I Come From A Long Line Of People With Something Wrong With Them

I come from a long line of people with something wrong with them

“And I think that’s what a father is / —a blade that never stops cutting.”

— Desireé Dallagiacomo, from “Origin Story,” Sink (Button Poetry, March 5, 2019)

must be nice to be able to let things go, unfortunately everything that has ever happened to me never leaves my mind

arcane starters

❝ i’m going. are you coming with me or not? ❞ ❝ you see this look on my face? this will always mean it’s time to shut up. ❞ ❝ you gonna get that door open any time soon? ❞ ❝ yeah, well, can’t escape the past. right? ❞ ❝ nothing feels impossible when i’m with you. ❞ ❝ if you want to last in this world, you must learn to be both a fox and a wolf. ❞ ❝ despite it all…i can tell you have a good heart. ❞ ❝ there’s quite a lot about me you don’t know. ❞ ❝ what matters is that we’re together. ❞ ❝ i will give you the world, if you prove you can take it. ❞ ❝ you don’t seem to grasp how serious this is. ❞ ❝ i’ve seen this power in the wrong hands. it corrupts, consumes, lays waste to civilizations. ❞ ❝ when did you get so comfortable living in someone else’s shadow? ❞ ❝ my back is to the world that was smiling when i turned. ❞ ❝ real power doesn’t come to those who were born strongest, or fastest, or smartest. it comes to those who will do anything to achieve it. ❞ ❝ we can’t change what fate has in store for us, but we don’t have to face it alone. ❞ ❝ we’ve all had bad days. but we learn. and we stick together. ❞ ❝ you carry your chin so high, you fail to see the opportunity below. ❞ ❝ oh, the misery. everybody wants to be my enemy. ❞ ❝ listen, i’m sorry for disappearing last night. ❞ ❝ i never thought i’d see you again. ❞ ❝ you weren’t always the peacekeeper, were you? ❞ ❝ when people look up to you, you don’t get to be selfish. ❞ ❝ we are definitely not supposed to be here. ❞ ❝ i couldn’t have done it without you. ❞ ❝ you mistake arrogance for bravery. ❞ ❝ you’re gonna have to lay low for a bit, understand? ❞ ❝ what was that? what the hell happened back there? ❞ ❝ we’re almost there. ❞ ❝ i know you have your reservations about me, but this only works if we can trust each other. ❞ ❝ i expect better from you than excuses. ❞ ❝ go crawl back into whatever hole you came out of. ❞ ❝ there’s this thing…in your head, and it’s raging. ❞ ❝ everyone makes mistakes, right? what’s important is that we don’t repeat them. ❞ ❝ there’s a monster inside all of us. ❞ ❝ you have to believe me. i didn’t do this. ❞ ❝ a little danger is worth the risk, don’t you think? ❞ ❝ tell me your nightmares and fantasies. ❞ ❝ all i see is a boy meddling with things he doesn’t understand. ❞ ❝ one day…this city’s gonna respect us. ❞ ❝ i ruined everything. i always do. ❞ ❝ i feel like you and i get off on the wrong arm. ❞ ❝ i can hear the sound of our hearts beat. ❞ ❝ take a breath. you can do this. ❞ ❝ you don’t know war. i do. ❞ ❝ there must be something else we can do. some other way. we’ll make a new plan. ❞ ❝ you got a good heart.    don’t ever lose it, no matter how the world tries to break you. ❞ ❝ nobody wins in war. ❞ ❝ i think it’s time to say goodbye. ❞ ❝ what makes you different makes you strong. always remember that. ❞ ❝ is that why you came? to insult me? ❞ ❝ this question lingers before you: have you had enough? ❞ ❝ magic is far too dangerous in the wrong hands. ❞ ❝ i pray our love will always stay. ❞ ❝ how did you get in? there’s guards everywhere. ❞ ❝ i’m just…not that man anymore. ❞ ❝ the only way to defeat a superior enemy is to stop at nothing. to become what they fear. ❞ ❝ i trusted you. and you betrayed me. ❞ ❝ i want to fight. i can help. ❞ ❝ you did what you had to do to survive. ❞ ❝ i need to know that i can rely on you. ❞ ❝ you’ll get people killed. for what? pride? ❞ ❝ i’m proud of you. always have been. ❞ ❝ your problem is never knowing when to shut up. ❞ ❝ you’re the one who always says we have to earn our place in this world. ❞ ❝ did you even stop to think about what could have happened to you? ❞ ❝ i suppose that concludes our business, then. ❞ ❝ when you’re going to change the world, don’t ask for permission. ❞ ❝ we’re not gonna be caught. we’ll be in and out before anyone notices. ❞ ❝ if you’re done beating yourself up, let’s go home. ❞ ❝ listen, i don’t want any trouble, okay? ❞ ❝ stop talking to me like i’m a child. ❞ ❝ i thought we could walk together. ❞ ❝ in what mad world would i trust someone like you? ❞ ❝ you’re all i have left. i can’t lose you. ❞ ❝ fear haunts us all. ❞ ❝ you know what your problem is? you expect everyone to give you what you want. ❞ ❝ i just…i just want her to be safe. ❞ ❝ we’ve accomplished a lot together. and there is more yet to achieve. ❞ ❝ you never did know when to walk away. ❞ ❝ that pain that makes it feel like it’ll eat you from the inside out, can either break you or forge you into something greater. ❞ ❝ it’s a sad truth that those who burn brightest often burn fastest. ❞ ❝ we’re almost there. ❞ ❝ sometimes death is a mercy. ❞ ❝ do you ever say ‘thank you’? ❞ ❝ loneliness is often the byproduct of a gifted mind. ❞ ❝ you’re praying for my fall. ❞ ❝ every time i think you can’t get dumber, you dig a new low. ❞ ❝ i don’t even know your name. ❞ ❝ no monster’s gonna get you when i’m here. ❞ ❝ that place looks like it has bodies in the basement. ❞ ❝ you failed. don’t disappoint me again. ❞ ❝ i know it sounds impossible, but when have we ever let that stop us? ❞ ❝ why? why would you risk this? ❞ ❝ take your place at my side. it’s where you belong. ❞ ❝ get ahold of yourself. i taught you better than that. ❞ ❝ you’re just a little man in a little hole the world forgot to bury. ❞ ❝ if dangerous ideas didn’t excite the imagination, we would never wander astray. ❞ ❝ it’s all right. at least you’re okay. ❞ ❝ i wish i could say it gets easier, but i’d be lying. ❞ ❝ today’s screw-up will set us back weeks. ❞ ❝ don’t be so concerned. i’m about to make your day. ❞ ❝ you’re stronger than you think. ❞ ❝ i’ve seen your face around here. ❞ ❝ in the pursuit of greatness, we failed to do good. ❞ ❝ i would set the world ablaze to protect our family. ❞ ❝ i have to get home. it isn’t safe for me here. ❞

HE’D NEVER HAD THE LUXURY OF HATRED, ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN IT CAME TO HIS PARENTS. Michael can’t even hate his father despite the pain electrifying his every nerve and the knowledge of what he’d done to him. Old enough to remember her leaving, unmoved by his father’s lies to others after she’d left — never pushed to hatred for her despite wondering what his life might have been like if he’d chosen to go with her. His refusal had been simple. Not wanting to abandon the only parent who approved of his guilt over Evan, not daring to follow the parent who promised him he wasn’t a murderer. Growing up at his father’s side and thinking late at night: where is she ? Would life be better with her ?

Now he’s still not sure, but what he does know is that he would not look like this if he’d left with her. Swaying on feet that he’s unsure even belong to him anymore, or the machine that had taken his body as its own, Michael stretches his mouth in the facsimile of a smile. It feels false, but the soft look in his eyes is not. “ I should’a visited sooner, ” he tells her, and startles at the sound of his own voice: it sounds like him, quiet and accented slightly more like his father perhaps, but his own mind refuses to recognise it, “ I’m sorry. ”

Try as he might, the apology wobbles. He ducks his head, refusing to cry in front of anyone in front of her, specifically. Might not even be human enough to do so. How does he ask for comfort from a woman he realizes, belatedly, he doesn’t truly know since she left ? “ Can I — Can I come inside ? ” Michael chooses to say instead, avoiding her eyes. “ It’s real cold out here. ” He’d walked all the way here based on a simple memory of an address. Desperate to see his mother again, though uncertain if his rash action is one to regret yet or not.

@bitterborne   \   michael   :   “ i bet you weren’t expecting me , were you ? ” [ post-scooping :’) ]

𝐀   𝐋𝐈𝐅𝐄   𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓   𝐖𝐀𝐒   𝐎𝐍𝐂𝐄   𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐅𝐄𝐂𝐓   with   all   the   prospects   of   growing   old   to   watch   her   children   give   her   grandchildren   ,    so   on    &*    so   forth   ,    ripped   away   from   her   violently   with   her   husband's   misdoings   .    being   as   awful   as   a   man   as   he   had   become   making   the   matriarch   grow   resentful   of   him   ,    horrified   he   was   her   husband   .    still   adoring   her   children   with   every   fibre   of   her   being   but   leaving   their   lives   to   protect   hers   .    a   mind   filled   to   the   brim   with   dark   thoughts   encircling   all   around   her   own   end    &*    demise   is   not   what   they   needed   in   a   mother   .    running   fast    &*    running   far   from   her   husband   all   in   the   name   of   self   preservation   .    an   incredibly   selfish   act   for   a   mother   .    though   the   day   she   lost   her   youngest   son   ,    she   was   no   longer   the   same   rosa   who   had   birthed   any   of   them   or   even   married   william   afton   .

wanting   them   all   in   her   lives    &*    even   offering   her   eldest   boy   the   choice   of   coming   with   her   ,    though   his   denial   was   one   that   she   respected   .    lost   contact   of   course   after   years   became   long   .    skin   remaining   taut    &*    eyes   while   dulling   still   vibrant   with   life   .    the   same   could   not   be   said   for   michael   .    for   a   moment   she   is   horrified   .    for   this   did   not   look   like   her   boy   .    how   flesh   looked   as   though   it   were   rotting    &*    becoming   more   pale   by   the   day   but   she   knew   michael   .    she   would   always   know   him   .    mouth   coming   to   open    &*    close   ,    shake   of   her   head   briefly   .     “   what   happened   to   him   ”     coming   to   cross   her   mind   though   that   would   be   answered   in   due   time   .    of   course   there   is   still   shock   in   her   gaze   as   mouth   remains   agape   for   the   moment   before   reminding   herself   to   close   it    &*    head   comes   to   shake   .     ‘   of   course   not   ,    but   i   can't   say   i   didn't   miss   you   ,    papa   .   ’     pet   names   for   her   children   rolling   off   her   tongue   with   ease   .    for   if   he   hated   her   ,    he   hasn't   told   her   outright   yet   .    expecting   it   if   she   were   frank   .

(he did...)