4. That Time I Hated Myself The Most

4. That time I hated myself the most

Author D.

Pairing Jungkook x Reader (female)

Genre Slice of Life AU | Angst

Word count 1.4k

A/N This drabble collection will not be posted in chronological order.

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©️ dfdph, 2022 - all rights reserved. Reposting or translating onto other sites is NOT allowed.

    The minute Jungkook entered the room, closely followed by Jimin and Taehyung, he knew that that moment was going to leave a painful scar on his memory forever.

     The small room was oddly quiet, different from what he had imagined, different from the movies he had seen.

     They had given Y/N a private room, just big enough to contain a reclining chair and the large mechanic bed where she was laying. The first thing Jungkook noticed were all the tubes and cords coming out of the bed sheets, connected in every direction to different kind of machines and displays. One thing he understood immediately: she wasn’t breathing on her own. The transparent tube coming out of her mouth was a clear sign of it.

     “I know it looks intimidating.” He heard the nurse saying behind them. “If you have any questions, feel free to ask me. I’ll explain the best I can.”

     Questions. Jungkook had plenty. Too many to speak coherently.

     He took a step closer, feeling slightly lightheaded. She looked pale, in a way that it scared him, and somehow unnaturally swollen. There was a large white bandage over her forehead and they clearly tried to wash her hair but Jungkook could still see some redness over them that didn’t belong to her. He could only assume it was blood. She was covered from the neck down with a white sheet and a light blue duvet. She was deadly still beneath them.

     Jungkook was just inches away from her, his thighs brushing against the mattress. Yet, he felt as if there was a deep and dark ravine separating them.

     “W-what’s that thing?” Jimin stammered in a quiet voice.

     Jungkook turned his head, following what his friend was pointing and noticing for the first time what was in fact a bulky structure on her left leg. It was the only part of her body that wasn’t hidden, apart from her arms, full of scratches. He felt a retch of vomit coming up in his throat and a cold shiver running up of his spine. It was something he had never seen before: it closely resembled a scaffolding, its metal cylinders, each less than half an inch wide, sticking out of her flesh like miniature skyscrapers.

     “It’s called ‘external fixator’.” The nurse answered calmly. “The bones of her leg are broken, but the surgeons are going to repair them in a second moment. So, they used these to stabilize the bones in the meantime.”

     “Oh.” Jimin exhaled. “And what is that tube?”

     Jungkook followed his finger once again, leading to a large transparent pipe coming out of Y/N’s white gown and ending inside a rectangular box sitting on the pavement. There was a string of deep red blood running down in it, slowly and tantalizingly.

     “It’s a drainage. She has some blood in her chest, we are draining it through that tube.” The nurse explained simply. “Oh, here is Doctor Lee.” She exclaimed as the door opened behind them. “He’ll be able to explain the situation to you.”

     The situation. It sounded ominous to Jungkook’s ears.

     He recognized the man, how could he not. He was the same one that hours ago had given them the worst news.

     “You should prepare yourselves.” He had said.

     Jungkook felt unjustified hate towards him, a completely irrational hatred that he knew the man didn’t deserve. At the same time, he felt like he could kneel and beg him to save Y/N if he needed to.

     He averted his eyes from the doctor, scared of what he was about to say. He looked at Y/N instead.

     A sleeping beauty. Broken, but still beautiful to him.

     This was the first time in months they were this close. He had imagined the moment many times. It was a happy scene in his head, melancholic at most. But never tragic.

     He felt the urge to take her hand, laying pale on the bed sheet. He stopped, his fingers mid-air, scared.

     Scared of hurting her, so fragile under his eyes, even with just a touch.

     Scared of being undeserving, because a part of him wasn’t sure he was supposed to be there next to her.

     She was the love of his life, he always knew it. But who was Jungkook to Y/N?

     Probably no one. A distant memory.

     Yet he was selfish. He didn’t want to go. Even if she suddenly woke up and screamed at him to leave. He needed to be there, right by her side.

     He put his hands in the pockets of his pants, restraining himself, and settling for caressing her with his eyes and with his heart.

     “Good morning, guys. Do you want to come outside? Maybe have a sit?” The doctor asked with a kind smile.

     “I-It’s okay.” Taehyung answered. “We want to stay here.”

     Jimin nodded putting a heavy hand on Jungkook’s shoulder.

     The man sighed. “Okay. I must be honest with you. Y/N is very lucky.” He started saying with a heavy tone. “She has different injuries, a lot of them very severe.” Jungkook gulped listening to the man’s voice. “She has three broken ribs that punctured her lungs and caused what we call ‘hemothorax’. It means that there is blood collecting between her chest wall and her lung. Fortunately, the amount is not that big to worry us, it is just enough to be drained through the machine you see on the right side of the bed.” Jungkook looked back at the transparent tube, the red string of blood still falling slowly inside it. “Her left leg is badly broken. It will need surgery, but we will do it once she’s a little more stable.” The doctor paused and took a deep breath. Unconsciously, the three boys mimicked him. “As you can see, we’ve put her under a coma to protect her brain. The trauma caused a cerebral edema. It’s what’s worrying us the most. It’s pressure is obstructing blood perfusion in her brain. As you can imagine, it’s a serious situation. For now we are taking a medical approach, but we might need to surgically release the pressure, so that the swelling has more room to breathe – so to speak.”

     Jimin gulped, his hand slowly falling from Jungkook’s shoulder. “I-I’m sorry, but how are you going to do that? How are you going to … release the pressure?”

     “We will have to temporarily remove part of her skull. I know it sounds really scary, but I don’t want you to worry about it until you need to, okay?”

     Jungkook had no idea for how long he stayed seated in the same position on the reclining chair next Y/N’s bed. Probably hours.

     The nurse was kind enough to get two other chairs for Jimin and Taehyung, but the two of them soon got tired of keeping still and went out of the room to get some fresh air.

     Unlike them, Jungkook couldn’t move. He was glued to his sit, perfectly still like a statue. Even his eyes wouldn’t budge: they were focused on Y/N. Specifically her closed eyes, the only part of her he could manage to look at without tearing up.

     His thoughts were a rumbling confusion. They went from reliving the doctor’s words, to complete blankness. What was constant, on the other hand, was the intense feeling of guilt puncturing his chest. 

     He imagined himself crossing that street with Y/N, hand in hand like they always walked when they still loved one another. He imagined seeing the car approaching at the last moment, pushing her away from danger and being the one getting hit instead.

     Jungkook felt his heart constrict at the thought, tears filling his eyes once again, burning.

     He wished it went that way. He wished he was the one laying on that bed fighting for his life.

     Not her. Not Y/N. Him.

     Some might think the thought was romantic, but the truth was only one: he envied her.

     Some sick part of him, a part he was very much ashamed of, felt that having all of his bones broken was way better than whatever he was feeling in that moment: a mixture of guilt, pain and indescribable fear. He could feel his body burn from the inside as he imagined angry claws scratching his chest repeatedly and something extremely heavy pushing him on the ground. 

     The thought of her dying, the thought of her leaving this world - him - forever, was unbearable.

     He wanted it to end. 

     So yes, he envied the fact that she was oblivious to everything that was going on inside his head. He envied the fact that she was the one dying.

     The saying was true: those who remain suffer the most. 

     This was the most selfish Jungkook ever felt and he hated himself for it.

Thank you so so much for reading No One!! I’m glad I was able to make you cry a bit, I guess it means I did a good job (?????)

Hoping you have time to read my other stories as well and cry some more!

No One

Author D.

Pairing Jungkook / Reader (female)

Genre Extreme Sports AU | Slice of Life AU | Heavy Angst

Warning Death | Mentions of Suicide | Mentions of Depression (Please, do NOT read if these themes are sensible to you)

Word count 21k

Summary “Letter to No One, 22nd. Maybe it’s time I change the greetings to my letters and actually say hi to you. Dear No One. Yes, that’s better. I was looking forward to writing this one. Tomorrow we’ll be my 100th jump. Can you believe it? It seems only yesterday that I bought my very first suit. Time really flies. I think I’ll have to celebrate. I’d celebrate with you, if only you existed. We could have gone to the amusement park and enjoy some rides. Haneul used to really like those. She would have liked you too. Well … the “you” I imagine, anyways. Have I ever told you you’re a girl? I guess I did at some point. You’re a girl No One. You don’t really have a face, but I guess you could be beautiful. Cool, too. You have to be cool to willingly read my weird letters. But again, you don’t exist. I’m starting to wish you did though. It would be nice to have someone to be with tomorrow - someone who knows. Like you.”

A/N This one was really difficult to write, reason why it took me so long to publish it. I’m sorry to have kept you waiting! I’d really appreciate your feedback! Thank you! (This has yet to be edited)

Someone (AU)

©️ dfdph, 2020 - All rights reserved. Reposting or translating onto other sites is NOT allowed.

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Me back!

I’m slowly answering to all of your messages and comments! There are so many of them and I’m so grateful! Thank you everyone for enjoying my writings!

In the mean time, please wait for a lot of new content coming your way!

(NEW: Freesia - A Snapdragon drabble!)

i really wanted to enjoy daffodil, but i just couldn’t bring myself to. i love the way you write, going into detail of every step during the process of ocs love story. i love the first part, snapdragon, but i just couldn’t love the sequel. i’m not used to change, and maybe it’s because i wanted oc to have a happy ending with hoseok because he was perfect, but reading how oc lost feelings for hoseok and gained them for jungkook made my skin itch. i couldn’t bring myself to finish the last few parts of it, but you’re a great writer.

Hi! That's totally fine and I totally get it! I wanted to talk about falling out of love, even if the person seems so perfect, because sometimes it's just not meant to be, you know?

Thank you for giving Daffodil your time! Hope to see you in other stories of mine!

I’m so late to this but thank you so so so much for recommending my fics!! 

jungkook pt. 4

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Updated: July 25, 2022

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