I Always Have Had Big Feelings.

I always have had big feelings.

It's a curse and blessing.

When I love, I love with all my existence, so much that the love overflows and topples me over like a high tide on a full moon night. And when I hurt... I feel it everywhere. first, it tugs at my feet like the first big wave of the night and then it takes over me like a tsunami.

The hurt reverberates in me and echoes in everything I do. It burns my touches, my smiles and my breaths. The love emanates from me like radiation, everything glows bright and the lightness in my step makes the pavements look pink on a gloomy night. Being with you feels like a sunset, the pinks and oranges fading into an ultraviolet that brings me an incandescent smile. The calm after a day with blazing heat and raging Manhattan breeze feeding into the slow waves of the Hudson against the pier into a night so vibrant and blue it puts the city lights to shame. I chase the moon. As a child of feelings that eat me up the night protects me from judgmental eyes and wraps me in a blanket of comfort. As I lay there, on several dark nights, on city rooftops, shedding tears of red and gold, the moon stood right above me. The moon had been my best friend before I understood the meaning of the word in a moving human being. You feel like the moon comes down on the earth to be my best friend shining light on a dark stormy night. Like the one I come to during times of turbulence. Again, I am well aware these are feelings that aren't necessarily described as normal psychologically. but I have never been one for being "normal". I am too much for everyone and myself. I smile too much and cry too much. Ask too much and reveal too much. I shy away too much and achieve too much. I love too much and hate too much. I am sad too much and worry too much. I am alone too much and I push people away too much. I think about myself too much and wish I didn't disappoint people too much. I hurt too much and love too much. Yet all I crave is the intimacy of being understood. Everyone sees me, eviscerates me, points fingers at me, criticises me and admires me. Not many know me... Do I know me? Do I know you? What are you if not the pieces you have shown me... and if those pieces are anything to go by, I know we are similar.

You love a lot, with all your being. You love the trees, the sun, the moon, the wind, your friends and your family. To be loved by you would be a blessing from the heavens above. To be the one lighting up your eyes and making you turn red. To be the one who takes care of you and makes a fuss about you for once. I am scarred, everywhere outside and inside. The demons that I acquired in the game of life have poisoned my brain into believing I shouldn't deserve someone who can give so much pure unadulterated love. But I refuse to listen to them... I am scared, I always am. Too much (again). Disappointment has been my companion through the rough journies I have taken up until this point. To get disappointed by you and/or to disappoint you would be a shame. You remind me of me- the version who loves with no inhibitions and sees joy in nature. The image of you smiling at the sunset- a recurring occurrence, will forever be etched in my brain. That exact moment was when I fell in love with myself. Seeing you do something I used to do until I started letting people get to me and realising how beautiful your soul is when I fell for myself.

The pragmatic brain in me tells me that it is probably too soon for me to even believe I am in love with you, while the hopeless heart retorts that I fell in love with myself and that is the more important aspect. Is there a point to this rambling other than to detangle the mess in my brain? Not initially, but now the point seems to be the realisation I have had on exactly how deep my feelings could go. Added with the epiphany that I am not scared about it either. Once again, pragmatism and past pain should know better but I have always been the one to feel with all my being. So it only makes sense I feel this with every fibre cell, even the one still recovering from the last fall.

On a serious note. I need a break. Idk from what. Myself? Humans? The world? Emotions? Idk. I only need a break. Coz my head is throbbing. And it needs to stop- Being alive is more like survival now. And I'm tired of constantly running and fighting :)

Maybe - Jeongin

Pairing: Yang Jeongin x Reader

tags: fluff, friends to lovers, unrequited love, best friend Jeongin, winter weather, angsty yearning

a/n: not proofread, just trying to live my delusions through writing (I am hopelessly down the rabbit hole)

masterlist

"Be careful. It's slippery." It's the bare minimum and you are aware of that but the tumble your stomach takes and the giddiness in your heart indicate that you definitely did not get it.

Jeongin came into your life like a Manhattan wind- strong, surprising and mind-boggling. He changed the course of your life in an abhorrently short time. Everything about him screamed your type, especially that damned dimple. And you were so hopelessly in love that the fact that he insists on referring to you as his "bestest friend" almost every day breaks your heart and stitches it right back up.

You watch as he brushes his hair away from his face, those smooth dark black fringes framing his face as he breathes out fog in winter. You have been admiring his features, his beauty and all of him since the wind was a welcome change to the heat. Now the wind sends a chill down your spine and you hug yourself a little tighter.

He leads the way, looking around excitedly like a kid. The frozen lake forms a scenery of serenity and calm unknown to the ever turbulent heart of yours. Winters have always been rough on you, the cold can be cruel to those without enough layers to keep them warm. This one might be different. Or so you hope.

"Y/N, stop dreaming and keep walking. Eyes on the ground." Jeongin tries his best to sound stern but the concern drips sweetness from his voice.

"Shut up, Jeongin. I'm completely fin-AH!" As luck would have it, right as you finished the sentence you stepped on some fresh ice and slipped. Giving up on pretending to be graceful, you let yourself fall flat on your ass.

"Go ahead and tell me 'told you so'", you groan, lowering your voice for the last three words in an exaggerated imitation of Jeongin's voice. Looking up you notice that Jeongin looks like he's having a seizure from all the laughing he is doing. You begin to pout, but the view is too good to even be embarrassed or disappointed.

His fox eyes are crinkled into two straight lines, dimples deep and cheeks flushed bright red. He's bending over in laughter, looking up and down, pushing away his fringe from his face. The big coat envelopes him, the sun sinking into the water behind him. Jeongin is a sight for sore eyes even on a regular day, but a Jeongin radiating pure bliss is a full-on painting you could sit and admire for days on end.

"Yaa! What are you staring at? Get up before you freeze to death." His voice brings you back to reality and suddenly the snow under you starts to make its temperature known and you get up as fast as possible.

Dusting the snow off you and straightening your clothes, you walk to join Jeongin who is a few steps ahead of you staring at the scenery.

"When will you stop falling Y/N..." He jokes silently.

You make it impossible to not fall every second I am with you.

"Only if you ever leave..." you say silently.

He turns to you with a questioning look and you smile as you shake your head and look at the impending sunset against the snow-covered park.

Maybe he'll never know how hard you have fallen for him. Maybe Jeongin will wake up one summer day realising that the sparkle in your eyes and the blush on your cheeks was not the winter's fault. Maybe he will fall with you one day. And maybe one day, your thoughts won't just be filled with maybe's. But for now, he's here. That's all that matters. You have him in your life, you get to love someone as radiant as the summer sun and as calming as the midnight moon. You have Jeongin. That's enough. "Innie, shall we go?"

"After you, Milady."

The sound of giggles fills the dense winter air as a boy and a girl walk side by side, unaware of how much they love each other in silence.

How tf do I move on from the friend I am in love with and spend all my time around in one group 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

“A healthy relationship is where two independent people just make a deal that they will help the other person be the best version of themselves.”

— Unknown

bro i just need a midnight walk with my soulmate holding hands