I've Not Been In A Good Place Mentally. I Find My Mental Health Deteriorating Day By Day. There Are Too

I've not been in a good place mentally. I find my mental health deteriorating day by day. There are too many things I'm struggling with. I feel so bogged down, constantly in my fucking head, I just want to jump off a cliff tbh. Childhood trauma really fucks you up like nothing else? It has been resurfacing and i find myself crippling and spiralling. I can't imagine how my 12 year old self must've coped up with it.

When I was really tiny, I was extremely wise. I used to behave like a 50 y/o when I was barely 10/11, carrying the guilt, the shame and the baggage of my abusive family. I was often appreciated and praised for being mature. I was deeply conditioned to please all my family members. I would be patted whenever I gave into their decisions, let them choose for me and went with their choices. Everytime I spoke up for myself, took a stand, I was criticized.

I don't know if it's my Neptune and chiron in the 4th house or Lilith and Capricorn in the 4th house, but my childhood was a nightmare. It was so traumatic that my body panics even today when I think about it. As a family ritual, my family would engage in fights everyday where 10 people would yell at each other at the top of their voices.

I have always been a sensitive child with deep emotional wounds, I often found myself taking the role of a mediator, trying to calm them down. I could not stand conflict. I hate conflict. I hate fighting with someone. It triggers the fuck outta me. I feel so trapped and suffocated. I'm 22 now and nothing has seemingly changed.

I feel terrible looking back, knowing I was never allowed to live my childhood like other kids. I don't know what people love about their childhoods. Why they'd want to be kids again. I would never go back if I had a time machine. I have always wanted to grow up, I'm so grateful I did. I can't wait to be financially independent.

I slipped into depression after my family kept taunting me about wasting my university fee. I was called a disappointment and a waste of space. Why are people allowed to have kids when they don't know how to raise them? Why am I surrounded by so many narcissists who rely on so-called "reputation" and would rather let go of their dreams to do what the society expects them to do?

I don't know where to start healing. I am such a mess. I hate being here. I hate I ever desired to reincarnate in this household. Honestly? Give me my childhood back. I fucking hate this. I don't want to be responsible. I grew up too quick. My mind can't catch up to all the stress. I just want to be there for myself and do something that makes me happy.

Also, in my observation I've found that narcissists never change. I once told my mom I wanted to die and had a panic attack, I fell on the ground crying and begging her to talk to me. She was so numb. She told me I should stop crying if I didn't want the neighbours to think my family was inflicting some kind of pain on me.

Words will never do justice to the sleepless nights I've spent, being there for my parents when they should've been there for me instead. I'm so bitter, hateful and vengeful. I will not forgive them for what they did. I will not forgive them for passing their trauma onto me. I will not forgive them for snatching my childhood away from me, for dismissing my PTSD, for treating me like shit when all I deserved was unconditional love.

You know what sucks the most? When you've been through so much and still choose to love, trust and fall for someone? But they end up repeating the same cycle, treating you like doormat, mirroring your wounds and taking advantage of you. Breaking you in infinite ways. Healing is so painful. Healing comes at a huge price. I don't know what's easier. Hoping to heal, or wanting to fucking die.

I'm sorry for the vent, I needed an outlet.

In-Law Game : Open

hi! this is my first game since i’ve been back 🫣In this game, I will use tarot to predict how your in laws (or future in laws) feel about you.

How to participate

1. follow me

2. reblog this post and my pinned

3.submit in ask with your initials, sun sign, and the emoji of which question you’d like answered. also, please clarify if they’re your present or future in laws

4. please be patient. the response will come out 2-3 weeks from now.

💝what does my mother in law think about me?

❣️what does my father in law think about me?

💞what does my sister in law think about me?

💓what does my brother in law think about me?

❤️what will my future in laws first impression of me be OR what was my in laws first impression of me?

I hope you all enjoy this 😁

🔮FREE READING GIVEAWAYS🔮

I just hit a little over a 100 followers which isn’t much but to me it is considering I only started posting 2 days ago so ty! :)

🧿If you’re interested🧿

Follow

Like

Reblog

and I’ll choose 2 random people❤️‍🔥

Closes may 6th!

Happy Birthday dear☺️💓

I wish you all the happiness in your life and enjoy your day 💖💖

Thank so much bub ❤💕

I hope you're doing well 🥺🫂

Hey, I hope you’re doing well! I’m here for the exchange reading. The questions I’m gonna do for you is automatically the questions I pick for myself🙋🏻‍♀️

I’m H, cap ☀️

How will you meet your FS?

I’m getting you will meet your fs when you're out may that be in nature when alone or with friends. It can also be that you will meet them when going out to a cafe near the place you’re visiting. Outside strongly.

How will you recognize your FS?

You will automatically catch his eyes like immediately you will be looking at him somehow. It can be that you’re gonna feel his presence when you're near him. Something just force you to recognize him.

What is the journey that will lead you to your FS?

I feel the time will come when you’ll get to meet them is when you've almost completed a big lesson in your life. Everything seems content, not overly joyful but very fair in a common sense. And bam he will enter your life just like that maybe as an extra push to help you finish the lesson?

I’m looking forward for your reading. Thank you in advance. I like your color design btw 💗

Hi, hon! How are you? I'm doing very well. Thanks for asking! And thank so much for participating in the exchange readings. :)

Coming to your reading:

How will you meet your FS?

You will meet your FS is an isolated place. It could be a spiritual retreat or just a spiritual place for that matter. It'll have very calming and therapeutic vibes. Could also be when you're visiting a psychologist? Something to do with shadow work etc. It could also be when you're out on the beach, basking under the sun and sunbathing?????? You'll meet them after you undergo a major transformation and wake up to your spiritual gifts.

How will you recognize your FS?

This person will enter your life after you've been wrong in some way, you would have learned a major lesson when this person shows up in your life. You could be pretty guarded at first, but this person will be extremely lovingly. They'll uplift you and your vibration when you're around them. They see you as someone stable, abundant and loving, and they'll treat you with a lot of love. Acts of kindness, I'm hearing. You'll recognize them after you've known them for a bit because they feel so familiar, almost from a past life. You'll feel a deep sense of belonging, as if you finally found your person. Your inner child will accept them with open hands. The way I see it, you'll know it in your gut. You won't have to question their intentions because there will love mutual love and understanding between the two of you. Your FS is going to be a hardworking gentleman.

What is the journey that will lead you to your FS?

Again, I'm seeing the need for a deep cellular healing and transformation. I legit got the death card. Confirmation!!! You will undergo a transformation that will compel you to go within and sit with your emotions. You could be carrying a lot of emotional baggage, and it could lead to feelings of unworthiness. Before you meet your FS, you will not be in the best place emotionally, but you'll be on your way to heal your trauma, and your baggage. You could be releasing a lot of pain you've been holding onto. If there's someone you need to cut yourself off from, you'll do that. I see you getting at a better place mentally, and freeing yourself from darker thoughts that make you spiral. Your FS will be very healing to you. :)

I'll drop the feedback for my reading in your asks.

I hope that helped. If it resonates with you, I'd love to hear your feedback haha. Take care ✨✨

Helloo! First of all I didn't expected this to be that accurate! I got from a reader back then that they struggled with money problems, which you also mentioned. For over all I resonate a lot with your reading, thank you a lot! 🥺 but, he has a crush on someone? Oh nope imma break up without me even knowing him 😤 thank you again a lot, that you took u your time. Have a great day, love youu! 💞

Thank you so much for the amazing feedback! I am so glad the reading resonated with you. 🥺🫂