January 12th (falling In Love Twice)

January 12th (falling in love twice)

Truth be told, I chose the art of wallowing in the loss of love for a long time.

564 days to be exact. 564 days I sat in the grief of losing myself in love and losing myself

Trying to figure out who I was outside of pain and the remembrance of what life was like when the sky was a beautiful shade of purple

I was simultaneously, trying to heal and let the love of myself lead me.

The journey of coming back to myself was a struggle, but there’s such beauty in the darkness I’ve been told

I discovered parts of myself that I didn’t even know existed until I went deeper and truly explored who I was.

(Who I am.)

I spent 365 days soaking up the dominance of another, feeling lost in the idea of them and not who they were in actuality.

I was terrified to fall again in any capacity. I was afraid of hearing the pitter-patter of the rain - the sinking feeling I would get in my stomach from the clouds going grey.

I had comfort in knowing the journey of self-healing wasn’t linear and not every day would be full of sunshine. So, I absorbed as much of life as I could, revelling in all its beauty and imperfections.

I lived…

And I waited…

And I lived a little more…

I fought with myself…

I battled…

And I riveted…

I existed…

I resented

And I accepted

I survived.

I survived myself and the ruminating.

Then, I waited again… This time intentionally

I sat mindlessly living and forgetting they ever existed

For the first time in 91 and a half days, my heart felt at peace, I forgot your name.

The new cycle was among us, and I was exactly 12 days through the first passage

Living.

Ensuing, I saw you. It was fleeting

I was engrossed by your presence amidst the noise and the chaos

I quietly observed you for a moment, seeing your eyes light up at the atmosphere

The warmth and humility you exuded was alluring

I had never seen anything like it.

I blinked again and the noise had now settled. You were gone but your smile remained imprinted in my brain thereafter.

I needed to know you, deeper than the surface.

Intrigued, I searched for you again.

Scared.

I found you, lost in between, blue, red, and purple

Anxiously, patiently…

Scared.

I waited to feel your presence again

Feeling the swarming in my stomach

Scared.

Your presence was consuming but not overwhelming.

I enjoyed getting to know you on the surface

Gone.

I searched for you but this time I couldn’t find you

Longing.

I lived again…

I experienced…

I lived…

I felt…

And I lived

I suffered

I overcame.

There you were again… you reappeared in all your glory.

This time I got to feel you in the physical

That embrace... now and then it crosses my mind

You were everything.

I held on.

I felt

I dreamed…

I anticipated…

I held on.

I held on.

I held on.

Realisation crept on me like a hunter stalking its prey

You were now a full-time intruder in my mind, and I embraced you wholeheartedly

Open.

Falling.

I am one little entity, one little spectacle in a universe so full of life and experience

I was experiencing you.

Finally.

It was refreshing and genuine

I waited for you

I prayed for you.

I was suffocated by the very thought of you

I imagined and reimagined you

I saw you in real-time

You understood me

How lucky was I to be awarded with your grace?

Nervous.

I laid before you naked and bare

I let you see me and feel me

In front of you

Beside you

Close to you…

Open.

I wore my courage like armour and let my fears slip away

Courage.

You were light

You were like a dream.

The English language is far too premature to illustrate and articulate my love for you

You are magnetic

You sent me flying…

You sent me flying.

You sent me flying.

You gave me the space to think coherently

To process coherently

To endure candidly

I’m no longer afraid

Even when the darkness crept in again for 9 days, you illuminated.

Pure magic

Authentic.

Real.

My heart yearns for you, I am struck by your kindness, your warmness, your patience

You allowed life to feel light again

You gave me hope in dreaming again

You are a dream come true.

Truth be told, I chose the art of dwelling on the idea of you

Amid finding you, I found me.

You saved me.

Open.

Marie-Helene Bertino

“august, unpack my fears so heaviness of old concerns don’t weigh me down, undress my uncertainty so i don’t clothe myself in narratives i’ve outgrown. wash away what isn’t for me and allow what is to flow into my life with ease. may yesterdays cycles become todays breakthroughs.”

— billy chapata