The Stonks Meme, But The Guy Is Kronk And It Says Stronks

The stonks meme, but the guy is Kronk and it says stronks

Chayanne and Tallulah try to organize a surprise baby shower for Phil and their new sibling (nonexistent)

The kids telling Bad that their dad is pregnant, or worse, they tell Missa

You know that ain’t staying secret and soon literally everyone except Phil thinks that Phil is pregnant and pretending (very badly) that they don’t know about it

Suddenly people are extra nice to Phil and keep giving him things?

Weird but Phil’s not going to object.

The concerning thing is that whenever a hostile mob is around it gets jumped by like six people before it can ever get close to Phil.

Phil apparently has bodyguards now that he can’t get rid of and no one will tell him what’s happening. They’ve all been sworn to secrecy.

i wished i could find the og image but.... is this anything

Elizabeth Moon in the prelude to the first book in her three book series, The Deed of Paksenarrion.

I think my favorite genre of fanfiction is when the author says something like "this was meant to be 3 chapters but it's actually going to be 5" in the notes at the end of a chapter and you can look up at the chapter count and it's like 15 or something

He sacrificed his balls to save Techno 😔

Cat au

Philza and Techno, the notorious rules of the Antarctic Empire who ruled with an iron fist, are reincarnated as cats and get adopted.

~~~~~~~~

Ranboo has had his eye on a couple of the campus cats for a while.

Well, the only campus cats, they were extremely territorial and no other cats would set foot on campus anymore.

The big one, Techie, was rumored to have fought off a rattlesnake.

Okay, maybe the cat’s names weren’t *actually* Techie and Phil, they were originally named by the social studies teachers with the same names the famous AE dictators, Philza and Technoblade. They had a similar appearance, as much as cats could resemble famous dictators, and a tight bond.

And Ranboo couldn’t exactly go around calling them *that*, now could he?

Someone would think he was one of those neo-Antarctics if he did.

Ranboo had put a lot of effort into getting the cats to trust him, sometimes just spending hours sitting on the sidewalk near the bushes where they liked to sleep.

He’d occasionally bring treats for the cats, a can of chicken or tuna, and it seemed to be working. Slowly though. Very slowly.

Ranboo really hoped they’d trust him enough to be able to take them home before he graduated.

The small light orange shorthair tabby, Phil, would sometimes come over to greet Ranboo now when he sat near the cat’s hideout, and occasionally allowed Ranboo to pet him. Techie usually watched from the bushes, distrusting of Ranboo.

Today though, Ranboo was worried. Tubbo had shown him a video one of the students had posted on ChitChat of Techie fighting a coyote. Techie had run the coyote off, but not before it got a few hits in.

So here Ranboo was, skipping class, with a bag of cat treats in his hand, a blue towel over his shoulder, and a pink cloth carrying case under his other arm.

He arrived at the cat’s favorite spot and called out for them.

Phil came *running* out of the bushes towards him, meowing loudly.

That’s not something Phil had ever done before, and it certainly didn’t reassure Ranboo about the cat’s well being.

“Hey, little guy.” Ranboo crouched down. “Are you okay? Where’s Techie, huh? I heard he got into a fight with a coyote.”

Phil, still meowing loudly, turned in a circle twice and started walking in the direction he’d come from, glancing over his shoulder peek at Ranboo.

“You want me to follow you?”

Phil kept walking.

“Okay” Ranboo stood.

Ranboo followed Phil a short way before Phil disappeared under a bush, and Ranboo knelt down to get a look amid Phil’s frantic meowing.

“Yeah, I see him Phil, I see him.”

The large reddish brown tabby lay under the bush. Ranboo shouldn’t have been able to get so close without Techie reacting, but for now he was still.

“Alright, let me get a better look at him.” Ranboo said, setting down the treats and the carrier and reaching out with the towel to gently grab Techie and drag him out from under the bush.

Ranboo caught his breath.

Techie’s fur was blood matted and the rise and fall of his ribcage was barely detectable. The complete lack of reaction to what Ranboo had done was an indication that the cat was likely unconscious.

“Oh nooooo” Ranboo breathed. “That’s not good. This- this needs professional help.”

Phil was quiet now, worriedly nudging against Techie.

Ranboo tried to think as he wrapped Techie in the towel.

“Okay, the nearest emergency vet is about a twenty minute walk. I can take him there.”

Phil meowed.

“You don’t want to let him out of your sight, do you. Okay, you can come, but you have to be in the carrier.”

Ranboo unzipped the carrier and Phil got inside. Huh. Ranboo thought that would be harder.

Ranboo got the carrier strap over his shoulder and picked up the towel wrapped Techie in his arms.

“Okay, here we go.”

~~~~~~~~~

It turned out that the walk was twenty five minutes with two cats. Techie had been whisked to the back before they even got Ranboo’s information.

Once he was gone Ranboo sorted out the situation with the front desk. The lady asked if Techie had been vaccinated, and when Ranboo said no, she asked if he wanted to go ahead and have that done.

Ranboo agreed, and asked if they could vaccinate Phil too. The vet could do that, and if he was going to be here for a few hours anyway, they could even neuter him. Techie would need time to recover before he was eligible to be neutered though, so he’d need a separate appointment.

Phil didn’t seem too happy about that idea, but Ranboo was determined to be a responsible cat owner, so Phil was soon in the arms of another veteran, on his way to surgery, and Ranboo waited alone.

A few hours later, Phil was returned to him and he got an update on Techie’s condition. He would be okay, but they’re keeping him overnight for observation, and would need a couple weeks of medication. After that he would be healthy enough to be neutered.

Ranboo went ahead and scheduled the appointment.

~~~~~~~

Ranboo takes Phil home (they gave Phil the good meds, he is very high) and takes Techie home the next day.

Techie recovers well, but Techie is very stubborn and refuses to get in the carrier and Ranboo can never get him to the vet.

Not even after Techie warms up to him.

I love everything about this, but especially that Phil lost his balls in the divorce...

Chamomile and lavender tea, maybe?

Oh no, someone dropped Techno into a particularly large, half full teacup. I hope he doesn’t drown.

I think he'll be okay

Maybe because it’s a crime to eat it unless you happen to die from natural causes and she convinces someone to let her keep it.

when am i going to meet a woman who wants to eat my heart unironically