Bro Found And Terminated An SCP

Bro found and terminated an SCP

There's a really non-obvious consequence to all those "smart" appliances out there. Your average corporation lasts less than ten years before it's acquired, goes bankrupt, or is no longer doing the thing it first started out doing. However, all those internet-of-things gadgets still need someone to be paying the server bill, otherwise half of the features go "poof."

This is great for me: I get cheap appliances, tools, construction robots, and pseudo-sentient war machines because most of their functionality required a now-nonexistent web service to be working. For instance, this oven I pulled out of a ditch works perfectly fine to cook food, but the "Turkey Mode" that makes an obnoxious gobbling sound on Thanksgiving Day no longer activates on its own.

Not everything is as lucky. Lots of gadgets are just totally useless, so they get turned into other things. A lobotomized robot lawnmower quickly became a regular ol' human-operated lawnmower with the attachment of a Princess Auto two-stroke engine and a very, very long wood pole. And then there's the stuff that just gets plain weird.

A few weeks ago, I got a new microwave from the "gettin' spot." It was due to be recycled, to be turned into some other microwave. I figured it would still work perfectly fine, so I brought it home, plugged it in, and got ready to heat up some Pizza Pockets. Nothing doing: the screen had only one functional "app" remaining.

On its flickering high-dollar OLED screen, I saw the words "death prediction date." And, clicking on it, the microwave began to read out an entirely plausible date and cause for my personal demise. For a couple days after, guests to my house were also amazed by the microwave's chillingly reasonable projection of their inevitable fatal accident or terminal illness.

I'll never know why the Guangzhou Champion Home Appliance Company imbued the microwave with such an eerie memento mori, but I am grateful for it. The whole experience taught me that life is short, far too short to listen to some snarky-ass microwave that won't even cook a Pizza Pocket. If it's so smart, maybe it should have guessed that I was going to drag it behind my truck on the highway until the transformer – with its delicious, copper-rich windings – fell out.

💀

I went to a psychic, and she told me that I would be totally heartbroken in 14 years. 

I felt so bad about this, I went and got a puppy.

Does anyone else think it funny how the eclipse literally heralds the immediate final end of all things wii u?

#the fire ant empire shall drown in the wet heat of their own arrogance

I just loooooove the smell of boiling fire ants in the afternoon....sigh.

Unfortunately, as of 2001, this is now impossible.

Reagan’s joke. 

Two men, an American and a Russian were arguing. One said,

“in my country I can go to the white house walk to the president’s office and pound the desk and say “Mr president! I don’t like how you’re running things in this country!”

“I can do that too!”

“Really?”

“Yes! I can go to the Kremlin, walk into the general secretary’s office and pound the desk and say, Mr. secretary, I don’t like how Reagan is running his country!”

Choo choo!

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