I Always Have Had Big Feelings.

I always have had big feelings.

It's a curse and blessing.

When I love, I love with all my existence, so much that the love overflows and topples me over like a high tide on a full moon night. And when I hurt... I feel it everywhere. first, it tugs at my feet like the first big wave of the night and then it takes over me like a tsunami.

The hurt reverberates in me and echoes in everything I do. It burns my touches, my smiles and my breaths. The love emanates from me like radiation, everything glows bright and the lightness in my step makes the pavements look pink on a gloomy night. Being with you feels like a sunset, the pinks and oranges fading into an ultraviolet that brings me an incandescent smile. The calm after a day with blazing heat and raging Manhattan breeze feeding into the slow waves of the Hudson against the pier into a night so vibrant and blue it puts the city lights to shame. I chase the moon. As a child of feelings that eat me up the night protects me from judgmental eyes and wraps me in a blanket of comfort. As I lay there, on several dark nights, on city rooftops, shedding tears of red and gold, the moon stood right above me. The moon had been my best friend before I understood the meaning of the word in a moving human being. You feel like the moon comes down on the earth to be my best friend shining light on a dark stormy night. Like the one I come to during times of turbulence. Again, I am well aware these are feelings that aren't necessarily described as normal psychologically. but I have never been one for being "normal". I am too much for everyone and myself. I smile too much and cry too much. Ask too much and reveal too much. I shy away too much and achieve too much. I love too much and hate too much. I am sad too much and worry too much. I am alone too much and I push people away too much. I think about myself too much and wish I didn't disappoint people too much. I hurt too much and love too much. Yet all I crave is the intimacy of being understood. Everyone sees me, eviscerates me, points fingers at me, criticises me and admires me. Not many know me... Do I know me? Do I know you? What are you if not the pieces you have shown me... and if those pieces are anything to go by, I know we are similar.

You love a lot, with all your being. You love the trees, the sun, the moon, the wind, your friends and your family. To be loved by you would be a blessing from the heavens above. To be the one lighting up your eyes and making you turn red. To be the one who takes care of you and makes a fuss about you for once. I am scarred, everywhere outside and inside. The demons that I acquired in the game of life have poisoned my brain into believing I shouldn't deserve someone who can give so much pure unadulterated love. But I refuse to listen to them... I am scared, I always am. Too much (again). Disappointment has been my companion through the rough journies I have taken up until this point. To get disappointed by you and/or to disappoint you would be a shame. You remind me of me- the version who loves with no inhibitions and sees joy in nature. The image of you smiling at the sunset- a recurring occurrence, will forever be etched in my brain. That exact moment was when I fell in love with myself. Seeing you do something I used to do until I started letting people get to me and realising how beautiful your soul is when I fell for myself.

The pragmatic brain in me tells me that it is probably too soon for me to even believe I am in love with you, while the hopeless heart retorts that I fell in love with myself and that is the more important aspect. Is there a point to this rambling other than to detangle the mess in my brain? Not initially, but now the point seems to be the realisation I have had on exactly how deep my feelings could go. Added with the epiphany that I am not scared about it either. Once again, pragmatism and past pain should know better but I have always been the one to feel with all my being. So it only makes sense I feel this with every fibre cell, even the one still recovering from the last fall.

Nobody tells you how much mental illness fucks with your perception of time. How you can’t place memories right. How you can’t distinguish if something happened a month ago or a year ago. How you lose entire chunks. Weeks, months of memories just get brushed away somewhere. What you do remember just ebbs and flows together. You’re never really in the moment so you can’t ever really hang onto it.

The lights turn green and the doors part ways. Intertwined palms holding on for dear life. Tear stained cheeks and forlorn glances bringing about the kind of pain only love could beautifully master. People around them move in a blur, the world is another echo in the story of their eternal nature. Announcement goes off, their time together is coming to an end sooner than their hearts anticipated. Hands grip tighter and faces inches apart. When the lips collide the salt from the tears merge to create a promise to hold on. A promise to stay true and close, to be present and to love. A promise to not let the miles between the bodies hinder in the hearts intertwined so strongly. Messy kisses, trembling fingers. Separating for scientific reasons. Deep breaths, hopeful smiles. She clutched the bag right as the doors are about to collide. Waving hands, tears of pain and fear giving way to smiles of hope and love. He stays amidst the crowd, she drifts away like a mist of cloud. Not a second before he’s out of sight and she picks the phone up. Now I can’t see who she texts but the romantic in me would be texting my lover for even a second apart makes my brain short circuit with his thoughts. So I continue, projecting myself onto the stranger, and her smile grows as she’s typing away and my heart heals itself at the hope for a beautiful story where love prevails despite circumstances.

if i cried on the occasions that required me to cry and let it all out i wouldn't have half the mental illnesses i have rn

On a serious note. I need a break. Idk from what. Myself? Humans? The world? Emotions? Idk. I only need a break. Coz my head is throbbing. And it needs to stop- Being alive is more like survival now. And I'm tired of constantly running and fighting :)