Narcissticabuseawareness - Tumblr Posts

I've not been in a good place mentally. I find my mental health deteriorating day by day. There are too many things I'm struggling with. I feel so bogged down, constantly in my fucking head, I just want to jump off a cliff tbh. Childhood trauma really fucks you up like nothing else? It has been resurfacing and i find myself crippling and spiralling. I can't imagine how my 12 year old self must've coped up with it.

When I was really tiny, I was extremely wise. I used to behave like a 50 y/o when I was barely 10/11, carrying the guilt, the shame and the baggage of my abusive family. I was often appreciated and praised for being mature. I was deeply conditioned to please all my family members. I would be patted whenever I gave into their decisions, let them choose for me and went with their choices. Everytime I spoke up for myself, took a stand, I was criticized.

I don't know if it's my Neptune and chiron in the 4th house or Lilith and Capricorn in the 4th house, but my childhood was a nightmare. It was so traumatic that my body panics even today when I think about it. As a family ritual, my family would engage in fights everyday where 10 people would yell at each other at the top of their voices.

I have always been a sensitive child with deep emotional wounds, I often found myself taking the role of a mediator, trying to calm them down. I could not stand conflict. I hate conflict. I hate fighting with someone. It triggers the fuck outta me. I feel so trapped and suffocated. I'm 22 now and nothing has seemingly changed.

I feel terrible looking back, knowing I was never allowed to live my childhood like other kids. I don't know what people love about their childhoods. Why they'd want to be kids again. I would never go back if I had a time machine. I have always wanted to grow up, I'm so grateful I did. I can't wait to be financially independent.

I slipped into depression after my family kept taunting me about wasting my university fee. I was called a disappointment and a waste of space. Why are people allowed to have kids when they don't know how to raise them? Why am I surrounded by so many narcissists who rely on so-called "reputation" and would rather let go of their dreams to do what the society expects them to do?

I don't know where to start healing. I am such a mess. I hate being here. I hate I ever desired to reincarnate in this household. Honestly? Give me my childhood back. I fucking hate this. I don't want to be responsible. I grew up too quick. My mind can't catch up to all the stress. I just want to be there for myself and do something that makes me happy.

Also, in my observation I've found that narcissists never change. I once told my mom I wanted to die and had a panic attack, I fell on the ground crying and begging her to talk to me. She was so numb. She told me I should stop crying if I didn't want the neighbours to think my family was inflicting some kind of pain on me.

Words will never do justice to the sleepless nights I've spent, being there for my parents when they should've been there for me instead. I'm so bitter, hateful and vengeful. I will not forgive them for what they did. I will not forgive them for passing their trauma onto me. I will not forgive them for snatching my childhood away from me, for dismissing my PTSD, for treating me like shit when all I deserved was unconditional love.

You know what sucks the most? When you've been through so much and still choose to love, trust and fall for someone? But they end up repeating the same cycle, treating you like doormat, mirroring your wounds and taking advantage of you. Breaking you in infinite ways. Healing is so painful. Healing comes at a huge price. I don't know what's easier. Hoping to heal, or wanting to fucking die.

I'm sorry for the vent, I needed an outlet.

What I Wish I Could Tell You

I wish I could tell you to leave him--to run away and never look back. But I can’t. You still love him (the potential you’ve always seen in him). You still have hope that one day he’ll change--that one day he’ll buy you gifts on your birthday and comfort you when you cry. 

You’ve seen who he really is (an empty shell), but you don’t believe it yet. You can’t believe it because you still think that it’s you. You know you don’t deserve to be cheated on, insulted, and silenced. You know that...but you don’t believe it. You think, “if I just try a little harder and do a little more for him, then things will be better. He’ll stop hurting me”. But the truth is he won’t--because this isn’t about you. It’s about him, and it always has been.

 No matter how much harder you try or how long you wait, it will never be enough. A black hole is insatiable, and you are already running on empty. He will keep taking your light until you, too, are an empty shell--a husk of who you once were.

 I wish I could tell you that you’ll feel so much lighter once you’re free of him--that home won’t feel like a prison anymore and you’ll be able to breathe without the constant weight of fear suffocating you. 

I wish I could tell you that I know all of this because I’ve lived a story just like yours--that I, too, was afraid to leave despite knowing I deserved better. That I, too, betrayed myself over and over again all in the hopes of winning the love of someone who never even existed in the first place.

I can’t tell you this, and I won’t. But that’s ok--because you’ll figure all of this out on your own, in your own time. I know you will, because you are strong.