significance to you. If their memory served them correctly, Sasha was your best friend for a large portion of your adolescent years. You described your relationship with them once in such a wholesome form; platonic soulmates.

Checking the messages being sent, they noticed you had never responded. They furrowed their brunette brows at the revelation. Why were you ignoring them? It was understandable that with how hectic your life is at the moment to not want to attend but the blatant disregard to not giving them a courtesy response was off-putting. Preserving friendships was a high priority in your life but why were you against preserving your childhood friends?

Their fingers had a mind of their own, typing away into that device of yours. 

 _____

Of course! See you there!

Miss you guys too.

[sent at 8:14 am]

 Hearing a door open was their cue to press send and place the item back where it belonged. Picking up a laundry basket that was nearby they scurried to place any miscellaneous out-of-place items into their basket. To somewhat combat the gnawing guilt they felt for putting you in a situation you were avoiding, they decided to subtly integrate it into the conversation.

“Have any of your high school friends reached out to you? From what your parents said you have been the talk of the city.” They mindlessly spoke trying to paint the narrative of this impromptu conversation.

“In my defense, the city isn’t that big.” You jest, tracing the diameters of the city using your hands. “I would be offended if I wasn’t.”

A jokester you were deflecting the question in a less than obvious way. Not hearing any laughter, you deducted that this conversation wouldn’t be casual. 

“A few have but that’s about it.” You reveal with the accompaniment of a sigh. “I don’t see a point in hanging out when we all have our own separate lives.”

“But what if they want to catch up? You know for the sake of it?” They countered, attempting to match your speed.

“I’m sure they are too busy in their own lives to have time to meet up. We aren’t teenagers anymore.” You remind them as you begin to walk ahead of them.

“Hypothetically…say they did have time to meet up?… Would you go then?” They inquire, silently praying that whatever you answered could be positive. Unfortunately for them, the drop of your shoulders and the lack of movement coming from you were enough to depict a picture of your response. At least, that’s what they surmised.

A familiar ringtone faintly sounded throughout the house which earned a raised eyebrow from you and a panicked expression from Hange. Reaching the destination of your phone and seeing yet another notification from Sasha.

Sasha:

Can’t wait!

[sent at 8:22 am]

Your eyes widened in disbelief at the text and the ones above it, trying to process the situation your dear friend had forced you into. A flash of memories swarm their way to the forefront of your mind; all the good and the bad and all the reasons why you were against meeting any of them again.  Clicking your phone off, you leave it placed in your palm, bouncing it a bit as you pivot your feet in their direction with your gaze still on the device in your hand.

“I’m going to ask you a question Hange and I want you to be honest. You wouldn’t have been going through my texts, right?” Your tone was condescending as you spoke. They knew you knew and were now unaware of their choice in how to handle the situation. Perhaps if they pretended to be clueless, you'd be less harsh.

“Well not necessarily…” They attempted to defend themselves but backtracked on their plan once they witnessed the expression that was bestowed upon them; furrowed brows, a crease developing on the bridge of their nose, attenuated eyes, folded arms over their chest, and your figure leaning on the archway dividing your living room and kitchen. 

They knew then that any form of lying would be proven useless. “It was by accident! Your phone was on the counter and I saw a message from Sasha. I got curious and one thing led to another…”

“Hange.” You push expectantly. They feel themselves shrink at your tone, averting eye contact from your menacing gaze in preparation to confess.

“Let’s just say, you have a reunion to go to tonight at 6:30…” They responded sheepishly while doing jazz hands motions. “Surprise…?”

Smacking them over their arm with a nearby throw pillow as you fume exciting the living room, “Over my dead body! What the hell were you thinking, Hange!”

They yank your “weapon” from your hands – swiftly placing it back among the other pillows on your couch – trying to catch up to your retreating form.  “I thought it was something you’d want!” 

“If I didn’t respond it wasn’t! I spent the better half of a decade ignoring them and now you want to just pop up out of nowhere for a fucking reunion!” You tried your best to not raise your voice, for the sake of your child's sleep schedule, but with the situation, it was proving to be rather difficult. 

Visibly disappointed by your response they kept on being persistent with their questions, throwing out every hypothetical situation there was known to man. All of which you turned down.

“I’ll take Ace to Karate practice for the rest of the week!” 

“Yeah right, you’re so squeamish you wouldn’t be able to handle the puking.” You remind them, watching them deflate at the memory of Ace’s first match where they had to be escorted out of the dojo on a stretcher because they passed out mid-match after seeing a kid barf out his entire lunch in front of them. 

“I’d take care of the kids! I bet they have been waiting to hang out with their favorite godparent!” They boasted about themselves, ignoring the pitiful look sketched on your face. 

After a while of listening, your anger diminished to something similar to amusement. It wasn’t as if the meet-up was going to be a regular occurrence so there couldn’t be much harm in attending. Nevertheless, you were a petty woman, and pretending to remain impassive was entertaining. You listened to their tangents as to why you should go, picking up anything that needed to be picked up off the floor. You’d muse about them for a few moments as it was entertaining to see how dedicated to their cause they were.

“Word on the street says it’s Erwin.” You retaliate as you waved a Ninjago action figure in the air that was bought by said man a few birthdays ago.

Gasping at the comment, they snatch the figure from your hands and shove it into their basket. “He hardly ever visits! How can that even be true!”

“Exactly.”

“I have a right to them! I helped bless them into the world of spirituality! Those kids are going to heaven because of me!” Your eye-patched friend pleaded as they assisted you in carrying a basket of laundry, dodging incoming miscellaneous items that coveted your house. The clutter matches your mental state. The perimeter of the boxes was littered with toys that should’ve been in their respective locations. 

“With you being the Godparent? They received an early access ticket to hell with courtesy of satan written on the back.” You mocked the delusional brunette. Rounding the corner of your house, you sighed picking up the scattered clothing items your children had graciously left for you, dumping them into the laundry basket they were holding.  

“Rude!” They huffed. They followed in your steps, picking up clothes before you could, causing you to roll your eyes at their antics. “Come on! It will be good for you! Out of the house, stress-free, and kid-free! Experiencing your wondrous childhood town now as an adult! Sounds like a breath of fresh air. I am extremely reliable so you wouldn’t have to worry your pretty head about a thing!” 

They ascertained a little too confidently as they failed to take notice of an incoming box which in turn toppled them over, spilling out all the contents in the laundry basket and box onto the floor. 

Masking your laugh with your palm, you shake your head watching as they attempt to push themselves back to stability. Situations like these make it hard to stay annoyed with them for long. Deciding to continue on your facade, you ignore them jumping over their fallen body to reach the entrance of your study.

It was the only unruly part of your household. It was secluded away from all the other parts of the house and with the odd placement of the door, it could easily be confused as a closet. Opening it you were greeted with an oak sectional desk that was chipping away, an outdated computer from your college days, framed pictures of loved ones decorating a matching bookcase, and a tower of folded down boxes that have yet to be thrown out. It was a plain room that most likely will never be renovated. 

“Come on, you never get to do nice things for yourself! I bet you miss those old friends of yours.” They tried to reason as they finally entered the room with the basket in tow.

 “Is it because of him?” They spoke in a hushed voice as if the subject was so taboo it might cause an uproar.

The elusive “him” in question was your ex-boyfriend from high school. The golden boy of Shiganshina, Eren Yeager. The first guy you fell in love with. The first guy to break your heart. Having met him at age 4 at a park when you had pushed him off a slide for hogging it for too long. Some may say that it was a toxic way to begin a friendship but it worked for the dysfunctional duo. Of course, you fell for him first. Hard not to when you were stuck with him for 10 years. It seemed like it was just as easy to fall out of love when Levi came into your life. It was easier for him too as he fell out of love with you first. Confessing to you following your high school graduation that he had been in love with another girl the entire time. 

You scoffed at their question, “I could care less about if he is there or not. I moved on and he certainly did before me.”

“But what he did was pretty messed up. It took you months to even give Levi a chance.” They recalled, wincing at the memories of said point and time in which you joined them. “Poor man would come to Erwin and me for advice. That was peak desperation.”

“Don’t remind me. You’re lucky I liked him enough at the time to put up with the shitty advice y’all gave him.”

“I thought it was pretty good…”

“No wonder you guys were single for so long.” You mumbled, not entirely opposed to them hearing your comment which they certainly did.

“May have been single but never in an empty bed. That’s how I got Moblit.” They countered, which results in you giving them an eye roll. 

“How…romantic.” You riposte, now their turn to return the gesture. 

Taking a cautious gaze towards your figure, they ask again for reassurance.“So this isn’t about the guy?”

“Look at it like this, Hange. Even if he and I wouldn't have broken up after graduation, the outcome would’ve been the same. I would’ve still met Levi and fallen in love with him. He would’ve still pursued the other girl.” You explained with a shrug. “No use crying over a decade-old spilled milk.”

“I guess you’re right but that still doesn’t explain why you don’t want to see them at all. Don’t you miss them?”

“I appreciate it, truly I do, but it isn’t about missing them or not. I want to spend time with my kids. With all that has been going on and now that I’m going to start my new job, spending quality time with them as a family won’t happen as often.” You reveal with a crestfallen expression. “I’d like to cherish these moments while I can.” 

The last set of words fed into the guilt that Hange had already felt. In the months leading up to Levi’s passing, your job had been sending you off on business trips frequently resulting in less time being spent together. Arguments manifested due to this and when you had finally decided to put aside your pride, it had already been too late. You were begging forgiveness to his casket instead of to his face.

“Now I feel horrible!” The brunette bit their lip, allowing you to see the remorseful expression that had washed up on their face. They groaned at your words, enveloping their face with their hands, and they mumbled into their palms. “I hate how selfless you can be, being a mother is basically in the cards for you.”

“If that’s so, I don’t plan on shuffling the deck.” You quip, earning another groan at your lame attempt at a joke – obviously, you laughed at it.

Their eyes narrowed as they playfully criticized you. “Ha-ha, just because you’re a milf doesn’t excuse you from making lame mom jokes.”

“The local dilfs would like to disagree, they eat that shit up. Comes in handy when I want discounts at Home Depot.” You cheekily mention, taking pride in your seductions that had recently come in handy.

Their jaw dropped as if what you said was treachery. “You skank! I always wondered how you managed to bag that lawnmower for $180 instead of $250! You just said it was on sale!” 

“Just one of my many talents.” You joke with a wink. “Besides there was no way in hell I was going to pay full price for a fucking machine I was hardly ever gonna use.”

Becoming newly widowed, you had to fend for yourself. You were so accustomed to having two forms of income flowing in your home that you had forgotten the essential skill that was budgeting. Not to say you were a wealthy family but you had enough to live comfortably. Now being the sole financial provider in the family, tactics such as the example used above came in handy. 

“So are we going?” They ask wearily, not knowing whether or not you have warmed up to the idea or not.

Leaning your head into your chair, you stared at the ceiling idly, twirling a pen you had found on your desk before giving your final verdict on their question, “They have good food there and I used to go there all the time so I guess we’d be knocking out two birds with one stone. We could probably go to the park beforehand to tire them out and I could use that as an excuse to leave early.”

They practically leaped out of their chair at your words, wrapping their arms around your frame and you returned the gesture rather awkwardly at the way they reacted to your answer. They still felt guilty as hell but when you said those words. The guilt was momentarily lifted, allowing them a breath of success. The other details could unravel themselves at another time. For now, they’ll see where the day takes them.

Retracting themselves from the embrace, they begin to head out of the room “Great! I’ll start getting Amos ready!”

“But they don’t get out for another 4 hours. He’s asleep too-“ The sounds of your child’s wails cut you off. They smile victoriously at the sound watching you furrow your brows as you point a judgmental finger at them. “Fine but don’t put him in something stupid.”

Taking faux offense at your warning, they raise a hand to their chest. “I would never! I am a person of taste!”

“If the taste is dressing my child like the pope, may Christ banish thee to hell.” You retort back, pointing to a framed picture on your wall, revealing a rather disturbing picture. It was Hange dressed in nun garb while holding a then 10-month-old Amos dressed as said religious figure in front of your old house in Marley. Your other kids were included in the picture too, your oldest son was dressed as Ace from One Piece — “he has my name mama!” and your daughter was dressed as Wednesday Adams from the Adams Family— “She’s goth. she’s cool.”

“It was Halloween! We looked cute! He looked happy!” They defended, pride burst through them witnessing the framed picture for the first time in a while.

You were beginning to doubt that you were looking at the same picture because it did not take that long to realize that child was in hysterics. Eyeing your friend weirdly as you voiced your concern. “You made my kid cosplay as the pope. How does a bald man in a gown equal a cute and fun baby costume?”

“You framed it! Must mean you think the same way!”

“It means jack-shit. Why do you think it’s in my office and not the living room?”

“To keep it for your eyes only. Very selfish if you ask me. I asked for a copy and you cursed me out.” They huffed in disappointment. 

“More like I’m taking one for the team keeping it in my office.” You snarl while looking at the individual. They ignored your comment, too caught up in their world to realize you calling their name. It took an elevated voice, a wave in the face, and blocking the picture with your body to garner their attention.

“Hmm?”

“Get the fuck out of my office.”

“Can I at least take-“

“Out!”