Unrequited Affection - Tumblr Posts

She is not in my heart, she is my heart.

the lack of sensitivity in you is so ugly.

im unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him

This writer is fantastic, within just a few short words you can feel everything, though the guy I was in love with is a Virgo, this poem still doesn't take away from the simple blatant fact that it's very much relevant, and he did make a fool out of me and it hit home for me. 😔💯

Taurus

It’ll look cool

If no one could see

But you removed your red cape

And made a fool out of me

Very true words it cuts deep. 😔☹

in another life

pairing: reader x jungkook

genre : pure fucking angst

short story !

lowercase intended

warnings: idk really, unrequited love? if that truly is a warning.

a/n : this is my first Tumblr writing post ever ! I really love angst because self torture is the only comfort I seek LMAOOOOOO I kid ( maybe ) but anyway I hope you like it ?

it smells like rain outside . the steel poles of the balcony covered in droplets. the concrete floor has a clear sheen to it, and the air feels sharp in your lungs as you inhale. your tights, feel a tad itch on your upper thighs and your dress soft against your skin . the moon isn't yet full but still visible, and there's a dull thud of bass running through your chest from the music inside .

it's beautiful, you think. to be standing here experiencing the world at that given moment in time, and you can't help but wonder how another individual may be experiencing that exact moment . has something life changing happened to them ? are they surrounded by the ones they love or somewhere alone on a balcony in the middle of the city just like you ?a shared experience.

you hear the creak of the sliding down and turn your head to see a map of hair duck down to step outside . once in you instantly connect who that head of hair belongs to accompanied by piercings and a soft smile . long strides taken to where you stand , he places himself next to you , leaning against the railing, and he moves his eyes to the exact spot you're looking at .

" the moon really is beautiful in all of its phases " you can't help but smile at that because he was right , there was something about the incompleteness of how it looked tonight that felt so comforting to you , " why don't you come inside we're about to sing happy birthday to jin? " you didn't mean to step out mid party, but you felt that you needed some fresh air . everything felt a little too much at that moment, but now it feels a bit too much all over again, but that may be because the source of that overwhelming feeling has placed itself next to you.

you take this moment to turn to look at him , with his all black attire and messy hair . he looks so beautiful in the dim lighting and frosty air . he's erethral you think . absolutely stunning . god how you wished you thought about yourself a fraction of how you thought about him .

" you're beautiful, you know" you had to say it . you had to say this and whatever was to come next . you don't know if it was too much of the wine you drank or the feeling of being here but you had to tell him this .

" that wine really got to you , didn't it ? " he laughs lightly , a soft smile playing on his features , " you're beautiful too , you know ?" he responds and your heart falters at that , a small smile on your lips you place your hand against his cheek feeling the warmth or his skin meeting the palm of your hand .

" I wish I was enough for you , jungkook " his smile drops from his lips at that , tears bringing at your waterline.

" I don't understand I-"

" I imagine sometimes I am . I imagine sometimes you loved me the way I love you " a small tear falls and you let it. you need to say this .

" I know you know , jungkook . there is no way you don't but I also know how you hate having to let people down thats why you haven't brought it up but you can't keep doing this to me and I can't keep doing this to myself " you've tried to rehearse this in your bedroom countless times .

you've felt angry and heartbroken after understanding what you now understand. you've heard about loving someone who doesn't love you back . you've watched it in movies and read it between the pages of books . people you know have told you stories about it, but none of those examples could have prepared you for it .

" I hope you find someone to love one day , jungkook and that they love you just as much because I know you have so much love to give " you can feel your tears drip down you chin leaving a stain on your green satin material . he looks at you with such a pitiful look you feel that you might die.

" and you will find someone as well , I'm so sorry you wasted your love on me when it could have gone to someone who deserved it more than I ever will " just hearing him say that makes you want to succumb to the floor in sobs . you can feel the own shards of your broken heart puncture your lungs, making it hard to breathe a solid breath, but you try to steady yourself.

" you deserved the love I tried to give you , even if you didn't accept it the way I thought you would because jungkook ?"

" yes ?"

" I know that I will fall in love with you in every life time after this but I can't say the same for you. I hope that in at least one of those life times you'll love me back so that my soul could find peace in turmoil "

I wish I could delete you from my mind like you delete me from your phone.

- HB

I dreamt of you last night. You were sitting at a peeling picnic table packed with all of your friends.

Your grateful smile. The smooth curve of your head. The twinkle in your eye.

I kissed your temples and took your hand.

Your smooth steps, aligned knees. The straight line of your collarbone. 

I dreamt that you came back. A different person. A better person. Loving and caring, with your memory intact.

I dreamt that you were ok. That you were safe. As if it never rained; As if the accident never happened.

- HB

Title: The Broken Hearts Club

Pairings: Bakugou Katsuki x Reader / Kirishima Eijiro x Reader

Rating: teen - light swearing, angst, unrequited love

This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was meant to be writing the next instalment for Twos Company but I wasn’t really feeling it. A new friend suggested I put it aside and try something new so I did and this happened. Turns out I couldn’t focuse on a romance because I was after a tragedy.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28558134

Katsuki slumped forward on the bar, his elbows digging in as knocked back his whisky and signalled the bar tender for another. The whole time he kept his eyes trained on the mirror behind the bar, watching as the happy couple laughed and clung to one another. His eyes tracked her every movement watching as he smile got wider, a pink tinge to her cheeks as she held out her left hand for all to see, the diamond on her engagement ring sparkling in the light.

He grunted as the bar tender placed another drink down in front of him, taking the empty glass away. Katsuki snatched the glass up quickly, draining half of it in one go. He was drinking too much, had lost count after glass number six and that had been half an hour ago but he couldn’t take it anymore. Katsuki knew if he carried on he would probably end up making a fool of himself, probably end up hurting people he cared about but he needed to drown out his feelings and the open bar seemed like a good placed to do that.

Y/N laughed, her face lighting up with it and Katsuki’s breath caught. She truly was beautiful, fucking perfect in his eyes. He wanted to be the reason for her smiles, wanted to be the one who could make her laugh like that. He wanted to be the one to kiss her and hold her tight, be the one she went home with every night and got to say I love you. Katsuki wanted all that and more and the bitter taste of jealousy and despair filled his mouth, making it feel like he was chewing on ash. His grip tightened on the glass as Katsuki finished off his drink and practically slammed the glass down whilst demanding another from the annoyed looking bartender.

“Bakubro!” Eijiro exclaimed loudly, flinging his arm over Katsuki’s shoulder and pulling the reluctant blonde tighter against him. He grunted at the action, swaying on his feet as he shoved the laughing man away from him. “Get off me shitty hair” he growled out angrily. The redhead went with a smile, turning to lean against the bar and waved to get the bartenders attention. Neither of them said anything as they waited for their drinks and Katsuki had to force himself to keep his eyes from straying to Y/N. He had been so caught up watching her that he hadn’t even noticed the other man leaving her side until it was too late to make a run for it. He hadn’t necessarily been avoiding Eijiro but he hadn’t been seeking out his company either, not wanting to bring the others good mood down.

“This is crazy huh? Man I can’t believe she said yes” Eijiro laughed, smiling brightly as he took a swig of his beer. Katsuki just grunted, sipping at he own now double whiskey. How the idiot had ever thought she would say no was beyond Katsuki. Everyone could see how smitten they were with each other. The thought was bitter in his mind, dark and twisting until his head hurt. He was a horrible person, an even worse friend. Eijiro had just gotten engaged, Katsuki should be happy for him but instead all he felt was a bitter and all-consuming jealousy that felt like it was going to suffocate him. He should leave.

He knocked back the last of his drink, placing the empty glass down before pushing himself up. He felt light headed, his mind and vision a little hazy around the edges. He had drunk too much but his heavy eyes still managed to find Y/N in the mirror, her smile still bright as she laughed with Mina and Jiro. “I need to go” he grumbled under his breath, not caring if Eijiro heard him or not. This should be a happy night, a time for celebration and him being here would just bring everything down. He hadn’t taken more than two steps before a hand was curling around his bicep and pulling him back.

Katsuki growled out in warning. “Get the fuck off me shitty hair” he snapped, yanking his arm out the other man’s hold. “You can’t go yet” he whined, a nervous look in his eyes. Huffing Katsuki folded his arms over his chest and stood up straighter, glaring down at his friend and trying to make himself look as intimidating as possible. It had never worked on the idiot before so why Katsuki thought it would now was beyond anyone’s guess. “Why the fuck not?” he spat out angrily. He just wanted to go home and drink until he passed out, until his mind was blissfully blank and numb.

Eijiro offered him a shy smile, rubbing nervously at the back of his neck and Katsuki’s stomach twisted as dread shoved his anger aside. “Well. You’re my best friend, more like a brother than anything and I can’t imagine going through this without you. I want you to be my best man” Eijiro asked sincerely and Katsuki actually felt the bile rising up his throat. This was too much, a fucking nightmare that just wouldn’t go away. Katsuki had thought it bad enough when the redhead had asked him along to help look for an engagement ring, the two of them going from shop to shop until Katsuki had spotted the perfect one.

It had caught his eye instantly, a thin rose gold band with a square cut dim and in the middle but it had been set on its points. It wasn’t an overly large diamond but it was the largest one on the ring, six smaller diamonds set either side that tapered off to be set into the band. It was simple and elegant and perfect, glistening under the bright lights of the store and he had been able to imagine on Y/Ns finger instantly, could picture the way it would sparkle and shimmer with every movement she made.

Katsuki had thought that would be the worst part but then he had had to listen to the idiot panic about how to ask her and after weeks of listening to him go on and on Katsuki had finally snapped. He had told Eijiro exactly how he would do it. What restaurant to go to even what wine to fucking order. He told him where to go afterwards, down to the cherry blossom lined river that lead out to a massive fountain that was always lit up at this time of year at night. He told Eijiro exactly what he would say to her as well, how he would tell Y/N how amazing she was, how her smile could light up his life like the first warm rays of sun after a cold and bitter winter and how his life didn’t seem worth it if she wasn’t there. He had spilt his feelings to his friend and Eijiro had said how beautiful it had been then proceeded to tease him about his hidden romantic side, completely unaware that Katsuki had meant every word.

He had thought it bad enough that she now wore the ring Katsuki had picked, had been proposed to the way Katsuki would have if it had been him but it was so much worse because now Eijiro wanted him to stand next to him at the alter and watch her walk towards him in a wedding dress and know that she wasn’t walking to him, wasn’t going to be devoting her life to him until their last breaths. He couldn’t do it, didn’t want to do it. It was be fucking torture, not to mention cruel but he knew he would because Eijiro was his fucking friend and it wasn’t his fault that Katsuki was so fucked up. He deserved a better friend than Katsuki but he had picked him for some reason and the blonde couldn’t disappoint him like that no matter how much it would hurt him.

Katsuki just stood there, staring at Eijiro with his hands clenched at his side, nails digging into his palms. “I...” Katsuki started to speak but Eijiro cut him off, placing his hands on his chest and smiling widely. “You don’t need to answer now. Just think about it. I’ve been a nervous mess through this and you’ve really helped me though it man”. Katsuki dug his nails in harder, the sharp sting of pain in his hands accompanied by the ice shard he felt digging into his chest. “It’s nothing” he ground out through clenched teeth, wanting this conversation over as quickly as possible.

Eijiro smiled, patting him on the chest before twisting and grabbing his beer and a glass of wine that he hadn’t noticed before. “You’re the best bro. I couldn’t have done this without you” he said cheerfully, his smile getting wider and showing off his incredibly sharp teeth. Katsuki could feel himself cracking as the redhead’s thanks and praise splitting his resolve to keep his feelings to himself but before Katsuki could crush their friendship into dust Eijiro was talking again, taking a few steps away from the bar. “I better go deliver this, don’t want to keep the future Mrs Kirishima waiting” he beamed and then he was gone, disappearing between the crows to go find Y/N.

Katsuki watched him go, suddenly feeling like his stomach was full of bricks. Growling he turned back to the bar, getting the bartenders attention once more but instead of getting a glass Katsuki took the whole bottle, snatching that and his previous glass off the bar top before stalking around the edges of the room until he found an empty booth in a relatively dark corner of the room. He sank into the soft and worn leather, half filling his glass and slumping forward, his eyes instantly finding Y/N and Eijiro amongst the crowed of well-wishers that had gathered in the small bar to congratulate them.

They looked good together, to annoyingly bright and happy people, smiling and laughing. Katsuki hated it. Hated how he couldn’t stop imagining himself in Eijiro’s place, his arm wrapped around Y/Ns waist as they huddled together, her loving gaze turned towards Katsuki as she retold the story of how he had proposed time and time again. He hatted every second he spent wallowing and fantasising yet he couldn’t seem to stop, the bitter taste of longing lodging in his throat. So as the night went on Katsuki drunk, slowly making his way through the bottle, his mind and body getting heavier under the excessive amounts of alcohol.

At some point the floor of the bad had become a dance floor and despite his angry protests Mina had dragged him from his secluded corner and forced him to take part it there stupidness and for the most part it had been okay. He had gotten lost to his friends idiocy, even managing a laugh when dunce face had crashed into the back of Deku and caused him spill his drink all down the candy canes pristine white shirt. It had been funny, even more so when Denki had made things worse in his haste to help by knocking the stuck up pricks glass of red wine down his front as well. The whole incident had improved his foul mood considerably but Katsuki wasn’t so lucky these days and the reality of his situation had come crashing back down around him when a panting and smiling Eijiro had slung his arm over Katsuki’s shoulder, his slightly drunken friend explaining his love and admiration for the blonde loud enough for most the room to hear before promptly informing Katsuki he needed to piss.

This wouldn’t normally be a problem, Katsuki shrugging the other man off and yelling at him for over sharing but before he could even utter a word of his disgust Eijiro was shoving him across the floor, his hands rock hard on Katsuki’s shoulders as he forced him towards Y/N insisting that his best friend, his best man keep his future wife company whilst he was gone. Katsuki had panicked, had seen the look of alarm in Y/Ns eyes as Eijiro had tried to shove them together. Both of them had tried to convince the red head that neither of them had needed to others company but he had insisted, sprouting some bullshit about his best man and his best girl spending time together as they were the two most important people in his life and he wanted them to get along. Both of them had gone quiet at that, neither of them looking at the other as Eijiro placed Katsuki’s hands on Y/Ns waist and hers on the blonde’s shoulders. He walked away with a laugh and a bright smile, jokingly yelling at Katsuki not to get to comfortable because he would be back soon enough to take his place not realising how both of them went stiff at his teasing words. It was awkward and horrible, the two of them just stood there as other couples around them danced to the slow love song and Katsuki desperately wished for the ground to open up and swallow him whole. This was all his fault.

Huffing and gritting his jaw Katsuki reluctantly started to move, well aware of people watching them and waiting to see what would happen. It was a well-known fact amongst their friends that though he and Y/N didn’t dislike one another they didn’t necessarily like one another either. There had always been a tension there, a reluctance to spend time together, especially in such close proximity they just didn’t know why. They moved to the music, barely even moving as they awkwardly shuffled, still neither of them looking at one another.

He felt stiff, his hands twitching as he tried to keep his grip light but it was difficult, having her this close. He could smell the faint sweet vanilla of her perfume, a gift from Eijiro last Christmas that Katsuki had helped pick. He could feel the heat coming off of her, no more so then where they were touching. They were close, to close really but he couldn’t help himself, his thumbs brushing ever so slightly against her sides. The last time he had touched her was months ago, Katsuki catching her as she tripped whilst they had all been hiking on a rare couple of days off together. He had been lagging behind, his eyes firmly fixed on her ass in her shorts as he berated himself for being so fucking weak. There hadn’t been anyone else there to help as she had slipped, arms flailing as she fell back and right into Katsuki’s waiting arms.

She had looked up at him with wide and surprised eyes, her back pressed firmly against his front. Her cheeks had been red, both from the exertion of the climb and the panic of falling, her chest heaving as she breathed deeply, sweat sliding down her neck and disappearing between her breasts. He had been struck by her beauty then, the sun shining down on them, bright and hot and he had felt it as clear as anything, the desire to hold on and never let go. His head had been half way bent down towards her, Y/Ns eyes going wide and he had been able to feel her surprise and panic. Then Eijiro had been calling out, Katsuki snapping out of his stupor and had practically shoved Y/N away from him and into the redhead’s arms. He had stormed ahead after that, yelling at Y/N to watch where she was going because he wouldn’t help her again. The feel of her in his arms had stayed there long after they had parted ways that night and like the pathetic mess he was Katsuki had let his mind wonder that night to what would have happened if it had just been them and he hadn’t let her go. He knew tonight would be the same.

“You don’t have to do this”. Her quiet voice cut through his thoughts and for the first time since they had been forced into each other’s arms Katsuki looked at her. Y/N looked back at him but she wasn’t smiling any more. She looked up at him with a mix of feelings. Pain, sadness, understanding but none more so obvious than pity. “Yes I do” he growled out, his anger getting the best of him. He didn’t need nor want her pity. She frowned, a small spark of anger flashing in her eyes that mirrored his own and Katsuki briefly wondered if it was his, her quirk picking up on it and making it her own.

They glared at one another for a few long and tense moments, both of them stubborn and refusing to give in. Finally though Y/N sighed, tearing her gaze away from his to look off at something over his shoulder. “It’s not fair of him to ask it of you” she sighed, still not meeting Katsuki’s intense gaze. He scoffed at her remark. “Would you rather I tell him why I shouldn’t fucking do it?” he snarled out. She had the good sense to look a little sheepish, keeping her mouth thankfully shut. “That’s what I thought” he snapped, finally able to tear his gaze away from her.

Things felt even tenser now than they had before, Katsuki feeling on edge like he did before a fight. This wasn’t her fault. No Katsuki was the only person who could shoulder the blame for their current situation but that didn’t mean he couldn’t hate her just a little bit for making him fall so completely for her. It hadn’t always been that way though. The first time he meet her he had brushed her off, to consumed with his job and being his usual rude and abrasive self. The same had gone for the second and third time he had seen her but the fourth time had been different. They had been paired together for a rescue mission, Y/N assigned to him because of her quirk and his abrasive nature. It had been three days of constant work as they looked for survivors after a building collapsed and by the end of it Katsuki had fallen hard but it had already been too late by then. He had gone to Eijiro for advice on how to ask the women out and instead had found Y/N, all laughter and smiles and dressed only in one of the redhead’s many Crimson Riot tees. He had lost his chance long before he even knew he had had one.

He felt the pain and sorrow he had been feeling ease slightly, like a balm had been applied to sooth a burn. Not getting rid of the pain but lessening it slightly. He let out the breath he didn’t realise he had been holding in one big rush, some of the tension he had been feeling easing slightly. It wasn’t real, wasn’t even his own feelings but he welcomed it none the less. Katsuki wished it would go deeper though, wished it would smother everything he was feeling and leave him numb. “Make it stop” he whispered. He sounded desperate to his own ears, his voice cracking slightly as he begged for something he knew wasn’t possible. She was only an empath, able to manipulate others emotions but she couldn’t erase them all together.

“I wish I could” she answered just as softly and Katsuki once more turned to look down at her. She looked so sad and broken as she gazed back at him. He hatted that he was the one to make her look like that. All he ever wanted was to make her smile but he never had. No all he did was make her sad and nervous, uncomfortable to be around him. “I wish I could give you that Katsuki. You deserve so much more than this”. At some point one of her hands had moved from his shoulder, her palm pressing against his cheek. Her skin was soft and warm and despite knowing better Katsuki let his eyes fall closed and leaned into the touch, nuzzling against her. He shouldn’t be doing it, they were in the middle of a crowded room, any one could see him but his alcohol clouded mind didn’t allow him much time to worry about it, to busy trying to commit to memory how soft her skin felt against him.

“I’m sorry” she mumbled, her voice breaking slightly. Katsuki reluctantly opened his eyes, reaching up with both hands to pry her hand away from him. At some point they had stopped moving, the two of them stilling as a sombre aura seemed to settle over them. Around them people still laughed and danced, seemingly unaware or uncaring of what was happening between the two of them. Katsuki had to wonder if maybe that was her doing, pushing their feelings of happiness and excitement higher so they wouldn’t notice them.

“It’s not your fault” he mumbled. He held her hand in his, hiding it between them and looking down at it with a frown. The engagement ring glinted in the light, almost like it was taunting him. He ran his thumb over her knuckles, knocking against the ring. Her skin was soft and smooth under his thumb and he wanted to feel more of her, wanted to know if she was that soft all over. Without giving it another thought he slid his had high, flipping her hand over so he could no longer see the stupid diamonds. His fingers dancing along her wrist, feeling her pulse thumping away under her delicate skin. “It’s not your fault” he whispered again, his voice barely audible as he pressed his thumb down just to feel her pulse flutter. He wanted it to be because she welcomed his touch, liked the feel of him as much as he liked the feel of her but he knew it was probably nerves, Y/N keeping track of his emotions so she could stop him if he tried to take things too far.

Maybe this was already too far, pushing his luck whilst he was too drunk to properly keep control over his desires. He would regret all of this come morning when he was hung over and his mouth felt and tasted like something had crawled into his mouth and died. He would lay in bed going over everything he was doing now and hate himself for it, scream and shout and berate himself till he was red in the face and his head felt like it would explode. He would regret all of this but now, stood here before Y/N he couldn’t find it in him to stop, his fingers slowly working their way up her exposed arm.

“Katsuki” she said softly, placing her other hand over his and stopping his movements. Blinking stupidly Katsuki slowly turned to look at Y/N. She was smiling sadly at him, that look of pity back in her eyes and quickly Katsuki snatched his hands back, stepping away from her and looking around nervously. Fuck what was he doing? This was stupid, he was being stupid. Anyone could have seen them, would have been able to take one look at him and known how he felt.

Panicking Katsuki turned to make a quick escape but he didn’t get far. Y/N grabbed his arm, her grip tight and keeping him in place. Growling Katsuki tensed, his hands balling into fists again. “Let go of me” he growled but all Y/N did was tighten her grip, her fingers digging into his arm through his shirt. “No” she snapped, sounding angry now. Snarling Katsuki yanked his arm out of her hold and spun back round to face her. “What do you want from me?” he snarled, towering over her. He could see the small flicker of fear in her eyes, Y/N taking a slight step back and his heart fucking broke. People were looking, could feel their eyes on him but he couldn’t care less right now. People already thought of him as an asshole so why not give them exactly what they wanted?

When she didn’t say anything Katsuki scoffed and stormed from the room, this time Y/N letting him go. He slammed past people, not caring when they cried out in indignation. He had to get the fuck out of there before he made things even worse. “Hey Bakubro” Eijiro called excitedly as Katsuki got closer to him, smiling wide but it soon feel as he caught sight of the look on the blondes face. “What’s wrong?” he asked worriedly, eyes darting past Katsuki and he knew then that Y/N was following him. “I’m leaving” he snarled out, his shoulder slamming into the redheads on his way past.

“What the hell man!” he called out angrily as he stumbled to the side but Katsuki didn’t stop, storming from the bar and out into the cool night. The fresh air made him feel dizzy, the underlying feeling of nausea getting stronger but still he didn’t stop even as he stumbled. Finally though he came to a stop as he rounded the corner of the building and had stumbled half way down the side street. His anger finally run out and Katsuki collapsed back against the wall with a groan. He was fucking everything up. Eijiro was going to hate him after tonight and Katsuki would deserve it.

Screaming he slammed his fist against the wall, the rough stone slicing his knuckles open and leaving his hand throbbing. Cursing he cradled his arm against his chest, glaring down as blood began to drip over his fingers and onto the floor. “Well, that was clever” came a sarcastic and familiar voice from behind and Katsuki spun round snarling to find Y/N standing a few paces behind him, arms crossed and looking at him like he was an idiot. “Fuck off” he snapped, turning away from her and beginning to storm away from her. “Charming as always” she drawled sarcastically and Katsuki snapped.

“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?” he roared, his voice echoing off the walls as he spun round to glare at her. Everything fell silent apart from his ragged breathing. His chest was heaving and his hand throbbing and he was fucking done with this shit. He just wanted to go home and pretend this night had never fucking happened. Y/N looked startled, eyes wide and body tensed but it didn’t last. Sighing her shoulders slumped, her arms unfolding and falling to her sides. “We can’t keep doing this Katsuki”.

Katsuki felt his heart stutter at her tone of voice, sounding both determined and resigned to what was happening. “He’s worried about you, wanted to come after you himself but I thought it best that he didn’t”. Katsuki grunted at that, looking down at his feet in shame. Of course the idiot would be worried about him, probably thinking something was wrong that he could fix but there was no fixing this, not by Eijiro anyway. “I don’t want to come between you and him Katsuki. Your friendship means a lot to him and I don’t want to ruin that”. Katsuki winced at her soft and pleading words, that feeling of nausea back again but a thousand times worse. It wasn’t her coming between them it was him and his stupid fucking feelings. She shouldn’t be the one worried about ruining anything because all she had done was fall in love with a good man and been nice to his friends. It wasn’t her fault that Katsuki didn’t know how to handle his feelings and was falling apart at the seams.

“I’m leaving” she sighed and Katsuki’s head snapped up, eyes wide and full of panic. Y/N looked back at him with sad determination and he didn’t know what to do. What did she mean she was leaving? Leaving now or leaving, leaving? Surely if it was the latter than she would have said they were leaving, her and Eijiro but she hadn’t. “I’ve taken a job in America. Three months to help with the relief efforts after the last super villain attack” she explained and something in Katsuki eased. She wasn’t leaving all together but she was leaving.

Eijiro hadn’t said anything beforehand but Katsuki actively tried to avoid talking about Y/N with him so maybe he had missed it. Or maybe she had just decided after tonight, unable to stand Katsuki and his feelings any longer so she was running, trying to put some distance between them. Katsuki wouldn’t blame her. She was an empath, could feel everything Katsuki was feeling. It must be hard to smile and play nice when Katsuki was practically forcing his feelings onto her every time they were so much as in the same room together. He was surprised she hadn’t left already, convinced Eijiro to move cities to get away from him.

His self-disgust and anger lessened, his emotions getting duller once more. Y/N fiddled with the ring on her finger, nibbling on her lip and looking nervous. He felt his own nerves spike. He knew that look. Knew she was about to say something he wouldn’t necessarily like. “I want you to be happy Katsuki and I know that me being here is difficult for you so whilst I’m gone you should...you should try” she urged stepping towards him. Katsuki didn’t even know he was shaking until she gently took hold of his hands, her fingers delicately ghosting over his already bruising knuckles.

“You’re a good man Katsuki and you deserve so much more than this so I want you to try. Meet people, go on dates, forget I even exist if you have to just please try” she pleaded desperately. At some point she had stepped in closer, letting go of his damaged hand to curl hers around his neck, her fingers sinking into his hair. Katsuki mirrored her, his large hand cupping her cheek. He pressed their foreheads together, his red eyes boring into hers. They were close, close enough that he could feel her breath against his lips. He brushed his thumb along her cheek, intense eyes trying to take in every detail he could about her.

She was right. Always was. This wasn’t the first time they had had a conversation like this, Y/N trying to urge him to meet someone else, to move on and be happy. Katsuki had tried, time and time again he had tried but no matter what he had always found himself comparing them to Y/N and they had paled in comparison. But he couldn’t keep doing it. It was unfair of him to do this to her, to Eijiro. He needed to move on, let this go and with her gone maybe he would be able to. She wouldn’t be there to keep reminding him of what he wanted but couldn’t have. They said time healed all wounds and maybe without her there he would finally be able to move on.

He probably needed the distance, would have to cut down on his time with Eijiro so he didn’t have to listen to the other man going on about how much he missed Y/N but maybe, if he was lucky, by the time the wedding rolled around he would be able to stand up there with the redhead and feel nothing but happiness for his friend. It was a long shot, would take more than three pathetically short months to get past years of longing and love but he had to do it, not only for Y/Ns and Eijiro’s sake but also for his own.

“I love you” he whispered gruffly. It was the first time he had ever said it out loud, the first time he had let his guard down enough to let it all come crashing out but if this was going to be his only chance than he needed her to hear it from his lips instead of just feeling it mixed with his shame. She smiled softly at him, her eyes sad and glistening with unshed tears. “I know”. Katsuki slammed his own eyes shut, desperately trying to stop the tears before they could fall. He loved her but she didn’t love him back. She loved Eijiro and he loved her back and that was fact.

Katsuki couldn’t say what motivated him but he found himself leaning down, closing the gap between them and pressing his lips against hers. It was a chaste kiss, their lips barely moving. His lips were chapped and it tasted slightly salty but he couldn’t tell if it was her tears or his. She kissed him back though, her grip tightening on his neck slightly and he should feel elated at the fact but it was bittersweet. It felt like a goodbye and in some sense it was. She was leaving and taking his heart with him.

Katsuki pulled back slightly, keeping his eyes closed as he took a shuddering breath. He felt a calm wash over him, his racing heart instantly slowing. Sighing he stepped back, putting some distance between them and finally opened his eyes. Y/N had tear tracks down her face, her mascara having run and her eyes now red rimmed and puffy. He wanted to reach out and pull her into his embrace, to tell her everything would be okay and she shouldn’t cry over him but he didn’t think he would be able to let her go if he got his arms around her again and he needed to let her go.

Instead all he did was grunt and nod his head. He turned his back on her, shoving his hands into his pockets and wincing at the sting of pain that shot through his hand. He didn’t pull it out though, just carried on his way, listening to the thud of his feet on the pavement below. He didn’t look back, not once even though he desperately wanted to, ever hopeful that she would still be there but he didn’t want the disappointment of finding her gone.

Katsuki didn’t stop until he got home, keeping his mind focused on nothing but the pain in his hand and the rhythmic thud of his feet. He went through the motions getting back into his apartment, kicking his shoes off and shrugging his jacket over his shoulders. He chucked his keys into the waiting bowl on the small side table and then trudged into his living room. The apartment was cold and dark and completely still. Katsuki stood in the doorway, staring out at his empty home. In that moment he felt so completely and utterly alone. He had felt it before but never this sharply.

He had put so much effort into his career over the years, pushing everything else aside in his pursuit of becoming the best and it had payed off. He was number two now, just behind Deku but that was to be expected of All Might’s successor but there had been a lot of sacrifices along the way. Despite knowing it would never happen Katsuki had often entertained what it would be like to come home to Y/N. He knew what it was like to live with her, Eijiro having told him enough and he had witnessed it himself the few times he had been unable to get out of the other man’s invites without being a complete ass.

She always greeted him with a smile and a kiss, happy that the redhead was home. If she had made it home before him dinner would normally be waiting, the smell filling the apartment and it always smelt good. The place would be warm and lived in and the gentle sound of her chattering away as they discussed their days would be welcomed. Afterwards they would sit of the sofa, cuddled together and just enjoy the other’s company until it was time to go to bed. They would each have a preferred side of the bed and he would wrap his arms around her, holding her close as they drifted off, the last thing either of them hearing being the other saying that they loved them.

It was a dream, a fantasy that had slipped out of his grasp a long time ago but tonight made it seem so final. It was strange, how hard it suddenly hit him. He felt like someone had died, like a part of his life had been snuffed out. Katsuki’s legs gave out, his back hitting the wall behind him as he sank to the floor. Tears streamed down his face, his body shaking as he sobbed. He felt like he was being cut in two, a burning knife shoved into his gut and yanked all the way up to his heart. He shoved his hands into his hair, yanking at the strands as he began to rock.

This feeling wouldn’t last forever, he knew that but as his cries echoed around the empty room all Katsuki could feel was the overwhelming sense of guilt and grief. He had no one to blame for this but himself and as he collapsed onto his side, curling in on himself on the cold floor Katsuki let it all wash over him, wallowing in his pain. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he would get up and move on, take it one day at a time but for now he would suffer and lament the loss of the women he loved.

Mikrokosmos pt.1

The world couldn't have known, 

how you and I would come together.

How you and I could know each other,

and intertwine.

Crestfallen, the world could do nothing,

stand and watch in despair,

as we defied, challenged,

 and disregarded all of its plans. 

You and I, held onto nothing around us,

creating our own rules, writing our story. 

I'd say the thread of fate had nothing on us,

our spirits interwoven in red.

And yes, one would think and ponder,

On how the world watched on in wonder.

And even if it knew the story of our fate,

It would not make the mistake, 

of putting our galaxies at stake.

It would only try to berate

and never tell this tale,

petrified of our melody, sweeter

than that of a nightingale. 

The most excruciating part of unrequited love is having to break your own heart constantly. Especially when you've been hurt before and so the next time onward you keep preventing the eventual heartache by spending every waking moment slowly ruining and breaking your own heart.

I always have had big feelings.

It's a curse and blessing.

When I love, I love with all my existence, so much that the love overflows and topples me over like a high tide on a full moon night. And when I hurt... I feel it everywhere. first, it tugs at my feet like the first big wave of the night and then it takes over me like a tsunami.

The hurt reverberates in me and echoes in everything I do. It burns my touches, my smiles and my breaths. The love emanates from me like radiation, everything glows bright and the lightness in my step makes the pavements look pink on a gloomy night. Being with you feels like a sunset, the pinks and oranges fading into an ultraviolet that brings me an incandescent smile. The calm after a day with blazing heat and raging Manhattan breeze feeding into the slow waves of the Hudson against the pier into a night so vibrant and blue it puts the city lights to shame. I chase the moon. As a child of feelings that eat me up the night protects me from judgmental eyes and wraps me in a blanket of comfort. As I lay there, on several dark nights, on city rooftops, shedding tears of red and gold, the moon stood right above me. The moon had been my best friend before I understood the meaning of the word in a moving human being. You feel like the moon comes down on the earth to be my best friend shining light on a dark stormy night. Like the one I come to during times of turbulence. Again, I am well aware these are feelings that aren't necessarily described as normal psychologically. but I have never been one for being "normal". I am too much for everyone and myself. I smile too much and cry too much. Ask too much and reveal too much. I shy away too much and achieve too much. I love too much and hate too much. I am sad too much and worry too much. I am alone too much and I push people away too much. I think about myself too much and wish I didn't disappoint people too much. I hurt too much and love too much. Yet all I crave is the intimacy of being understood. Everyone sees me, eviscerates me, points fingers at me, criticises me and admires me. Not many know me... Do I know me? Do I know you? What are you if not the pieces you have shown me... and if those pieces are anything to go by, I know we are similar.

You love a lot, with all your being. You love the trees, the sun, the moon, the wind, your friends and your family. To be loved by you would be a blessing from the heavens above. To be the one lighting up your eyes and making you turn red. To be the one who takes care of you and makes a fuss about you for once. I am scarred, everywhere outside and inside. The demons that I acquired in the game of life have poisoned my brain into believing I shouldn't deserve someone who can give so much pure unadulterated love. But I refuse to listen to them... I am scared, I always am. Too much (again). Disappointment has been my companion through the rough journies I have taken up until this point. To get disappointed by you and/or to disappoint you would be a shame. You remind me of me- the version who loves with no inhibitions and sees joy in nature. The image of you smiling at the sunset- a recurring occurrence, will forever be etched in my brain. That exact moment was when I fell in love with myself. Seeing you do something I used to do until I started letting people get to me and realising how beautiful your soul is when I fell for myself.

The pragmatic brain in me tells me that it is probably too soon for me to even believe I am in love with you, while the hopeless heart retorts that I fell in love with myself and that is the more important aspect. Is there a point to this rambling other than to detangle the mess in my brain? Not initially, but now the point seems to be the realisation I have had on exactly how deep my feelings could go. Added with the epiphany that I am not scared about it either. Once again, pragmatism and past pain should know better but I have always been the one to feel with all my being. So it only makes sense I feel this with every fibre cell, even the one still recovering from the last fall.

Unrequited Love

Unrequited love is one when I feel so close to you 

yet you so far from me.

Unrequited love is one when I buy you a flower

which reminds me of you

 but it remains a mere piece in your vast collection.

Unrequited love is one when I perceive your smile in the dawn

but you a mere beam of light emitting from the morning sky.

Yes, it is love,

however,

solely felt from me to you and my dear, 

How I long to break these chains of emotions holding me

from writing this letter and leaving it on your table 

while you read your favourite fable.

How I wish to remain no longer be bounded by these threads of feelings,

by these threads of love

that remain solely felt by me for you.

These threads of unrequited love, my dear.

Words He Utters [ 2nd from the collection 'Him' ]

How I wish I could feel the same, when I hear his kind words and pure says.

Initially, I saw a familiar figure, perhaps, that of a brother in his peculiar frame.

But now, when I perceive his face, I sense his warmth or the sound of his pace.

So, odd a feeling, beyond my understanding could be a brother or a friend, so dear or an extraordinary lover.

I fail to comprehend his relation, but it remains for me to be preserved.

So, I wonder when I hear the news of him with a newcomer, I smile so bittersweet and mutter

"Wish for someone better than self, who would feel more emotions in the words he utters."

This deserves to blow up! So beautifuly written.

Selfishly, I hope I have left an imprint on your heart - I hope my name is signed on one of the chambers with a lock only I have the key to. I hope when the sun comes through your blinds on Sunday mornings you remember how I would lay there next to you, back bare, my eyes staring into yours. I hope when the girl sitting across from you laughs you think about mine, how it would fill the room and your chest just the same. I hope you look back on the kind of love we had and realize it was a once in a lifetime chapter of the novel you now have to continue writing without me. Selfishly, I hope there’s still time for me to be the one who’s there until the very last page.

If not, help me let you go.

I hope

When Time Doesn’t Stop The Pain

Fandom: Bnha Mha Parings: Shoto Todoroki x Reader, Shoto Todoroki x Momo Yaoyarozu Rating: 14+ Warnings: Alcohol, unrequited romance, angst Words: .5k81 A/N: This is just a short scene I can’t get out of my head. It may become a series depending on the reaction? Also yes I know i’m posting a lot of angst rn leave me alone 🤣 

        Shoto clenched his eyes shut, his left hand gripping the phone to his ear and his right desperately clutching his clean white dress shirt, bunching up the fabric over his heart. 

“Who do you think you are Todoroki?” Y/n’s drunk voice slurred over the phone. “What gives you the right to- to- to-” she hiccups and starts to sob. 

“I’m sorry Y/n/n,” His voice is strained and painful, his heart breaking into pieces.

“How could you?”

It’s been five months since it happened- Since Shoto asked Momo to go on a date with him. “I didn’t know,” he whispered, leaning over his marble bathroom sink as tears stated to fall from his closed eyes, “I didn’t know.”

Five months and still, Y/n calls him whenever she’s drunk. Five months and she still cries, still screams, still destroys herself.

“...Y/n?”

The sudden silence that fell over the line which was usually filled with sobs and shouts was more alarming than anything she could have said.

“Was it,” she paused, “am I really that hard to love?” 

Her voice was the most sober he’d heard since their fight- the clarity in her tone shook him to his core. The wobble in her voice broke his heart.

“No,” he cried, before coughing to strengthen his voice, “No it wasn’t you. I just-” he shook his head at the memories, “I just didn’t know.”

There was another pause of silence, “How could you not know?”

Todoroki had been asking himself that very same thing for five months. How could he not know? She’d loved him since freshman year- his Y/n loved him for six years and he couldn’t tell. 

She’d been so open about her emotions, so caring and supporting with everything he did, and he just... didn’t realize it. 

He looked up, glaring at his disheveled appearance in the mirror. “I was an idiot.”

Shoto Todoroki was in love with Y/n Y/l/n for all of high school, but when college came around he gave up on the idea. She was bound for greatness, she deserved someone who suited her temperament, not a friend from childhood that couldn’t match her newly founded maturity.

“I’m sorry,”

Y/n’s voice was soft and sad, her words bounced around in her chest before she let them escape from her lips- a newly found emptiness followed. She knew what she had to do. “Y/n-”

“Goodbye.”

For the first time, she was the one to end the phone call. 

In the end, Shoto never got another call from his childhood bestfriend. In fact, he heard nothing about her until he saw the photo on his Facebook UA alumni feed when he was sitting in his office months later.

Y/l/n Y/n raises to Koreas top 3 hero list after only one year- is this foreign hero Korea’s new heroic legacy?

Mina had shared it- showing that she hadn’t cut off everyone, maybe only him. He looked at the photo along with it- two side by side. One had Y/n in her hero uniform after a successful mission, caring for one of the injured children. The picture on the right had her in a beautiful dress, receiving an award from the head of the Korean Hero Association. 

The familiar pain in his chest welled up again- his eyes shut and he clenched the mahogany desk. Why does it still hurt so much? She’s happy, Y/n’s happy- He looked at the photo of him and Momo that sat on his desk- but was he?

Friday 1838

At first my eyes do not understand why the laughing man across the street has captivated them.

At first my eyes do not understand what is so engaging about the man leaving the club across the street (I am invisible sipping coffee behind glass).

At first my eyes do not understand, until my helpful brain chimes in, and he has already moved on.

Road Trippin'

I sleep beside him at the ocean side, we match well in the dark at least, even if it's a struggle by daylight. He is chameleon, and difficult to read, but oh so gentle when he touches my hip or strokes my hair.

I struggle to let go of work my kids the bills, I struggle to simply be and be in the moment with this stranger who already knows the flaws of my body.

I think quite likely I will never hear from him again once this trip has ended, I think it is a job interview that I am failing and I do not know quite what to say, when he watches from hooded eyes, and mocks so subtle that most miss it.

I come home. My legs are tired. My soul is grateful. My sex is satisfied.

And you have blocked my incoming messages, here we are we could not salvage it, you have decided there is nothing worth fighting for.

I will always be your friend, even if you are not mine.

Wednesday 2155

I hurt myself today

Because she's with you right now

And it's the only way I can cope with it