There Was Not A Single Heterosexual Thought Going Through Cal's Head In This Entire Scene And You Can

there was not a single heterosexual thought going through cal's head in this entire scene and you can tell

can people plsssss stop with the "mel pawing at andres door wondering if he'll open it ever again" PLEASE IM SO SAD PLEASE

ka-blam!

random rachel angst i wrote in a crazed brain fried haze after i studied college statistics for 4 hours and ruptured all my neurons. enjoy!!!!!!!!or not if it sux ballz

(the pov is rachel watching cals cross burn lol)

my cal.

crusted in dried blood. shackled beneath soil . reduced to rot . eternally scorched in flames .

i wonder if you recognized my voice amidst the thousands as i screamed for help? i wonder if you considered painlessly relieving me of my imminent guilt and misery with an exit wound at the sound of it? i wonder just how badly you must’ve hated me to decide otherwise? i wonder if you mentioned me in your suicide note , or if i wasnt even worth that? did you think of me at all in your final moments?

you dont know just how lonely and morally conflicting it is to grieve for someone so unanimously and rightfully scorned . you dont know the betrayal of making it out and immediately searching for the boy with the angel hair and the dewey eyes when hed been hiding in the reflections of crimson pools and silhouetting himself in billows of gunpowder smoke the entire time. and even after knowing that, still pathetically looking for glimpses of you.

im so sorry .

i should have been more for you . laughed at a few more graves with you . been mindful enough to see past the sheer veil of yourself you preformed as . known you at all .

was the boy who held my hand as we trick or treated in the dark because he was too scared of walking alone lying to me too? how about the sunburns he carelessly collected when he came over to swim in my pool during these same sunny spring afternoons such as today, were those real? when i dig into my closet to cry into the old sweaters he left in my room, will the threads unravel at the seams and sift through my fingers? will he still sing to me in mixtapes of covers he made of my favorite songs or will there just be static?

but i see you now, staring down at me from your wooden frame as god would on judgment day. this, only, i know for a fact, is you. unashamedly, utterly you, burning in all its repressed, fiery glory . the glowing embers of you drift with each gust of wind, carrying you farther . and farther . until the wind fails them, and they singe the ground it falls on, leaving only streaks of black .

you dont have to keep it inside anymore . i hope, if anything, there is closure in that for you . because it sure as hell wont be for me .

you will be choking and heaving up the ashes of your mutilated, charred cross for eternity. even maggots prefer flesh less putrid than yours . you selfish piece of shit . you vile, fucking coward . you will haunt me forever . i love you, cal . and i miss you, dearly.

posted this on tt i feel y’all would appreciate

cal’s little siblings not understanding the scars and marks on his arms. he lies and tells them they’re from mel, that they play fight all the time. of course, they believe him. they’re young, and cal’s their older brother so why would he lie?

one afternoon after cal and andre babysit cal’s siblings, his sister comes running into the house to show their mom that she “matches” cal. mel had given her a tiny little scratch on her arm. she was so excited that they were able to share that experience, even if it was a lie.