For The Fake Title Game: Wrecked

for the fake title game: wrecked

Title: Wrecked

Pairing: Junhui & Reader

Genres: angst, dystopia-ish au, android au, hanahaki-ish au

Words: 2.4k (00:10)

Notes: hoverport is my future-y word for flying car

Warnings: blood, implied major character death

-

In pretty much every sense of the word, the android you find off the corner of fifth and March is a wreck.

It's nothing you haven't seen before -- androids have always been like punching bags (or stress balls) to the more well-off that can afford to replace them. So it's really no surprise to find one nearly torn to shreds in the heart of the Ruby district, or, as you like to call it, rich bitch central.

The thing has been utterly decimated, and you almost pass it by on your routine nightly search for spare parts, but your eyes catch on its chest, where something bright pink shines through the damage. It looks beyond a lost cause, but... damn, is that a 301 New Gen processor? And, hold on... that's the new artificial skin grafting formula. Holy shit. This hunk of metal is the newest model of android available to the public -- if you can call the top 1% the public. (You don't.)

Quickly, you fumble for your phone in your pocket and scroll through your contacts.

"Jihoon? Sorry for waking you. Yeah. I need you to bring your truck."

-

It takes you over two months to fix the android to semi-working condition. Most of the time is sucked into finding the right parts -- or, at least, parts that might work as replacements for the insanely expensive parts you'd actually need. Luckily, most of the essential pieces were still intact, if not a little scratched up.

One of the arms was unsalvageable, so you scrapped it completely and replaced it with one you already had in the shop. It's not an ordinary android arm, though. You'd found it in another one of your searches some years ago and stripped it down to practice your patching and soldering on. It still works just fine -- you hope -- but the shiny grey surface looks harsh against the android's fancy grafted skin.

It's almost disorienting how real the new skin formula feels when you touch it. Imperfect.

You try not to linger on that.

Pressing your hands on both of the android's temples, you power it on. A quiet whirring fills your ears in the silence of the shop, and you drop your arms.

The android's eyes don't flutter when they open. You're met with two brown eyes, one slightly lighter since you had to replace that, too. It's less disorienting than you expected it to be. More warm.

Because as soon as the android's sensors process you in front of him, it smiles.

For a few seconds, you're completely entranced by its smile. Android smiles aren't supposed to look that... real. Right? You know tech designers have tried -- for years -- but you don't think one has ever looked as nice as this.

Not important.

You shake your head and clear your throat. "Commence startup," you say as clearly as possible.

"Commencing." Its voice isn't like you expected, either, though you don't really know what it is you were expecting. You watch silently as it stands impossibly straighter and closes its eyes for a few moments. "Startup complete." It opens its eyes and holds out its hand, palm up. "Please enter identification."

From your back pocket, you pull out your ID card and press it into the android's palm, waiting for the usual beep of recognition. The sound is softer than what you normally hear from retail androids.

"Understood," it says, dropping its arm to its side. "I am Android Model Number 6.81-4. I am happy to help." After that, it just stands still, its lips lifted in that warm smile.

This sounds slightly more like the androids you're used to. You're just thrown off by that weirdly realistic face.

"Do you have a name?" you ask, unable to remember the model number it just told you.

It blinks. "Unable to recall."

"Then commence data recovery, please."

"Commencing."

While you wait for the android to retrieve its memories -- which you hope goes smoothly, considering the not-so-hopeful condition of one of its memory chips -- you move around your shop and clean up a little. Jihoon will have your head if he comes to the morning shift and finds it in such a mess. Occasionally, you'll twist your head to peek at the android from across the room. Even though its expression is neutral while it processes its own data, you can't seem to erase that smile from your mind. The power of money, huh.

"Data recovery complete."

You pop up from where you were crouched down and rifling through some drawers. The android smiles at you from across the worktable. Just as you open your mouth to ask the same question you posed before, it does the same.

"My name is Junhui."

-

"Damn," Jihoon says, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his coveralls. "He's beautiful."

"I know, right?" You watch Jihoon ogle Junhui, a huge, proud smile on your face. "I still can't believe I found him."

Junhui simply stands still under Jihoon's gaze. His signature smile has yet to go anywhere -- you're beginning to think it's his default expression.

"I don't know if you'll be able to sell him in this condition, though."

You frown. Before Jihoon said that, you weren't even considering selling Junhui -- you'd worked months on him, you couldn't just give him away. Still, it's a scratch at your pride to say that nobody would want to buy your hard work.

"Are you kidding? He works perfectly," you defend, even though you're not totally sure of that. You haven't gone through everything to check yet.

Jihoon shrugs. "Yeah, but with that arm and the grafting damage, what can he do better than a cheaper labour android?"

"Junhui."

The android looks at you, and his smile widens almost imperceptively. "Yes?"

"What features does your model have that previous models don't?"

He answers without hesitation. "Android Model Number 6.81-4 is, at the current time, the closest android model to a human being. I am able to comprehend emotional stimulants and react accordingly. My facial expressions are programmed to mimic that of a human's, and are more accurate than any pre-dating model. For example, when I am asked to process new data, I may furrow my brow and/or slightly open my mouth."

This is the first time you're hearing any of this, but you turn to Jihoon with a victorious smirk. "See?"

Jihoon isn't bothered by you. Instead, he looks intrigued as he eyes down Junhui. "Can you process human emotions?"

A blink. "Yes."

"Elaborate," Jihoon pushes.

"As I am able to comprehend emotional stimulants, I can come to a logical conclusion as to how a human would react to a certain stimulant. For example, 'death' is a stimulant for sadness."

Jihoon crosses his arms. "And you know what sadness is?"

"Yes." Both you and Jihoon are a little surprised by the way Junhui's lips turn down into a frown. It's almost like he's offended by Jihoon insinuating he doesn't know something -- must be one of the mimicked facial expressions he mentioned. You hold your breath at what he might say next. "Sadness is defined as the condition or quality of being sad."

The breath seeps out, and you can't tell if you're relieved or disappointed. It's a terrifying thought -- having machines so advanced as to understand human feelings. Yeah. You're relieved.

"Do you know what being sad is?" Jihoon continues to prod, and you're a bit concerned at how into this he is.

"Feeling or showing sorrow; unhappy."

"And happiness? What does that feel like?"

Junhui's frown deepens, and his brow furrows, just like he spoke about earlier. "I... know the stimulants which results in happiness."

"Then--"

"Jihoon." You put a stop to Jihoon's interrogation with a hand wrapped around his arm. "Stop. You're going to fry the processor I took weeks to figure out."

-

When you're alone with him, Jihoon whispers, "I'm sorry.

"I just don't like it. They keep making androids closer and closer to humans... it's not natural. It freaks me out."

You brush him off with a casual smile. "Yeah, yeah. Just go back to fixing your precious hoverports, why don'tcha?

-

After Jihoon heads home for the night, sore and grumpy after lying under hoverports all day, you decide to take Junhui back home with you. Before you turned him on, it was way too inconvenient, but now he can just walk alongside you.

It's mostly quiet on the walk back. You feel a lot safer under the blanket of night with Junhui next to you -- normally, the streets at night are more daunting.

"Were you going to sell me?"

Androids don't ask questions. You don't really process before you answer him.

"Nope."

Too busy stuck in your head, trying to understand why or even how Junhui asked you something so unlike any android you've ever interacted with, you don't notice the way Junhui's lips curl up or the word that slips quietly from him.

"Good."

-

You expect life with a brand new, better-than-the-rest android at home would be easy. Nope.

Every day, you learn something new about Junhui, and every time you do, he seems to act that much more human. It's scary at first, but you grow to get used to it -- his metal arm is a good reminder of what he is, even if his face doesn't show it.

-

It's a night like any other night that you cry.

Life sucks, and for one reason or another, you slam your apartment door behind you with tears streaming down your face.

Junhui approaches you at first with his usual smile, but it drops when he sees your condition. You'd feel cared for if you didn't know that's just in his programming.

What you're almost sure is not in his program is hugs.

But he's hugging you anyways.

"Junhui," you mumble, frozen in shock. "What are you doing?"

"Tears are a result of sadness."

"Okay but... what are you doing," you repeat.

His arms don't loosen at all around you. "My data says that humans respond well to this type of touch during moments of duress."

Well, he's not wrong. You don't mind this hug at all, but a thought tickles the back of your mind.

It's all in the data. None of this is real.

-

Of course, your heart doesn't care what your mind thinks.

You walk into the shop after a particularly stressful trade deal to find Jihoon standing next to the hoverport he's been working on.

"Where's Jun?"

Jihoon turns your way and smirks, pointing down at the floor beneath the hoverport. You walk closer and look around the worktable to see Junhui slide out from beneath the hoverport, grease smudged on the coveralls you got him when he started helping you around the shop. He smiles at you, big and bright, and oh fuck.

Not noticing your inner distress, Jihoon holds out a hand to help Junhui stand up -- not that he needs it.

"For an android, he's not too bad."

Not too bad indeed.

-

It starts as a tickle in your throat.

You think you know exactly what it is, but you brush it off as dehydration anyways, and when Junhui questions about it, you just ask him to pass your water bottle.

Jihoon doesn't say anything when you ask him to watch over Junhui the next day, thankful for the extra helping hands while you're out.

The first petals are grey.

Funny, you think. Unnatural flowers for your unnatural love.

Fuck.

-

You can't keep Junhui away for long. He comes home all on his own after three days of staying at the shop, and you don't even have the strength to greet him at the door.

Jihoon stopped accepting your flimsy excuses tonight, and he would've come back with Junhui if it weren't for his respect for your privacy -- one thing that Junhui doesn't have.

He finds you on the floor next to your bed, blood smeared over your chin and clothes.

"You're ill," he states simply as he sits you up. His expression turns into that of concern, and if it didn't hurt so bad, you might just laugh. Damn advanced programming -- making you think he actually cares.

"No shit."

The two words are all it takes for another coughing fit to rack through you, more painful than the last, as is the pattern you've suffered through in the past three days. Grey petals spew from your mouth, partially stained with red. Junhui's eyes dart to them, and you watch in tired amusement as he processes the information.

"Hanahaki disease," he identifies.

You want to say bingo, but you don't.

"My data says that the Hanahaki disease was eradicated over one hundred and fifty years ago."

"Yeah, well. My data--" You hold up stray petals in front of his face. "-- says otherwise. Runs in the family."

Junhui’s brow furrows. “Understood.” A few seconds pass, filled with only the low hum of Junhui’s engine and your shallow breaths. Your eyes are screwed shut from the pain. “I do not know how to help you.”

You didn’t think he would.

“Jun... you know what it’s like to want, right?”

He blinks. “No. Wanting is a human trait. I have no desires or needs.”

“That’s where you’re wrong.” You see him frown and open his mouth, probably to tell you that he can’t be wrong, but you cut him off. “It might be a little different, but you have your own wants, Jun. Your programming makes you want to help me. That’s why you came home today even when I told you not to. You decided to come here on your own because you wanted to. Get it?”

You can almost see the metaphorical cogs spinning behind his eyes. “Understood.”

“What you don’t know is how to be selfish,” you tell him. “Humans want what we can’t have, and that’s what makes us weak.”

Junhui’s eyes glance over at the bloodstained petals once more.

“Hanahaki disease is caused by unrequited love. You are suffering because you want something you cannot have. Understood.”

You can tell he’s still searching his databases for ways to help you, but it’s no use -- too late for anything now.

“Are you in love with someone?” he asks.

You smile. “Yes. Madly.”

“Then stop.”

You laugh.

You laugh and you cry and you cry some more because you’re in love with a fucking robot and have flowers growing in your lungs.

“I want you to live.” It’s the first time he’s used that word. Want.

You look up at him. At his two brown eyes, one lighter than the other. At his fake skin and fake frown and fake heart. You want to bring your hand up to his cheek, but you don’t have the strength.

“Then I guess we both want things we can’t have.”

idk if theres a way but i dont like how i cant properly arrange tags using mobile 🧍. i still have to fetch my laptop to properly arrange them 😭

22:17 - y.jh

“please?” you plead, clasping your hands together. your fiance looks down at you with a stern composure as you continue to look up at him with those wide, pleading eyes. he sighs, pinching his nose bridge.

“fine.”

within 5 minutes, you’re straddling jeonghan’s lap, your tongue stuck out in concentration as a variety of hair pins, stickers and clips were littered around his long, black hair — the long black hair he grew out for about 5 months now. you couldn’t help but smile widely from how adorable he looked.

“you’re such a kid.” jeonghan scoffs. despite scowling in his seat, jeonghan couldn’t help but feel his heart double in size, the warmth exploding in his chest. as you continue to work on your ‘masterpiece’, his hands came down to rest on your hips, his soft thumbs caressing your skin softly.

“how could i help it?” you mindlessly answer. “you look so pretty with them.” jeonghan’s face flushes as he diverts his eyes, opting to play with the ends of your shirt.

the cold metal of his engagement ring against your skin makes you shiver a little, your heartbeat quickening from how flustered you felt as he looks up at you — admiring the way your eyebrows scrunched together in concentration, admiring the way your fingers delicately brushed through his hair as you looked for another spot to stick a 3D heart sticker on his head full of sparkly accessories; admiring the love of his life.

jeonghan mulls over your words, the comfortable silence in your living room prolonging until he cheekily smiles up at you.

“oh? if it makes someone look pretty, then i bet you’ll look gorgeous. i’m doing it on you next.” he grins, lightly pinching your thigh playfully, making you roll your eyes.

time passes by with the both of you just sitting in the comforting atmosphere as you continue to work on jeonghan’s hair, adding some final touches before you felt the sleep kicking in. you were nodding off every few minutes as he held you, his grip on you tightening the slightest bit to keep you from falling off to the side of the couch.

“okay, we’re going to bed.” jeonghan mumbles, carefully standing up as he tries not to wake you, carrying you to your shared bedroom and setting you down on the bed. quietly getting under the bedsheets himself, jeonghan scoots closer to you as you instinctively reach out for him, immediately nuzzling into him. jeonghan softly smiles to himself as his arms snake around your waist, pulling you impossibly close to him as you subconsciously find warmth in him, a smile ghosting upon your lips as you fall into a deep sleep.

you couldn’t wait to do this to him every single day.

wc. 460

tags 🏷️ —

@arafilez @etherealyoungk @fairyhaos @gyuguys @georgia-hong @hannieheartuu @haowrld @kyeomyun @saiidahyunie @starshuas @seuonji @shieunviya @welcometomyoasis @wqnwoos @wheeboo @yoonzinuhh

networks 🔗—

@preciousillusions-net @cacaokpop-fics @caratsland @k-labels

SVT WORKS

lmk if you want to be added/removed from my taglist !

ⓒ lvlystars

It takes two - Y.JH

Summary: 

Being with Jeonghan has always been easy and a dream come true. But lately, having to deal with being alone with your 6 year old and having a full-time job has started to be very tiring. You don’t want to burden Jeonghan but you don’t know how much longer you can hold it in. Maybe surprising him on tour will help.

Wordcount: 4.9k

Warnings: not many, dad!jeonghan on tour and nonidol mom! reader, angst, fluff, happy ending, reader has some fears and anxiety, suggestive but not explicit smut

Requested: yes, here

P.S - Italic is for thoughts mainly from the characters’ perspective and quotes. Bold is for text messages/calls/voice messages between characters

Your relationship with Jeonghan has always been stable over the years. Sure, like all relationships, you’ve had ups and downs. But the ups and the happiness you shared when you’re together has always overshadowed anything else that might have tried to break you two apart.

You’ve always known from the beginning what it meant being in a relationship with an idol. And, let’s be truthful, you wouldn’t go through it for anyone else but him. 

It was difficult in the beginning. Having to hide, pretend you were single for the most part. Always meeting at weird hours in the night so he wouldn’t be followed. But every time he walked through the door of your apartment, all those worries and annoyances disappeared. 

It had always been like that. One look at his face. The way he always smiled when he first saw you, and you were done. Nothing else mattered. You would push through anything for this man. You knew that from the very first day. And you knew he felt the same way. There’s no way this low energy angel would have done as much as he did for you if he didn’t feel the exact same way.

You met him 8 years ago. Married him a year after that. A ‘whirlwind romance’ everyone had called it. Almost a year after that, your son was born. He looked so much like Jeonghan. You were thankful for that. At least whenever Jeonghan needed to be away from you, you would have this little angel to look at and hopefully ease the pain in your chest from missing Jeonghan so much.

Over the years it has gotten worse. The pain. And missing him. Yes, you knew what you signed up for but it doesn’t mean it has gotten easier to deal with. 

If anything, it has gotten harder. Every time he has to leave. And you have to explain to your son every night why his dad isn’t home and won’t be able to call that night. And if that isn’t enough, you still have to deal with the hate from certain ‘fans’ who will forever want you gone from Jeonghan’s life.

It has gotten worse for your son too. The older he gets, the more he understands what’s going on around him. Which means, the more he misses his dad whenever he’s not around. The more he notices when you get a snide comment thrown at you in public.

Hanbin used to be more understanding of Jeonghan leaving when he was younger. Or maybe time passed by more quickly for him then. Lately, he has not been as understanding and it has been taking a toll on you.

Having a full-time job and a young boy to take care of started to feel like too much for you. You always knew that being a single mom was hard but man, it’s much harder than you ever thought. 

And then you feel guilty. ‘Single mom’. That’s not what you are. But sometimes, it sure feels like it. 

The rational side of you knows you need to talk to Jeonghan about it but burdening him with your worries and fears is something you can’t do. He already feels guilty enough every time he has to leave you two. You can’t add to that.

Today at work you got a call from Hanbin’s school. This has never happened before. Your boy has always been the sweetest, gentlest soul. You used to say his face was all Jeonghan but his soul was all Joshua. The perfect combination. 

You left work and picked up Hanbin from school. You apologized to the teacher and made him apologize to the other boy he had hurt during recess. You did not get back to the office. You decided you needed some time with him. You weren’t the only one hurting from Jeonghan’s recent departure for tour.

You were going to take him to the amusement park 45 minutes away. It was his favorite and you wanted to make him happy today. Even if he misbehaved, this wasn’t like him and you knew that.

“Binnie, let’s go to the amusement park, yeah?” you asked him as you started to drive away from the school.

You noticed when you looked in the rearview mirror he was looking at you suspiciously.

“What? Don’t trust your mom, now? Talk to me, baby” you had told him.

“I was bad. Why are we going to my favorite park if I was bad?” he asked you.

“Because I know you, Hanbin. This is not like you. And I know why you did it. I miss your dad too, you know?” you asked him.

“He said something about you” he said quietly.

“Who did, Binnie? The boy you pushed?” 

“Yes. Why does everyone say good things about dad but they always say bad things about you?” he asked you. He didn’t fully understand what it meant being an idol and he definitely didn’t understand the consequences of marrying one. You wanted to try and explain as best as you could.

“Your dad is loved by a lot of people, Binnie. He always was. From a very young age. He is an artist in the public eye and that’s not easy here. 7 years ago he had to tell them he met the love of his life. Most people were happy for him. But some… They didn’t like that. Which meant immediately, they didn’t like me. I’m sorry you have to hear them talk about me that way, baby” you told him sincerely.

“I will always protect you, mom. They don’t matter” he said and he seemed to be a bit lighter. Less worried and annoyed. Good.

Hanbin ended up falling asleep after that conversation and you only woke him up once you reached the park. You had a wonderful afternoon together. 

When you got home, things were good. You were waiting for Jeonghan’s call. He hasn’t been able to call you and Hanbin in the last few days with their busy schedules and the time difference but he promised you and your son he would call tonight. 

When it started getting late, you knew. There would be no call tonight. You also knew Hanbin had been looking forward to this for a long time. You’re going to have to be the messenger and you already know this is not going to go well.

You turned to your son who was already falling asleep on the couch.

“Binnie, time for bed. You have school tomorrow. It’s getting late”

He looked at you angrily. ‘Here we go again’ you thought.

“No. He promised. I’m not going to bed. No. No!” he started to shout at you and you could see he was starting to tear up. So were you.

“I know, baby. You know dad’s schedule is not easy. He will call when he can. You know that” you tried calming him down and keep your tears at bay.

“No, no, no, no. Why? He promised! HE PROMISED!” he shouted and started to cry. You moved to hug him on the couch and you sat there together for a few minutes. 

“Come on, let’s go to bed, yeah? You can sleep with me tonight, Binnie” you whispered to him as you tried to calm him.

“You’ll call him tomorrow, right? Tell him I’m mad. He broke his promise” he asked you.

“I will, baby” you told him and you started getting your son ready for bed.

Once he was fully asleep on your bed, you decided to make a couple of phone calls. First one to Jeonghan. He didn’t pick up. You knew that would be the case so you left a message:

“Hey, Hannie. You didn’t call tonight and Binnie is really sad. We understand your schedules are hard but don’t promise something you can’t keep. You know he takes promises very seriously. I hope you are okay. Please, call me back when you have time. I don’t care about the time. Just call me. Please. Stay safe. I love you”

Second call was to Seungcheol. No answer. Makes sense so again you left another message:

“Hey, Cheolie. I was wondering where you guys are going next and when. I wanted to see if it would be okay for me and Binnie to surprise Jeonghan. Talk to whomever you need to talk to and let me know. Thank you. Stay safe!”

After leaving both messages, you got ready for bed and joined your son.

You woke up a few hours later with your phone ringing. You silenced it as soon as you reached over so Hanbin wouldn’t wake up and you left the bedroom to answer the call.

“Hey, angel. Did I wake you? Sorry, you told me to call back so… I shouldn’t have though” Jeonghan said on the other side of the line.

“Hey… No, I’m glad you did. How are you?” you asked in a hushed tone as you sat down on the living room couch.

“I’m okay… How are you? You don’t sound good, baby” he told you and you were holding back tears at this point. You didn’t want him to hear you cry but you just missed him so much. These last few days have been so difficult.

“I’m… Okay… Binnie has been a bit difficult in the last few days but we’re hanging in there” you told him in your best fake voice.

There was silence on the other side. And after a few seconds, he finally spoke.

“I’m sorry… I know it must be hard being alone with him and with your job” was all he said. But what else could have he said? You were so tired… So, so tired…

You were ashamed of yourself, but in these weak moments you have thought about divorce. This was hard. Too hard. It wasn’t about love. It was about needing a partner with you all the way. You have always struggled with anxiety but it has stayed dormant for many years. Until now. All of those feelings were back. You felt like you were drowning sometimes, like you couldn’t breathe.

“We know it’s not easy for you either” was all you said before tears started streaming down your face. You were doing your best to stay silent, for him not to hear your pain. You don’t want him to feel worse.

“I’ll call you guys tomorrow. I promise. No matter what. Tell Binnie I’m sorry about tonight, please” he told you and you could tell in his voice he was as sad as you at this very moment.

“I will… He’ll understand. He always forgives you as soon as he gets a glimpse of you, you know that. I have to go now but I’ll talk to you tomorrow, yeah?” 

“Of course, go rest, baby. I love you…” he said and the tears were flowing faster now.

“I love you too, Hannie…” you told him before you hung up the call.

You went to bed but you could barely get any sleep that night.

You went through your morning routine with Hanbin, dropped him off at school and went to work. You had talked to him in the morning and you explained everything to him and told him tonight they would be able to see and speak to Jeonghan. 

Hanbin went to school happy. That’s all that mattered in that moment.

As you were getting ready to leave work and pick up Hanbin, you got a text from Seungcheol.

“Sorry, Y/N. We were so busy yesterday, I couldn’t pick up but absolutely yes. Please. I already talked to our manager, he’s going to call you about the details but join us. He misses you both terribly and he’s a pain in the ass when you’re not around. Tell Binnie his favorite uncle has a gift for him!”

It made you smile. Seungcheol always knew what to say to make you feel better even if he didn’t know you weren’t feeling your best.

Before you left work, you went to your boss’s office to request time off. You never did this anyway. You had barely taken any time off this year. 

You couldn’t wait to pick up Hanbin and tell him you were going to join Jeonghan on tour. He was going to be so excited. You would have to adjust the details with his school but again, you had never taken him out of school before so you were sure it would be okay.

When you two got home, you couldn’t stop smiling and your son knew something was different.

“Mom, what are you hiding? Tell meeee” he said also smiling now.

“Well… I have a secret… Can you keep a secret, Binnie? Between you and me, only? No telling dad?” you asked him as you started helping him into a bath.

“Promise. And you know what promises mean to me, mom” he told you seriously.

“I don’t know when yet but we are going to go see dad on tour for a few days. Only if you want to, of course, if you don’t–”

“Yes! Yes! Yes! I can’t wait, we’re gonna have so much fun! I miss dad” he told you excitedly.

“I know, baby but we have to keep it a secret. It’s a surprise for your dad so you have to be my buddy and keep this between us, okay?” you asked him once he got in the bath.

“Yes, I’ll be so good. Dad won’t know anything” he said and started playing with his toys. You laughed and went to the kitchen to make dinner for the both of you.

After dinner, Jeonghan called as he promised. Hanbin was immediately over the broken promise and he was very good at keeping your secret. You let them have their moment and they stayed on the video call for a couple of hours before you could also talk to Jeonghan.

You talked for a bit but then you had to get Hanbin to bed so you had to hang up. 

You felt a bit better though. It was always like that. One look at him and things felt better already. 

The next day you got the call from their manager and you set everything up. You and Hanbin would be leaving in a week and you would stay with them on tour for a week as well. They found a time between two dates where you would have time to spend as a family and you are very grateful for everyone right now.

Finally, tomorrow you two are leaving to go meet Jeonghan. And tomorrow can’t come soon enough. Surprisingly, Hanbin’s behavior has been worse. He has been so excited to see Jeonghan that he barely sleeps. He has been throwing tantrums more often and you are back to feeling a bit hopeless. 

But it will all be okay, tomorrow you’ll meet Jeonghan and it will all be okay. 

Also, Hanbin has been creating a few gifts for their fans. He said he wants to surprise them and show that we are good. So that maybe they will change their minds about us. It’s funny. Never once did you include him in the explanation about the hate you get. You wanted it to be clear. You were the reason, not Hanbin. But your son will always protect you and he never wants you to feel alone. He’s way too smart for his age.

The next day, you are woken up by a very excited Hanbin. It was a bit too early but you knew there was no stopping this now. 

The company sent for a car and you would be escorted by them all the way to the boys. This part was nice. Not having to worry about being seen, touched by people you didn’t know. They would guarantee both your safety there and back.

The plane ride was a wild ride. Hanbin couldn’t sit still, he had so much energy, he just couldn’t contain his excitement and you joined him. You played games, watched movies, and ate good snacks. You were both so happy. In these moments, you felt guilty about some of your previous thoughts. You could never leave them. They were your everything.

After you landed, they took you to the hotel first so you could settle. The boys were already at the venue and all of them knew you two were coming except Jeonghan. You took a quick shower, got ready and made sure Hanbin had his gifts so that you could finally go to the venue.

You got to the venue and you both got led backstage to the common room where the boys were getting ready for the meet & greet. Your heart was beating so fast. You didn’t know why you were nervous but you were. 

Hanbin ran to the door and busted through the room way before you did. You could hear all the excitement from far away. Everyone sounded so happy together. You missed this. 

As you were getting close to the door, Jeonghan walked through it and he was looking around. Once he spotted you, he ran to you. He held you so tight. You wanted to cry but you didn’t. Hanbin came running after his dad and hugged you both.

“Hanbinnie, let your mom and dad have a moment. Come show uncle Shua the gifts you made for our carats!” Joshua told Hanbin and you were thankful, you needed a moment alone with Jeonghan.

Hanbin went back to Joshua and they both went into the room where again you could hear all the excited voices coming from.

Jeonghan pulled away from the hug and kissed you. Hard. He kissed you like he was going to lose you the next second. You missed him so much. Everything about him. The way he smells, the way he tastes, the way he makes you feel when you’re in his arms.

You two finally move away to breathe.

“I missed you so much, baby. Thank you for coming. I’m so happy you two are here. I was going crazy without you” he had told you and all you could do was nod.

You held him tight again and you just stood there in silence, holding each other until you had to join everyone else.

You still had some time before they had to go, so you all just stayed in the room. Most of the boys were focused on Hanbin and you and Jeonghan were focused on each other. Finally.

“We can have a giveaway for carats with your gifts, Hanbinnie. What do you think?” Hoshi asked Hanbin.

“It’s from me and mom. You have to say it’s from mom too. Not just me” he told Hoshi seriously.

The boys turned to look at you and you just told them ‘Later’ and they all understood you would explain later.

It was time for them to go and Hanbin asked if he could join them since the giveaway was from us. They all looked at you.

“What do you think?” Jeonghan asked you as he held your hand. 

You were nervous. You didn’t want your boy to receive any kind of hate. It was something you alone would have to bear for your small family. Jeonghan could sense your hesitation and he knew why.

“I’ll keep him safe, promise. It’ll be okay. He’s a charmer, they’ll fall in love with him right away” he said as he smiled at you to comfort you.

“Okay. Binnie, be good. Follow everyone’s rules, please” you had told your son. He gave you a thumbs up and held Hoshi’s hand. 

“Come with us, hmm, baby?” Jeonghan asked you.

“No, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Not yet” you told him sincerely.

“Love, it’s been 7 years since we told the world. They are the ones that need to adapt, not us. We did nothing wrong. Come with me, please. Just for the giveaway. You know Binnie would love that too” he told you as he squeezed your hand.

You wanted to join him, you did. But you started to think about the last time that happened. About the looks of hate and disgust and you just can’t. You’re not ready.

“I came here for you, Jeonghan. Not them. I know we did nothing wrong but I can’t deal with it right now. I’m… I’m not ready” you told him and you hoped he would understand.

You didn’t want to tell him your anxiety has been back and worse than ever. This was all you could tell him right now. You hoped he would understand. And he did.

You decided to ask some members of the team to help you sit in a place in the arena where no one could see you. You wanted to see the boys in their element and you wanted to see Hanbin as well.

They led you to an empty spot and no one could see you but you could see them perfectly. Hanbin and Jeonghan were holding hands and were so happy. You made the right choice. They started announcing the giveaway and Hanbin was gesturing to speak. Oh. This could go very wrong.

“Hi, carats! My name is Hanbin. This is my dad. He’s cool. But my mom is also very cool. She helped me make these gifts for you and we’re going to give them to you now but you have to earn it!” your son said and everyone started laughing and clapping.

Jeonghan was right. Everyone loved him. He sounded so grown up when he spoke to the crowd. You were so proud of him.

Everything went great. They had the giveaway and the meeting continued after that but you went back to get Hanbin. He was so excited and happy. He kept saying he is sure people will love you now. What an amazing little human you created.

Everything else went perfect. You had some food together, you watched the concert with Hanbin and in the end he was happy and so tired.

You went backstage to join everyone and to tell everyone good night. You had to go back to the hotel and get Hanbin to bed but when Hanbin woke up he must have thought you were taking him home and he started yelling and crying.

He jumped from your lap and ran towards the boys. He started saying you were mean and a lot of other things that you knew he didn’t mean but you’ve reached your boiling point and you did something you have never done before.

“Enough, Hanbin! Enough! No more tantrums! Stop!” you yelled.

You yelled at your son. Loud. Very loud. Everyone was staring at you.This was very out of character for you, they were all confused. Except Hanbin. Hanbin was crying and holding onto Jeonghan tightly. 

“Hey, Binnie. Look at dad. I have an idea. What about you have a sleepover with your uncles, huh? You can stay up late and play some games. What do you think?” Jeonghan had lowered himself to his son’s height and was trying to calm him down.

“Really?” Hanbin asked back at him.

Jeonghan looked around at the boys and they all agreed happily. 

Suddenly, Hanbin seems to have forgotten all about your offense. He is leaving happily with Seungcheol, Joshua, Seungkwan and Hoshi and the rest of the boys follow them out. 

“I think we need to talk, love. I don’t know what’s going on with you but I want to” he told you and you started to cry.

He held your hand and led you towards the exit. This wouldn’t be a conversation to have here.

You got to your hotel room and you were still crying. He looked so worried. This was something you never wanted. But at the same time, you’re so tired. You’re exhausted.

“Talk to me, baby” he told you as he sat down next to you on the bed.

“I’m just exhausted, Jeonghan. I knew what I signed up for when we got together and I knew what was going to happen when we got married and had children but I’m so exhausted. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this. The other day, at Hanbin’s school, another mom told me I almost seemed like a single mom the way I was always running to drop off and pick up Hanbin. That she never saw Hanbin’s dad around. She meant it as a joke but it didn’t feel like a joke. It was exactly how I felt. How I feel. I feel alone most of the time” you started telling him as you sobbed.

He didn’t say anything and you knew this was a sign for you to keep going.

“I know I chose this. I never wanted to hire any help. I just… I want a normal family. I know now that’s not possible at all and I have been stretching myself to make this work. I never wanted to be the mom with the nanny. Picking up the kids because I couldn’t. It’s my fault too but even when you’re home. You’re not? Most days you get home so late, we don’t even see you. We’ve accepted it as normal. I accepted it because I didn’t want to disappoint you. I didn’t want to burden you. I know how guilty you feel every time you leave us. I didn’t want to make it worse for you” you continued.

“But I can’t do this anymore. Something needs to change. I can’t keep feeling like I’m drowning, alone. You know I even thought about divorce” you said and he flinched away from you.

“I did. I thought about it. I already felt like a single mom. Maybe it would be for the best. You get to have your life, the way it always was. No guilt. No burden. You would be free” you told him and he also had tears running down his face now. You know you don’t really want this. You hope he knows this too.

“You think that’s what I want? You think losing you would make me feel free? Unburdened?” he asked you as he wiped his tears and your tears.

“The day I met you, you saved me. I was going through the motions but I wasn’t happy. I had a life everyone dreams of having but I felt empty. I am nothing without you. I am nothing without our family” he continued.

“I’m so sorry you’ve felt this way for this long. You should’ve told me. It takes two to make a marriage work. You are never burdening me. These last few weeks I’ve known something was wrong and you wouldn’t tell me. You know how frustrating that is? Wanting to help you but you won’t let me?” he asked you as he held your face and forced you to look into his eyes.

“I’m sorry…” you whispered.

“Don’t apologize. Never apologize for this. I had a suspicion of what was wrong. You know Cheol and Sara went through this exact same thing last year? She did to him exactly what you were doing to me. I know it’s hard being with us. Dealing with everything. But we need to talk. We need to communicate with each other about all of our worries. It’s the only way for this to work. We will find a solution for whenever I’m on tour. We just need to talk about it. As for the times I am home but overworking, I will talk to everyone about it and set boundaries for my schedule” he said and you interrupted him.

“No, Hannie. I don’t want you to sacrifice your work–”

“I won’t sacrifice you. Or our family. Cheol has done it too. Set schedule boundaries. The company understands. We’re not 22 anymore. We have families. We are husbands and fathers. We can’t work until 3 AM every night and tour for months without a break” he told you while looking into your eyes.

You felt so relieved. All the weight has been lifted from your shoulders. All you needed to do was talk to each other. You won’t make this mistake again, you know that much.

“You love me, baby?” he asked you as he licked his lips and stared at yours.

“I love you so fucking much… You love me, Hannie?” you answered and asked him right back.

He leaned in and whispered against your lips.

“You are everything”

He started to kiss you then and everything faded away. Nothing matters in this moment. Only you and him. Alone in this room. Loving each other. Desperately. Passionately. 

The rest of the week went by fast. You three spent most of the time together without anyone else. Exploring the city and having fun.

You were thankful this little angel had 12 uncles around that could distract him while you and Jeonghan had your alone time. 

The days were for the whole family. But the nights were for you and Jeonghan. Every night he made love to you. He made you feel exactly like what he had told you that day you finally talked. He made you feel like his everything.

You kept talking through the week and you had made a decision together. It was time to consider a part time nanny but also it was time for you to consider working less hours. You weren’t sure how your boss and company were going to take this but right now it doesn’t matter.

The only thing that matters is making sure you two will never have to go another day without telling each other and showing each other how much you love one another.

Because it takes two to make a marriage work, but it takes the three of you to make your heart complete.

Hey guys! I hope you guys enjoy this one. I hope I honored the request while still being able to add some of my vision! 😭😇 As usual, please let me know in the comments and such if you enjoyed reading it 💕 Thank you for supporting me! CHEERS 🥂

lens of ice | yjh | two (final)

pairing: jeonghan x f!reader genre: figure skater jeonghan, light angst, a little fluff, these people are just in soo love, smut word count: 17k summary: jeonghan has only one chance left to make it to the olympics. as he embarks on this decisive journey, you, a documentarist, are set to follow him as he seeks the ultimate glory. warnings: minors do not interact, kissing, masturbation (f) a/n: i can't belive i actually managed to finish this one! i started to write it maybe in october and it took me forever but here it is. again, thank you to @ressonancee for giving me the idea and putting up with my shit💓

part one || part two (final)

The thought of going back on your word crossed your mind, truthfully. You weren’t even sure why you said yes to dinner with Jeonghan in the first place.

It was a recipe for disaster. It was the only way you could possibly describe the situation, to begin with. The flirting had gotten out of hand, to the point where Seungkwan was already angry and had said “if he grows balls big enough to ask you out, please say yes, this tension is annoying”. Vernon had agreed.

When you heard that from Seungkwan, you thought that he was crazy, that he had completely lost his mind. While it was safe to say that you had developed a crush on Jeonghan, something completely inappropriate in your work, it was hard to tell where he stood.

You liked to think that from day one you were able to say what was on Jeonghan’s mind. You had been able to say that he was holding back on his answers and you called him out on his shit, something that proved to be very efficient, because after that he started to answer all of your questions with honesty. Or at least, you liked to think that he was.

It never really crossed your mind that Jeonghan might have some sort of interest in you. You thought that he was flirting more for sport than for anything else.

The rumors ran around, about how he was sort of a player but he was careful not to date any other skater. Not to create a sense of discomfort, someone had said on a forum online.

It was something that you had yet to ask him. About his love life. And there were two main reasons for that: 1) you didn’t know if it was something that he wanted to talk about and unless he had a wife or a serious girlfriend, it mattered very little to the documentary; 2) you didn’t want to know the answer.

It had never happened to you like that before. You had done so many interviews, went to many places, met so many different people, and not a single one of them was able to captivate you quite as Jeonghan had.

You knocked on the door and waited. A second later, Jeonghan opened the door. You had grown too used to seeing him in comfortable clothes, shirts that were way too big for him, sweats. The only piece of clothing that showed any shape of his body were the pants he used to practice and even then, everything was hidden under a large hoodie.

The man in front of you had tailored pants and a dress shirt on, the sleeves folded back, revealing his arm.

You cleared your throat, suddenly unaware of what to say.

“I was thinking you had given up,” he said with a smile, almost uncertain.

You shook your head immediately.

“There was a lot of traffic today, it’s a friday after all”

It was indeed friday but there wasn’t as much traffic as you made it seem. The truth was that you were late to leave your apartment. Just as you were leaving you got cold feet and sat down on the couch for about twenty minutes, wondering if you were doing the right thing.

What if whatever happened that night, let it be good or bad, affected your job? Realistically speaking, there was no way that it wouldn’t. If it turned out to be a bad date, then things could get awkward. And if it turned out to be good you simply wouldn’t know how to handle yourself or him.

“Sorry that I didn’t take you out, out. And this is all that I had to offer”

He took a step to the side, giving you enough space to walk in. Although you had been to his home many times and sort of knew how it looked from the heart, it felt different to walk in without having Seungkwan and Vernon at your back, carrying one too many bags of gear. The place looked all too different and familiar at the same time.

“No, this is great actually” you smiled at him.

Your smile grew bigger once you saw the table he had set. The room was half lit by candles, in the center of the table was a small vase with fresh flowers, the city behind the window a perfect canvas. A bottle of wine waited for the two of you and the plates, delicate porcelain, were set. Instead of sitting opposite each other, Jeonghan made it so that you were both facing the window.

“You said you liked the night view,” he said while scratching the back of his head.

You turned to him, smiling, wanting to reassure him that it was perfect.

“I really do,” you said softly “Did you cook?”

The apartment smelled heavenly. It was the smell of homemade food if you still even knew what that was like. At least you had never ordered food that smelled like that. Maybe ordering was something that you weren’t that good at, or maybe Jeonghan was just one of those people who went above and beyond even when just ordering.

“I did,” he said proudly “I don’t know if it tastes good, but I followed the recipe to the T”

He pulled the chair out for you, his smile sweet while he watched you. 

The little butterflies on your stomach found life again, suddenly floating around. You wanted to face-palm yourself. Just a few months before you thought the worst about Jeonghan and suddenly there you were, saying yes to a date with him, your heart hammering inside your chest. 

With one of his hands still on the back of our chair, Jeonghan reached for the bottle of wine, pouring some of it into the glass in front of you.

You expected him to sit by your side but he took a step back, making a turn to the kitchen. You started to get up to follow him, but Jeonghan came back and pushed you onto the chair again. 

“Let me help you,” you laughed, looking up at him.

Jeonghan scrunched his nose at you and shook his head. 

“You stay right here. I’m just going to bring the food out”

He squeezed your shoulder before moving to the kitchen.

You rested your chin on your hand, looking at the city in front of you. There were very few parts of town that had such a beautiful view, not that you were one to enjoy looking at lit-up buildings. But maybe it was the moment, it was the way the way your skin tingled where Jeonghan’s fingers had touched you. You pressed a hand to your chest, urging your heart to calm down a little.

You liked to think that you were only feeling that way because it had been a long time since you had dated someone, since anyone had shown real interest in you, since you wanted to get to know someone past the work environment. 

There was a little movement to your right before Jeonghan came back into the room. He set the dish in front of you and while you weren’t too sure what it was — it looked like some kind of stew — it smelled and looked amazing.

“I have to admit that I don’t usually cook a lot, or at all most times” he laughed “Most times someone comes in and cooks enough for a week or two, following the diets I have to be on. So all I have to do is take it out of the freezer and eat”

You watched as he set the dish in front of you, steam coming out of it, and put some on the place in front of you. He did the same for himself before finally sitting by your side. 

“I never saw someone around here, besides Joshua”

You took a sip of the wine before taking the spoon in your hand. 

“She usually comes when I’m out for practice, or in these past few months…” Jeonghan was in the middle of his sentence when he saw your writhed face “What’s wrong?”

“I’m really sorry,” you said, covering your mouth with both hands, trying to hold back your laugh.

Jeonghan looked at you, laughing too, but he was in complete disbelief.

“It can’t be this bad” he reached for his spoon.

You were already laughing when Jeonghan started to cough, taking a large gulp of the wine. How had he managed to fuck up so bad was beyond him. He followed the recipe to the details but somehow it tasted bitter.

“Did you taste it, at all?”

“I… no?”

He groaned when you started to laugh at him again but somehow ended up right along with you. 

“I swear I followed the recipe,” he said again. 

He wanted to have a nice date with you and get to know you better. Although it wasn’t going exactly as he had planned, seeing you laugh like that, so loudly and carefree somehow made it all worth it. Jeonghan made a mistake that he shouldn’t have, one that with someone else would have turned the night into a complete disaster but with you, it became something to laugh about. 

And Jeonghan loved the sound of your laugh. Since he met you on that first day, he wondered what it would be like to hear it. You had gone off on him, baring guns in both hands, your hostility screaming at him the entire time. 

He had done his best, or at least he thought he did. However, on the very next day, you called him off on his shit and said that the footage they had was unusable because he hadn’t been honest enough. 

Jeonghan hadn’t been honest enough with anyone, ever. He wasn’t even sure that he was honest with himself. He always worried about whether or not he was able to move forward. Pushing forward was one thing, actually living was another one, entirely too different. 

Throughout most of his life, Jeonghan only knew how to push forward, like a bull. The world around him mattered very little, the people around him mattered even less. 

Somewhere along the way, Jeonghan became all too obsessed with numbers and the love he had for the sport became a shadow. Even then, when he was doing everything in his power to make it to the next Olympics, his last, he wasn’t really sure it was something he still wanted or if he was doing all of that simply because it became second nature to him. 

Skating was like breathing but it had become awfully painful to do so. 

And then you came in and for the first time, he wanted to impress someone. Who he already was, or the version of him he showed, did nothing for you. You looked bored most of the time. Talking with Seungkwan about it had made things clear in his mind. And he felt it in the way the original direction of the documentary had changed. 

It wasn’t just about the sport anymore, how he was healing to make it to the competition. It truly became about him. 

“Maybe something was rotten, don’t worry about it” you patted his hand, reassuringly. 

Jeonghan saw a chance and he took it, holding your hand. For a second your fingers stilled in his, your eyes a little wide looking back at his. He almost pulled away from you, his dropping a little when you didn’t seem to want his touch. 

Then your eyes grew a little softer and ever so lightly you held his hand back. 

“I really wanted to have a nice dinner with you, though”

You couldn’t help but smile at his cute pout. 

“Maybe we could order something?” you pointed at the wine in front of you “In my experience, wine and pizza are a great combo”

You were the first one in the office, which was a first for you. Not that you were someone who was constantly late. It was just that you were usually the last one to leave. 

However, sleep wasn’t something that came to you. You were too giggly, your mind wandering through places that normally it didn’t so you thought that working a little was maybe a good idea to take your mind off things. 

Not things. Someone. 

Yoon Jeonghan.

Despite the initial accident, the night had been nothing but perfect. When was the last time you had fun? Actual fun, not the kind you sort of force yourself to have not to bother others, or to try to fit in some sort of situation. 

The night with Jeonghan had been so easy. Conversation simply floating around you. You didn’t feel like you were there to interview him or to be interviewed. You were just talking, getting to know each other in a way that was so entirely different from how things had gone between the two of you until then.

Jeonghan, you learned, was a menace in school and with his sister, always playing pranks and still somehow managing to get away every single time. I could make such an innocent face and everyone would just fall for it, he said at some point. There was no hint of regret in his voice and his eyes were filled with mischievousness while he talked. 

“There were these kids who made fun of me because I was a small kid. I tried to let it go but it went on for months. One day,” he said smiling, the memory of the day still completely fresh in his mind “I was already angry that I couldn’t make a move, I don’t even remember what it was, to be honest. They kept picking on me, saying these snarky comments so I waited. One of them left his bag behind, with his skates hanging off of them. I filled both of them with boiling water. I still remember his mother screaming at him”

You gasped, sort of laughing but also a little bit in shock at the mind of a 9-year-old. But awfully dangerous too, for both of them. 

“What if he put the skates on?”

It was hard to mask the horror in your voice

“It was after practice, while we waited for our parents to pick us up. He left his skates back and went to play because his mom was late. I just wanted to ruin his skates, not for him to get hurt. I took his takes to the kitchen, poured the water in, and let it sit there for about ten minutes before I put his bag back where I found it”

Your laugh was too spontaneous and Jeonghan couldn’t help but laugh along. Since the moment he saw you for the first time, he thought of you as beautiful but watching you laugh, so openly and carefree was breathtaking. His heart behaved in a way that he didn’t see coming. 

“I think we need to send you to a doctor because I refuse to believe you’re normal”

Suddenly just holding your hand wasn’t enough. He wanted more. He wanted to kiss you, he wanted to know what it would feel like to press against yours and have you want it too. His mind, he had decided long before he even met you, was the kind that liked to play tricks. So maybe it was playing a trick and it came up with the thought that you wanted to kiss him too. Maybe he was imagining that your eyes moved from his eyes to his lips from time to time.

He wanted to make the first move, he knew that if he didn’t the chance of you doing it was very little. At the same time, he was scared that it might push you too far. You had gotten surprised enough when he held your hand.

Realistically he knew that it wasn’t much but the two of you worked together and there was still so much more to do, the Olympics were still months away. And although you weren’t going to see each other every single day in those months, you would still have enough meetings. 

So what if he read it all wrong and things suddenly became awkward again? The last thing he wanted to do was go back to how it was when you first time. You had been cold and distant but for an entirely different reason. 

“Jeonghan?” your voice had been the quiets he had ever heard from you “It might be the wine talking so if I do say something weird please blame it on the alcohol and tomorrow we pretend that I never said anything at all”

He looked the the two bottles already empty and the third one by the middle. It was, indeed, a lot of wine. 

“Is everything okay?”

You sighed, eyes closed for a second before finally looking at him again. 

“I need you to kiss me, okay?” you said exasperated “Because if you don’t I don’t think I…”

Jeonghan’s lips were on yours before you even finished what you were saying. He hoped that it was along the lines of I don’t think I will. 

Your lips, he decided right then, were his favorite thing in the entire world. He loved that when he pressed harder you made way for him, your lips parted to give him full access. Your hand moved from his chest, up to his shoulder, and then the nape of his neck, lightly tugging at his hair. And when you let out a small whimper on the back of your throat he swore his entire world almost became undone. 

The night had turned, somehow, into a make-out session. The two of you ended up on his couch, hands all over each other and bubbling laughter. And you refused to complain. It was everything you wanted and then so much more. 

Leaving had been so hard. All you wanted to do was to lose yourself in Jeonghan and all that he was and that silently promised to be, even if it was just for one night. You had to force yourself to leave and Jeonghan didn’t make it easier for you. If anything, he did his best to make it as hard as possible. 

He went down with you, and waited for the cab by your side, your hand tucked inside the pocket of his jacket while he played with your fingers. 

“You could let me take you back” you looked at him, eyebrows raised “I don’t mean driving but I could get in the cab with you and then come back”

“That’s just a waste of time. I’ll text you once I get home, I promise”

It was clear that your answer wasn’t the one he wanted but it was the only one he was going to get. He pulled you closer to him while you waited for the cab. The position was awkward you didn’t want to move, not in the least.

You were there for a couple of minutes before the taxi finally pulled up by your side. Jeonghan opened the door for you and waited for you to get inside. 

“Sir, I may not look like it, but I am crazy. So I hope you can get her some safe and sound”

The driver looked at you from his rearview mirror, eyes wide. 

“He really is” you played along “He once threw hot water at a kid”

Jeonghan laughed, a little too hysterically, too much wine you were sure. He stuck his head through the window and quickly kissed you. 

“Seriously, text me as soon as you get home”

With a groan, you hid your face in your hands, knowing fully well that the warmth in your cheeks didn't come from the weather but from the memory of Jeonghan. You laughed a little, remembering how you had to assure the driver that Jeonghan wasn't actually crazy and that he had never thrown hot water at a child. The man didn't seem to believe you but that mattered very little. 

You were overflown with a sort of happiness that was new and also so very scary. 

That giddiness was something you always wanted to feel, but never actually got around to it. Your previous boyfriends, not that there were many of them, never really managed to get that much of a reaction out of you. That was not to say that you didn’t like them at all, because you did. You wouldn’t have stayed with them for a second too long if there were no feelings at all involved. 

Your feelings for them, however, were so small compared with the way you felt about Jeonghan. It was one date, just one night, and it felt as if your entire life had changed in a way you thought that there would be no coming back from. 

“You’re early,” someone said behind you. 

You felt as if your soul had just left your body when your entire body jumped at the new sound. You had been so lost in your thoughts that you failed to notice Seungkwan walking in and of course, Vernon right behind him. 

“Jesus, what the fuck” you ran your hands over your face before turning around to face him. 

Like most mornings, Seungkwan had a coffee in his hand and his phone in the other one. Come to think of it, you weren’t sure you had ever seen him without a coffee in his hands. You weren’t sure how someone could drink so much coffee and still function but then again, he was drinking iced americano most times and the coffee in there had so much water that you were sure most of the caffeine was deluded so…

“So…” he wiggled his eyebrows at you.

God, you hated the fact that he knew. Behind him, Vernon also had an expectant face. Of course, he too wanted to know. The problem was that you didn’t want either of them to know. It was something you wanted to keep to yourself, locked behind countless doors. And maybe, just maybe, if you were lucky enough you’d get to savor that feeling again if a second date with Jeonghan ever happened. 

“Do you want to go over something or we can just… you know, work?”

“Aaah” he complained, carefully setting his coffee on his desk before spinning your chair until you turned to him “You can’t leave me in the dark like this”

“Us, actually,” Vernon said, doing the best he could to hide his smile. 

You had always thought that Vernon was someone who was on the quieter side of the world. Mostly he kept to himself but when paired with Boo Seungkwan? The man could be just as troublesome as the other one. Pair that with the fact that both of them were good friends who often went out together and you’d get yourself a perfect mix for a gossip disaster. 

Seungkwan, as the one who is so friendly everyone just wants to spill their deepest secrets because he looks like someone who’d always offer crazy advice. 

Vernon, as the quiet one everyone wants to tell their secrets because he looks like someone who’d keep all of them just to himself. 

The one thing everyone seems to forget is the fact that those two are friends and they talk. Hopefully only amongst themselves but you weren’t willing to bet on it. There was no way you’d want people to know that you went out with the one person who you were working with. The celebrity, most of all. 

“I’m not saying a word” you just shook your head and moved away from him "We have a lot of work to do, so get going".

“You’re not saying a word about what exactly?” Jihoon said, coming up from behind Seungkwan.

The younger man looked somewhat in distress, his eyes wide going from you to Jihoon, then back to you again. It was at that moment you realized that he had never really crossed your mind, in any way while you were Jeonghan, ever. He wasn’t even an afterthought or anything of the sort. He wasn’t even your boss. Jihoon was no one. 

“I went on a date last night, that’s all”

It was as if you were the one entering the ice, the one who was being watched by so many eyes. Instead, you were one of the people watching. Your legs were shaking up and down, up and down, and there was no real way for you to stop it from happening. You felt as if your future was the one in line, not Jeonghan’s. 

To you, the only real consequence of him not making it was that that documentary would be canceled, for him it meant that everything he had worked for was lost and his last opportunity would never come. 

So, the reality of it was that you were nervous for him. Because you had finally gotten a real glimpse of Jeonghan and you knew how much it meant to him, all of it. He downplayed it, yes, but it was on everything he didn’t say. 

You could see it in his eyes whenever he mentioned figure skating, which was surprisingly very little when you didn’t have a camera on his face. It was clear in the practiced every single movement with such care, always aiming for precision, in an almost healthy way. 

Jeonghan downplayed it a lot but the sport meant everything to him. 

You sat in the bleachers, Seungkwan to your left and Vernon to your right. The three of you hadn’t gotten permission to be closer to the ice, or anywhere near really. Athlete after athlete performed, every single one of them doing so well that you felt your heart start to beat in a mismatched way. 

Your stomach was tied in knots, a lump on your throat as if you were about to spill your guts out at any given moment. You were too nervous and you hated it. Because if Jeonghan saw you, which you doubted, you wanted him to see someone who was confident and sure that he was going to do well, not someone who looked like she was about to faint. I will find you in the crow, he said the night before.

“You look like you’re the one about to be evaluated,” Seungkwan said.

He patted your hand, which unknowingly gripped your thigh as strongly as you possibly could, your knuckles turning white. 

“How did he do this for so many years?” you whispered

The question was more to yourself than to Seungkwan. 

In one of the many conversations, you had with Jeonghan, coming to mind. 

“The worst part of it all is being compared to other people,” he said, eyes distant, as if his mind was taking him to somewhere he didn’t want to be but at that moment he didn’t have a choice “Because what if I’m having a great day but the other isn’t? What if I had more chance to practice than others? What if I have an injury and the other doesn’t? We’re never on the same scale”

He looked troubled, eyes brows furrowed. You took his hand in yours, your fingers massaging his palm. His eyes looked a bit clearer when he turned to you but still, there was so much vulnerability in them. For a moment it was like seeing the same boy from the videos, someone who seemed powerful but was still so scared.

And ultimately that’s what it was. Fear. 

It was his last chance and he was scared if might fail. Jeonghan wasn’t too sure that he could live with himself if he did. 

“Truth is, there’s never going to be a scale. Ideally, it would be great but that is not the reality of it. I think your best should be enough, always. You’ve doing everything you can and we can all see it” you scooted closer to him on the couch, resting your shin on his shoulder “To me, you’re the best in the entire world, ever. It’s not much, I know, but I hope you know that I will unconditionally root for you”

Maybe it was unfair for Jeonghan to think like that, but for the first time in many years, he truly felt as if someone was by his side. You held his hand because you knew that he was scared, you cared and the reasons were yet unknown to him. Either way, he was going to hold onto it.

“I think that for people like us it sounds excruciating, but I bet he’s used to it” Seungkwan’s voice brought you back.

He hates it too, you wanted to say to choose to stay quiet. If there were things Jeonghan wanted to keep a secret, even if it was opposite to what you were supposed to do, you would keep your mouth shut. 

Even before the screams, you felt something swift in the air and it could only be described as Jeonghan. It was as if the air suddenly turned electric and his present, all on its own, larger than the small arena you were in. When you finally saw him, the air got stuck in your lungs.

On a daily basis, Jeonghan was an extremely handsome man. Almost inhuman and unfair to others around him. But that day, while he walked in, he was indescribable. Nothing about him was normal.

It was like seeing a work of art in motion as if a painting on display in a fancy museum had come to life and was walking among the mere mortals of that gymnasium.

Jeonghan wore blue, a color that you discovered was his signature. In every competition he participated in, even as a child, Jeonghan wore blue. Whether it was the entire outfit or just some detail. He always wore blue.

And then, like a moth drawn to a flame, Jeonghan's eyes met yours and he smiled. A different smile than the one you had seen him give so many times before. It was more natural, even sincere. You wanted to have smiled back and waved at him, but it was as if your entire body was frozen and any movement was impossible. And maybe you didn't want even more attention focused on yourself. The people sitting next to the three of you were whispering among themselves, so the last thing you wanted was for them to find out that that beautiful smile was directed at you.

"I don't know what's going on between you, but if someone smiled like that at me, right in the middle of the arena, with dozens of people watching, I'd get married immediately" Seungkwan didn't share the same feeling of remaining still and silent, but at least he was polite enough to whisper at your side.

A whimper escaped your mouth, but you chose not to say anything else. Because, in truth, you didn't even know what was happening between the two of you. There wasn't a conversation, a simple "yes, we're together", but whatever it was, however long it lasted, you were willing to enjoy every second of it.

Jeonghan positioned himself in the center of the ice, eyes closed, and took a deep breath, once, twice. The first chords of If I Could See You Again sounded through the scattered speakers and a new and completely unknown feeling spread throughout your body. Pride, perhaps.

One after another, Jeonghan executed the moves with precision, almost exactly like he had done in training. You couldn't tell if the differences were good or bad, which could take or add points to the total.

Almost at the end, with just a few seconds left until the end of the short program, Jeonghan lost his balance. Not to the point where he fell, but enough that he had to touch the ground to stop himself from falling. The three of them said, in unison, "shit", Seungkwan making a crying sound in the back of his throat.

With one last turn, the performance came to an end and the song ended. Even with the mistake, the crowd exploded in screams and applause. The famous rabbits and stuffed animals were thrown towards Jeonghan. Following the people around you, you also stood up, clapping your hands.

Your heart begged Jeonghan to look in your direction again, even for a second. Jeonghan raised his head and the smile he gave was that rehearsed one, that you had seen many times before and that wasn't even remotely real. The irritation at his mistake was clear in his eyes, but no one seemed to notice.

He bowed to the judges and the audience behind them, sliding across the ice to catch one of the swooping rabbits. Finally, he turned towards you, his eyes immediately meeting yours. Throwing all caution out the window, you said "you did well" without making any real sound and hoped he understood.

Despite the bad taste in his mouth, left by his complete inability to complete the performance without mistakes, Jeonghan felt as if the hand that was squeezing his heart loosened when he looked at you. He waved once more to the audience and skated to the exit. His coach was waiting for him. The man's face was a strange mixture of relief and frustration.

"You did well," he said, even though the words were the same as yours, the intention was completely different "It wasn't such a serious mistake, so it shouldn't have too many points deducted. If it goes well tomorrow, we can advance to the world championship"

Jeonghan nodded. He didn't need to hear that, he knew, better than anyone, what was at risk and what he needed to do.

A performance without errors, that's all he needed.

At the request of Jeonghan's coach, there was no filming after the performance.

"He can talk about everything tomorrow. Now he has to focus on the free program"

You had no arguments to argue and you didn't want to either. Filming was, by far, your last concern. All you wanted to know was if Jeonghan was okay. You spent hours debating whether to call him or not, and in the end, you decided not to.

The big truth was that you had no idea where the lines were, which ones you could cross, and which ones you should religiously stay behind.

Therefore, you chose to send a text. Are you okay? was all you ask. Then you sat on the bed, legs crossed, and waited.

You didn't know what to do if Jeonghan would respond, or if he was concentrating to the point of not going near his cell phone - which was probably a good idea.

Jeonghan had the fourth-best score among short programs. Seungkwan explained that despite the mistake and the near fall, Jeonghan had moves that were considered difficult to execute and those were worth more points and he was precise in almost all of them, which resulted in him having a good score.

"If he hadn't made any mistakes, it's possible he would have come first," he commented, a hint of sadness in his voice.

Seungkwan was easily a fan. He didn't make the slightest point of hiding it. You weren’t one at first, you knew the bare minimum about skating, but as time went on, as you got to know Jeonghan, it was completely inevitable.

"I'm sure he can do it" Seungkwan assured.

The phone vibrated at first and half a second later the screen lit up and Jeonghan's name shone on the screen, a photo of his smiling face above his name. You hadn't uploaded a photo when you saved his contact, but you were sure who the culprit was.

"When did you put a picture of yourself on my phone?"

Jeonghan felt relief wash over his body just hearing your voice, knowing you were smiling on the other side. He was able to take a deep breath for the first time since the morning.

He couldn't quite understand how he had gotten into that situation. He couldn't even pinpoint a catalyzing moment, the moment he realized something was changing. One moment you were just someone he had to work with and then you became someone he longed for. There was no middle ground. It was like someone flipped a switch in his mind and his heart, as he could finally just be. No strings attached, no fear.

With you, he was simply Jeonghan, the person. Not the athlete, not the guy who appeared on television now and then. He was just another guy, with a normal job, a normal life. There are many normal ones, Jeonghan, yours may be different from mine and that's okay, you said it once.

Maybe that was the moment he realized he was in love with you. Maybe perceived isn't the right word, but it was the moment he allowed himself to feel.

"It's an inconceivable fact that you don’t have a picture of me on your phone"

You laughed at it and he wished he could be close to you. He wanted all your moments, no matter how small and bad they were, to be engraved in his mind.

"My phone has a password," you said. Your tone wasn't reproachful, you weren’t irritated. If anything, you were happy to be talking to him, that he was in your life.

"Your birthday isn't a very clever password," he said, laughing.

You wanted to ask how he knew, but the answer was pretty obvious: Seungkwan.

"Are you okay?" you asked, tone cautious. "No pain?"

You hated having to change the subject so abruptly, hated that you were the one changing the light tone of the conversation. But you had to know, you had to ask.

It was a second, nothing more than that, that turned on a warning light in your head. Jeonghan was sitting, waiting for his score announcement, when his face quickly contorted. It was there and then it wasn't. But you had seen that scene before, you knew exactly what it meant.

"Yes, I am," he said, still trying to keep his tone light.

"Jeonghan..."

He wondered when you were able to understand that he was lying. It didn't really matter. Jeonghan liked knowing that you knew him well enough to know the difference. It was the first time anyone cared enough to understand.

Jeonghan realized that by your side, he experienced many firsts.

"A little discomfort, but I told the doctor" he was quick to say, knowing exactly what was coming next "I have ice on my foot right now. I can compete tomorrow, it won't be a problem"

He wasn't lying. He felt the discomfort after his body cooled down and told the doctor. Maybe it was in the hopes of having a fair reason to give up. He had never talked about being in pain so quickly.

"I'm not confident" he admitted "It's like I was 12 again, in my first competition. I think I was more confident before, to be honest"

He lay down on the bed, staring at the hotel ceiling. It was a simple beige ceiling, hideous, but somehow, it gave him some peace of mind.

“You did really well in your first competition,” you said, hoping that would somehow help him.

Jeonghan just hummed in response but stayed quiet. He had too much on his mind, you knew. It was the shadow of a possible new injury, the idea of not being well enough to perform the movements easily, and the fact of not being confident. Everything had turned into a big snowball and he no longer knew what to do with all these problems that seemed unsolvable.

"Do you remember that day, when you were training and everyone was around? Even Jihoon showed up to watch, which was quite strange by the way" Jeonghan said yes, quietly, which was enough for you to continue " You weren't confident that day either and asked everyone to leave"

"Except you," he said.

"Yes, except me" you smiled, the memory still fresh in your mind, as if it had happened the day before, and not months before "We were there for another half an hour and you didn't make a single mistake after getting it right. I know it's harder now, that you can't kick all those people out of there, but you can imagine that it's just the two of us again. I told you before and I can tell you as many times as you need to hear, I'm rooting for you unconditionally"

Jeonghan sighed, his body finally relaxing completely.

"You could be more eloquent in your cheering," he said, his tone mocking.

"If I'm too eloquent, we won’t use Vernon’s videos," you said laughing.

Your laugh, Jeonghan decided, was the eighth wonder of the world. It was his choice and the only right one among all the possibilities.

"You could at least smile"

"That I can do"

You sat in the same place as the day before, the only difference was that Seungkwan was on the left and Vernon was on the right. But you were in exactly the same place as you promised Jeonghan you would. Not that you exactly had much of a choice, it was assigned seats, but at least you were lucky to have the same ones.

Also like the previous day, Jeonghan was the last to compete. You watched them all carefully, trying your best to spot mistakes, but you could only see the obvious ones. When, for example, the athlete who was in second, taking into account only the short program scores, fell. You knew you shouldn't, but you couldn't contain your squeak of joy. Both Seungkwan and Vernon laughed, but you knew they shared the feeling.

Everyone wanted Jeonghan to do well, of course.

Exactly like before, the world seemed to stop when Jeonghan entered. And this time he knew exactly where to look, where you were in the crowd. When he smiled and you smiled back, he felt like he had made the right decision at some point. Because, somehow, you were there and everything seemed like it would work out.

And even if everything went wrong, Jeonghan felt like he would be okay too.

You wanted to scream with the rest of the audience when Jeonghan took the podium in second place. You knew it wasn't what he wanted, but you also knew I wanted it more than he expected. But, as you had told him on the phone, if I were more eloquent, all the footage would be lost.

You excused yourself from Seungkwan and walked to the other side, where it was empty. When the silver medal was finally placed around your neck, you clapped and screamed like the other girls next to you. Jeonghan's free program was perfect, the deductions made by the judges, according to Seungkwan, made no sense at all - but you were sure it was the fan version of him speaking than anything else.

If it weren't for the lowest score from the previous day, Jeonghan would have been on the podium in first place. However, when he finished his presentation, he seemed to care little whether he had gotten a good score or the position he would get. He seemed satisfied with his performance. His smile as he bowed to the audience was genuine and joyful.

"Will you allow me to be honest?" Joshua said beside you.

You brought a hand to your heart, your body moving involuntarily away from him.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you"

You smiled and shook your head. There were a few times that your and Joshua's paths crossed. He was Jeonghan's childhood friend and would occasionally appear. You were so focused on Jeonghan and on his performance that you hadn't noticed that you hadn't seen Joshua on either day of the competition.

“Of course,” you said clearing your throat.

Joshua stuck his hands in his pants pockets, his eyes still focused on Jeonghan who was walking down the podium and returning to the locker room. He looked at the medal, a small smile on his face, almost completely covered by his long hair.

"I thought you would be a problem, but I'm glad I was wrong"

When Jeonghan was out of sight, you finally turned to Joshua. He seemed to apologize with his eyes.

“A problem,” you repeated, to make sure you weren’t hearing things.

He scratched his head and smiled.

"Yes, a problem. You have become a central point for Jeonghan in recent times, I thought you could be dangerous to reach the goal of the Olympics. But looking at him now, I think you were never a problem, but rather the solution"

It was impossible to contain your smile for the rest of the night. Everyone left together after the press conference, which for once was not a fiasco.

You and Jeonghan never told anyone else that you were together. You want to know for sure what it was. But when everyone arrived at the restaurant, the two of you, Seungkwan, Vernon, Joshua, and the coach, everyone just seemed to move in a way to let you and Jeonghan sit next to each other.

Every time he placed his hand on your leg, a new wave of heat spread throughout your body. You were sure that Jeoghan knew what he was knowing, that he knew the effect it had. When you looked at him, he was looking at you smiling. He looked like a naughty child, who knew he was up to no good and was just waiting for someone to show up and tell him off.

The coach seemed uncomfortable, and now and then he cleared his throat. He only knew the rumors about Jeonghan, he had never seen him with a woman before. Joshua acted as if it were just another day, something he was already used to. Seungkwan and Vernon exchanged looks and laughed, you were sure you would have to deal with them later. The teasing would be tireless and at this point, it would be impossible to stop rumors from spreading around the office.

The thought that others might know what was going on between you and Jeonghan didn't scare you, at least not the way you thought it would. You were afraid that people would think you were less professional because of this, and that you might lose credibility. But none of that seemed to matter.

For the first time in a long time, you were happy. You didn't care if they knew because, at the end of the day, it was nobody's business.

You had made a name for yourself and it had nothing to do with your personal life.

And Jeonghan... he made you feel things you had never felt before. Your other boyfriends, as much as you liked them, didn't compare. The feeling you had for them seemed insignificant in comparison.

You wanted, as absurd as it might seem, to take care of Jeonghan. Not that he needed it, you knew he could manage just fine on his own. You wanted to be someone he could share his problems with, someone he could count on. You wanted to be someone who could be a safe haven, someone he didn't need to hide from.

And you thought, to a certain extent, you had become that person.

And without realizing it, even if unintentionally, Jeonghan had become that person for you too. When you had nightmares you wanted to call him, to be comforted by his sweet voice. You liked it when he held your hand, just because he liked it. You liked that he sent texts at random moments that made you smile and that left everyone around you wondering what had happened.

You had never believed that I could fall in love, not like that. The mere thought of liking someone like that seemed impossible, at least to you. You still had memories of your mother crying, right after your father left. You had promised yourself that you would never let anyone approach you like that. But Jeonghan showed up and it was as if the thought had never crossed your mind.

After the initial shock of meeting Jeonghan, it was easy to understand why people fell in love with him.

Even at that moment, when he wasn't doing anything much, just talking to Joshua and Seungkwan, the infamous butterflies didn't seem to leave you.

"Do you want to leave?" he asked suddenly.

Everyone had already eaten and some were waiting for dessert. It felt wrong to get up.

"Are you tired?"

As if on cue, Jeonghan closed his eyes and yawned, making everyone laugh, even the coach. He grabbed your hand and pulled you lightly, his head slightly tilted towards the restaurant door.

"We're going now," he said as he took your hand and in his and guided you out of the restaurant.

The thing about Jeonghan is that you never wanted to let him go. Once he was around you never wanted him to leave. So when he offered to take you to your room and said yes when you invested him in, you almost giggled like a teenager. 

Is that how people felt when they liked someone? You knew the feeling of liking someone, yes, but it was different. A new feeling that was both exciting and scary. Your brain was partially inclined to run away and partly desperate to just stay. 

When liking someone you always think back to your mother and how she never really recovered after your father left. Of course, she smiled and had many happy moments over the years but there was this distinct glow in her eyes that simply vanished the second he left. 

You had always promised yourself that you would never give someone that much power over you and while you knew that you weren’t quite there yet with Jeonghan, you knew that there was a high chance of becoming something so great one day you’d have no control over. 

Without much thought, you took his hand on your and kissed his knuckles. 

"What 's that for?"

You shook your head, still keeping his hand close to your face, sighing when he cupped your cheeks.

"Nothing, I'm just really proud of you. You did so well today"

Jeonghan laughed, his eyes going top your eyes then to your lips then back to your eyes again. 

"I didn't win" he felt the need to remind you.

You turned your face to the side and planted a kiss on the palm of his hand.  

"It was your first time back, you did fantastically"

"Thank you for being there," he said, voice suddenly serious "It really meant a lot to me"

You stood on your tip toes and gave him a peck on the lips. 

“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world.” 

Jeonghan wasn’t ready to let you go, not when he finally had you in his arms again, without anyone around. He pulled you closer to his body, his left hand at the base of your neck. He kissed your cheek, first the left one, then the right one, the tip of our nose until he finally reached your lips. 

At first, the kiss was sweet, tentative, kind even. The tip of his tongue touched your bottom lip. Suddenly it was like all hell had broken loose. It was him and you but everywhere. He ran his hand down your neck, to your back until he reached the hem of your shirt. Goosebumps erupted when you felt his skin over yours. 

His touch was so small, so insignificant, but it had such a great effect on you. You were out of breath partially from the kiss and partially from his touch. It was too little but also too much.

You pulled back from him and the look in his eyes was almost enough to bring you to your knees. You had never really seen the whole “his eyes darkened” thing but in that moment there was no better way to describe him. Jeonghan had a look in his eyes that you had never seen before, different from anything you had witnessed.

It took your breath away.

“I’m gonna” you pointed at the bathroom and quickly left him all alone in the room. 

You needed a moment, hell not even you knew why you needed a moment. Your heart felt like it was about to combust with how quickly it was beating. You just needed to gather yourself, and maybe calm down a little bit before you went back into the room. 

You twisted the faucet over the bathtub. A shower would have been faster, yes, but a little too fast. You didn’t wait for it to completely fill up to get in. You pulled your clothes off swiftly, leaving them on the floor beside the tub, before getting in.

Your mind was racing. Maybe a good way to describe it would be to say that there was a puppy with too much energy running from side to side in your head. 

Five minutes went by before you heard the door opening and Jeonghan walked him. To his merit, his eyes stayed on your face the entire time until he sat down by your side. 

“Is everything okay?” he asked, shin resting on the edge of the tub. 

That was such a good question because you had no idea if there was something wrong. There isn’t, a voice said inside your mind. There was no reason for you to have run off like that. 

“I’m not used to this,” you said as you reached for his hand, intertwining your fingers in his. His hand was so warm against your cold one “For a second it was too much”

“Did I…?” 

You started to shake your head before he could get another word out. 

“No, no, no” you sat down on the tub and moved as close to him as possible, spilling some water out in the process but Jeonghan didn’t seem to mind “I like you, really like you”

“Is that such a bad thing?”

“In my world? Yes”

In your world, Jeonghan had managed to gather, all emotions made you want to run away. It was easier for you to deal with the bad, the sad, the hateful. The good part of it was hard because you had no real starting point for it. 

“Let me show you my world, then”

He didn’t really wait for your answer and he leaned over the edge and captured your lips in his. His touch was tender as he crawled your face, leaving a trail of kisses from your lips, down your neck, till your collarbone. He smiled against your skin when he hit a sensitive spot that made you go a little breathless as a small moan left your lips. 

Jeonghan ran the tip of his index finger across the valley of your breasts before cupping one of them in his hand. His thumb running over your hard nipples. Your moan was swallowed by his lips. 

Your entire body became hot under his touch. Melting, falling apart and he had barely even touched you at all. It was too much but not at all enough. 

Jeonghan kept exploring your body with his hand, running it down your stomach. Ever so slowly he moved his hand further down. 

A gasp left your lips when his finger found your clit, drawing small, slow, circles. You leaned forward, your forehead pressed on the crook of his neck. His skin was warm, hot even. You turned your head to the side slightly until your lips came in contact with the skin of his neck. You pressed small kisses on him, sucking his skin at the same time he applied more pressure against you. 

Jeonghan pulled back for a second, his focus solely on you, on your hooded eyes, the way your cheeks had turned a pretty shade of pink, how your lips were slightly parted, the way his name came out of your lips in the sweetest moan when his finger slipped over your folds, teasing your hole. 

He was so completely enamored by you, in ways he never thought to be possible. In his past relationships, he had always been careful. He didn’t want to get caught but also didn’t want to fall too much. His life only had one direction, one goal. When he was by your side he just wanted to slow down a little and enjoy every single second he could with you. 

Jeonghan wanted you to feel the same, this new sense of freedom that only came with these feelings, this desire to know every corner of someone’s soul. 

Your grip on Jeonghan’s arms thighed, your eyes watering as you let your head fall back. He pushed two fingers into you, slowly until he was knuckles deep. He sucked in a breath when your walls squeezed around his fingers, pulling him deeper as he curled his fingers and then slightly opened them. He rubbed the heel of his hand over your clit as he slowly pumped his fingers in and out.

He was hard inside his pants, the zipper of his jeans making minimal pressure, not anywhere close to what he needed but he was happy with what he got, with the day he saw you let all of your walls down around him. 

Jeonghan leaned forward a little, taking your lips into his, his tongue exploring your mouth as he moved his fingers faster, his thumb rubbing on your clit just as fast. 

“Jeonghan…” you cried his name, again and again as your breathing got shallow. 

You held his face in your hands, your thumb over his bottom lips, your eyes never leaving his as you became undone in front of him. Your legs quivering, your body arching until your chest was pressed against him, your loud moans filling the bathroom alongside the sounds of his fingers moving in and out of you at a relentless pace. 

“Don’t stop, please, don’t stop” you asked

He had no intention of doing so, not until your body stopped shaking until you rode the last of your orgasm.

It was the most beautiful sight in the world. The seven wonders? Nothing compared to you.

Breathing heavily you leaned over Jeonghan, small spasms still making your body shake. You had boyfriends before, fucked all of them, some of them weren’t even your boyfriend and it had never felt like that, earth-shattering, live altering. You kissed him tenderly. 

God, you  were in love with the man.

You never thought of what it would be like to wake up in someone’s arms. It was never something you thought about too often when you had a boyfriend and it wasn’t something you craved. Being on your own, was something you were used to, whether it was on life or in your bed. Waking up to Jeonghan was something entirely new experience and one that you could never say that you didn’t like. 

His body was turned to yours, and his hand possessively held your thigh. Most of his face was covered by his hair and this time around you didn’t shy away from pushing it away from his face.

“This is not creepy at all,” Jeonghan said, his eyes still closed. 

You were startled for a second, your body involuntarily moving away from him and then settling back into him. This time your fingers weren't feather-like. You allowed yourself to fully touch him, to enjoy the feeling of his skin against yours.

“I can leave, if you want” 

You slightly rose from the bed, but it was far enough for Jeonghan. He tugged at your waist and pulled back on the bed and got on top of you.

“You’re not going anywhere”

Jeonghan pressed his lips over yours and you felt your body melt under him. Was there ever a better place in the world to be? You weren’t too sure if there was, but if such place even existed you didn’t want to know. 

“Tell me a secret,” he asked.

It was almost noon and you were still in bed with Jeonghan. He had asked for room service a couple of hours before and after eating both of you got back in bed, cuddling like two teenagers in love. 

“I used to have a crush on Jihoon,” you said with a laugh. 

There was a moment of silence, Jeonghan's body growing stiff by your side. That wasn't your intention at all, you wanted to bring a laugh out of him, and not make him uncomfortable. 

“I don't think that's something you say while in bed with a guy, naked” 

You laughed giving him a quick peck on the lips.

“You said to tell you a secret, that’s the only one I have left to give you,” you said pushing a strand of hair away from his forehead, smiling at him “When I met him, I didn’t know that he was going to be my boss, in fact I thought that he was regular employee like me. A couple of weeks later I found that that not only he was my boss but that he also had a long-term girlfriend, who is now engaged to”

Instead of focusing only on the crush part, which was one Jeonghan had no real desire to know about, he turned all of his attention to the first part of what you said, that you had no other secret to tell. 

Though he thought of it as impossible, as everyone has secrets, he knew that you were somehow telling him the truth.

“And now?” 

He propped his chin on your shoulder, his eyes shining as he waited for an answer. 

You found that running your hand through his hair and playing with it was a new hobby and one that both of you seemed to enjoy. Jeonghan had fallen asleep twice while your hand was on his head.

“Now he's just a boss who's made me take a project I didn't want” you ran your finger over his nose and booped the tip “But now I’m really glad I did. Maybe the best decision forced on me in years?”

You couldn’t help but laugh when Jeonghan placed several loud kisses all over your face.

“Your turn” 

You lightly pushed him away, just enough to see his face again. 

“I’m constantly terrified,” he said after a few minutes in silence “I keep seeing myself falling on the ice, like it happened last night. When I close my eyes, that’s the only thing I see”

It was something hard to admit, even to himself. Failing was like a shadow that daily dark cloud following him wherever he went. His mind and dreams were filled with images of him doing the exact opposite of what he was supposed to do, of what he was expected to do. 

Though he had been practicing hard, to exhaustion even, and did his best to put a great face, telling everyone just how confident he was, the truth was that Jeonghan wasn’t confident at all in himself. The chances of him making it were very low and though he did manage to get a good score and placed high on the podium, he wasn’t sure it would be enough to get him to the Olympics, much less to win it. 

“I’m not a sports person, right?” Jeonghan nodded enthusiastically and pushed him, making him laugh “But I think sometimes falling is inevitable. You know something I believe in? You”

Jeonghan couldn’t help but smile at the words. He felt as if the hand squeezing his heart had let go of him. He felt light.

“If there’s someone in this world that can go through all of this, injuries, surgeries, rehab and still get to compete on the same level as before. Maybe even better. I believe in you. I hope you can too”

Months Later

Jeonghan hissed as he slowly pulled the sock off. The usually cream skin was turning an ugly dark shade of purple, his ankle already twice as big as was supposed to be. He wanted to scream out in frustration. 

Of course, he had to get hurt again, of course, it had to be on the day before he was set to compete. 

It was like whoever was writing the script of his life enjoyed putting him through pain. Jeonghan finally felt as if his life was falling into place. He was feeling healthy, he felt as if every time he got on the ice he was getting better, improving his performance every single time. And then there was you, who came into his life seemingly like a storm and turned his world upside down in ways he wasn’t aware he needed. 

He had never felt more at ease, comfortable, than when he was with you. It had been a very long time since there was any need to shoot at his place but he always found himself calling you, or going to you. On days when you had to work late, you’d still come over and crawl into his bed, attaching yourself to him as if it was where you were supposed to be all along. You’d place a kiss on his spine and drift off to sleep without a word. Then, if there was no early schedule or practice, the two of you would just take turns cooking and talking about everything and nothing at all.

When he was with you, Jeonghan knew he had found the balance he had always looked for. It wasn’t the loud and reckless kind of relationship like the one he had before. With you Jeonghan felt at peace, home in many different ways. He liked to think that you felt the same way about him too.

Maybe he was being too greedy in wanting the creer, the legacy, as well as the love life but there was no way he was willing to let either one go, even if it meant that his blood would be covering the ice at the end of his performance. 

“How are you” the door to his shared room was suddenly flung open and Joshua walked in “feeling…?”

His friend's voice got lower as his eyes moved from Jeonghan’s face to his ankle, then back to his face again. Joshua moved without saying a word. He opened the mini bar and pulled whichever can was colder. 

“Does Bumzu know about this?”

It was weird to hear his coach’s name and he wasn’t too sure why. He said the name countless times since he was a teenager, he even said it earlier that day, but you had never said it. You’d always refer to him as just coach, even while directly talking to him. You never said his name and the man didn’t seem to mind it either. 

Jeonghan looked back at his foot and then at his ankle. He had no idea how it had gotten that bad. He felt a little pain after the eighteen-hour flight so as soon as he settled down in his room he put some ice on it, which had seemingly done the trick. It looked fine. No purple bruise, no swelling. His ankle looked fine and felt fine, so he left to attend the open ceremony and then headed to practice for the next two days. He felt nothing. He was fine. 

Until he, clearly, wasn’t.

“Does she know?”

Joshua pulled his leg up on the bed and put his feet up on two pillows. Jeonghan hissed again when he felt the ice against his skin and let his body fall back on the mattress.

“No, and she can’t know” he covered his eyes with his arm, sighing “I’ll tell Bumzu tomorrow”

“Don’t you think this should go into the documentary?” Joshua asked as he rolled the can from his ankle to the arch of his foot rhythmically “Don’t you think your girlfriend should know about this?”

Jeonghan played with the word on his tongue for a second. Girlfriend. Neither of you had ever labeled the relationship, too focused on the moment, on enjoying what you had and charging forward together. A label didn’t seem all too important. It was the kind of relationship that was always evolving but somehow staying the same. 

“If she finds out, she’ll ask me to stop” he paused finally looking at his friend “And if she does, I will”

He couldn’t help but think about your face. The way you smiled while holding his hands in yours sitting on his couch, just a few minutes before the two of you had to leave for the airport. Your eyes shone as you told him how much you believed in him, that you knew he wanted to win but it would be okay if he didn’t.

It was the kind of speech he heard many many times before in his life and he always hated it. It always seemed shallow, just empty words thrown in the wind. But when it came from you, when those words left your lips they felt genuine, he knew it wasn’t something you just said because it was what you thought he wanted to hear.

“I’ll scream the loudest this time,” you said laughing as you ran your fingertips over his eyebrows and then tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. Jeonghan couldn’t help you lean into your touch. “I’ll be sitting away from Seungkwan and Vernon, so there really won’t be any way for me to ruin the footage”

The words I love you slipped out of Jeonghan’s mouth with ease, as they have always been there, like he was used to saying them. It was never been easy for him, even to his mother and sister. He loved them, of course he did. He showed it to them in all ways he could think of, but he never said. At least not as an adult.

Home, he had decided. Your eyes were his home. You were. 

Jeonghan was certain that he would remember that moment forever. The way you leaned forward, a smile tugging at the corners of your lips. The way you whispered I love you too. How you broke into a smile when you chastely kissed him and added so much it’s insane.

“Maybe she would be right” Joshua’s voice pulled him back to reality “Maybe you should stop. What if this gets bad enough that you can’t even walk anymore? What if…”

Jeonghan sat back up again. 

“Do you remember when we were kids and I told you that I wanted a gold medal, an Olympic gold medal?” he suddenly asked.

Joshua closed his eyes and sighed. Obviously, he remembered it but he wished Jeonghan didn’t. Most of all, he wished Jeonghan wouldn’t use a promise he made almost twenty years before. 

“Shua” Jeonghan pressed, his tone almost desperate. He felt bad, of course, but it was the only thing he had to stop Joshua. His last weapon to use. 

“I promised I would help in any way possible since we all knew I wasn’t that great of a skater”

It was a stupid promise, made by stupid boys but even as adults they both stuck to it, like it was some sort of pact.

“The best way to help is to keep it a secret for the next 3 days”

The thing about competitions is that they are exhausting but not just for the people actively competing but for those working on the sidelines as well. you had been following Jeonghan for months now, to all sorts of competitions, rehab, and just his life in general. 

In almost all of them he managed to make it to the podium and each time he looked brighter, and happier with his performance and the outcome. Though everything seemed to be going just fine, there was this itch in the back of your mind, telling you that there was something wrong with him. 

Jeonghan seemed to be taking good care of his body and he was periodically going to the doctor. You weren’t too sure if that was a good thing. On one hand, it was good because it meant that he was in constant care for a serious injury. But it could also mean that he was in pain and that itch on your brain was right. 

Whatever it was, Jeonghan wasn’t willing to share. He kept saying that he was fine and you were trying to believe him, you really were. But there was something in his eyes, in the way his body moved a little more stiff than usual. He had not looked at your direction once - which was something unusual.

The rational part of your brain said that it was just stress, crazy high amounts of it tugging at all of his nerves and muscles. It was his last chance so it was natural. He was an athlete focused on the competition ahead, of course, he would be a little different from what you were used to seeing. 

However, the irrational and insecure part of your brain told you that regretted saying that he loved you and didn’t know how to take it back. That didn’t make any sense at all. Jeonghan wasn’t the kind of person who just said things to please the people around him. He would rather keep quiet than say something he didn’t mean. You knew that. You knew him. If he said it, then he meant it. 

So why was he…

“Is he hurt again?” a familiar voice asked to your right. 

You had completely forgotten that Jihoon would attend as part of the documentary crew. He had mentioned it the last time you spoke on the phone a couple of weeks before, he also sent an e-mail the day before you left but it had completely escaped your mind.

You blinked at him, your brain not fully registering what he said. 

“What?” you asked.

Jihoon raised his eyebrows at you. He pointed at the rink where Jeonghan and the other skaters were warming up. His warm-up was different from what he usually did. He was just moving around, barely using his left foot. 

“He’s not using his foot a whole lot” Jihoon pointed out. 

He kept talking but his voice became just a distant sound as you pulled your phone out of your pocket, frantically searching for Joshua’s number. He was by the rink talking, in what you assume to be a hushed voice, with Bumzu. 

You bit your lips while the phone rang. Despair spread through your chest when Joshua pulled his phone out of his pocket and showed it to the coach. Both men visibly sighed. 

Tears started to well up in your eyes the moment Joshua’s tired voice greeted you.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Tell me what’s wrong with him, please” you begged.

Joshua pinched the bridge of his nose and turned around, making sure that you couldn’t see his expression. A terrible sign.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, everything is going according to plan”

“I may still be confused about some rules but my eyes work just fine, Joshua. Something is wrong, even Jihoon can see it”

You watched as he shook his head. 

“He’s just hiding his game. We prepare a new program, entirely different, he doesn’t want to show any of it or overwork himself during the warm-up”.

Alarms went off in your head and a whinny sound left your lips. You were well aware of the three pairs of eyes on you, judging the very uncharastically way, so unlike yourself, you were behaving but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. 

“Listen“ Joshua’s tone was stern, irritated. Not once had he sounded like that “This is a competition, the biggest one could ever take part in, as well as his last one ever. Yes, things are different this time around. I need you to understand that and not add any pressure or stress on him. Can you do that?”

He didn’t really give you a chance to reply.

“He’s here as an elite athlete and you’re here as the documentarist in charge of capturing every second of it. I highly suggest you start acting accordingly”

The line went mute. The pressure on your head, on your heart, was so big you let your body fall on the seat again. Joshua had never been quite as harsh on you, or at all. He had always been soft spoken, and polite. You doubted that even under the obvious stress of the moment he would act like that. Something was definitely wrong but he wasn’t willing to share, which meant that Jeonghan’s condition was bad. It also meant that he didn’t want you to know what was wrong, the extension of the problem.

Seungkwan was suddenly by your side, his hand on your shoulder. You pushed the single tear that rolled down away and stood up again. 

“Is everything okay?”

You just nodded and took the camera he had in his hands, adjusting the settings as an excuse to stay quiet long enough to be able to regain your ability to speak once more. You pushed the camera into Jihoon’s hand with a little more force than necessary, not really caring that he was your boss. His only reaction was to furrow his eyebrows at you one more time. 

“Make yourself useful, will you” it didn’t matter if he was there to just watch or not “Do not lose coach out of sight”

You turned your body to Seungkwan and Vernon.

“Seungkwan, you're with Joshua. Vernon and I will focus on Jeonghan” you pointed at the seats you were supposed to take, indicating that Jeonghan would have two different angles on him, Vernon simply nodded “Jeonghan’s condition is less than ideal so we need all of their reactions. Don’t miss anything, every blink is important”

Seungkwan called your name, his fingers gripping the sleeve of your shirt around your wrist. The concern was evident in his eyes. He wanted to ask, but wasn't sure if he should and you weren’t sure you could speak without breaking into tears. Whether his concern was for you or Jeonghan, you didn’t know. Perhaps a mix of both. 

“It’s our job, we should act accordingly”

Jeonghan finally let his body fall on the bed. It had been a long day and he had never felt more exhausted before in his life. But more than that, he was in pain. 

His first program had drained him. 

Every time he moved his foot it was as if a needle was being forced into his bones. Truth be told, Jeonghan wasn't even sure how he was still standing, how he still managed to walk straight without curving his body in pain. Skating was still a wonder in itself. The idea that both his mother and sister were watching from home maybe was something that helped push him forward. Maybe knowing that you were somewhere in the crowd also helped. 

He didn't dare to look for you, didn't dare to look in your direction but he could swear that he had heard you cheer every time he landed, every time he executed a new movement. Having you there and hearing your voice, even if it was a daydream of his crazy mind, had been enough to push him to the end of the program. 

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and reread your text for the hundredth time. He just stared at his phone for the better part of the day, like the small device held all the answers in the world. All it did though, was call you and that was something that he didn't allow himself to do. It was what he wanted the most, to hear your assuring voice, but he shouldn't. He couldn't. He was satisfied just looking at the black screen when suddenly it lit up with a notification and your name attached to it. 

"I will always be rooting for you! No matter what happens you'll always be number one" a second later another text followed "I love you"

Your message was sweet and loving. Jeonghan knew what it meant though. You didn't say anything, but it was clear that you knew something was wrong. Joshua had assured him that he didn't say anything to you but you weren't dumb.

He felt bad for keeping it a secret from you, for pushing you away, but in his mind, it was his only option. It turned out for the best that his coach and the federation didn't allow you and your team to follow him. Watching from the bleachers was all you could do. 

Even if their decision somehow benefited him, Jeonghan hated it. He hated the idea of everything that was going wrong. He hated that he was in pain, and once again, hated that the one person he wanted to comfort him was the one he was pushing away. In a way, he felt as if he was drowning and there was no one to even see that there was something off with him. 

Jeonghan heard the door opening but he didn't turn around in bed to see who it was, certain that it was only Joshua or maybe Bumzu coming in to check on him. He just turned further into his pillow, wishing for the day to be over soon. He couldn’t even think about his performance, which hadn’t been bad, to be honest. 

“So you get injured again and you decide that I shouldn’t know. That’s not very nice, Jeonghan”

He felt his heart in his mouth and he jumped on the bed, suddenly sitting on the middle of the mattress, grimacing when he felt a sharp pain up his leg.

“I wonder who you wanted to keep it a secret from, the team in charge of the documentary or me”

There you were, leaning on the door with your arms crossed over your chest, frowning at him. He could cry while looking at you and perhaps the tears were inevitable because his eyes were already burning.

“How are you here?” he managed to ask.

You gave him a sheepish smile and showed him the badge on your neck. A picture of Joshua greeted him while you took a step close to him and Sar by his side on the bed.

“I stole Joshua's badge and wore it flipped around, no one really bothered to check if it was really me”

You took Jeonghan's right hand into yours, intertwining your fingers with his. It was almost a natural movement at this point and you weren’t surprised when he leaned forward and rested his forehead on your shoulder.

Throughout the entire day you had thought about what you would do, how you'd approach him. There was no right way to do it. You had two options: scream at him and tell him to just stop, that it wasn't worth it, or you could just be there for him, offer him your support in any way you could. And while the idea of screaming was great, you knew that it wasn't going to do any good. In fact, it would probably only worsen the situation that was already bad.

“I don't know what to do,” he said, slightly turning his head towards your neck and taking a deep breath, allowing himself to be completely lost in your scent.

“How bad is it?” 

If Jeonghan wasn't willing to share it with you, decided that keeping it a secret was his only option it was probably bad but as moved away from you and pulled his pants up you enough to show the purple bruise on his ankle you realized that it was far worse than you could have imagined.

“Oh my God” you covered your mouth to stop yourself from saying anything else. 

You thought back at his program, how he executed all of it flawlessly, how he was in second place — only 0.2 behind the first place — how he had a real chance at winning despite all odds.

“It looks worse than it feels, but it doesn't feel good either”

You pushed his hair back, away from his face. His eyes were filled with unwashed tears, so desperate. Seeing him like that was like having someone squeeze your heart with all of their strength, as if trying to turn it into ashes.

“I'm so close to it and I can see it, it's right there. If I just…” he balled his hands into fists as tears finally ran down his face “I just need to do well, do what I've been practicing and I know I'll get it. But this…”

He punched his thigh, eyes closed.

You took his face into your hands, delicately making him look at you. You had no idea that your heart could break just by looking at someone, had no idea that you would feel that way for someone else in your life. It was a crazy thought, a realization that there was someone else in the world that could make you feel like that. 

When you told Jeonghan that you loved him it wasn't a lie. You didn't just threw those words around. Your heart was his and it was shattering for him.

You knew what it meant to him, all of it. Jeonghan might have made it seem as if he was just there to win and call it a day but you knew that it ran deeper than that. It was his last everything when it came down to it. His last competition, yes, but it was also his last everything. The last time he could say figure skater Yoon Jeonghan, after that he would just be retired. He hated the media a little too much to try and be one of those sports celebrities. 

“If they tape you up, give you enough painkillers, do you think you could do it?” your words were shaky as you spoke “Do you think it's possible?”

Jeonghan couldn't really believe his ears, in what you were saying to him. He was certain that you would tell him to stop, that it was okay, that he didn't have to go all the way to the end. It was a good run, you don't have to prove yourself to anyone, he could almost hear your voice in his mind. 

But right there, in front of him, you stood doing the exact opposite of what he expected.

“I thought you'd tell me to stop”

You kissed his face, close to his eyes, where his tears had stained his cheeks. The first one was quick, the second lingering a little bit more.

“I probably should, but it's not what you need” you kissed his forehead, nose, and lips “You're a force to be reckoned with, Jeonghan. If there's someone in the world that can compete in these conditions it's you”

Your heart was oddly at peace with everything. Sneaking into Jeonghan's room had been reckless but necessary, for both of you.

It was scary to imagine him getting injured again. You knew how hard he worked to be able to even get on the ice at all. You knew what it meant to him, so telling him that it was okay to just try felt natural and in some ways the only right option. 

Leaving his room had been hard. All you wanted to do was stay there with him, comforting him, in silence. You just wanted to be by his side but you knew that wasn't possible so you left after kissing him.

Maybe telling him to push through was a bad call, maybe telling him to quit was what was best for him but you tried to put yourself in his shoes. Had it been you, with your last chance ever, would you stop or would just just say fuck it and go down trying?

The answer was easy: you'd do the exact same.

“So…” Seungkwan asked as the four of you walked into the gymnasium “Is he okay?”

Seungkwan was a good friend and someone who worried about Jeonghan. He had been the first one to warm up to him and talk with him. Jeonghan liked him too, calling him Seungkwannie and even inviting him for dinner on occasion. 

“Not really,” you said as you finally found your seats “But he's going to compete anyway”

“Can he even do that?” Jihoon asked, “Should he do that?”

Your shoulders rose as you sighed.

“He's doing what he thinks is the best option for him”

The conversation ended just like that. There was nothing left to say. All any of you could do was sit and wait.

Jeonghan skated into the rink. His face was serious, no emotion on display. It was a mask of a man who was focused on what he had to do. He eyes the center of the rink, unblinking. 

His costume of choice was very simple, just a plain black blouse with silver and blue details on the sleeves and around his neck. His hair was tied back and away from his face. 

Looking at him one wouldn’t be able to say that he was in pain, that his ankle was twice its normal size, so close to just giving up. No one could tell that he was shaking. It was imperceptible to those on the bleachers that his heart was beating so fast, so loudly, that he could feel it in his ears. 

He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. Once. Twice. Again. He thought of you, with your hands clasped together in a silent prayer, he thought of his mother and sister watching him from home. He thought about himself two and a half years before, how hard he had worked to get to that rink one last time. He thought back to his ten years old self, when he first dreamt of the Olympics.

Winning was his only option. 

Jeonghan opened his eyes as a smile tugged at the corners of his lips. 

The entire gymnasium erupted in loud cheers while Jeonghan thanked the audience, one side, then another. He bows his head a few times, catching one of the bunny dolls thrown at the rink in mid air. His smile is beautiful and large. He became pure happiness and you know that it couldn’t be any different.

Jeonghan managed to deliver his performance in complete perfection, no obvious mistakes were made. You were certain the judges would find something to deduce points but there was no way that he wouldn’t place first.

He waved at the crowd and somehow the cheering got even louder. It’s not his home country but it felt as if everyone in there was applauding him more than all of the athletes before him. And maybe that was really the case.

Jeonghan’s injury had been disclosed to the public right before the beginning of the competition and people love the idea of someone who can overcome whatever it is that stops them, an injury, a disease.

Jeonghan whirled around one more time, hand in the air waving, when face his contorted, his beautiful smile gone and he fell to his knees.

One second.

Two seconds.

Five seconds.

He didn’t move an inch, he didn’t get put but he also didn’t do much else. It was when you started to worry that there was something wrong. Even from that far back, you saw his arms shake, his eyes shut close, and his hand balled into fists. It became painfully obvious that there was something wrong.

The cheering and applause didn’t stop or got quieter. If anything, the volume only got louder. The crowd seemed to think that he was still thanking them, that he was overwhelmed with emotions, that he was exhausted after such a perfect performance.

He did the unthinkable, he managed to finish his performance flawlessly, lading jump, after jump, after jump. And he did, on the last performance of his career, at his last Olympics.

Jeonghan hadn’t announced it yet, but that was his last everything. After that day, he would leave behind his days in figure skating and would try to search for something else to do with his life. It was the last of him, ever, and he ended it on such a high note.

After more than a year of following him, talking to him, and understanding who Jeonghan was and what his stage persona was, you knew that it was not the emotions he was feeling. Although the man could be very humble at times, he wasn’t to that extent. He wouldn’t be on his knees for a full minute.

That’s when you saw coach run to the ice, two paramedics right behind him.

You rush down the bleachers, trying to see what’s happening on the ice while trying not to fall face first. The coach talked with Jeonghan, and whatever the older man said got a reply and Jeonghan shook his head. You didn’t know what he’s saying.

I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong. I’m not in pain. I’m just tired.

Those are the words you wished he said, on just a collection of them

Vernon took the camera and did a run down of the crowd before turning it to Jeonghan, still on his knees. You didn’t know what to do. The two of them were right behind you, Vernon and Seungkwan, their footsteps way too loud for you to notice that the crowd had finally stopped cheering, finally noticing that the situation wasn’t as good as they first expected it to be.

Your eyes never really left Jeonghan. The only thought going through your mind at that moment was to get to him as fast as possible, to hold his hand. That simple action wouldn’t mean much, you knew that, and you would do it more for yourself than for him. But you liked to think that in such a moment, he would want you by his side.

The paramedics raised Jeonghan, his arms around their shoulders while they carried him out of the ring. One of his feet slides with ease, while he holds the other one up in a weird position, slightly tilted back.

That’s when you knew. The issue on his ankle. He took it too far with the performance and practices, landing on it time and time again.

You stopped in your tracks and turned around. You pressed your hand on the lens of Vernon’s camera pushing it until he finally lowered it.

“Stop filming, right now” it wasn’t a request, your voice wasn’t kind. It was an order, one you needed him to follow “From now on, nothing gets filmed”

Vernon looked confused, his eyes darting to Seungkwan, as if asking for help in a way.

“But it’s our job,” he said.

You shook your head.

“Our job, what we needed to film, ended the second he landed that jump. Now it’s not the time to record him”

Seungkwan understands what you’re saying, he too pressed a hand on Vernon’s camera, pushing it even further down, shaking his head and his friends looked at him worried.

You turned away from them, eyes immediately falling on Jeonghan.

For a moment you thought that they wouldn't let you through. Security had no idea of who you were. So why would they let a strange woman be anywhere near the athlete? But they did let you through. You didn’t know how, you didn't know why, but you also didn’t dare to question.

They just moved out of the way, making a path for you. You followed the coach back to the locker rooms, ignoring the fact that you shouldn’t be there, not in the male one anyway.

You finally reached Jeonghan. His face was pale, paler than usual, his lips were turning purple.

“Jeonghan” his name leaves your lips in a breath.

He reached a hand for you once the paramedics laid him down on a stretcher.

“Baby,” he said, voice barely above a whisper “I did it. Did you see it?”

You pushed his hair away from his forehead, surprised with his cold sweat.

“You did it, you were fantastic”

He smiled at you, his eyes not really focusing on you or on anything else.

“I think I broke something,” he said, voice low “I don’t know, it just hurts. A lot”

You looked at his coach, the man didn’t know either, but his eyes were focused on Jeonghan's ankle. Your eyes move to the paramedic, who as carefully as possible trying to remove his skates.

The doctor that accompanied Jeonghan since the surgery finally approached him. The man too looked as white as a candle.

Jeonghan had finally taken it too far. 

“You cut your hair, '' you said, as you tucked your legs under your thighs, sitting comfortably on the fluff carpet in Jeonghan’s living room. 

Seungkwan stood behind you and by his side was Vernon. It was the place where it all started, so it seemed fitting that it also ended there. 

Jeonghan nodded, running his hand through the loose strands. You drummed your fingers over your thighs, thinking about how just a couple of hours before you were playing with his hair while he had his head on your belly because your stomach is being noisy and I want to sleep when you told him he could move, he just hugged your waist tighter rubbing his face on your skin nope.

“I thought it would be a good change” he pouted a little, unconsciously “I still need to get used to it.”

Why did you think it would be a good change?”

He narrowed his eyes for a second. He had that conversation with you before. For a moment he forgot that the version of you he talked with was his girlfriend, not the documentarist sitting in front of him. 

“I started to grow my hair after the whole incident with the press” he made a dismissive gesture with his hand “I think I sort of wanted to hide from them and the hair helped a lot. In a way, I think a new haircut symbolizes a new start? You know, now that I’m no longer an athlete”

You nodded, smiling at him. It always took his breath away, your smile. He loved the way you had been constantly smiling around him, the frown that seemed to have a permanent stay between your eyebrows when you first met was nowhere in sight.

“How does it feel, being retired?”

“If you asked me that four years ago, I’d say that it sounded like my words nightmare. But now after so many injuries and surgeries, it felt like the timing was right. If you think about it, the way it ended for me was pretty epic”

Jeonghan matched your smile as the memories started to flood his mind. The way he almost blacked out due to the pain in his ankle, the way the crowd screamed so loudly and he refused to believe that it was because of him, at least not until Bumzu came back to his side, his eyes red with unshed tears.

“You fucking idiot of a human, you did it”

You had kissed his temple multiple times, telling him how brave he was, how strong he was. "Most people would have walked away before even getting on the rink” you had said later that night after all of you had finally gotten back from the hospital. Jeonghan was prohibited from using his foot and needed to have surgery once again after the worst part of the swelling subsided. 

He remembers refusing to be taken away to get his ankle checked until he saw with his own eyes that he had won. He was carried out by Bumzu and Joshua despite the doctor’s cries that he should be taken to the hospital. You followed the three of them close behind. 

Jeonghan smiled at the screen hanging from the roof. His name stood at the top of the list, in big letters, the number one attached to it. 

As he stood on the podium, gold medal around his neck, Jeonghan saw you clamming and screaming, a huge smile on your face as tears ran down your cheeks. He had finally gotten his wish, to see you being as eloquent as possible, cheering for him. 

“Most people would agree with you”

“I feel bad about making my family worry though. But they understand, I think”

His sister has screamed at him over the phone, angry that he asked them not to go watch him — mostly because he was scared to have them there while he failed — that he never told them about his injuries. But also happy for him. Truthfully he didn’t understand some of what she said, talking while crying was not her forte. 

You looked back at Seungkwan over your shoulder and both of you nodded. Jeonghan watched as you closed the small notebook in your hands and put it aside. 

“This is the last question of this documentary, so make your answer a good one, okay?” you said teasingly “Now that you can’t skate again, what are your plans for the future?”

Saying that Jeonghan wouldn’t be able to skate again was maybe a little exaggeration. Sure, there was no way he’d ever be able to compete again — nor did he wanted to —, but maybe after he was all healed he could do it again just for fun. That wasn’t something he was going to say directly at you. You had gotten worried after his new injury that even conversations about past competitions made you shiver, it had gotten so bad that you had nightmares about him getting hurt again and in those his end was never quite as good or epic as the one he actually got. So Jeonghan thought that it was for the best to not talk about it, at least for the time being while he still hadn’t been cleared by his doctor.

“With my career?” he bit his lip, truly thinking about it “For now, nothing. I’ve been competing for almost twenty years, in the rink for about 22 years, I think I deserve to stop and just not do anything for a while. In my personal life, I want to spend some time with my family, which is something that I always skipped because practice was just more important. I haven’t spent a birthday with them in years”

He tilted his head to the side, his eyes on you. 

“I have a girlfriend, right. And she had this little notebook, I think she might be a little obsessed with notebooks and pens, and everything stationary related” he whispered the last part making you roll your eyes “She writes in those places she wants to go to. So, if I can convince her to take a few vacation days, I want to take her to those places”

“You suck,” you said.

“You didn’t seem to…”

Seungkwan took a step forward and blocked the view of the camera, his eyes wide.

“Okay, that’s a wrap everyone! Thank you!”

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Epiphany // Soft Porn (Prologue)

Summary: Joshua has always been comfortable with his sexuality and romantic orientation for as long as he could remember; he's straight, and monogamous. At least, that's what he thought. One day his bestest friend in the world starts exploring the possibility of seeing someone, a mutual friend, and well, Joshua realizes two things: He's not as straight as he thought he was, and he wants both of them.

Characters/Pairing(s): Hong Joshua x F!Reader x Yoon Jeonghan

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Smut (No smut in the prologue)

AUs/Trope info: Non-Idol!AU, Poly!AU, Strangers to Friends to Lovers,

Word Count: 2.5k

Warnings: Just drinking and cussing

Rating: 18+

A/N: banners by @kwanisms

The warm lights of the restaurant with the alcohol made Joshua's face tingle. He's gotten a few drinks in with his best friend, Jeonghan, who's arguably in a worse state than he was.

“Joshuji, I met this girl at a friend's birthday recently. She's new to the area and I think you guys would click, she's really chill.” Jeonghan slurred slightly, head swaying and while his hair fell over his face.

“Really? Ah, you really know how to make friends in all places huh.” Joshua said, at least he thinks he did. He and Jeonghan notoriously cannot handle their alcohol, so he might've just slurred something incomprehensible.

From the way Jeonghan squinted and furrowed his eyebrows, it was clear that he was having a hard time trying to understand what Joshua was trying to say, still, he nodded as a form of ‘I don't want to think too hard lest my head explodes' gesture. He just laughed it off and hoped it was a joke.

Luckily for him, it was, and as he threw his head back sloppily, Joshua couldn't help but notice the way his long hair whipped off of his face, letting him get a better view of his friend's neck along with the drunken joy of his face.

Ah, he's so pretty. Joshua thought to himself, there's nothing wrong with appreciating the aesthetic beauty of your closest friend, right? It's okay for him to think he's absolutely gorgeous because he means a lot to him, right?

It's totally normal to want to date your bro if you were a girl, right?

I'd absolutely date him if I was a girl.

Totally normal thing to think about your best friend who just so happens to be drop-dead gorgeous. Joshua doesn't think too much about what that could mean; he’s lived 28 years without even questioning what type of people he's attracted to, and he's absolutely confident he liked women. If his hormonal teenage years of being provoked by big tits was any indication, he's completely confident about being into women.

What he didn't consider was the possibility of being into both.

But he's too out of it at the moment. Maybe if he remembers this when he's sober he'll explore the possibility more, but right now, he's content looking at the dopey, lopsided, lazy grin across Jeonghan's face.

Man, I love him… completely platonically!

The morning light bleeds through Joshua's curtains, the warmth of it hitting Joshua's face making his eyes flutter open. That wasn't the only warmth on him though, Jeonghan's sleeping figure was pressed against his chest, his head cradled in Joshua's arms. His shampoo invades Joshua's nose, the calming lavender prompting Joshua to take a deep breath of the scent.

Jeonghan stirs slightly, his arms around Joshua's torso tightening his hold on him, hand gripping the back of Joshua's sleep shirt with a groan. Joshua could feel the vibrations from Jeonghan's chest to his. Jeonghan nuzzles his face into Joshua's chest more, getting comfortable again.

This isn't the first time this happened; Joshua and Jeonghan have always been comfortable with each other, to the point that they'd move in together and cuddle regularly. Jeonghan claimed it made for a more fulfilling sleep, while Joshua is just happy to have Jeonghan close. He loves him, after all.

Completely platonically!

“Good morning.” Joshua murmured into Jeonghan's hair.

Jeonghan hummed in response, “G'morni… don' get up yet… ‘m still comfy…” he slurred, sleep still deep in his system, body heavy and maybe a little hungover from the night before.

Joshua chuckles at this, “I need to make breakfast for us, Hannie.” He said, threading his fingers through Jeonghan's hair to scratch his scalp. This motion causes Jeonghan to grin into Joshua's chest, his grip on his shirt relaxing. If Jeonghan was a cat, he'd be purring by now from content. 

They're broken out of their little bubble of comfort when Jeonghan's stomach growls in protest, his eyes snapping open, cheeks warming up in mild embarrassment from just how loud it was.

Joshua on the other hand, found it fucking adorable.

He pulls Jeonghan closer to his chest, the vibrations of his laughter on Jeonghan's cheek. His face flushes more, burying it into Joshua's chest with a whine.

“Please tell me you'll make breakfast soon.” He said, voice muffled by Joshua's chest.

“I'll make your favorite French toast if it'll make you feel better.” Joshua said, stroking Jeonghan's hair gently.

“Thanks bro.” Jeonghan said, finally releasing his hold on Joshua. He promptly gets up, stretching his arms and cracking his back, bare feet softly padding their way into the kitchen where he starts preparing to make breakfast. 

Jeonghan follows shortly after him, figure slightly swaying from his hangover, uneven steps thudding across the floor of their shared apartment. His furrowed brows and unpleasant expression shifted into a soft smile as soon as he saw Joshua's back facing towards him. 

Walking quietly to where Joshua was in front of the stove, Jeonghan placed his hands on both of Joshua's shoulders to peek over him, looking at the progress of their breakfast. 

Joshua smiles fondly at the sweet gesture, silently flipping the toast to finish cooking it. “Hannie, could you set the table? I think we still have orange juice in the fridge.”

Jeonghan only replies with a nasal hum, one of his many cute habits. He removes himself from Joshua's personal space and goes to check the fridge, taking the juice out to start setting the table.

Breakfast was served! They both sat down at their dining room table to enjoy it. 

“Hey Joshuji, I'm going out today to meet the new friend I made, do you wanna come with me?” Jeonghan asked with a mouthful of toast.

Joshua chews his toast slowly, trying to make some time in his schedule to go and meet with this friend Jeonghan keeps talking about.

“Sorry Han, I can't, I just remembered I have a doctor's appointment today, and with the clinic lines, it's gonna be a while.” He said after he swallowed his toast, picking up his glass of orange juice to wash it down.

“Aw, that's too bad, I had a feeling you guys would get along well. Maybe next time then.” Jeonghan continued to chew with a pout on his face, which Joshua found to be cute as fuck.

Stop pouting, you're too cute, I'd kiss that pout off your face if I were dating you. 

Wait, no, is that gay?

Nah, my love for him is completely platonic!

Joshua thought about that exchange with Jeonghan in their shared apartment for a while, and it easily took over his every waking thought as he sat in his car after his doctor's appointment, too distracted by confusing thoughts to start the car and feel safe driving it.

Was he trying to set me up with his new friend? Why? With the way he was talking about them, I'd assume he was into them. So why was he so adamant on introducing us?

That wasn’t really the issue plaguing him though,  it's the fact that the idea of Jeonghan dating someone is bothering him. Not that he's jealous or anything! It's just that, if Jeonghan starts dating someone else,  then he won't have as much time to hang out with him! He'll get homie-napped and pussy-whipped right in front of his eyes!

Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration, but it is still a very valid concern to have! Jeonghan is Joshua's- best friend. Best friend, platonic soulmate, his other- platonic- half!

They're planning to steal the platonic love of his life!

Oh my god- Joshua what the fuck are you thinking? Be normal!! Your all-in-one best friend, roommate, and soulmate can date people and you don't have to be weird about it! It's not like he hasn't dated before! 

Joshua groaned, slamming his head into the steering wheel causing the car to make an abrupt and loud honk. Joshua jolted, surprising himself, and sending an apologetic look at the lady pushing her stroller in front of his car who was also a little spooked.

God, I'm a mess, why can't I ever be normal about Jeonghan dating people? We're both adults for fuck's sake.

Joshua rubs his palms into his face, groaning a very long groan. The noise of frustration seemingly lasted for hours, at least to him, and his pertinent for dramatics.

Joshua was finally able to get himself out of his head, and he regained the capacity to focus on the road and drive safely, like a very normal, and very sane person. 

Don't think of Jeonghan. Don't think of Jeonghan. Don't think of Jeonghan. Don't think of- Turn left? Left???? Hold on what's left again? Fuckfuckfuckfuck-

Joshua ended up missing his turn and drove an extra 3 hours of shame in an attempt to get back to his original route, so in hindsight, maybe he still wasn't in the right state of mind to have been driving. 

The only silver lining was that his thoughts of Jeonghan were replaced by the desire to finally get home.

Joshua finally made it home in one piece,  though he noticed Jeonghan still hadn't come home.

No, no, bad Joshua! Stop! Stop thinking about him!

He shut his eyes tightly as he tried to navigate the apartment with his eyes closed, trying to push the intrusive thoughts of his pretty best friend from his mind.

Think of literally anything else, think straight thoughts! Women, females, tits, ass, vagina- ew no, I'm straight, not a douchebag. What kind of ass thinks of women as detached genitalia or something? If I just need to stick my dick into something; I have a fist and a fleshlight. 

Joshua successfully pushed the intrusive thoughts away by overthinking himself into an argument with fictitious misogynists.

Still, even when the thought of Jeonghan wasn't at the forefront of his mind, a sinking feeling still washed over him. Dread, maybe anxiety? Whatever it is, it's ugly, and Joshua hates feeling it.

Joshua wakes up in the middle of the night, body jolting at the realization that he accidentally fell asleep in his outside clothes. He sits up, squinting at the darkness of his bedroom, subconsciously reaching over to the left side of the bed further from the door, only to be met with cold sheets. 

Right, Jeonghan isn't here.

Joshua doesn't know when Jeonghan comes home, he feels a little guilty since he usually waits for Jeonghan to come home so they can do their night routine together. 

Joshua's California King-size bed feels a little too big for him now, too empty to be comfortable. It's not the safe place Joshua feels it is without Jeonghan.

Joshua only has the silence of night and the hug of moonlight to accompany him now, all he has the energy to do now is think. Think about just how much he values and depends on the constant that was Jeonghan in his life. Ever since he met him, fresh out of high school, new to the country. Through the culture shock of moving to the other side of the world, Jeonghan had been a steady rock to lean on.

Thinking was a dangerous thing for Joshua to do, forcing him to address personal turmoils that would usually disappear in the light of day.

Joshua is sure that he loves Jeonghan, but he can't help but explore the possibility of being in love with him.

It's not like he hasn't thought about it before, on other lonely nights like these where Joshua doesn't have the sound of Jeonghan's snores to distract him.

The constant hum of the air conditioning tunes out the sound of Joshua's breathing, and even under his comforter, it's cold. It's lonely without Jeonghan.

Isolation was never good for Joshua, especially if he was left alone with his thoughts. He shakes his head, throwing the covers off himself to make the journey to their kitchen. 

Isolation was never good for Joshua, so he seeks the company of a bottle of whiskey. 

He pours a bit in a glass, neat, not being in the mood to even get ice. He takes the bottle and his glass to the chair facing the floor-to-ceiling windows of their apartment. 

Moonlight lights up Joshua's face, highlighting every shadow over his face. He distantly thinks about Jeonghan again—if he saw Joshua right now, he'd scold him. He's not used to Joshua's way of coping by bleeding his emotions to the moon.

Maybe it's wishful thinking, or maybe it's a desperate prayer that was finally heard, but Jeonghan finds Joshua drinking near the window.

“I thought I told you not to drink alone, Joshuji.” Jeonghan said, sleep still in his voice as his feet pad on the hardwood.

“I know Hannie, I'm sorry, I've just been thinking.” He said, downing the rest of the whiskey in the glass before setting it down on the small table next to his chair.

Jeonghan wordlessly sat on the chair across from Joshua, scanning the shadows of his face. “What were you thinking about?” Jeonghan asked, leaning comfortably against his seat.

Joshua's eyes fell over Jeonghan's face, the moonlight casting a soft glow, skin shining pearlescent, the light creating a halo around his head.

His breath gets caught in his throat, he's beautiful. Angelic was the perfect word to describe how Jeonghan looked at this moment. Joshua remembers how his pastor back in church would describe these higher beings.

He fully believes Jeonghan was sent to him to look after him. There's no other reason for a man to look like “safety” and “security” to him.

Unless, of course, Joshua is in love with him.

“I'm thinking about us.” Joshua finally replied, after much thought, he knew hiding something from Jeonghan would only be more trouble than it was worth.

Jeonghan's back straightened, surprised at the easy confession out of Joshua, “Us? What do you mean by that Joshua?”

Jeonghan only ever uses his real name when he's serious, Joshua only shakes his head and smiles at him.

“It's nothing. But, you know I love you, right?” Joshua says, the word ‘love’ feeling heavy on his tongue.

Jeonghan's face softens, knowing Joshua isn't ready to talk about that just yet. Still, he answers, “I know, I love you too.”

Joshua's heart swells at the reassurance, smiling fondly at Jeonghan, his best friend. As he stands up to walk towards Joshua.

Joshua waits for Jeonghan's next move, patiently watching every delicate movement of his body, from the sway of his hair down to the rocking of the heels of his feet.

Jeonghan reached out to Joshua, cupping his face, the pad of his thumb wiping a stray tear from his cheek, not realizing that they'd started to fall. 

“You mean so much to me, more than you think you do, and I'm waiting for you. Find me when you're ready to talk.” Jeonghan said, moving Joshua's bangs away from his face, leaning down to press a kiss to his forehead.

When Jeonghan moved away from Joshua's face, the light behind Jeonghan's head made a halo around him once more, reminding Joshua that solace was his soulmate.